


Fools Like Us

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-08
Updated: 2013-03-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 15:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 99,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/712369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You had me at 'do you want me to blow on you?'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Stop

**Author's Note:**

> Hey :) so here's the sequel, thanks very much for sticking with this story it really means a lot. If you're interested, I've also posted the first chapter to another Brittana story, so check it out if you get the time :)

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I ask.

I check out my outfit in the full-length mirror for at least the fifth time this morning, swivelling one way and craning my neck to see every inch of the floral sundress I picked out, before turning the other way and doing it again.

Santana groans as she pushes herself up from where she's sitting on my bed and walks up behind me, she wraps her arms around my waist and rests her chin on my shoulder as we make eye contact in the mirror.

"Of course it's not a good idea, but I'm a masochist, obviously," she kisses my cheek and smirks at me.

"What if they don't like me?"

"They _will_ , you're very likeable," she says, rolling her eyes, "anyway, what's with this dress?" She pinches a piece of the fabric over my stomach between her thumb and pointer finger, "you look like you're going to church."

"I'm trying to look wholesome; I want them to think I'm normal."

Santana snorts out a laugh and buries her face in my shoulder before looking back up at me with a grin. "And your regular clothes will make them think you're _abnormal_?"

"Well, no," I sigh. I know I'm being silly and overthinking things, but this all just seems like a much bigger deal than Santana is making it out to be, "I don't know, I just wanna look nice."

Her face drops a little but she keeps smiling. "You _do_ look nice," she says gently.

"Thanks," I whisper and close my eyes. I lean my head back and rest it on her shoulder as I try to let her calmness wash over me too. "How come you're so calm about this?" I ask her.

She turns her head a little and places a kiss on my neck before she answers and I open my eyes to watch her face in the mirror again.

"I don't know," she shrugs a little, "I know they're going to like you, and it'll make it a lot easier to tell them about us one day if they already know and like you, right?"

I nod and try to swallow down my apprehension, that plan would make a lot more sense if I was somebody else. Somebody who was good at talking to people, and made good first impressions, but I'm not.

"I feel really good about this," she continues, "I feel like maybe there's a chance of them being okay with stuff one day, you know? If they like my girlfriend it'll be a lot harder for them to hate the fact that I _have_ a girlfriend."

"Okay," I smile because it still makes my heart flutter every time she calls me that, "so whyaren't we _telling_ them I'm your girlfriend?" I ask as I turn and wrap my arms around her neck.

"Because if they know that from the start, they won't even give you a chance."

I nod again and try to ignore the nerves that bubble up in my stomach at her words. It suddenly occurs to me how much is riding on this lunch going well and I really don't want to mess it up.

I still think it's weird how calm she's being, I'm usually the calm one.

"Hey," she leans forward and pecks my cheek before pulling back again, "don't worry, okay? If it doesn't go well, it doesn't go well," she shrugs and tries to look indifferent but I can tell she's just saying that.

She pulls away and moves to go sit on the couch, "C'mere," she says, patting the space beside her.

I walk over and she wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my shoulder as soon as I drop down next to her. "I'm sorry; I'm putting pressure on you, aren't I?

I shake my head and tell her, "No." I do feel a _little_ pressurized but that's not her fault.

"If it doesn't go well then things won't be any different than they are right now. I mean, things can either get better today, or stay exactly the same. So don't worry, okay? We have nothing to lose."

I nod then rest my head on hers. That doesn't seem right, somehow; I'm sure it's still a lot to lose if they don't _approve_ of me, since Santana's already got her hopes up pretty high. I'll feel so guilty if it goes wrong because of me, and isn't meeting your boyfriend's or girlfriend's parents supposed to be a big deal? Even if they don't actually know that's what I am, which they probably do by now anyway, we haven't exactly been subtle.

"Don't you think they might already know?" I ask, "I mean, you've stayed here every night for the past week."

"No, I just told them I wanted to give them some space," she shrugs. "You're just a kind friend from work who's letting me stay at her place."

I smirk at that. " _Friend,_ huh? So last night was just you showing me what a good friend you are?"

She snorts and turns her face further into my shoulder. "Exactly."

My brow furrows. "Hmm, well I don't do _that_ with any of my other friends."

She pulls back and looks at me with her eyebrows raised. "I should hope not," she says as she pokes me in the tummy.

I giggle and grab her hand between both of mine. "How long until we have to leave?" I ask her.

She glances down at her watch. "About ten minutes," she sighs and scoots so that she can lay down with her head in my lap. I immediately start running my fingers through her hair because I know she likes that.

"I miss my bed," she tells me after a few minutes without saying anything. "I'm glad they're going home in a few days. No offence, but your bed is kinda lumpy."

I breathe out a laugh and nod. "Yeah it's pretty old. It's more comfy when you're in it though."

Santana giggles. "That's because you use me like a pillow."

"Problem?" I say as I playfully pinch her side.

She squirms and laughs and grabs my hand with her own. " _No_ ," she says as she places my hand back on her head so that I can play with her hair again.

I smile because it's cute when she does things like that, she'll rarely actually say she likes something but she always makes sure I know.

"It's just one lunch," she whispers, I think more to herself than to me, "it'll be fine."

/

I like it when Santana lets me drive her car, it's been over two years since I've had a car of my own and sometimes I worry that I'm going to forget how to use one. Plus her car is a lot nicer and faster than any of the cars I've driven before and it's fun to make Santana scream and brace herself against the dashboard whenever I drive a little too quickly.

When I pull into a space in the Breadstix parking lot Santana doesn't make any move to get out for a little while, so I unfasten my seatbelt and wait for her.

"They're already here," she tells me. Even though she speaks quietly her voice sounds loud now that the engine isn't running and the radio is off.

"How d'you know?"

She nods her head forward. "That's their car," she says and points to a dark red Mercedes on the other side of the lot.

"Okay, should we go inside then?" I turn my head towards her and give her a smile as she lets out a heavy sigh. I'm not sure if she's only just started getting nervous, or if she's only just started letting it show, but I reach across the center console and squeeze her hand.

She keeps opening her mouth to speak but then stopping and shaking her head, the car seems a lot stuffier, all-of-a-sudden, and when she finally talks again let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding.

"They're nice people," she tells me, "I mean…they'll _be_ nice, as long as people aren't too different to what they're used to, you know? They're from a different generation," she shakes her head and sighs again. "Sometimes I forget that, I think. I expect too much from them."

I pull her hand up to my face and kiss her palm before clutching it to my chest, then I give her what I want to be a reassuring smile and hope that it's enough because I really don't know what to say. I can't tell her it's going to be okay because I don't know if it is or not.

"We should go inside," I say.

She nods and pulls her hand away before exiting the car.

Santana's parents really don't look old enough to have a twenty-four-year-old daughter. Well, I guess they do, they just look a lot younger than my parents. Especially her Mom, she doesn't even have any grey hairs and her Dad looks like he's dressed from head-to-toe in Armani.

I kind of feel a little under dressed now.

They stand up as we approach the table where they already have their drinks and Santana hugs both of them before turning back to me. "Mom, Dad, this is my friend, Brittany, from work."

I reach out a hand and her Mom takes it first. "Mrs Lopez," I say, my voice shakes a little and I feel the tips of my ears burn. "Mr Lopez," he takes my hand directly after and gives it a firm shake. "It's nice to meet you both."

"Oh please, Honey," says Mrs Lopez around a smile, "it's Maribel and Carlos," she tells me. Her accent is thicker than I thought it would be.

I smile back at her and tell her, "Okay," as they sit down again. Santana and I slide in opposite them and I feel her squeeze my knee underneath the table briefly before she picks up her menu.

"Were we late?" Santana asks, glancing up at them.

"No, no," Carlos replies, "we got here early." His accent is pretty thick too, and I can't stop looking at his hair, it's so slick and perfect and looks almost like it's made out of plastic.

"Okay," she says and goes back to her menu.

Santana orders us some sodas because I'm going to be driving us home and she says she doesn't want to drink if nobody else is. She and her Mom mostly make small talk as we wait for our food while her Dad and I are content to just listen. I decide I like him a lot even though I've barely heard him speak and the way he's so well put together is a little intimidating. He's so relaxed and watching him makes me feel calmer, somehow, I like the way his eyes crinkle with a smile every time Santana says something funny.

Maribel doesn't really say much to me apart from when she tries to convince Santana to go home for a couple of nights by telling her that she's taking advantage my hospitality. That really couldn't be further from the truth and I'm quick to politely disagree.

I don't think she liked that very much. She doesn't address me directly again until about half an hour later when I'm halfway through my chicken salad.

"So, Brittany," she takes a sip from her drink and smiles at me, "Santana has told us nothing about you apart from you're a _friend from work._ How long have you been a teacher?"

"Oh, um," I clear my throat because my voice is thick with nerves again, "I'm not a teacher, I'm just an assistant."

She opens her mouth to reply but Santana cuts her off before she can. "Yeah, Britt wants to go back to college one day, though. You've already done a year, right?"

I nod and when I glance at Santana she looks just as nervous as me, maybe more so, I wish she could just answer all my questions for me so that I definitely won't say anything wrong.

"And then you hope to be a teacher?" Asks Maribel.

I nod again and she nods back.

"So," she turns her attention to Santana, "I've spoken to Alexander's Mom."

I hear Santana let out a sigh beside me at the same time as Carlos closes his eyes and shakes his head from across the table.

"I'm sure he'll give you another chance, sweetheart. You should call him."

"Mami…" I see Santana pinch the bridge of her nose out of the corner of my eye and I look down at my plate, I'm suddenly not feeling so hungry. "I don't _want_ another chance with him," she says.

"He's a nice boy, and he has a good job, why not?"

"Mami, you _know_ why."

I see Carlos start fidgeting out of the corner of my eye; I think he feels just as uncomfortable as I do. It makes me want to just tell them that I'm Santana's girlfriend so that she won't have to answer these questions. I know how upset it makes her.

Maribel mutters something in Spanish and shakes her head before looking at Santana again. "Mija, don't start with this nonsense again, you act like I'm trying to marry you off or something. I just think it would be nice to have somebody to look after you and take you nice places. I bet Brittany has a boyfriend, don't you?" She says, turning to me.

My heart jumps up into my throat at that, I can feel everybody at the table looking at me. I open my mouth to say something, although I don't know what, but Santana talks before I can.

"No, she doesn't have a boyfriend, Mom."

I look up then, to find Mrs Lopez staring straight back at me from across the table, her expression harder than it's been all evening and her eyes glazed over with something like recognition. It sends a shiver down my spine.

"Fine," she sighs, finally looking away from me and going back to her dinner, "you do as you please, you always do."

I jump when Santana slams her fork down on her plate and starts speaking to her Mom heatedly in Spanish.

They exchange hushed, angry-sounding words for a few minutes, none of which I understand, before Santana turns to her Dad.

"Papi, are you just going to let her say things like that to me?"

Her voice trembles and it sounds like she's trying not to cry so I move my hand to squeeze her knee underneath the table. It's not enough but it's all I can manage for now, I think it's all she'd _want_ me to manage until we're alone.

"I think we should all just calm down a little," he says in response.

Santana just shakes her head and picks up her fork again, so I do the same.

We eat the rest of our dinner in excruciating silence and decide not to order dessert. Santana tries to get the bill when we're finished but her Dad doesn't let her. He pulls her into a lengthy hug once we get to the parking lot and whispers something into her ear before letting her go. She gives her Mom and awkward peck on the cheek and promises to stop by the apartment tomorrow before we part ways.

Her Dad shoots me a warm smile and waves before he turns away completely but her Mom ignores me the same way she did all through the rest of dinner. I guess Santana was wrong about them both liking me.

I don't say anything when she walks around to the driver's side door instead of the passenger's side, she probably just wants to focus on driving so that she doesn't have to think about how badly that went.

I want to say something to her so badly as we drive, but she barely looks like she even knows I'm there. I doubt there's anything I can say to make her feel better anyway, she was so sure her parents would like me, I can't imagine how disappointed she must feel. It gives me a painful knot in my tummy just thinking about it.

We drive the whole way home in silence, but for the radio, and we still don't say anything as we walk up the stairs to my apartment.

Once we get inside Santana sits on the edge of my bed instead of the couch. I'm not sure why because it's definitely not time for bed, it's not even five o'clock yet, but I don't question her.

"I'll make us some tea," I say, and turn towards the kitchen. I feed Lord Tubbington while the water boils and try to think of something I can say when I go back out there.

The more I think about everything the more I start to feel really, really angry. I'm not sure if it's at myself or at Santana's Mom, probably both, all I know is nobody should ever be made to feel that way by their own parents.

And I can't help but feel like I should have said something, maybe if her parents knew how much I love Santana they wouldn't be so mad. You can't be mad at people for loving each other; it can't be anything other than good. Or I should have told them that I do look after Santana, or at least I try, if that's what she needs, and that I want to take her all kinds of nice places someday, just like her Mom said she wanted for her. She doesn't need a boy for those things.

I should have said something.

I put our cups of tea on the bedside table to cool down before dropping down next to Santana on the edge of the bed.

I wrap her in a sideways hug and whisper, " _Sorry_ ," into her hair.

"Don't be," she mumbles, "I was stupid for thinking it would be any different," she untangles herself from my arms and lays back on the bed. I lie down next to her on my side and watch her face for a little while as she stares at the ceiling before I say anything back.

"Your Dad doesn't seem like he minds," I say, "so we're sort of halfway there."

She smiles a little but shakes her head. "If he's not willing to speak up against her, he may as well just agree with her. It doesn't make any difference."

I sigh and scoot closer to her, resting my head next to her shoulder and draping my arm over her stomach.

I listen to her breathe for a good few minutes before she speaks again, her voice is low and thick, like she's holding back tears and it makes me hug her tighter.

"Are we complete idiots?" She asks.

"What d'you mean?" I hush.

She shakes her head and lets out a heavy breath. "It's been years, and I still keep trying. I still keep trying to get her to like me and be proud of me. I _hate_ that I can't stop caring."

I lean in and kiss her cheek. "It's okay, I would probably be the same," I tell her. I _know_ I would, I've spent my whole life trying to get my Mom to like the things I do and the decisions I make. I think everybody does that, at least a little bit.

"You _are_ the same. You're still trying to call your Mom every day; it's been months, Britt. Do you ever really think she's going to answer? It's stupid, we're both _stupid_."

I flinch a little at her words as she sits bolt upright. She shakes her head and pinches the bridge of her nose and I open my mouth to say something but no words come out.

I don't think she's ever called me stupid before, in fact she's usually the one making sure I know I'm _not_ stupid.

She takes her hand away from her face and squeezes my fingers where they rest between us on the mattress. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't…I didn't mean it like that."

"It's okay," I whisper. I scoot closer and rest my head on her shoulder and breathe out a sigh of relief when she wraps her arms around me.

"It's not stupid, you know?" I tell her, "I think being able to love somebody that much even when they hurt you is pretty amazing."

She pulls back and cocks an eyebrow at me, I'm glad she's sort of being half-playful again. "If you say so."

I shrug. "It's just how families work, I guess."

"Yeah, well, it's supposed to work the other way too."

I lean in so that she can hug me again. "Just give it some time, they'll come around," I say.

"How do you know?" She mumbles into my hair.

"Because if they don't they'll end up losing you, and you're way too awesome to lose."

I feel her breath out a laugh against the top of my head before placing a kiss there and pulling me backwards to lay down with her again. She starts stroking my hair back and it makes me close my eyes.

"I love you, Britt."

I smile and hug her tighter because it's not often she says that, I think I can probably count on one hand the number of times she's said it since we've been together. It makes my heart feel like it's trying to fly out of my chest.

"Yeah, me too."

/

**Three months ago…**

We kiss and kiss until I feel like I'm going to pass out from lack of oxygen, and then we keep kissing some more. Her fist tightens in my hair and my fingers clutch tightly at her jacket.

I feel her gasp against my lips as I roll on top of her and press my thigh between her legs.

I try to ignore the fact that I can feel my tears dropping onto her face still, I want to ignore _everything_ , and kissing her makes it a lot easier to do that.

I shrug off my jacket with her help and throw it behind me, not caring where it lands, before I start up a rhythm, rocking my hips into her and pressing my thigh up against her center.

She lets out a stifled moan into my mouth as she forces her tongue through my lips and I feel her nails bite into the skin on the back of my neck. It hurts and I'm not sure I like it, doing this with her is like a dream where I don't have to think about any of the things that are really happening. I'm scared the way she's clawing at me will wake me up so I pull away from her lips and sit up.

All I can hear is our heavy breathing but I don't look at her face, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what she looks like right now without looking anyway, tousled and flustered, with her eyes red-raw from crying.

I start unfastening her jeans, they're so tight and my fingers fumble with the zipper for a moment. I vaguely register her saying my name but I ignore it.

"Britt," she says, louder this time, but still breathless, "stop."

I just shake my head and keep going until I feel her fingers close around my wrists and still my hands. "Stop, stop, stop," she says quickly and barely above a whisper as she sits up.

I feel more tears start rolling down my cheeks and all I can manage to say back to her is a choked, pathetic, " _please._ "

I feel the bed shift but I'm still looking down so I'm not sure what she's doing until she's back in front of me on her knees, and pulling me into a tight hug.

"We can't," she whispers, "not like that."

I hesitate before wrapping my arms around her waist and burying my face in her neck. I try not to think of anything other than how good her hair smells but it doesn't really work.

She doesn't pull back until my shoulders stop shaking with sobs. I give her a subtle nod, although I'm not really sure what for, then I feel her thumbs brush away all the stray tears left on my face.

I see she has mascara tracks staining her face when I look at her so I try to return the favor by cleaning them away with my sleeve.

"I know this sucks really bad, Britt," she says, her voice still groggy from crying, "but we'll figure it out, I promise. We can talk to your Step-Dad, tell him how you feel, maybe you can come to an arrangement or something, he seems like a good guy."

She cups my cheeks and forces me to look her in the eye. "Okay?"

I give her another little nod and try to smile. She's right, Richard _is_ a good guy. Maybe he'll let Katie come stay with me from time-to-time. It's funny, I never really thought about just asking before. I missed Katie way before all this stuff with my Mom happened, but I never asked if I could see her more. I never felt like I had a right to.

We sit facing each other in silence for a little while, and it's actually quite nice. It's like that time in the bathtub; just sitting with her is soothing.

"Did you mean it?" She asks after a little while. Her voice isn't groggy anymore, just quiet and a little timid.

I don't have to ask what she means. "Yes," I nod and look down at my hands resting on my thighs. I feel my face heat up but I can't bring myself to regret telling her. I'm glad she knows.

She hesitates for a good few seconds before she says anything else. "I do too…um, love you…I mean. You know that, right?" Her voice trembles and trails off as she talks and I feel my heart start trying to beat its way out of my chest.

My eyes snap back to her face. "Really?"

She gives me a little smile and nods. "Yeah, I uh…I think you had me at _do you want me to blow on you?_ "

I snort out a laugh and we both start giggling.

I shake my head when we both stop and give her a smile. "Santana?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we go to sleep for a little while?" I ask.

She looks at her watch and then back at me. "Sure, but it's kind of early."

"I know, but, I just wanna lay with you and go to sleep."

"Okay," she nods and shrugs off her jacket, before scooting back up the bed and laying down. She holds her arms out and wraps them around me as I lay down next to her with my head on her chest.

I'm glad she doesn't question me any more, this has been both the best and worst day of my life and I want a break from how big all my feelings are right now, even the good ones.

I'll think about them tomorrow.


	2. Better with You

**Sunday, May 20th** **2012**

"Oh my God, what is your problem?"

Santana halts abruptly and raises her eyebrows at me, she's smiling but I think it's because I'm smiling too. I grab the tube of toothpaste from her and squirt some on my own toothbrush before handing it back.

"You always squeeze from the middle," I say, "who does that?"

She giggles and playfully shoves me. "Yeah, well, you always put the lid down on the toilet seat when you've finished using it."

I scrunch my eyebrows together. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"Not when I have to touch it with my hands to lift it up when I wanna go. It's gross."

"Well you could always wash your hands after you use the bathroom… just sayin'."

She gasps and slaps me on the arm before finally putting her toothbrush in her mouth and shaking her head at me.

She keeps on smiling at me when we catch eyes in the mirror while we brush our teeth and I feel silly for getting butterflies in my tummy. I've just really loved having her here this past week, even though technically it's not that much different from usual. Most nights we end up staying together, either at my place or hers, but the fact that she has some of her stuff here and hasn't had to go home every morning to get a change of clothes makes it _feel_ different.

It makes me wish she never had to go home again. I feel my face flush red because I know I'm getting ahead of myself and if she knew what I was thinking there would probably be a Santana-shaped hole in the door right about now.

I hear her switch on the shower behind me as I dry my mouth on a towel, I'm about to open the bathroom door and leave her to get ready when I feel her wrap an arm around me from behind. She brushes my hair away from my shoulder with her other hand and starts gently kissing my neck, it makes me close my eyes and hum in contentment.

"Take a shower with me," she whispers in my ear, sending goose bumps prickling down my spine.

It makes my heart hammer inside my chest and the hair on the back of my neck stand on end when she says things like that to me and all I can think about now is all the other times we've _taken a shower together;_ and how it usually leads to Santana pressing me up against the tiles and thrusting her fingers so far inside me I see stars.

I open my mouth to tell her it's not fair for her to be that sexy, but all that comes out is a barely there, " _hm,_ " so I just nod and let her take off my pajamas for me.

When she turns me around to face her I notice she's already naked. I'm about to make a cheeky remark about it but before I can she wraps her hand around the back of my neck and pulls me into a kiss so deep it makes my knees buckle.

When she pulls away she smirks at me as she takes my hands and leads me into the tub and under the running water.

/

"Jeez, you really did a number on my back," I say, twisting my torso and craning my neck to look at my back in the mirror.

I'm about to pull on my top but Santana walks up behind me to see for herself. She brushes my hair off of my shoulders and I hear a sharp intake of breath before she says anything.

"Ouch," she whispers and leans in to kiss my shoulder, "I'm sorry." She starts running her fingers soothingly over the scratches on my back and buries her face in my hair. "I couldn't help it," she mumbles.

I feel my face heat up and a dorky grin fall over my lips as I look down at the floor. She must notice in the mirror because I hear her giggle as she playfully bats my arm.

"You should probably wear a blouse or a tee shirt or something instead of that tank top," she says as she wraps her arms around me and starts tickling her fingers across my belly, "unless you want Tina to start asking where you got 'em."

I nod and chew the inside of my cheek. "Good point," I reply as I throw my top on the bed, I walk over to the dresser but Santana makes it kind of difficult to move because she refuses to let go of my waist. I giggle as she nuzzles into my neck.

"Or maybe you could just call Tina and cancel and I can blow off my parents and we can spend all day in bed."

I turn and poke her in the belly once I've found a blouse and she lets go of me with a chuckle. "You promised your parents you'd stop by today."

"I don't wanna," she pouts as she drops down onto the bed.

I sit down beside her once I've finished buttoning my shirt and pull her into a hug. "You promised them," I mumble into her hair, "They're only gonna be in town another couple of days."

"That's a couple of days too long," she mutters under her breath.

"You'll miss them when they're gone," I say as I kiss the top of her head.

"I'm telling them," she says.

"Telling them what?"

"That you're my girlfriend, I know they probably already figured that out yesterday but I want them to know for sure."

She sounds so resigned when she says that, that I'm not sure if she actually means it at all. I hug her tighter because I hate the fact that something to do with me is making her feel so conflicted.

"If they already know, maybe you shouldn't say anything. You don't wanna upset them if you can avoid it, right?" I say gently.

"No, I'm sick of walking on egg shells around them. Around _her._ If she's uncomfortable with it then that's her problem. I mean," she wriggles out of my arms and lets out an exasperated sigh as she turns to face me, "my cousin, Sofia, is getting married in the fall. Am I supposed to take some guy as my date instead of you just so my Mom isn't embarrassed by me? Fuck that, Britt. I'm not doing it anymore," she shakes her head and purses her lips as she crosses her arms over her chest.

I feel warmth surge through my chest at her words. It propels me forward and before I can even think about it I put my hands on either side of her face and pull her into a gentle kiss. I think I surprise her a little because she stiffens before she relaxes into it. I smile against her lips and then pull away, letting my forehead rest against hers as I stroke my thumbs across her cheeks.

"So, is that your way of inviting me to your cousin's wedding?" I whisper.

I feel her breathe out a laugh against my lips. "Maybe. It crossed my mind."

I giggle and pull her into another hug, nuzzling my face into her neck and breathing in deeply so I can smell her shampoo. I shriek when she falls back against the mattress, pulling me down with her, and then rolling us so that she's on top of me.

She doesn't do anything else, just smiles down at me while I catch my breath. "I really am sorry about the scratches," she whispers.

"That's okay, it was sexy," I mumble.

Her smile grows wider and I close my eyes when she starts stroking my cheek with her backs of her knuckles. When she finally leans in to kiss me I feel myself melt.

She bites my lip a little before she pulls back and smirks down at me. "You sure you don't just wanna stay in bed all day?"

I let out a groan in response because she's not playing fair and she laughs as she sits up off of me. "Okay, okay, I'll go," she sighs.

I roll onto my side and watch her as she walks over to the coffee table and grabs her purse before slipping her shoes on at the front door.

"You're leaving right now?" I ask, sitting up.

"Yeah, I may as well get it over with," she shrugs. "Anyway, it's almost eleven, isn't Tina picking you up soon?"

I nod and let myself fall back down onto the mattress with a sigh. "I'll miss you," I mutter.

"I'm gonna see you in a few hours," she giggles as she opens the door. She blows me a kiss before leaving.

/

I'm still not used to Tina's new car; after she told Mike about the baby he insisted that they get a more family-friendly car so they bought a Range Rover. It's really nice and roomy and I feel kind of like a giant as we pull into the parking lot at the mall.

I unfasten my seatbelt and turn to get out of the car when I feel Tina grab my arm. "Oh, oh, he's moving!" She chirps as she presses my hand to her – now noticeably convex – belly and places her own hand over the top of it. "Can you feel that?" She asks, grinning, "Like a fluttering…"

I wait a few seconds before shaking my head with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, T."

She huffs out a breath and lets go of my hand. "It happened this morning too, Mike couldn't feel it either."

"He's still really tiny, Tina. When my Mom was pregnant with Katie nobody else could feel her kicking until like, her third trimester."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh," I nod, "it's totally normal. Ask the doctor at your next check-up if you're worried."

"I'm not _worried_ ," she shrugs, "I just want somebody else to feel it," she looks down and starts stroking her hand over her little bump. "I can't even explain it; it's like, the weirdest most wonderful feeling ever."

I smile and give her shoulder a squeeze. "Just give it a few weeks."

She nods. "Come on, let's get inside before someone mistakes this stupid car for a tank and sends the bomb squad in."

We go to GAP first once we're inside the shopping center because they do really cute baby clothes. Tina and Mike found out at her twenty week scan that they were having a boy so we've finally gotten around to that baby-shopping trip we planned months ago.

She holds up an adorable little blue onesie with a duck on the front of it and I give her a smile and a nod before something occurs to me.

"Hey, T, maybe you shouldn't buy baby clothes just yet. I mean, you're probably going to get given a bunch of stuff like that so, why waste your money, right?"

She hangs the onesie back on the rail and looks deep in thought for a moment. "Yeah, that's a good point," she sighs. "But I want to get him _something_ that's from me."

"Yeah, of course. I didn't mean don't get _anything,_ just, you're probably going to be inundated with baby clothes, so maybe just get a couple of things for the nursery today. Or a teddy bear or something? His first teddy bear should definitely be from you and Mike," I smile.

She grins and nods at me. "Yeah, okay, we should go to the toy store."

She turns but I grab her arm before she can walk away. "Hold up, aren't you at least going to buy some maternity clothes while we're here? Or are you planning on wearing those sweats for the rest of your pregnancy?"

She glances down at herself as if to make sure she is, in fact, wearing sweats before running her fingers through her hair. "That's a good idea," she mumbles, "I do miss wearing jeans," she kind of trails off and looks a little flustered all-of-a-sudden as she avoids eye contact with me.

I step forwards and put my hands on her shoulders. "You okay?"

She nods but it doesn't look entirely convincing and I feel my stomach sink a little. "Hey, what is it?" I ask gently as I start running my hands up and down her arms.

She shakes her head. "I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know. I just… I'm over halfway through this now and I haven't done anything other than buy a stupid car that we didn't even need, and Mike's always working and this is so fucking scary, Britt. I just… I just feel really overwhelmed. I didn't even realize I was dressing like a slob."

"What, no, you're not dressing like a slob. I-I was just kidding," I stutter.

"I know," she says. She leans forward and rests her head on my shoulder and I wrap my arms around her automatically.

"It's okay," I mumble into her hair. My heart pangs with guilt because I had no idea she felt this way, she always seems so excited about the baby when I see her.

"Don't get me wrong, Mike is great. It's not his fault he has to work all the time and he's so sweet and excited when he is home. And he always makes sure we have plenty of cheese in the house because I've been eating so much of it lately."

She pulls back and takes a deep breath. I notice for the first time that she does look a little paler than usual, and her eyes are little more sunken in. I feel terrible for not noticing before.

"You look really tired," I tell her, "are you not sleeping properly?"

She shrugs. "Some nights I sleep okay."

I take that as a _no_ but I don't say that; Tina hates people fussing over her. "You should have told me," I mumble as I reach out to squeeze her shoulder again. "I can help out with stuff, or I can come over more when Mike's not home if you're feeling overwhelmed. Anything you need."

She smiles and shakes her head. "I didn't wanna bother you."

"It's not bothering me; I want you to be okay. I'll do anything-"

"Come pick out some maternity clothes with me," she says, placing her hand on top of mine on her shoulder and squeezing. "That's all I need you to do for me right now," she smiles.

I open my mouth to protest but I think she can see it coming because she cuts me off.

"Please, Britt."

I let out a sigh before nodding and letting her drag me to the maternity department.

We pick out a couple of pretty tops and a pair of jeans with an elasticated waistband before Tina gets hungry and asks if we can head to the food court.

We settle on a sandwich bar and I make her sit down while I order our food and drinks at the counter before bringing it all over to our table on a tray. Tina grabs her plate before I've even set it down.

"Bye the way, my Mom will probably be calling you at some point, just a heads up," Tina says after swallowing her first gigantic bite of grilled cheese sandwich.

"What for?" I ask as I pick at my bagel.

"She's throwing me a baby shower, it won't be for a little while, but I think she wants you to help her organize it."

I feel my whole body pick up at hearing that, that'll be so much fun. "Awesome," I say.

"If you say so," Tina replies, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, we've talked enough about me today, what's going on with you? How's Santana?"

"She's good," I shrug, "I met her parents yesterday."

Tina's eyes widen. "Right! I forgot about that, how did it go?"

"Not so great," I sigh, "Her Mom was trying to fix her up with this guy again." I drop my bagel on its plate and start swirling the straw around in my chocolate milk.

"Wow… that sucks. Was Santana okay?"

"She was pretty upset. She's with them right now; she's gonna tell them I'm her girlfriend."

Tina's brow furrows. "Wait, they didn't already know?"

"I think they might've guessed yesterday, but she's telling them, to be sure, today."

"Right," Tina nods, "well, her Mom kind of sounds like a bitch."

I just shrug. It's probably not the word I would have used to describe her, but after yesterday I'm finding it hard to disagree. Seeing Santana sad like that was the worst feeling ever, or maybe second worst after seeing Katie sad.

"So, am I ever going to get to meet her?" Tina asks, before taking another bite out of her sandwich.

I let out a heavy breath. "Tina…"

"What? You guys have been dating for months; I should have met her by now. How else am I supposed to decide if she's good enough, huh?"

I roll my eyes but I can't help but smile. "Whenever I bring it up, she changes the subject. I think she's nervous about it."

"Well, tell her that's stupid," she says as she goes back to her sandwich.

I'm about to pick up my bagel again as I try to ignore what Tina just said when her face lights up like a Christmas tree. "Hey!" She exclaims, banging her hand on the table and making me jump a little. "Bring her to Mike's birthday party next Saturday."

"Oh…uh," I look sheepishly away from her face, "actually, I don't think I can come to that at all. It's my weekend to have Katie." I look back at her but she doesn't look mad.

"Bring her too," she shrugs. "It won't be like the usual parties or anything, Mike and I won't be drinking and I think Mike's cousin is bringing his kids."

"I dunno, Tina…"

"Everybody already knows, if that's what you're worried about," she says.

I feel my eyebrows scrunch together. "Knows what?"

"That you're dating a girl."

My heart jolts a little and my eyes widen. "What? How?"

"I told them," she shrugs.

"Told who? Who's everyone?"

"Our _friends,_ " she replies, rolling her eyes.

My heart settles a little and I relax in my seat. Tina smiles and I think it's a testament to how well she knows me that she knew it was okay to do that. Most people probably would have been mad but I would much rather she tell them while I'm not there than have to explain it myself, face-to-face. It's actually a huge relief knowing that all of my friends know and I don't have to come out of the closet again, even though I'm pretty sure they would all be okay with it. I'm actually surprised none of them have said anything to me about it.

I sigh and shake my head. "I'll ask Santana, but I'm not gonna make her go if she doesn't want to."

"Awesome," Tina nods and grins triumphantly.

/

We look around a few more shops when we're done eating but all Tina ends up buying is this cute, sky-blue window shade with a picture of a sun on it for the baby's room and a cool stroller with three wheels. She scoffs at me when I tell her it looks like a speed-racer stroller and her baby will grow up to be a daredevil if she gets that one. Tina gets hungry again once I've hefted all her shopping into the back of her car for her so we get some more food before heading home.

She makes me promise I'll try my best to get Santana to come to the party on Saturday when she drops me off outside my apartment block, but I just nod without saying anything because I'm pretty sure I already know how that conversation is going to go. I make her promise to call me if she starts feeling overwhelmed again in return.

I'm not surprised to find Santana is already home when I get inside, I knew she wouldn't stay with her parents any longer than she had to.

She doesn't even look up at me from where she's laying on the couch, watching TV. So I kick my shoes off and dump my purse on the floor before walking over to her.

At first she just moves her legs so that I can sit down but after a few seconds she scoots around completely so that she's laying with her head in my lap.

I don't say anything, I know she'll talk when she wants to, so I just gently play with her hair. It's always so soft, like running my fingers through threads of silk. I smile when I look at the TV and notice she's been watching cartoons, I guess I've finally managed to convince her of how awesome they are.

Seeing Santana like this makes it even harder than usual to understand the things that other people think about her. She's the sweetest, most sensitive person I know. I know sometimes she gets mad and yells at people and she likes everybody to think that she's a bitch, but it's so obvious to me that it's a front that I don't get how everybody else doesn't see that too.

Maybe they're just not looking hard enough, although I don't really recall ever having to look.

"I told them," she mumbles against my leg.

"Yeah? What did they say?" I hush.

She sits up and kneels beside me so that we're face to face. "My Dad liked you," she says around a sad smile, "he said that. My mom just pretended like I didn't say anything," she shrugs.

I nod and bring my hands up to hold her face and use my thumbs to try to smooth out the worry lines etched into her skin. She looks so exhausted.

She closes her eyes as I cup her cheeks and covers my hands with her own. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Don't be," she shakes her head gently, "you're the only thing that makes it all worth it, especially now."

I kind of want her to elaborate because I'm not sure exactly what she means, but she doesn't say anything else, she just leans forward and presses her lips against mine.

Her hands wrap around the base of my neck before I feel them slide up into my hair as she takes my bottom lip between her own. My eyes squeeze themselves even tighter shut than they already were as she holds me there without changing the kiss.

When she stops she pulls my hands away from her face with her own and holds them against her chest as she rests our foreheads together.

"Is there anything I can do now?" I ask. "Are you hungry? I can cook dinner, or we snuggle and watch a movie? Whatever you want."

She hesitates for a few seconds before she answers. "I want a bath," she mumbles.

"Okay, I'll go run you one," I say. I go to pull away but her grip on my hands tightens and she doesn't let me.

"No, I meant together," she says.

My tummy tingles with butterflies the way it always does when she suggests things like that but I can't help the way my eyebrows knit together. "But we already took a shower together this morning…"

"So?" She smirks, "is there a limit to how many times a day I can be wet and naked with my girlfriend now?"

I breathe out a laugh and feel my face get a little hot. "No, of course not," I tell her.

She scoots even closer to me as she lets go of my wrists and starts running her hands over my thighs and I let my head fall against the back of the couch as I smile up at her. "I just need to relax," she says.

"Okay," I nod, "I'll go run us a bath."

I leave Santana to watch TV while I run the water. I put in all of her favorite bath salts and bubble bath and light some candles so that I don't have to switch on the glaring overhead light. By the time I'm finished it looks so nice I almost don't want to ruin it by actually getting in.

"Smells good," Santana murmurs as I lead her into the bathroom. I smile as she wraps her arms around me from behind and kisses my cheek. "Thank you, sweetie."

"You're welcome," I reply.

I let her get in first before sliding in behind her. Usually Santana likes to be the big spoon when we do this but I figured today would be different.

When she relaxes back against me I try to only let my hands run over her shoulders and arms because I know I won't be able to stop them from wandering if they go any lower, and I'm pretty sure this isn't one of _those_ baths.

She eventually grabs my arms and wraps them around her waist so that both of our hands are resting on her stomach. I feel her relax even more and become dead weight against me as she sighs in contentment.

I can't help but trail gentle kisses from her shoulder to her neck. I know I've already acknowledged that this bath isn't like that, but she's still wet and naked and pressed up against me and I'm only human.

"Feels good," she mumbles.

I smile against her skin and nod in agreement.

I suddenly remember what Tina said to me at the mall earlier. I'm not sure if this is a really good time or a really bad time to bring it up. On the one hand Santana seems pretty relaxed and happy right now, but on the other I know she's upset about her Mom.

I guess there's no harm in asking though; if she doesn't want to she can just say no.

"Why'd you stop?" Santana says all-of-a-sudden, breaking my train of thought.

"Hmm?" Is she talking about kissing her neck? "Oh, uh…I wanted to ask you something," I tell her.

"Ask me what?" She says as she starts running her hands over my arms that are still wrapped around her.

"Um, well Tina's having a party next Saturday for Mike's birthday. Do you wanna come? Tina really wants to meet you."

"Oh, um, I dunno, Britt…I-"

"It's okay if you don't want to," I tell her, "I'd just really like you to meet my friends. And we hang out with your friends all the time and that's fun so, I think it would be good…" I sigh because I don't think I'm selling it all that well. I feel her stiffen a little in my arms and she stops moving her hands.

She takes a big gulp and lets out a heavy breath. "Okay," she whispers.

I feel my body jolt with excitement. "Really?"

"Yeah, you're right; I should meet your friends if you've met mine. And I want to meet Tina," she nods resolutely and starts tickling her fingers over the backs of my hands. "Are you taking Katie? It's your weekend to have her, right?"

"Uh-huh, Katie's coming."

"Okay, do I have to pretend to be your friend? Tina's the only one of your friends who knows we're dating isn't she?"

I smile because it's cute when she gets nervous and starts asking too many questions. "They all know, Tina told them. You're coming as my girlfriend," my smile turns into a grin because I honestly never thought I would ever be saying any of these things.

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm," I say as I squeeze her tighter.

"Okay," she sighs.

"How are you feeling?" I ask.

"Better, I guess, but I always feel better when I'm with you."

I smile and nuzzle into the back of her neck.

"Likewise."


	3. Moments

**Wednesday, May 23rd** **2012**

"Um, Brittany, could you help me clean up the art stuff before you go to lunch?"

"Oh, yeah, of course," I drop my purse that I just picked up from behind Rachel's desk and walk over to one of the newspaper-lined tables. "Wait, I thought we were gonna let the kids finish their paintings this afternoon?"

Rachel stops stacking paint pallets on the table she's next to and looks up at me with a guilty smile. "Well, I really wanna get out of here right away this afternoon. Finn's taking me somewhere special for our anniversary and I haven't even picked out my outfit yet, and then once I've picked out my outfit I'll need makeup that matches and obviously I'll need a shower first because I'm covered in paint and glue, so I thought we could get everything cleared away now and just watch a DVD with the kids this afternoon and then we can leave right on time," she takes a deep breath when she's finished because I'm pretty sure she didn't take one the whole time she was talking.

I smirk at her as I start balling up paint-spattered newspaper and tossing it in the recycling can. "Rachel, that sounds _awfully_ close to breaking the rules," I tease.

She rolls her eyes and her guilty smile widens a little. "It's _not_ breaking the rules; we're allowed to show them movies as long as they're educational."

"Yeah, but for personal gain?" I shake my head and click my tongue.

Rachel doesn't retort but she does ball up some of the newspaper from her own table and toss it at my head. I laugh and throw some back at her as she squeals and shields her face with her hands.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," I giggle before she can throw any more at me. "So, what movie are we watching?"

"Up," she replies, reaching behind her towards her desk and picking up the DVD case to show me.

"Awesome, I love that movie," I tell her as she puts it back.

"Good," she picks up her stack of paint pallets and walks over to the sink. "Oh, did I tell you we set a date for the wedding?"

I smile as I join her by the sink to wet a washcloth. "No, you didn't, that's great, Rach."

"Yep, November eighteenth. We're going to go on our honeymoon over the Thanksgiving break."

"Awesome," I say. I wander back to the table and start wiping away the paint that managed to seep through the newspaper.

"We're still looking at different designs for the invitations but you can expect yours soon," she tells me.

"Great," I reply and then pause for a moment, "Wow, everybody's like, _doing_ stuff."

"What d'you mean?"

I shrug as I go back to wiping down the table top. "I dunno, I mean, you're getting married, my friend Tina is having a baby, Ryan and Dustin are planning to get married in Canada next year. Everybody's doing all these big, amazing things."

She sighs and nods as she stares dreamily out of the window. "Yeah, it's pretty grown-up, huh?"

"Mm-hmm," I agree.

"You're still young though, Brittany. I'm sure all that stuff will happen for you one day too."

I breathe out a laugh and shake my head because that isn't really what I was getting at when I said that. "Yeah, I know," I tell her.

I wonder if by the time Santana and I get married we'll have to go somewhere else to do it like Ryan. I wouldn't mind that since I've never really traveled. Maybe I'll have been brave enough to tell my family by then too, and my Dad can walk me down the aisle and if my Mom's back she can sit in the front row with Richard and Ryan. I guess I'll have to have told them by then, I can't exactly get married without telling my family. I'm pretty sure Ryan already knows something anyway so maybe I could tell him first.

"It's a shame things didn't work out between you and Sam," Rachel snaps me away from my thoughts and I feel my face fall so fast I don't have time to stop it. I turn away from her and hope that she didn't notice.

"Uh-huh," I mutter.

"Hey, you know, Finn has this friend, Rory. Apparently he took quite a liking to you at my birthday party but he didn't talk to you because you had a boyfriend."

I feel my eyebrows knit together and I turn around to face her again. She's stopped washing up paint pallets now and is leaning with her butt against the sink and her arms folded, smiling at me. "Okay…" I draw the word out because I'm not sure I like where she's going with this.

"Well, how about I fix you up? He's cute and funny and he has the most adorable Irish accent. I think you two could really hit it off."

I try to ignore how hot my face gets and the way my heart starts beating in my ears, I start rubbing unnecessarily hard and fast at the table top with my washcloth. "Uh, it's really sweet of you to offer, but, I'm not looking to meet anybody," I tell her.

"You can't mope about Sam forever, Brittany," she sighs. I hear the clack of her footsteps on the floor as she takes a couple of steps towards me.

"I-I'm not _moping_ ," I stutter. It's times like this I really wish I could tell people at work that Santana and I are dating. Or at least Rachel, but every time I bring it up to Santana she gets a look on her face like Indiana Jones running from that giant ball and I end up taking it back and changing the subject.

"Okay, suit yourself," she huffs.

Rachel doesn't bring up my love-life or, apparent, lack thereof again while we finish cleaning the classroom. She mostly talks to me about the wedding and I'm happy to listen, or at least pretend to. In all honesty all I can't stop thinking about what she said and how bad I am at dealing with uncomfortable situations; I probably make it a hundred times worse by getting flustered like that. Maybe Santana can give me some pointers; she's really good at deflecting questions she doesn't want to answer.

"See you after lunch!" Rachel calls as we part ways at the classroom door once we're done. I say goodbye back but it comes out so frail and weak I'm not sure she heard it.

I'm probably about halfway to Santana's classroom when I hear a voice that I recognize right away - despite only having heard it once before - calling my name.

"Brittany?" He says again when I don't respond right away. I'm not sure why I didn't respond the first time; I think I was just surprised.

I stop and turn on my heels and see Santana's Dad walking towards me, a relieved look on his face. "H-hi," I stutter as he approaches me.

"Hi, Brittany. I'm sorry if I startled you, I'm looking for Santana's classroom, I've been walking around in circles trying to find it for the last ten minutes," he smiles down at me. It's that same crinkly-eyed smile that he kept giving Santana at lunch the other day and it instantly makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

"Right, I'm just heading there now, do you wanna walk with me?" I say. I kind of want to ask why he's here but I can't think of a way to say that without sounding rude.

"That would be great, thank you," he says as I turn and he falls into stride beside me. "So you don't work in the same classroom as Santana?"

I shake my head. "No, I work with Rachel," I tell him. He nods even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't know who Rachel is.

"That's a shame; it would be nice for the two of you to work together, no?"

I just smile and nod because I know he's only saying that to be polite.

"I know Santana would like it," he continues.

"Yeah, me too," I reply. Mr Lopez looks kind of edgy, all-of-a-sudden, like he wants to say something but he's not sure he should. At least, that's how it seems. He pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath.

"She's… she's very happy. That's… I'm glad," he looks down at me and offers me a timid smile which I return. I actually have an overwhelming urge to hug him, but I know that wouldn't be a good idea. I wonder briefly if he's told Santana that, I hope he has; I know it would really mean a lot to her.

We come to Santana's classroom then and I open the door and walk in in front of Mr Lopez. Santana is already sitting at her desk, munching on the lunch I packed for her this morning.

She looks up at me and smiles. "Hey, what took you so l-" she stops and pales a little as she looks past me and, I assume, spots her Dad.

"Dad, what are you doing here?" She asks, dropping her sandwich back in her lunch box. I move to stand behind the chair she put out for me on the other side of her desk and start drumming my fingers gently on the back of it just so that I have something to do.

"Your mother and I are on our way to the airport, I wanted to come say goodbye before we leave," he replies.

It's weird, even though I was surprised to see him at first I think I kind of expected him to do something like this. Santana has been ignoring her parents' calls since Sunday and based on what I know about her Dad so far I knew he wouldn't be able to just leave when things were so strained between them, and I'm pretty sure it would have bothered Santana a lot too. I'm actually really relieved he's here.

"Where _is_ Mom?"

Mr Lopez looks down at his feet before answering. "She's outside, in the taxi. I can't be too much longer or we'll miss our flight."

"How did you get in here?" She asks.

"The lady at the front desk let me in," he shrugs, "I told her I was your Father and she said you would be in your classroom."

Santana stands up and moves so that she's leaning against the side of her desk. "Okay, well, goodbye then," she says flatly.

"Santana," he moves forward and puts a hand on her shoulder, "I don't want to leave things like this."

"Well then, maybe you should talk to _her_ ," she snaps.

I'm really starting to feel like I'm intruding so I decide to say something before things get any more tense. "Um, I'm gonna go wait outside," I tell them.

I start moving towards the door but Santana shakes her Dad's hand off and puts her hands on my shoulders before I can. "No, stay," is all she says. I look at Mr Lopez and he nods at me, so I give him a tight-lipped smile as Santana lets go of my shoulders.

He takes a step towards Santana again so that they're standing face to face. "Santana, your mother, she just wants you to be happy."

"Yeah, well, she's got a funny way of showing it," she says, shaking her head.

"Mija… the things that made her happy, they might not be what makes you happy. She has trouble understanding that. Nobody's perfect."

Santana breathes out a laugh and shake her head again. "Nobody's perfect? That's seriously your excuse?" Her voice comes out all shaky and breathless.

I look down at the floor because I know I won't be able to stop myself from throwing my arms around Santana if her face keeps looking like that, she's trying so hard to hold herself together, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me to do that in front of her Dad.

"It's not an excuse, just a reason," he shrugs and ducks his head close to hers.

"Your Mother loves us so much that she doesn't understand how what she has couldn't make everybody happy," he says, quieter than he's been speaking this whole time.

That seems to break any resolve Santana had left because she curls into him and lets him wrap his arms around her. He says something else to her in Spanish that makes her hug him tighter and he takes her face in his hands as he pulls away.

"I really have to go," he says, "I'm going to call you later, okay?" He leans in to kiss her forehead and Santana nods and smiles weakly at him as he pulls away.

"Bye, Papi," she mumbles.

He nods at me and says goodbye with a polite smile and then he turns and leaves the classroom, closing the door behind him.

I immediately wrap my arms around Santana's shoulders and pull her into a hug. She completely sinks into me and I feel her hands clutch hard at the back of my shirt.

She doesn't cry; we just stand there for the longest time while she lets me hold her up. It makes my heart swell with so many big, scary feelings that I don't know what to do with and all I can think about is how much I love her and how I hate seeing her sad. It makes me want to wrap her up in bubble wrap so that nothing can ever hurt her again.

When she finally pulls back she leaves just enough room so that we're face to face but still holding onto each other. I lean in to kiss her without even thinking about it.

I don't think she's expecting it because she lets out a tiny, little whimper. Her hand comes up to wrap around my neck and I feel her nails bite into my skin. It shocks me a little and I inhale sharply, sucking her bottom lip between my own.

I'm about to pull away but Santana pulls me closer with the hand she still has on my back and forces her tongue into my mouth.

My entire body jolts and I can suddenly feel my heartbeat between my legs. Heat starts flooding my body like I just drank an entire bowl of soup really fast and I try to ignore the twinge of embarrassment I feel at getting so turned so very quickly when just a few seconds ago I was hugging her because she was sad.

I grip tightly at her shoulders to steady myself before I start pushing her backwards until her butt hits the desk with a small thud. I lean into her to try to get her to lie down but she doesn't and our bodies just end up being pressed incredibly close together.

I feel like I really _need_ her to lie down and I don't even know why, it's frustrating that she won't. I lean into her harder as our tongues push and wrestle against one another but she still doesn't budge, so I start pushing against her shoulders with my hands.

She jerks her lips away from mine with a wet smack. "Britt…" she gasps.

I open my eyes when I hear my name and all I can seem to notice about Santana at first is the way her chest is heaving up and down like mine and how puffy and red her lips are. Everything else is distorted and out of focus.

"The window," she pants, gesturing with her head towards the glass panel in the door. I turn to look at it in what feels like slow motion before looking back at her and nodding. I pull away from her so that she can stand upright and I feel the warmth that was fuelling my actions before get replaced by a different kind of heat, embarrassment maybe, or panic at how easily somebody could have seen. That was really stupid of me.

"Sorry," I mumble as I run my hands over my clothes to straighten them out.

"That's okay," she reaches for my hand and squeezes it, "it was my fault too."

I let myself look at her again and give her a timid smile, she's still breathing a little heavily. I think I am too. "Are you okay?" I ask her.

She nods but then shrugs. "I don't know, I will be, I guess."

"Do you… wanna talk, or…?" I really want her to talk if she's sad, but I almost feel bad asking because if she needs to talk I know she will when she's ready without me having to ask. I just had to say _something_.

"Not right now," she replies and I nod.

I breathe a sigh of relief when she leans forward and hugs me again. Her arms wrap around my waist and she nuzzles her face into the crook of my neck and I smile because it's a much sweeter hug than the first one.

I feel her body stiffen all-of-a-sudden before she starts talking. "No," she mumbles against my skin, "I take it back, I _am_ okay." She pulls back and smiles at me, the smile kind of doesn't reach her eyes and I feel my eyebrows knit together.

"What d'you mean?"

She shakes her head. "I used to let this upset me a lot, but, I guess my priorities are different now," she shrugs.

I feel my brow furrow even further and Santana's smile widens as she strokes her thumb across my forehead before resting her palm against my cheek. "I still don't know what that means…" I say as I feel heat creep up my cheeks.

She rolls her eyes but she's still smiling. "It _means,_ if I have to choose between you and her, I choose you, every time. I'm not gonna beat myself up anymore over something I can't help, Britt. And I'm more scared of losing you than losing her," she shrugs.

I give her a sad smile because that's really not a choice anybody should ever have to make. I don't want her to lose her Mom because of me, but then, I'm pretty sure her Mom was the same way long before I came along. And her Dad just gave us a pretty good reason as to why.

I lean forward and let her pull me into a hug again. I nestle into her neck and close my eyes. "I love you," I mumble.

She squeezes me even tighter when I say that. "You'd better," she says, and I giggle against her skin.

/

"Why are we here?" I whine as Santana drags me across the parking lot towards the main entrance of her apartment building.

"Because my parents are finally gone," she shoots me a grin over her shoulder, "and I can have my bed back."

"But your stuff is still at my place, and I don't have a change of clothes."

"We'll stop by your place later," she says as we march through the lobby.

"I need to feed Lord Tubbington."

We pause by the elevator and she jabs at the button before turning to look at me. "Yeah… and we'll stop by your place _later_ ," she says and pokes me in the belly making us both giggle.

We quickly compose ourselves when Mrs Hobbs, Santana's elderly neighbour from the apartment directly above hers, comes and stands behind us. Santana sighs and rolls her eyes and I think it's because we usually make out in the elevator when we're alone and now we won't be able to.

Santana yanks me out of the elevator as soon as the doors are open when we reach her floor, it earns us a reproachful look from Mrs Hobbs but I don't mind, I like it when Santana is all cute and playful like this, especially after what happened at lunch.

When we walk through the door of her apartment she drops her purse and kicks off her shoes before grabbing my purse from my shoulder and dropping that too. She takes my hand and leads me through the apartment, I think she's going to take me to her bedroom but she bypasses the door and leads me into the room at the end of the hallway, the one I slept in the first couple of nights I stayed here.

I slip my own shoes off and we both giggle as we stumble towards the bed. She collapses onto the mattress and pulls me down on top of her and into a kiss.

I pull back almost right away and look down at her as my brow furrows a little. "Um, why are we in here?" I ask her.

"Because we are _not_ using my parents' room until I've changed the sheets and switched the mattresses back."

I snort and bury my face in her neck before pulling back. "Wouldn't it be easier to just sleep in your own room?"

"But their room's nicer," she whines, "besides," she reaches up and taps at the window above the bed, "would you listen to that racket out there? You know how hard it is to sleep in this room."

"That's true," I agree.

"Okay, so are we done talking now?" She whispers as she pulls me back down to her lips by my shirt collar.

I smile into the kiss and I feel goose bumps prickle across my skin when she threads her fingers through my hair and scratches her nails gently across my scalp.

Her other hand comes to rest on my waist and clutches tightly at my shirt as our kiss gets more feverish, she pulls my hips harder against hers as her body rolls up into mine and I gasp into her mouth.

She slips her tongue between my lips while my mouth is open and slides it across mine. I feel her hands at the front of my shirt again and she starts unpopping the buttons, not even taking the time to do it one by one. She tears it from my body and drops it over the edge of the bed once it's completely open before wrapping her arms around me again and flipping us over.

She immediately disappears down my body and I half sit up to watch her as she fumbles at the buttons on my pants. It doesn't take her long to unfasten them and peel them off my legs before she crawls back up to my face and kisses me deeply again.

I feel her hand against the back of my head and she guides me to sit up with her as she straddles my lap. I let my hands slip under her top and graze over her belly as we keep kissing. I run them over her boobs and squeeze lightly over her bra as Santana bites at my lip.

It sends my excitement catapulting through the roof when she does things like that, and I think she knows it because I can feel her smiling against my lips. She lifts her arms as I bunch her top up the rest of the way and pull it off her, tossing it over the edge of the bed.

I immediately move my hands to the zipper on the side of her skirt and slide it down, I fumble and slip a little because she's kissing me so frantically it's kind of distracting, but I do it. I try to slide the skirt down her legs but I can't get it past her knees where's she's straddling me so I let my hands move back up her thighs and squeeze her butt, pulling her body impossibly closer to mine.

She moans into my mouth and my whole body shakes with anticipation as her fingers move feverishly against the clasp of my bra.

I find it funny that just a few minutes ago we were giggling and kidding around and now we're tearing each other's clothes off with an urgency that doesn't really seem to make any sense. But it's almost always like this between us, urgent and desperate, and I always end up regretting it after and wishing we'd made it last a little longer. Even now I know we should slow down but I just can't make myself stop.

Once she's pulled my bra off of my arms and discarded it on the floor with the rest of our clothes she pushes me back flat against the mattress and lies on top of me again.

I move my shaky hands to her back so that I can take off her bra too, she has to stop kissing me and move back a little so that I can pull it off completely and then she sinks down onto my body again, moaning against my lips as I push my tongue into her mouth.

I feel her start wriggling and suddenly her whole weight is against me as she stops leaning on her arms. I let my hands drift to her butt again and when I don't feel her underwear I realize she must have been kicking her panties and her skirt off of her legs.

"San-na," I mumble against her lips. I put my hands against her shoulders and try to push her away a little, "wait."

She breaks the kiss and looks down at me gasping for breath. "What's wrong?" She pants.

"Nothing, I-can we slow down?" I ask, breathless.

Her brow furrows and she pulls back a little further. "You…" she gulps and her eyes dart all over my face, "you don't want to?"

"No, no," I shake my head and bring my hand up to cup to cup her cheek, "I do, just… slower."

She nods hesitantly. "Okay," she whispers, "I'll go slower."

She leans back in to kiss me and takes my bottom lip gently between hers before sliding her lips across my cheek and down to my neck.

She gives me wet, open-mouthed kisses and sucks the skin there into her mouth as I close my eyes and let my hands run over her back. I don't think I'll ever get used to her kisses, how good they are and how warm they make me feel, Santana is always warm in all the right ways.

My body is still hot and buzzing like before, but it's much more diluted and peaceful now, it makes me feel so close to her.

I stroke her hair back gently as she kisses down my throat and over my chest and then I gasp when she starts running her tongue around my nipple. She takes it into her mouth and my back arches a little as my fingers tighten in her hair.

When she pulls away she sits up and I feel her hands against my collar bones before she starts gently raking her nails over my skin, past my chest and my ribs and down my belly. It makes me shudder and I have to close my eyes again and take deep breaths to stop my body from shaking so much.

When I look at her she's smirking down at me, the same way she always does when she finds something new that turns me to putty.

I lift my butt off the mattress to let her pull of my underwear and then she kneels between my legs again. Her hands slide down my thighs to the backs of my knees and then she pulls my legs so that they're wrapped around her waist.

When she lays back down on top of me she buries her face in the crook of my neck and starts thrusting her center against mine. I whimper and clutch at the backs of her shoulders, we're both kind of clammy now; I can feel it where her skin moves against mine.

I feel her lips against my neck again and she kisses her way back to my mouth, our kiss is so deep and aggressive even though her lips are a little shaky and I weave my fingers through her hair and push against the back of her head to pull her even harder against me.

She eventually gives up trying to kiss me as our thrusts get more frantic and just rests her forehead on mine as she pants and whimpers against my lips.

When I feel myself getting close I let my arms wrap around her back and clutch at her shoulder blades again. I move my head and bury my face in her hair and I can't help the way my legs tighten around her waist and pull her hips even harder against mine. My nails dig into her skin as my body goes rigid against her. I try to keep quiet, although I'm not really sure why, and when my muscles finally relax I gasp against her skin before letting my head fall back against the pillow.

I feel my legs loosen and fall away from her body and Santana just stays on top of me with her head resting against my chest as I lay there panting.

She moves her arm between our bodies but I'm not sure what she's doing until a few seconds later when I feel her shudder on top of me as she grips tightly at my shoulder. She lets out a strangled moan and then her body goes limp on top of mine.

We stay that way for a little while and then Santana wriggles up my body so that her face is next to mine and lies down beside me. She cups my cheek and pulls my face so that I'm looking at her before leaning in and giving me a slow, gentle kiss.

"Sorry, I didn't do so well with the whole _going slow_ thing, did I?" She whispers against my lips.

I smile and pull back a little to look at her. "It's okay, it still felt really good," I tell her. "You know you didn't have to uh…" I pause because I'm not sure if she'll get embarrassed if I actually say it, "do it yourself…like, I would've… you know?" I clear my throat and I notice Santana blush a little, but she still smiles.

"Yeah, sorry," she says and leans in to place a kiss on my shoulder, "I'm kind of impatient sometimes," she gives me a shy smile and I giggle a little.

I feel her hand wrap around my thigh and she pulls it so that it's draped over her waist and I'm on my side, facing her, then she snuggles into my chest. I let my hand tickle up and down her arm and rest my chin against the top of her head.

"We should go to my place and get our stuff," I say.

"No," she mumbles and hugs me tighter, "cuddles now, we'll go to yours later."

I grin at that. "What would you do if the rest of the world found out how adorable you really are, huh?"

"Shut up," she mutters as she playfully pinches my side. "Anyway I wanna take a shower before we go anywhere."

"A shower, huh? Are you sure you don't mean a bath? I know how much you like baths lately…" I tease.

She breathes out a silent laugh against my chest. "I only like them with you," she says, "I feel like bathtubs are like, _our_ place, ya know? We did have our first kiss in a bathtub."

I smile but I feel my eyebrows scrunch together at the same time. "Um, we had our first kiss in the doorway of your apartment, and then up _against_ the door of your apartment, and then in your bedroom, and then on your be-"

"Okay, okay," she swats playfully at my shoulder and I let out a giggle, "but that doesn't count. I class the bathtub as our first kiss, okay?"

"Why doesn't it count?" I ask.

She pulls back to look at me then and the hand she had wrapped around my waist comes up to stroke my cheek. "Because you were sad," she says gently.

I feel my smile fade a little. "Okay, the bathtub can be our first kiss if you want," I tell her. As long as she's happy I don't really mind what we count as our first kiss, every kiss with her is awesome, even the very first one. Maybe I _was_ sad and maybe I was super embarrassed after it all happened, but the fact of the matter is I kissed her because I liked her and I wanted to kiss her.

"That's one of my absolute favorite moments I've had, you know? Probably my second favorite," she tells me, barely above a whisper.

"What was?"

"That night in the bathtub, and not just because we kissed; but because of when we talked before, when you said that you understood. I've never felt that close to someone, I felt like if we could figure things out and be together and I could make you happy, then I'd have everything I'd ever need."

I let out a shaky breath and lean forward to kiss her gently. I feel like my heart has swelled to twice its normal size and it kind of aches, but in a good way.

"I want to make you happy too, you know that, right?" I whisper.

I feel her smile against my lips. "Don't worry, you do," she says.

"Santana," I pull back to look at her, "I don't want you to have to choose between me and your Mom, I don't-" I stop because she's shaking her head.

"I'm not; it's not even a choice, Britt. She's not _giving_ me a choice," she tries to shrug and strokes her thumb over my cheek. "I don't want you worry about that, okay? It's hasn't got anything to do with you."

I nod even though I'm pretty sure I'm still going to worry and she leans in to kiss my forehead.

"So… what's your first favorite?" I ask.

"Hmm?

"Your favorite moment? You said the bathtub was your second favorite…"

"Oh, um," she licks her lips and smiles timidly, "that day I acted like a jerk and you came home and said you wanted to be with me."

"Really?" I grin.

"Uh-huh," she nods and moves her face a little closer to mine.

"That's mine too."

She smiles again and tilts her face to kiss me.


	4. Happiness, more or less

**Sunday, March 4th** **2012**

I wonder sometimes if maybe it's better to understand things later rather than sooner. I've been anxious my whole life about not understanding things properly and people thinking I'm stupid because of it. Or even saying the wrong things and other people not understanding _me_ properly.

I think I forget sometimes that if you try to understand something too fast then you'll probably miss things that are important and end up not really understanding at all.

My Step-Dad, Richard, has always just kind of got that about me; the way my mind works. He's good at reading people like that. If he has to talk to me about something important he'll always give me a little time to mull it over before he expects a response or reaction. And it works the other way too; when I tell him things he thinks about them until he knows exactly what I mean.

He was the only person who ever did that for me until I met Santana. Even Tina tends to just skip over things I say when she finds them confusing.

Maybe it's because Richard and I never really talk that much that he finds it easier to be patient with me than most people seem to.

When I went to see him last Monday to ask if I could maybe start having Katie over every other weekend he said yes, but he kind of looked at me funny while he said it. It was like he couldn't understand why a twenty-three-year-old girl would want to be lumbered with a kid that isn't theirs when they don't have to be, and it kind of reinforced why I've been afraid to ask for more time with her until now; because I didn't have a right to.

But then I got a call from him a couple of days later and he told me that he was really happy we'd made this arrangement and that he thought he got why I wanted to do it. I didn't even say much but it was one of the best conversations I've had in a long time; he managed to put exactly how I felt about my situation with Katie into words when I didn't really know how. It made me feel a little less stupid for getting so upset.

I stop packing Katie's clothes into her duffle bag when I hear a knock at the door. I smile because Santana is a little early and it means the three of us can goof around for a little while before we have to leave.

I told her she didn't have to when she offered to take me in her car to drop Katie home, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. It is easier than walking, though, especially with Katie's stuff, and it means I get to see Santana for a little longer.

I open the door grinning from ear to ear but my smile fades immediately when it's not her on the other side of it.

"Sam?" I say, incredulous.

He stands sheepishly in the doorway, his shoulders hunched over and his fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"Hey, Britt," he mumbles, "I'm sorry for just dropping by like this, but, you won't answer your phone."

I feel my heart skip a beat out of guilt or panic or maybe both. I know Sam is going to think I'm ignoring him because I'm mad but it's really just because I don't know what to say to him. I feel so much worse about it now that he's standing here in front of me.

"I just came to get my stu-"

"Sam!" Katie shrieks from behind me, cutting him off, and then I hear her footsteps clumping across the hardwood floor. She brushes past me and throws herself at Sam, who lifts her up in his arms and hugs her tightly, his smile lighting up the entire building.

"Hey, Squirt!"

Katie pulls her face away from Sam's shoulder to look at him, her arms hugging tightly around his neck. "You never come over anymore," she whines. Sam opens his mouth to say something and I involuntarily hold my breath but Katie ends up speaking again before he can say anything. "Will you play _Go Fish_ with me?" she asks.

Sam gives her an apologetic smile. "Um, I don't think your sister wants me to stay, honey."

"She does!" Katie protests before turning to me with pleading eyes, "don't you, Britt-Britt?"

I feel my mouth open and close silently a couple of times, I really _don't_ want Sam to stay, and I don't think he does either; he looks completely uncomfortable, but I don't see how I can say no.

"You can play _Go Fish_ with her," I tell him quietly. I try to smile so that he doesn't feel bad.

He puts Katie down and shyly whispers, " _Just one game,_ " as she leads him past me.

I close the door and turn around just as they sit cross-legged opposite each other on the floor in front of the couch. Sam shuffles the deck of cards Katie hands him while she turns to me with a huge grin on her face. I know she's missed Sam a lot. "You're gonna play too, right, Britt?" she asks.

"Sure," I nod and clear my throat because my voice sounds kind of weak and scratchy. I join them on the floor so that we're sitting in a triangle and Sam deals out the cards.

It's awkward at first; Sam and I avoid eye contact and try to focus our attention on Katie but I think she picks up on how uncomfortable we are because after a few minutes she asks us if we're still boyfriend and girlfriend in that non-hesitant, uninhibited way that kids do.

Sam and I look at each other and then away again quickly and I decide to just tell her the truth because she has to find out sooner or later. "No, sweetie," I say.

She nods silently and doesn't bring it up again.

We actually manage to relax and have fun after that, I'm not sure how, maybe because it's impossible not to have fun playing games with Katie. I forgot how good Sam is with her, he has her in hysterics more than once and her laugh is so adorable and contagious I can't help but bust up laughing myself.

I can't stop myself thinking about how this is the Sam I fell in love with and my heart aches a little to spend time with him this way, despite how much fun it is. I think it's because I know it isn't going to happen again. And even though he's making me remember all the reasons why I loved him so much - why I still do – I don't think I've ever been surer of how much I want to be with Santana.

Maybe this is what she meant when she said we needed closure.

We manage to play three and a half games before there's another knock at the door. I get up to answer it with a grin on my face but it fades when I see Santana standing there.

I didn't realize how much time had passed.

She opens her mouth to say something but stops when she hears Katie giggling from behind me where she's still playing with Sam.

Santana looks over my shoulder with a smile but then it drops like a dead-weight. I don't think I can describe the expression on her face when she looks back at me. All I know is it gives me the same feeling you get when you do something wrong and your parents don't yell at you, they just tell you that they're disappointed. That sinking, burrowing sensation in the pit of your stomach that you would do anything to put right.

My mouth opens and closes like a guppy and I shake my head but I'm not sure why. And then Santana's gone, walking away back down the hall.

I suddenly find it really hard to breathe and I can feel my heartbeat in my ears. I slip out of the door and close it quietly behind me before chasing her down the hall. "Santana, wait!" I call out as I catch up to her at the top of the stairs and put my hand on her shoulder.

She turns around but looks at the floor instead of me and folds her arms tightly across her chest, like she's worried if she lets go everything will fall out of her.

"You know what? I knew… I _knew_ this would happen." She sounds like she's trying to be angry but it just comes out sad and shaky and if it's possible my chest gets even tighter.

"Knew what would happen?" I ask. My voice sounds choked and strangled and I think it's because I'm panicking.

She shakes her head. "That you would…" she stops and sighs, "Never mind," she turns to walk away again but I put my hands on her shoulders to stop her.

"He just came over to pick up his stuff," I tell her.

"I could hear you all laughing from outside the door, Brittany. It didn't look like he was going anywhere anytime soon…"

I shake my head because she's got this all wrong. "No, Katie misses him a lot. She asked him to play _Go Fish_ with her. How was I supposed to say no?"

"Um, pretty easily, actually," she snaps.

"Katie would've been upset," I tell her.

She just sighs and shakes her head again and I step forwards and try to take her hands. She resists at first but eventually lets me pull them from her body and hold them between us.

"Santana," I say gently, "please don't be mad. We were just playing _Go Fish._ I don't like him that way anymore, you know that. I only like you."

She closes her eyes but apart from that her expression doesn't change. "Britt..." She whispers then pauses and lets out a heavy breath before opening her eyes again. "I'll call you later, okay?"

My heart drops at that. "You're not gonna stay?"

She shakes her head. "I just wanna be on my own for a little while."

She pulls back from me and starts walking down the stairs and I hold onto her hands until she pulls them out of reach. I want to cry as I watch her walk away but I force myself not to, it'll only upset Katie if she notices.

I scuff my shoes against the floor a couple of times before I walk back to my door.

Sam looks up at me with his brow furrowed when I go back inside my apartment. "You okay?" He asks, "Was that Santana?"

"You need to go now," is all I say back.

His eyebrows knit together even further. "What? Can't we just finish this game?"

"You need to go," I repeat.

"I haven't even got my stuff yet." It's not demanding, the way he says it, and I feel bad for being so pushy but I just want him gone right now.

"It's in that box," I tell him, pointing to the cardboard box next to the bed that I packed a few days ago. I'm so glad I did that now, so all he has to do is grab it and go.

"…Okay," he says, standing up slowly.

"No," Katie whines and tugs on his arm, "just one more game, Britt."

"No, Sam has to go now, sweetie," I say, trying to keep my voice even.

"No, it's not fair!" she wails and starts crying. Sam pulls his arm gently out of her grasp and Katie flings herself, face-down, on the couch, kicking and screaming.

I don't look at Sam as he walks over to pick up his box, or as he walks back over to the front door. All I do is nod when he says goodbye, which I barely hear over Katie's cries, and then he's gone.

I pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and pointer finger and try to organize my thoughts. I don't know whether to call Santana or not, she seemed pretty upset and I don't want her to be alone if she's sad, but she said that's what she wanted.

I don't even know _why_ she's upset. I told her I only like her and not Sam, but it was like she wasn't hearing me.

I think sometimes believing somebody when they tell you they love you is a lot harder than it should be.

Maybe Santana just needs to think about things for a little while before she can believe me.

**Saturday, May 26th** **2012**

"You okay?" Santana whispers. I think she whispers so that Katie doesn't hear, or maybe because we've been quiet since we first got in the car and if she'd spoken normally it would have seemed super loud. I turn around to check that Katie's still distracted with her Nintendo DS in the back seat before I answer.

"I'm kinda nervous," I whisper back.

Santana glances away from the road to give me a quick, sweet smile. "Shouldn't I be the one who's nervous? I'm about to be judged…" She pulls a fake scared face and I stifle a giggle.

"They won't judge you," I tell her, "they'll like you."

"Then why are you so nervous?" she asks with a smirk.

I shrug my shoulders. "I dunno; I know they've all known for a while, but… this is the first time I'll be hanging out with everybody with everything out in the open. I don't know how I'm supposed to act."

Santana breathes out a laugh. "You don't have to _act_ any way, Britt. It's not like anybody's going to bring it up." She gestures towards the back seat with her head and I nod.

I told Tina to make sure nobody says anything in front of Katie tonight. I do plan on telling her one day about me and Santana, but right now I don't want to risk unsettling her; not with our Mom still missing in action. And the fact that Santana is her teacher makes it a whole lot more complicated.

"Hey, you might know Mike," I tell Santana, just for something to say, "he went to West Lima High, but I think he would've been a senior when you were a freshman."

"Maybe," she says, glancing at me quickly again, "did he play football?"

"Uh-huh."

She gulps loudly and I swear she gets a little paler. "And his name's Mike? What does he look like?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I dunno, tall and Asian. Actually you probably won't know him, I asked him once if he knew Quinn and he said he didn't."

She nods gently and gets the same look on her face I think I get when I'm trying to figure out a math problem before she speaks again. "If he was a senior when I was a freshman we probably don't need to worry."

I feel my eyebrows knit together. "Worry about what?"

She shakes her head and waves her hand dismissively before placing it back on the steering wheel. "Nothing, it doesn't matter. Um, so are you okay?"

I shrug my shoulders again. "I guess."

"Look," she sighs, "if you just act like it's not a big deal then everybody else will do the same, trust me." She winks at me and I feel my face go red and turn away from her to try and hide it.

I hear Santana giggling and when I turn back she's shaking her head and smiling. "Shut up," I mumble.

"You need to stop being so cute, Britt, it's not fair," she whispers.

If it's possible my face gets even hotter.

/

Santana was right about people not making a big deal out of things. When we got to the party I didn't even have to introduce her to anybody, they all already knew who she was. Some of my friends even hugged her; I don't think she liked that very much, but it was a huge relief for me. It also turns out she and Mike don't know each other, Santana seemed relieved about that for some reason.

After we gave Mike his present and Katie ran off to play in the back yard with Mike's cousin's kids, we stood around making small talk in the kitchen with a few people for a little while before Tina brought us some burgers from the barbeque outside and took us into the living room.

Now I'm sandwiched on the couch in between my friend Jesse and his new girlfriend Harmony, watching Santana talk to Tina on the other couch opposite us. I can't hear what they're saying but they keep on laughing so I assume they're getting along okay.

Tina's Mom keeps on coming in and offering everybody drinks and I see Tina roll her eyes from a across the room every, single time. It makes me laugh and I'm pretty sure Harmony thinks I'm crazy because it looks like I keep giggling at nothing.

After a little while Artie wheels over to us in his chair from where he was sitting next to Tina and Santana's couch, probably because they weren't paying much attention to him.

I think it's super cool that Tina is still friends with her ex-boyfriend, I don't think I'm friends with any of my exes. Then again; apart from Sam and Santana I don't think I've ever had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of weeks.

"So, Santana seems cool," says Artie as soon as he's close enough. He's grinning at me and I can't help but smile back.

"She sure is," I reply. "So you guys like her?" I'm not even sure why I ask, there's no way they couldn't like her. I guess it's because I'm still a little nervous.

"Hey, she actually lets you hang out with us, so she's alright by me," Jesse says beside me.

"Truth," says Artie, nodding.

I ignore the fact that that's a subtle jibe at Sam and just let myself feel happy about how well this is going.

I'm about to speak again but Katie comes thundering into the room with Mike's cousin's kids, all screaming and giggling. They all stop right in front of me, panting and with flushed faces. "Britt-Britt, Chloe and Martin's Dad is getting ice cream, can I have some, _please?_ " She drags out the last word and bounces up and down on the balls of her feet.

"Did you eat your hot dog?" I ask her.

She nods quickly. "Yeah I ate all of it."

"Okay, you can have some ice cream," I tell her.

"Yay!" she shrieks, bouncing up and down, and then she turns on her heels and they all run out of the room again, sounding like a herd of baby elephants. Martin is a little smaller than Katie and Chloe and he struggles to keep up with them and tries to cling to the backs of their dresses so that they don't leave him behind. It's really adorable and I can't help giggling.

"She's like a proper little kid now," says Jesse, "I still think of her as a baby."

"Yeah I do that too sometimes," I tell him.

(I actually do it all the time.)

I must have been staring at the door for quite a while after they leave because I don't notice when Tina appears in front of me.

She taps me on the shoulder. "Come upstairs with me," she says.

I nod and stand up and set my orange juice down on the coffee table. I glance over at Santana because I don't want to leave her on her own, but my friend, Joe, is already sitting in the seat that Tina left vacant.

She's already looking back at me when I look at her and she's smiling, it's a tiny smile but it makes her eyes look so warm and sparkly. She makes me feel so completely focused on her sometimes when we look at each other that it's almost like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I don't know how she does that, but I like it.

"Ugh, come on lovebird," Tina says, snapping me out of my daze. She grabs my arm and yanks me out of the room.

We end up going upstairs because Tina says she wants to show me something. It's empty up there because everyone from the party is either downstairs or in the back yard.

She takes me into the baby's room, it's the first time I've seen it since they actually started turning it into a nursery and I grin really big because it looks so beautiful, just like the rest of their house.

"When did you get all this stuff?" I ask, taking in everything around me. The room looks finished but Tina and I hardly bought anything when we went shopping last week.

"Mike and I went shopping On Thursday," she says, "I had a talk with him, he says he's gonna try and cut down his hours at work, and then we went baby shopping together."

I feel a little lighter at hearing that, I've been worrying about Tina all week. I think I've texted her pretty much every day.

"Look," she says, reaching into the bassinet and pulling out a small, knitted, blue teddy bear, "what d'ya think?" she asks, handing it to me.

"I like it, it's cute," I say, turning it over in my hands a few times before handing it back to her.

She nods and places it back in the bassinet. "So, what are you gonna do after college?" I ask her. I've been meaning to ask for a while, I just keep forgetting.

"What d'you mean?"

"Well, like, you're graduating in a couple of weeks, are you gonna get a job? Or be, like, a stay-at-home Mom or something?"

She shrugs. "I haven't decided yet," she says, "Mike earns enough so that I don't have to work, so, I guess I'll see how I feel after the baby's born."

"Cool," I nod.

We're silent for few long moments after that. I think we both know the other question I want to ask and I'm a little surprised when Tina lets me off the hook and doesn't make me actually ask it.

"She's great," she says.

I feel a grin fall over my lips and my shoulders relax. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I like her," she tells me.

I feel my smile soften a little. "Good, I really wanted you to," I say.

She nods and waits a few seconds before saying anything else. "And she's hot."

I snort out a laugh and feel my face start burning. "I'm glad you think so, I'll be sure to tell her," I joke.

Tina giggles and playfully shoves me. "Don't you dare, I was kidding," she says.

We hear footsteps coming up the stairs then and we both compose ourselves quickly. Tina's Mom pokes her head through the door before coming into the room completely.

"Hey girls," she says through a sweet smile, "I'm gonna have to head out now, honey," she says to Tina before pulling her into a hug, "I have to work early tomorrow."

"Okay," Tina mumbles into her shoulder as she hugs her back.

Tina's Mom pulls me into a hug right too right after, I hold my breath while she does because she always wears really strong perfume and it's probably more polite to hold my breath than accidently choke on it.

"We need to talk," she says sternly to me as she pulls away. I feel my heart skip beat and my eyes go wide, but I don't think she sees because she's already turned around and started walking out of the room.

"Does she know?" I whisper loudly to Tina once I'm sure she's gone.

Tina shakes her head. "No, I think she's talking about the baby shower."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"God, don't look so worried, Britt," Tina says, "My Mom won't care." She shrugs like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Maybe it is.

/

I don't manage to get a seat next to Santana or even talk to her again until a few hours later when the party is winding down a little and a few people have left.

We have to sit really close together because Joe is still on the couch with us, but it's not like I mind having an excuse to be super close to her.

Katie and Mike's cousin's kids are all huddled up together, asleep, on the other couch, Mike and Tina share the armchair and everybody else is standing around in the living room or the kitchen, talking and laughing with one another.

Santana has her head resting on my shoulder and a few minutes ago she even linked her fingers through mine and now our hands a clasped tightly together and resting on her lap.

I actually have butterflies in my tummy because of it and I feel a little silly. It's just, I never really know what's okay with Santana. Like this time when we went to the park for a picnic she held my hand and even pecked me on the lips, but when we go to the mall she _never_ lets me hold her hand, or when we go grocery shopping. I feel like there's some list of rules somewhere that I haven't been shown or something, so now I just always wait for Santana to hold my hand first.

After a little while Santana's phone starts buzzing in her pocket and she has to let go of my hand to pull it out. She sighs when she looks at the screen and turns to me quickly. "It's my Mom," she whispers, "I'm gonna go outside, okay?"

I nod but she's already gone.

Tina decides to take the opportunity to drape herself across mine and Joe's laps after Santana leaves and then the three of us and Mike end up laughing until our stomachs hurt because she can't get up again.

"Come on fatty, get off!" Joe chuckles, pretending to try and push her off of us.

Mike ends up having to help her up but it takes him a good couple of minutes because he's laughing so much that his arms are weak.

It's not until she finally manages to get up and back onto her armchair and we all calm down a little I start getting worried about Santana. She's been gone longer than a normal phone call should take and I probably wouldn't be so worried if she was talking to somebody other than her Mom.

I know the way she left things with her Mom bothers her a lot, even if she pretends like it doesn't. And she can tell me as many times as she likes that she chooses me over her Mom, but I know if it really came to that, it wouldn't be that simple.

She puts on a brave face for me and I wish she wouldn't because nobody should feel like they have to be strong and tough all the time.

I tell Tina I'm going to go find her before I get up off of the couch and leave the three of them giggling behind me.

I weave my way past everybody in the kitchen and close the door behind me as I step out into the back yard.

It's empty now apart from Santana. She's standing beside the pool and she's not on the phone anymore, she has her arms crossed over her chest and is staring at the water.

The lights at the bottom of the pool and the garden lamps placed sporadically around the lawn make it look really pretty our here at night. And the way the music is a little quieter now that I'm outside with the door shut makes it seem almost romantic.

_Happiness, coming and going_

_I watch you look at me, watch my fever growing, I know_

I step off of the decking and move towards her and I think she must hear my footsteps because she turns to look at me. She smiles a warm smile, but it looks like it's taking up all of her energy doing it. She looks so pretty next to the pool, I like the way the reflection of the blue ripples play across her face.

"I like this song," I say. I'm not going to ask her if she's okay, I only want her to tell me things if she wants to tell me them. I just really want her to know that I'm here and she doesn't have to always be strong around me. I want her to know that without me having to say it because she'll just think I'm being silly if I tell that to her.

The thing is, I've trusted Santana implicitly pretty much from the word go and have no trouble leaning on her if I need to, but I don't think she's quite there with me yet. I want her to be, so badly, but I think it's scarier for her.

"Who is it?" she asks.

"Some British band that Tina likes," I shrug as I step closer to her.

She nods silently.

I reach for her hand and slowly pull her closer, closing the space between us. Then I lift our joined hands together above our heads and her brow furrows a little as I gently twirl her around. Once we're face-to-face again I reach for her other hand and place it on my hip before holding onto her shoulder and pulling our clasped hands against my chest.

"What are you doing?" She asks as I gently rock us from side to side.

"Dancing with you," I tell her.

She shakes her head. "You are such a dork," she whispers, fighting her grin and resting our foreheads together.

"I know," I reply and move to lean my cheek against her shoulder, turning my face into the crook of her neck.

_I hope you understand_

_I hope you understand_

"We've never danced together before," I say.

"Mm-hmm," she replies softly and I feel her grip on my hand tighten.

By the time the song finishes we're not really dancing anymore, more like hugging. Santana pulls back and gives me a tiny smile before leaning in and giving me a sweet kiss.

"We should probably get Katie home," I tell her, "long day tomorrow."

She nods. "Is she still asleep?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay," she says, moving her hand so that her fingers are linked through mine and leading me towards the back door, "let's go."

Even more people have left by the time we get back inside and Tina and Mike don't seem all that surprised when we tell them we're going.

As I scoop Katie up from the couch Tina ducks her head close to mine and whispers, "I saw you - very cute."

I bump her with my hip and glare at her when I stand up straight again but she just giggles at me.

Our goodbye is a little rushed because Katie is getting heavy now and I kind of want to get out to the car quickly.

Tina and Mike both hug Santana, I'm a little surprised when Tina does because she isn't really a hugger and Santana isn't either, but I'm definitely not complaining.

/

Katie stays asleep the whole way home thankfully. I scoop her up out of the back seat when we get back to my building and Santana carries my purse and Katie's _Hello Kitty_ backpack, which she insists on taking everywhere, up the stairs for me.

I put Katie in my bed once we get inside my apartment and pull her shoes off before covering her over with the comforter.

Santana sets the bags down on the coffee table and then I walk with her to the door. She snakes her arms around my waist and I slide mine around her shoulders and she smiles at me.

"Your friends are nice," she hushes, so as not to wake up Katie, "they're very… friendly," she smirks.

"Yeah, Tina liked you," I tell her, unable to supress my grin.

"Yeah? She's cool; she cares about you a lot."

I nod and then we're silent for a few seconds before I remember to tell her. "Oh, and she thinks you're hot."

Santana snorts out a laugh and I try to stifle my giggle, if it wasn't dark in here I would probably be able to see Santana blushing. "Well, duh…" is all she says in response once we've stopped laughing. She leans in to kiss me then and my smile fades immediately.

The kiss is slow and sweet at first and then Santana brings one hand up to cup my cheek before threading her fingers through my hair and making it deeper.

She pulls me closer with the hand that's still on my hip and my heart flutters and pushes against my rib cage like it's trying to get out.

Her lips are sweet and spicy like her lip gloss and her tongue tastes like the cranberry juice she's been drinking all night. I swear I would kiss her forever if I could.

When she pulls away I unconsciously follow her, trying to keep our lips connected. I open my eyes when she strokes my cheek with the backs of her knuckles, half expecting her to be smirking at me, but she's not; her smile is warm and sweet like her eyes.

"I'll see you in the morning," she whispers.

"Uh-huh," is all I manage to stutter out in response.

She leans in to kiss me one last time on the cheek before pulling away from me completely and slipping out of the door.

I lean up against it after I close it behind her, feeling a little cold where her body isn't pressed up against mine anymore.

I stay that way, leaning against the door and smiling at nothing, for a good few minutes before I finally force myself to move and get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> youtube watch?v=GTp1QMUGCiE - that's the song they dance to in case you were bovvered :)


	5. Things that matter and things that don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a few people were confused about the flashback in the last chapter so I'll make sure all flashbacks are in italics from now on. I hope you like chapter five :)

**Sunday, May 27th** **2012**

"Britt-Britt?"

"Ung, wha-?" I groan.

"Britt-Britt, wake up!"

I'm about to roll over and bury my face in my pillow when my body starts jerking up and down uncontrollably. I rub at my eyes with my fists before cracking them open and squinting up at Katie, who is now jumping up and down next to me on the mattress, a pleased grin on her face. I can't help giggling even though I'm still really tired and a little disoriented.

I sit up and Katie stops jumping and drops down next to me, obviously satisfied that I'm not going to go back to sleep. When I've finally blinked the room into focus I remember that I let Katie sleep in my bed last night and I'm on the air mattress on the floor and the way my neck feels so stiff suddenly makes sense.

I reach for my phone which is on the floor next to the mattress to check the time and realize it's only a few minutes until my alarm was due to go off anyway.

"D'you want a shower or breakfast first?" I ask Katie groggily as I wrap my arms around her and pull her into a sideways bear hug.

"Um…" she deliberates for a second before answering, "Breakfast."

"Okay, what did you want?" I ask. I stand up with a groan and pull Katie with me.

"Lucky charms!" She grins.

I smile back and we walk into the kitchen, hand-in-hand.

One of the cool things about having Katie stay over is that I get to eat all the foods I liked when I was a kid and not feel stupid about it. I pour us each a bowl of Lucky Charms and a glass of chocolate milk and we sit at the kitchen table.

I know Richard makes her eat pretty healthily so I figure eating junk food with me every other weekend won't do her any harm.

"So, you looking forward to the aquarium?" I ask as I take a seat opposite her.

She nods and swallows her mouthful of cereal before answering. "Uh-huh, we're leaving right after breakfast, right?"

I breathe out a laugh and shake my head. "Santana's gonna pick us up in a couple of hours, sweetie. Unless you wanna go out in our pajamas…?" I wink at her and she giggles. "Plus you need a shower, stinky."

She giggles again through a dramatic gasp. "I'm not stinky!"

"Oh, you totally are, I can smell you from here!"

I laugh as she tries to contain her own giggles while she swallows another mouthful of Lucky Charms, and when she ends up dribbling some of her milk back into her bowl instead of swallowing it I laugh even harder.

"Ew, gross!" I say.

"It's your fault, Brittany!" she replies, fighting her grin and wiping her mouth on her sleeve.

"Okay, okay," I hold my hands up as if I'm surrendering, "let's just eat, we can goof off later."

She nods as she digs her spoon into her cereal again, her face all flushed from laughing. We eat in silence for a few minutes after that. I'm almost finished my breakfast and Katie is halfway through hers when she speaks again.

"Britt-Britt?" she says, a little timidly for her.

"Mm-hmm…" I mumble and look up at her. She's dropped her spoon now and is focused entirely on me.

"Are you and Miss Lopez going to get married?" she asks.

I inhale so sharply that I choke on the cereal I had in my mouth. It makes me splutter and cough and my vision goes blurry as my eyes fill with hot tears. I reach blindly for my glass of chocolate milk and take a huge gulp to try and wash it down.

I hear Katie's footsteps padding around the table towards me before I get a chance to open my eyes again and then I feel her pat me on the back, over and over. "Are you okay?" she asks.

I nod and clear my throat and open my eyes to look at her. "Yeah, I'm okay, sweetie. You can sit down."

She nods and returns to her seat but doesn't pick up her spoon and start eating again. I feel my heart begin racing at a million miles a minute once I'm composed enough to remember what she just asked me.

"What makes you ask that, Katie-kins?" I ask, trying to keep my voice even and casual.

She shrugs her shoulders. "Well, Ryan and Uncle Dustin are getting married. And Kyle in my class has two Dads and he said sometimes two boys can marry each other and sometimes two girls can marry each other."

"Okay," I nod and clear my throat again, "well, he's right, they can." I fidget in my seat and hope that Katie doesn't catch on to how uncomfortable I am.

"And last night I saw you and Miss Lopez doing boyfriend-girlfriend kissing," she says.

I feel my body freeze and get really, really hot at the same time. When the _hell_ did she see that? We're always so careful; we didn't even hold hands at the party yesterday until Katie was asleep.

"W-when did you see that, sweetie?" I stutter.

"Last night… by the door when we got home," she shrugs again and picks up her spoon.

I close my eyes and shake my head; she must have woken up after I put her in bed. That was really stupid; we should have at least gone outside the door to kiss. I could kick myself right now.

"So are you?" Katie asks before shovelling more cereal into her mouth.

"Huh?"

"Are you and Miss Lopez getting married?"

"Oh, uh, no… of course not…"

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"Um," I gulp and nod tentatively, "yeah, she is. Is that okay?" I hold my breath as I wait for her answer.

She shrugs again. "Yeah. If you do get married can I be a bridesmaid?"

I breathe out a laugh and I don't know if it's because I'm relieved or because she sounded so cute when she said that. "Sure you can," I tell her.

"Will you both wear dresses if you get married?" she asks around another mouthful of Lucky Charms.

"Um, I'm not sure. I guess…"

"What will the man who gets you married say? 'Cause if he says _you may kiss the bride_ you won't know who he means and you might bump heads…"

I let out another silent laugh. "I dunno, sweetie. We don't have to worry about stuff like that yet, okay?"

"Okay," she mumbles and nods.

"Uh, Katie?"

"Yeah?"

I hesitate because I feel really bad, asking what I'm about to ask. But, hopefully, at least it won't be for long. "Me and Santana… that has to be a secret for a little while, okay? Like, you can't tell Daddy or Ryan… or your friends at school, is that okay?"

Her eyebrows knit together. "Why not?"

"It's just for a little while, honey. We can tell them soon, but it just has to be a secret for now. Can you keep it a secret for me?" I know I avoided the _why_ part of that question; it's probably too complicated to explain to eight-year-old. Plus I don't think I'm all that sure of the _why_ part myself anymore.

She grins and makes a zipping motion with her fingers across her lips and I give her a grateful smile back.

Once we finish our breakfast I put Katie in the shower and tidy up the apartment a little before getting her out and fixing her hair and then jumping in the shower myself while Katie watches cartoons.

I pack up Katie's bags once I'm dressed because we've already decided we're going to drop Katie off at Richard's on the way home since we have to drive right past it anyway. I want to be ready when Santana gets here because it'll take a couple of hours to get to the aquarium in Columbus and I want us to have time to get around the whole place and see everything.

She arrives at ten o'clock exactly, just like she said she would, with two coffees and juice box for Katie.

Her brow furrows as soon as I open the door and she sees my face; I thought I was doing a good job of not looking worried, but obviously not.

"You okay?" she asks quietly.

I look behind me to check that Katie is busy putting her Nintendo and a couple of books into her _Hello Kitty_ backpack before I turn back to answer. "She knows," I whisper.

Santana's eyes go wide. "About us?" she mouths.

I nod and duck my head closer to hers. "She saw us kissing last night."

" _Shit_ ," she whispers as I pull back. Her eyes are still wide so I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.

"It's okay; I'm just… telling you." Maybe I shouldn't have told her like that, but I can just imagine Katie letting it slip while we're driving and Santana veering her car off the interstate in a state of shock.

I did almost choke on my Lucky Charms when she said it to me.

Santana doesn't look convinced that it _is_ okay but she nods anyway. I ask Katie if she's ready to go and she replies, "Yes," and walks over to us. I can't help but notice that Santana looks a little unsure of herself, like she expects Katie to act different around her, somehow. I see her shoulders visibly relax when Katie just takes the juice box from her and says a polite _thank you_ before leading the way out of the apartment. I'm pretty sure she's so eager to get to the aquarium she's probably forgotten about our conversation at breakfast anyway.

/

It takes a little longer than I thought it would to get the aquarium; I didn't think there would be so much traffic on a Sunday, plus we have to stop at a couple of gas stations so that Katie can use the bathroom.

We arrive in Columbus just after twelve and pull into the aquarium parking lot about twenty minutes later.

We ask Katie if she wants to get something to eat before we start looking around but she says _no_ and practically drags us inside.

I pay for our tickets while Katie talks the girl behind the counter's ear off about how she watched shark week on the discovery channel so she knows how to fight off a shark if they manage to somehow break through the glass. The girl is grinning by the time we're done and I'm so glad Katie seems to be finding her voice again; she got really shy for a while right after our Mom left.

We look at the turtles first. Katie takes both mine and Santana's hands and walks in between us; I think Santana is glad to have an excuse not to walk right next to me because she's been avoiding being close to me ever since we got out of the car. I think it's because of what I told her back at the apartment.

We watch them swim around for a little while but Katie gets bored of them pretty quickly so we move on to the next tank which has a huge octopus in it.

I've always found octopuses kind of creepy and I think Katie might have inherited it because her hand keeps on tightening in mine every time it swims up close to the glass.

I see Santana looking at me with an amused smirk on her face out of the corner of my eye and when I turn my face to look at her properly her smile gets bigger. "You okay?" she asks, "You look a little pale."

"I don't like sea monsters," I whisper back over the top of Katie's head, hoping she doesn't hear me. Santana lets out a quiet giggle.

"Where are the sharks?" Katie asks.

Santana pulls the map of the aquarium she got while we were buying our tickets out of her purse and studies it for a moment before answering. "The next tank is tropical fish and then dolphins and then sharks."

"Let's go see the fish!" Katie says, bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet and shaking mine and Santana's arms around.

She pulls us into the next room which is like a transparent tunnel that's made out of the tropical fish tank. They swim all around us and over our heads, all brightly-colored and graceful, and Katie looks around her in awe.

She presses her face up against the tank where an angelfish is swimming really close to the glass, weaving in and out of the reeds and the other fish, almost like it's showing off.

Katie gasps all-of-a-sudden and presses her pointer finger against the glass. "That one's like Nemo!" She says, pointing to a clownfish that's just drifted into view.

"Uh-huh," I agree, because it totally does.

I turn back to Santana then, who's standing behind us with a sweet smile on her face. I smile back at her for a moment while I try and remember what I was going to say. I guess it can't have been that important if her smile distracted me and made me forget, in the end she speaks first anyway.

"The sea lion show is at two," she says, "we should probably get going if we wanna see the dolphins and the sharks and grab something to eat before then."

"Okay," I nod and turn back to Katie, "d'ya wanna go see the dolphins?"

She prises herself away from the glass and looks at me with a smile. "Uh-huh," she nods and takes my hand.

The dolphin tank is another underground one, except it's not a tunnel like the tropical fish tank, more like a giant window. There's a crowd around a man with a microphone who's reeling off facts about the three bottlenose dolphins darting playfully from one end of the tank to the other behind him.

We stop at the back of the group of people and I have to lift Katie up onto my shoulders so that she can see properly. "They look like they're playing _kiss chase_!" She giggles.

"Maybe they are," says Santana from beside me and she shoots me a quick smile.

By the time the talk is over I'm kind of glad because my shoulders are really starting to ache. I forget sometimes how big Katie is getting now. Santana helps her down and then we head towards the shark tank where another biologist is giving a talk.

When we get in there he's just informing everybody about the feeding at three o'clock which people are welcome to come back and watch.

We end up not staying in there long in the end because it turns out Katie doesn't like it very much. I try to convince her to stay a little longer because the sharks are what she's been excited about all day, but every time one of them comes into view she starts whimpering and clutching at my shirt. I guess they do look kind of scary up close.

Santana gives me a resigned shrug when I look at her so we decide to go to the aquarium restaurant to get some food. It's probably for the best, really, at least we won't have to rush with our food now so that we're not late for the sea lions.

The restaurant is kind of cool, at least for kids, I know I would have loved it here when I was little. It's ocean-themed, obviously, and there's a play area for kids with a ball pit and slides and stuff.

Katie pretty much inhales her food so that she has time to go and play with the little boy at the table next to ours before we have to leave. I tell her to make sure she stays where I can see her and I keep glancing up to check if she's okay until Santana puts her hand on my arm and gives me an exasperated look, as if I'm being silly. I guess I am a little bit.

"So are you going to tell me what happened this morning?" she asks. "I don't think I can stand waiting for you to tell me any longer." She smiles like it's a joke but I don't think it really is.

"I pretty much told you everything," I tell her. I notice she takes her hand away as soon as I start talking, like she only put it there to get my attention. "She saw us kissing and now she knows we're together," I shrug.

"Right…" she purses her lips and I can practically see the cogs turning in her head before she speaks again. "And she was okay with it?"

"Totally," I nod before popping one of my fries into my mouth.

"What if she tells somebody?"

"Well, I asked her not to, and she said she wouldn't," I say.

"Yeah, but, she's eight. You can't really trust an eight-year-old to keep a secret like this…"

"I know that," I mumble, "but we can't _force_ her to keep it a secret if she doesn't want to, that's not right."

"So… if she tells her Dad, or somebody at school, then what?"

I shrug again. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess."

Santana leans back in her seat and lets out a sigh. I think she agrees with me, she just doesn't want to. "Hey," I say, and shoot her a playful smile. "There is one good thing about it."

She looks back at me again, a tiny smile tugging at her lips. "And what's that?"

"You can hold my hand," I say and wiggle my fingers in front of her on the table top.

The smile drops from her face then and she fidgets in her seat a little. "Now?"

"Yeah," I nod, "I mean, Katie knows now so, we don't have to hide."

I watch as she shifts in her seat again and her eyes dart around the room quickly before settling back on me again. "Not here, Britt," she says with an apologetic frown on her face.

I feel my heart sink a little; I guess I _still_ can't seem to get a hang of the rules. "Why not?" I mumble.

She leans forward in her seat so that her face is closer to mine and she can speak quieter. "Look around, can you see anybody else here like us? They're all single Moms or happy families." She rolls her eyes as she pulls away and there's something unreadable in her face, almost like the look she gets when her Mom calls, but maybe not as intense.

"They won't mind," I tell her. Why would they? It's just holding hands, and they don't even know us.

"Some of them might," she mutters before taking a sip of coffee. When she puts the cup back down she looks at me again and her expression softens are little. "Look," she hushes, "people can be assholes, Britt. I know it's not right, but, it's just the way it is," she shrugs.

"Well, I don't care what they think. I just want to hold your hand," I tell her. I tell myself in my head that's the last thing I'm going to say about it because I don't want to make her uncomfortable or make a big deal out of something silly. It just hurts way more than it seems like it should.

"Says the girl who was still _very_ much in the closet a few months ago."

Something jolts in me when she says that, I think more at the way she said it than what she actually said. I think she must notice because she sighs and leans towards me again. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean it like that." She lets out a heavy breath and then her voice gets really soft. "Why is this so important to you now?"

I shrug and shake my head. "It's not, I guess," I shrug. "I just really like holding hands with you; I like how it makes me feel. And I just don't see why we shouldn't, but, I only want to if you want to." I try to smile at her and she smiles back, a soft warm smile that seems to make everything else disappear. She reaches out then and gently takes my hand, linking her fingers through mine so that they're clasped together on top of the table. It makes me smile so big but I don't even care how dorky I probably look.

"Of course I want to, dopey," she says and playfully bats my arm with her free hand. "Look, if somebody comes up and says something mean or ignorant to me, I don't like it, but I can take it, you know? But if they did it to you…" she shakes her head and I don't think she really knows the end to that sentence so I don't make her try to come up with one.

"They won't, nobody's even looking," I tell her and she nods reluctantly.

/

The sea lion show turns out to be one of the most awesome things I've been to in a really long time. I'm not sure if it's because Santana is still holding my hand, or because Katie gets so adorably excited over every trick, or just because the show itself is really good, but I love every second of it.

It's outdoors, which is nice because it's pretty warm today, and we manage to get seats right near the front so we get splashed a few times which Katie finds hilarious, (Santana doesn't like that part so much) and Katie even gets to go up to the front with a bunch of other kids to help feed the sea lions.

When it's over we walk around the aquarium some more to look at the rest of the tanks. We see sting rays and really pretty jellyfish but Katie says she likes the seahorses best. We even try to get her to go back to the shark tank by telling her that the sharks would have been fed at three so they definitely won't try to eat her, but she still says _no_.

I'm not going to lie, I really just wanted to go back for me I think; sharks are my favorite.

We take Katie to the gift shop before we leave and let her pick out a dolphin plush toy before traipsing back to the parking lot.

I'm not sure if it is, but it seems a lot quicker getting home than it didn't getting there. Maybe because there's less traffic now and also because Santana seems a lot more relaxed and is actually talking to me.

Katie falls asleep in the car like she did yesterday and I kind of hope she doesn't grow out of that; I think most kids do it and it'll feel like a sign of her growing up if she stops.

I have to wake her up once we get to Richard's place because I have to carry her bags and I don't have enough arms to carry Katie too. Santana offers to carry the bags for me before I get out of the car but I know she doesn't really want to come to the door with me so I tell her it's okay.

Katie practically collapses into Richard's arms when he opens the door; I can't blame her for being tired, she has had a busy couple of days. He chuckles and scoops her up into a hug and she starts sleepily repeating all the things she heard the biologist at the aquarium say about the bottlenose dolphins while holding her toy out for him to see without even bothering to say _hello_ first.

I place her bags down in the doorway and then Richard pulls me into a one-armed hug and Katie thanks me before I say goodbye to them both.

Santana holds my hand over the center console once I get back in the car and keeps holding it the whole way home. I'm not sure if she does it because of the conversation we had earlier or because we're alone now but either way it makes me feel stupidly happy. We're both a little tired, I think, so we don't really talk until we get back to my apartment, and even then it's Santana just mumbling that she's going to put her pajamas on.

It's not really late enough to go to bed but I guess if we're not going anywhere I may as well put mine on too. I go into the bathroom to change so that I can take my makeup off as well and by the time I get out Santana is already sprawled out on my bed, on top of the covers, in shorts and a tank top.

She sits up when I walk into the room and scoots so that she's sitting on the edge of the bed before reaching for the hem of my tee shirt and pulling me close to her. I smile and play with her hair as she wraps her arms around my waist and snuggles her face against my tummy.

"What are you doing?" I giggle as she starts nuzzling into me, it tickles a little and I can't help but squirm.

"Nothing," she says slyly as she draws back a little and starts pushing my tee shirt up my belly, bunching up the material just under my chest and leaning in to place gentle kisses on my tummy.

It makes my body start buzzing a little and I squirm again and push against Santana's shoulders so that she's flat against the bed before climbing on top of her and pinning her arms down. I really wanted to talk to her about some things and I don't want her kisses to distract me. She raises her eyebrows at me and smirks before leaning up to kiss me on the lips and I let her for a moment because how can I not? Then I pull away again, a little breathless.

"I wanted to talk to you," I tell her.

She knits her eyebrows together playfully. "Right now?"

I nod. "Yeah, I- I wanted to ask you something."

Her face softens a little. "Okay, what is it?"

I roll off of her and move so that I'm lying at the top of the bed with my head on the pillow and Santana follows and lies down next to me. We roll so that we're facing each other and Santana slides her hand over my hip and up my back gently before weaving her fingers through my hair at the back of my head, raking her nails across my skin. I try to ignore the goose bumps it gives me and clear my throat as I figure out what I'm going to say.

"What is it?" Santana repeats, even softer than before. Her brow is creased with concern now and I give her a little smile so that she knows it's nothing bad.

"How-" I clear my throat again and try to forget how nervous I am all-of-a-sudden. "How did you know?"

Her eyebrows knit together even further. "Know what?"

"That you were… you know… that you only liked… _girls_ …" I gulp and Santana shifts uncomfortably as her hand goes still in my hair.

"Um, why d'you wanna know that, sweetie?"

"Well," I sigh, "I was thinking about what you said earlier, about me being in the closet and stuff, and, I guess I was just thinking that I don't think I ever really cared what people thought about it, you know? Like, I think I was just worried about my family and making them embarrassed because of Ryan and stuff."

"… _Okay,_ " she draws out the word like she wants me to continue and starts running her hand gently up and down my back.

"So, I… I want to tell them, my family, about us… but, I don't know what to tell them. I'm just, still not sure."

Santana's hand goes still again and her eyes search my face. "You're not sure about _us_?"

"No, no," I shake my head and cup her cheek with my hand. "I'm _totally_ sure about us, you know that. I mean _me;_ I don't know what to say to them 'causeI still don't know what I am…" I shrug because I don't really know how else to say it and I know it probably sounds stupid.

" _Britt_ ," she whispers, smiling a tiny smile, "you know I love you, right?"

"Uh-huh," I grin and look shyly away from her face.

"And you love me, right?"

I let myself look back at her eyes again. "Of course."

"Then that's all that matters," she says resolutely, "you don't have to have everything figured out before you tell them, trust me, if you wait for the perfect time then you'll never do it. Just, tell them how you feel, that's all you can do."

"But what if they ask me stuff, you know? What if they expect me to know…?"

"Well, then I guess you'll have to explain, but generally people are too polite to ask those kinds of questions."

"Really?" I feel a little spark of hope at that.

"In my experience," she shrugs.

"Okay."

She sighs again and gives me a really focused look for a moment; it makes me feel like she can't see anything but me. "It's not as important as you think it is, you know? Knowing who you are, _what_ you are, it doesn't matter. I used to think it did too, but it doesn't. You fell in love with a person and it doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. Those other things, they just don't matter, I promise you."

I feel my eyes close because, honestly, I think she just said exactly what I wanted to hear. I don't think I even knew I wanted to hear it but I did, and it's like a huge weight has been lifted somehow.

"You really think so?" I ask, opening my eyes to look at her again.

She nods. "I do."

I smile and let out a relieved breath and Santana smiles back at me. "Was that all you wanted to talk about?"

"Actually, there was one more thing," I say.

She rolls her eyes, still smiling. "And what's that?"

"Well, we finish work in a couple of weeks, right? And I was thinking about going to see my Dad."

"In Nebraska?"

"Uh-huh, how would you feel about coming with me?"

"What? To meet your Dad?"

"Yeah, you don't have to be with me when I tell him or anything, but, I really want him to meet you and who knows when I'll get to see him again?"

Her eyes dart around the room for a moment before she says anything. "Do you think he'll be okay with it?"

"I guess," I shrug, "he was okay with Ryan."

She nods and lets out a heavy breath. "Can I think about it?"

"Yeah, of course," I say, probably a little too chirpy. I don't want her to know that I'm a little disappointed at that because she has every right to want to think about it after what happened with her own parents.

We're silent for a few moments after that and then I feel Santana slip her hand under my tee shirt and her fingers slide over my back. When I look at her face she's smirking at me and I think she's trying to move us past the awkward silence that happened after our conversation.

I'm definitely not complaining.

"So can I kiss you again now?" she whispers and I grin and nod.

As soon as her lips touch mine I sigh and then thread my fingers through her hair and pull her deeper into the kiss as she presses her hand tighter against my back, pulling our bodies closer together.

I feel her slide her hand down my back then and into my shorts before squeezing my butt, and for some reason I can't stop myself from letting out a giggle. I feel her smile against my lips. "What?" she whispers.

"I dunno, sorry," I whisper back.

We carry on kissing for a few moments but when squeezes my butt again I let out another giggle. "Stop laughing, you dork!" she chuckles and pinches my side.

I flinch a little because it tickles and Santana takes the opportunity to roll me onto my back and crawl on top of me. "What's so funny?" she mumbles against my lips but doesn't give me a chance to answer before she starts kissing me again.

I smile into the kiss because I like it when she's playful like this, and that I can still be a complete dork even when we're doing sexy things and she doesn't seem to mind.

She slides her lips away from mine and across my cheek before kissing down my neck and I hum because it feels so good. I'm about to tell her how good she feels when there's a sharp knock at the door that makes Santana pull abruptly away from me.

She looks at me with a furrowed brow like she expects me to know who it is and I shrug because I don't.

I smooth my hands over my pajamas as I stand up and try, somehow, to look a little less flustered. "Tell them I'm about to have my way with you and they have to come back later," Santana mumbles from the bed and I giggle as I pad over to the door.

When I open it my smile falls and I feel like all the air gets vacuumed out of my lungs. I slap my hand to my chest and blink my eyes rapidly to make sure I'm seeing things right and when I speak my voice comes out choked and raspy.

"Mom?"


	6. Mad

I can't stop blinking. My eyes just keep on opening and closing without me telling them to and every time they open again it's like my brain expects the image in front of me to be different, somehow. I know that's stupid, but it just doesn't seem real.

It's funny how this whole time I knew she would come back, I knew it in my heart and I even argued with Ryan about it more than once, but now she's finally here I can't bring myself to believe it.

"Hi, Brittany," she says and looks down at her feet.

She sounds and looks unsure and I don't know if it's of herself or of me; she probably thinks I'm mad at her and I want to tell her that I'm not. I've never been more pleased to see somebody in my life.

"Mom," I say again, steadier than the last time, it seems to be the only word I can remember how to say, and then my body is propelling itself forward before my brain even realizes. I throw my arms around her and hug her tighter than I think I've ever hugged anybody; she even stumbles back a little from the force of it.

I feel her arms slowly wrap around my back; she hugs me a lot looser than I'm hugging her but it makes me smile so big anyway.

I can't believe she's really here.

She gives me a tentative smile back when I pull away and hold her at arm's length. "Do Richard and Katie know you're back? Have you been home yet?" I ask. "Katie's gonna be so happy."

She sighs and backs away so that my arms drop down to my sides again. "Can I come in?" she asks sheepishly. "I need to talk to you."

"Oh," I step back to make room for her to walk past me, "yeah, of course." I think I was so excited that she was here that I forgot to invite her in.

She picks up the suitcase by her feet that I didn't notice until now and steps past me into the apartment. It's only when I close the door and turn around that I notice Santana isn't in the room anymore, or remember that she's here at all. I always forget the important things when I have lots of thoughts at once like this.

She steps out of the bathroom a few seconds later as my Mom takes a seat on the couch. She's dressed in the clothes she was wearing earlier instead of her pajamas now and I feel my heart skip a beat because it probably would have looked really strange if we'd both been in here in our pajamas. I'm a little old to be having slumber parties.

Santana is so good at thinking quickly like that.

"Oh, I didn't realize you had company," says my Mom. Her eyes are wide, all-of-a-sudden, like she's panicking.

"Yeah, this is Santana, my friend from work." I tell her. I know my voice shook a little on the word _friend,_ I'm not as good at saying that as Santana, but I don't think my Mom noticed.

"Oh, you're Katie's teacher, right?"

"Uh-huh," Santana nods and then her eyes dart between my Mom on the couch and me standing like an idiot next to it a few times before she says anything else. "Well, I'd better get going," she says.

I feel my heart sink a little because I really don't want her to leave, even though I know it's the only option.

"Oh, don't leave on my account, honey," says my Mom, but Santana picks up her purse from next to the coffee table and steps towards the front door anyway.

"No, it's fine, really. I was about to leave anyway," she replies. My Mom nods and looks down at her feet and I follow Santana to the door.

I slip outside with her quickly and close the door behind me so that I can say goodbye to her properly. I grin at her but she doesn't look as happy I do, her eyes look big and worried and her lips are pressed together in a thin, tight line.

I pull her into a hug because I don't know what else to do; I think I would hug every, single person in the world right now if I could. I have that same feeling I get when I drink too much coffee or eat too much sugar, like I could stay awake forever or do anything.

"Are you gonna be okay?" she asks as I draw back. She starts running her hands up and down my arms and I nod emphatically.

"Yeah, of course," I tell her.

She nods but she still looks worried, her eyes keep flicking between my face and the door. I understand; I would probably be worried about her if her Mom just showed up out of the blue after being missing for months, but my Mom isn't like her Mom.

"Okay, I'm gonna go then. You two probably have a lot to talk about," she says.

"Uh-huh," I agree, even though we probably won't be doing that right now. We do need to talk, I know that, but tonight I just want to be happy that she's back.

She pulls me into another hug and leaves a lingering kiss on my cheek. "I'll call you later," she says, and then hesitates for a moment before she turns and walks away.

I watch her until she turns the corner onto the stairs and I can't see her anymore and then I go back inside my apartment.

My Mom is still on the couch and she looks so uncomfortable I almost can't stand it. At least she looks good, though; she's maybe a little thinner than the last time I saw her, but her clothes are nice, I think they're new. I offer to make her some tea and get her something to eat but she tells me that just tea is fine.

It's probably going to be the worst-tasting tea in the entire world because I kind of rush making it a little. I set it on the coffee table once it's done, a cup for her and a cup for me, and take a seat next to her on the couch. I feel bad because she still seems really awkward but I can't stop smiling.

"I'm so glad you're back," I tell her, "I was so worried, I called you pretty much every day."

She sighs. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I got a new phone."

I nod. "It's okay; at least I know you're okay now."

She gives me a tight-lipped smile and picks up her cup of tea to take a sip before setting it back down again. I mirror her because I don't know what to do with my hands.

"I went back to the house right before I came here," she tells me.

That's weird, she must have got there right after Santana and I left. "Really?"

"Yeah," she lets out a heavy breath and it feels like she's psyching herself up to say whatever she wants to say next. "Richard doesn't want me there, he told me to leave."

I feel my eyebrows knit together and the smile fall from my face. "What?"

"Can I stay here?" she asks and looks nervously away from my face. "It won't be for long, just 'til I can figure something out."

"O-of course!" I sputter. "But, Richard told you to _leave_?" That doesn't sound right at all, I can't imagine him doing that.

"Well, yeah, he's pretty mad, Britt. He has a right to be," she mumbles the last part.

I feel my heart sink a little at hearing that, I didn't even think about other people being mad at her, I thought they would all just be relieved like I am. "Did Katie see you?" I kind of hope she didn't now; it would have upset her if she saw them fighting.

"No, she was in bed," she tells me and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Okay, well you can stay here as long as you need to," I tell her.

She gives me another tight-lipped smile. "Thank you," she says.

We're quiet for a few moments after that, I have so many questions for her and as much as I just really want to enjoy her being back, I don't think I can hold them in. I can feel them trying to burst out of me. "Where were you?" I blurt out. I suck my lips into my mouth after and hope that she doesn't get mad about me asking.

She sighs but she doesn't get mad, she actually answers me. "Canada," she says.

I feel my brow furrow. " _Canada_?" Why the hell would she want to go to Canada? Santana said it's really cold there and my Mom hates the cold.

"I met a guy," she says.

I gulp and nod so that she'll continue even though I'm not sure I like where this is going.

"Your Step-Dad was gone and I couldn't pay any of my bills and I was all by myself with Katie, and I just… I felt like I was drowning, Britt. And then Peter came along and it just seemed like a way out; and I _know_ it was wrong, I know that. I just don't think I was thinking clearly."

I nod and reach for her hand so that she knows it's okay, she looks a little surprised but she doesn't pull it away. "And he took you to Canada?"

"Yeah," she sighs, "he said he had family and friends up there who could help get us set up and it would be like a fresh start. It just sounded really… _appealing_." She shakes her head.

"What happened?" I ask gently and squeeze her hand a little tighter.

"He turned out to be a jerk," she shrugs.

I just nod and don't press her to say anything else, even though I really would like to know more. I don't understand why it took her so long to come back if this guy was such a jerk, unless he pretended to be nice for a long time and she left as soon as she realized, maybe that's what she means.

"You were gone a really long time," I whisper. I don't really know what else to say, and that is true.

She nods and takes her hand away from mine. "I'm sorry," she mumbles.

"I just wish you would've called. We were really worried and the police cou-"

Her eyes snap up to my face and she interrupts me before I get a chance to finish. "You called the police?"

"Uh, yeah, a couple weeks after you left. We called them but they said they couldn't do anything because you left voluntarily and you weren't, like, a missing person or anything. I'm not sure exactly, Richard's the one who spoke to them."

She breathes out a laugh and shakes her head. "Nice to know he cares," she mutters.

"Of course he cares," I tell her, "he's just mad right now but he'll come around."

"I wouldn't count on it," she says, and then she looks up at my face and keeps talking before I can answer her. "How's Katie? Is she okay? How's she doing with school and stuff?"

"She's okay," I tell her, "she missed you a lot, but, she's doing really good in school now; she's reading at a fourth grade level."

"She is?" she says, surprised.

"Uh-huh, I guess she's the smart one."

She breathes out a laugh and nods. "Yeah." And then her smile fades a little. "And what about you? Were you okay? I know I should have left you some money or something, I didn't want you to struggle, I just had to leave so quickly…"

"No, we were fine," I tell her, "I promise. I had some help from a… _friend_."

She nods again. "That's good. I figured if you needed help you could go to Sam."

I feel my face fall at that. Does she think I meant Sam when I said that? I guess it would make sense, she doesn't know that we've broken up yet.

She doesn't know a lot of things.

"Hey," she says gently and reaches out to cup my cheek. "What's wrong?"

I try to enjoy the feel of her hand on my face for a moment before I answer; it's not often she does little things like that; she doesn't even really like hugging people. "N-nothing," I stutter.

"Britt? Did something happen between you and Sam?" she asks, taking her hand away from my face.

The room feels so hot, all-of-a-sudden; I'm not ready to talk to her about this yet. She's going to be so disappointed and she doesn't need that right now.

"Did you break up?" she asks tentatively when I don't say anything. I hesitate before giving her the tiniest nod and she lets out a sigh. "What happened?"

I just shrug and she nods her head like it's an actual answer. "Well don't you worry, honey, we'll get him back."

I feel my brow furrow and I shake my head. "No… I-"

"Britt, it's okay," she interrupts, "this is what guys do, they get scared and stupid and they leave, but I can help you, okay? You just gotta remind him of why you guys were so great together. I bet you just had a silly fight, right?"

I shake my head again and I don't understand why she's just assuming that it was Sam who left me. I guess maybe if I hadn't found out about him and Mercedes he might have eventually, but I'm pretty sure I was the one who broke up with him.

"No, Mom, you really don't have to…"

"Britt," she puts her hand on my cheek again, "I want to make things up to you, okay? And this is a start, at least; please let me help you." She gives me a pleading smile and I hate myself for how quickly my resolve crumbles.

"Okay," I whisper and close my eyes at what an idiot I am. I'll tell her tomorrow, definitely; maybe not about me and Santana yet, but _definitely_ that I don't want Sam back.

I stand up abruptly and smooth out my clothes without really having any reason to. "I'm… gonna go to the bathroom," I tell her.

She nods and I turn on my heels and walk away. I lock the bathroom door behind me even though there isn't really any point and pace up and down for a moment.

I can feel my heart jackhammering inside my chest and I don't know why I'm getting so worked up over one stupid little lie that I'm going to put right tomorrow.

It wasn't even a lie, really, I just didn't correct her.

I have an overwhelming urge to just be with Santana, all-of-a-sudden, and I don't even know why. I just need to hug her and kiss her and tell her that I love her. I feel like I _have_ lied to _her_ , somehow.

I don't know how I can leave to see Santana while my Mom is still here, though, it might look a little weird. Especially if I tell her where I'm going.

Maybe I can just tell her I'm staying with a friend tonight so that she can have her own space. I nod and smile at myself in the bathroom mirror because that's not a bad idea, then I stop because I feel stupid for nodding and smiling at myself.

I compose myself a little and try to stop looking so flustered before unlocking the door and stepping out into the room again.

My Mom looks up at me from the couch and smiles.

"I'm gonna go stay with a friend tonight," I tell her and then I move towards my dresser so that I can start packing an overnight bag. It's probably a little pointless to do that because I'm pretty sure I have things at Santana's, but I need something to do with my hands again.

"What, why?" My Mom asks. I hear her get up and take a few steps towards me.

"Just to give you some space to settle in tonight," I say as I start throwing random clothes onto my bed.

"No, Britt, this is your home, you don't have to do that," she says.

I crouch on the floor and groan with effort as I stretch my arm to reach the empty duffle bag I have under the bed. "It's fine, I don't mind," I reply.

"No," she closes the space between us and puts her hands on my arms as I place the bag on top of the bed and open it up. I stop and look at her face and that uncomfortable, hot feeling I got in the bathroom returns.

"I want to," I tell her, "I think it'll be good for us to both have our own space tonight."

She lets go of my arms and something like realization flashes across her face. "Oh, okay," she says. I'm not sure what exactly it was that she _realized_ but at least it made her agree. I throw my clothes into the bag and then step past my Mom so that I can get back into the bathroom.

"I was wondering when you would start getting mad," she mumbles and I stop in my tracks.

I turn back around and she turns to look at me at the same time. "No, Mom, I'm not mad," I say.

"Well you should be," she shrugs.

"Maybe, but I'm not, I promise," I tell her.

She sighs and nods and I feel a little guilty when I just turn back to the bathroom instead of saying anything else.

Once I'm packed and I've changed back out of my pajamas I leave the bathroom to find my Mom sitting on the couch again. She looks uncomfortable like she did when she first got here and I hope that she won't still feel that way after I leave.

"So, you can have my bed tonight," I tell her, "and there's food in the kitchen and you can use whatever you want in the bathroom, and the remote for the TV is on the coffee table."

She smiles and nods at me. "Okay, thanks," she says.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll come home after work."

She nods again and I make my way towards the door. "Brittany," she calls after me as I open it. I turn to look at her.

"Thank you," she says.

"You're welcome," I tell her, and then I pause for a moment, "I love you, Mom," I say, and hope that it's not too much, too soon.

"I love you too, honey," she replies.

I can't help grinning at her before I step out into the hallway and close the door behind me. It's one of those grins that makes your whole face ache and it stays with me all the way out of the building.

/

I'm not sure why, but I start feeling really nervous when I get to Santana's building. The security guy behind the desk smiles at me as I pass him to get to the elevator and I smile back. He always gave me funny looks when I first started coming here, probably because one time I was super sad and another time I was carrying a fish bowl, but I think he's used to me now.

I get butterflies in my tummy when the elevator starts moving and I'm not sure if it's _because_ I'm in an elevator or because of something else.

When I get to Santana's apartment I raise my hand to the door three times before I actually find the courage to knock. I probably should have called before I came over or a least used the intercom so that she knows it's me.

She gives me a confused smile when she answers and I smile back but mostly because I notice she's wearing her pajamas again. She always wears her pajamas as much as she can when she's at home; she says that if you weren't supposed to wear pajamas during the day then they should have made daytime clothes more comfortable.

I guess it's not really _daytime_ now though, I'm not sure what time it is exactly but it was starting to get dark out when I was walking here.

"Britt? Is everything okay?"

"Uh-huh," I nod, "can I stay here tonight?" I ask. I look down at my feet because I feel a little bad springing it on her like this, even though we had already planned to stay together tonight anyway.

I hear her breathe out a laugh. "Oh course you can, you dork," she says and then she grabs my arm and pulls me inside.

I giggle as she pulls my duffle bag off my shoulder and drops it and then she wraps her arms around me in a hug. "Are you okay? What happened?" she mumbles into my hair.

"My Mom's staying at my place, and I just wanted to see you," I tell her.

She draws back but keeps her arms around my shoulders and gives me a sad smile. "Why is she staying at your place?" she asks.

"Richard wouldn't let her go home," I say and she nods.

"Do you wanna…." She hesitates for a moment and then her expression changes, like she was going to say something but decided on something else. "D'you wanna snuggle and watch a movie?" she asks.

I grin at her and tell her, "Yes," and she lets go of me as I bend down to pick up my bag again. "I'm gonna go put my pajamas on first," I tell her.

"Okay," she replies and I turn and walk towards Santana's bedroom.

I change back into the tee shirt and shorts I had on earlier and when I go back out into the living room I find Santana's already put a DVD on and the menu screen is playing over and over. I smile when I see that it's _Drop Dead Fred_ as I sink down next to her on the couch.

"This is the first movie we watched together," I grin as she pulls the blanket off of the back of the couch and drapes it over us.

I cuddle into her side and she wraps one arm around me and uses the other to start the movie. "Yeah, it was just on top of the pile," she replies.

"Awesome, I haven't seen it since that day," I say.

"Mhmm, me neither."

We're silent after that while the opening credits play, I would probably like it but I can feel how tense Santana is. She keeps fiddling nervously with the sleeve on my tee shirt with the hand she has wrapped around my shoulders and I can feel her heart beating faster than usual. I'm about to ask her if she's okay but she speaks before I can.

"Why does your Mom have to stay with you?" she asks.

I feel my eyebrows knit together because she already asked that question when I got here. "I told you, Richard won't let her go home," I say.

"Yeah, I know, but why _you_? Isn't there somebody else she can stay with? Like, other family members or something…"

I half shrug with the shoulder that isn't pressed into her. "Well, there's her sister, I guess, or my Nana, but I don't mind her staying with me."

She sits up then and pulls her arm away from me and it makes me have to sit up too. "You don't have to feel sorry for her, you know?" she tells me, "You could have told her _no_ ; you would've had every right to do that."

I look down and start tracing my pointer finger nervously over the patterns in the sofa cushion. "I didn't say yes because I feel sorry for her; she's my Mom and she needed a place to go," I shrug.

"Are you mad at her? Did you tell her that you're mad?"

I snap my eyes up to her face because I'm not sure why she's being so pushy about this, all-of-a-sudden. It seems like she's angry with me. "A little, I guess, but I didn't tell her that, no."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't wanna mess it up!" I snap. I look back down at my hand quickly and sigh because I didn't really mean to say that. I'm not sure _what_ I meant to say.

I feel Santana wrap her fingers gently around my hand and she strokes her thumb across the back of it. "Mess what up, Britt?" she asks gently.

I shake my head and don't answer for a few seconds, not because I don't want to, just because I don't know how to explain without it seeming really petty compared to everything else that's happening.

"She never chooses me for anything," I say, "but she chose me for these two really big things; taking care of Katie and now somewhere to stay, and I'm glad she chose me," I shrug and then shake my head again. "I want her to choose me for things."

"Britt," she sighs and then she lets go of my hand and pulls me into a hug. She hugs me for ages and I like it, even when she pulls away again and takes my hands in hers I kind of don't want the hug to stop. "Did she at least tell you where she went, or why?" she asks, a little exasperated.

I nod. "She met some guy and they went to Canada."

She lets go of my hand to pinch the bridge her nose and shake her head for a second. " _Wow,_ " she mouths as she drops her hand from her face again.

"It's fine," I tell her, although I'm not really sure why I choose those exact words.

She gives me a sweet smile and then she leans forwards to kiss me, she takes my bottom lip between hers and then moves to peck my cheek before she pulls away again.

"Come on," she says, settling into the position she was in before, "let's just watch the rest of the movie," she smiles and holds her arm out so that I can cuddle into her side again and I do, happily.

/

We decide to go to bed after the movie is finished even though it's not even eleven o'clock and usually we don't go to bed until at least midnight. I think we're both pretty exhausted from our busy weekend with Katie and neither of us wants to be tired for work tomorrow.

While we're brushing our teeth I get that same uneasy feeling I got back at my apartment again. I think maybe the movie distracted me before, or mine and Santana's little _talk_ , but it's definitely back now.

I thought being here with her would make me feel better about not telling my Mom the truth, like I would be proving something, somehow, but I think I feel even worse.

I think I should just tell her, at least if she knows I won't feel like I'm lying to her too. Maybe it'll make me braver when it comes to telling my Mom tomorrow if she knows.

I wait until we've both finished cleaning our teeth and we're about to leave the bathroom before I say anything.

"Santana?"

She turns around from in front of the door and takes a couple of steps towards me; she has a sneaky smile on her face, like she gets sometimes before she gives me lots of kisses and I'm almost tempted not to say anything, but I force myself.

"My Mom thinks I want to get back together with Sam," I blurt out. I wanted to tell her slower than that but I guess it'll have to do.

She stops walking and the smile falls from her face. "Why does she think that?" she asks. Her voice has an edge to it that I'm not used to and it makes me wince a little.

"Well, I told her we broke up and she just assumed," I shrug.

"And you didn't think to tell her otherwise…?"

I look down at the floor and start scuffing my foot back and forth against the tiles. "I'm gonna tell her tomorrow," I mumble.

I hear her exhale sharply and it makes me look at her face again. She's shaking her head and she has this weird smile on her face that doesn't really look like a smile at all; and then she turns and marches out of the room. She slams the bathroom door behind her and I flinch.

I stay where I am for a couple of minutes after she leaves, mostly because I'm not sure how long you're supposed to stay in a room after somebody storms out of it to get away from you, then I inch the door open slowly and step into her bedroom.

She's just getting into bed and adjusting the covers and she doesn't look up at me. I swallow thickly and hesitate for a few seconds because I'm not sure if she wants me to sleep in the same bed as her now, but I get in anyway because I'm sure she'll make it known pretty quickly if she doesn't.

She still doesn't look at me; once she lies back on her pillow she rolls over so that she's facing away from me and shuts off her bedside lamp.

All the warmth seems to leave the room with the light and even when I snuggle down under the covers I still feel chilly.

I lie on my back for a little while but it starts making me feel even worse that I can see Santana out of the corner of my eye so I roll over so that we both have our backs to each other.

I really want to say _sorry_ , but I don't think it will make any difference right now. I just hate it so much when she's mad at me; she never really gets mad at me – there's only been one other time that I remember - and I think that makes it worse when she does.

I feel my eyes start stinging and I squeeze them shut so that I don't start crying; I know she'll hear me if I do and I don't want to make her feel guilty.

I feel the bed move suddenly as Santana starts shuffling behind me; I assume she's getting up to go to the bathroom or get water or something but then I feel her snuggle up against my back and snake her arm around my waist.

I jump a little at first because I'm not expecting it but then it calms my heart almost immediately. I smile and put my hand on top of hers.

I feel so warm and comfy, all-of-a-sudden; it's amazing how Santana holding me this way feels more like a warm blanket being draped over me than an actual blanket does.

"I'm still mad at you," she mumbles into the back of my neck. I breathe out a laugh and squeeze her hand tighter.

"Okay," I whisper.


	7. As Pretty as the Past

**Sunday, March 4th** **2012**

_It's weird how quickly you can get used to something to the point where you start taking it for granted; even little things. I've only known Santana for a few weeks and only just over a week of that was spent with Katie, but obviously that was enough time to get used to Santana driving us places._

_I would have called Richard and asked him to come pick Katie up but I already told him I was getting a lift from a friend and I don't want to make him change whatever plans he might have had at the last minute._

_Taking the bus with Katie is way harder than I remember it being, but that might just be because I have to carry her bags too and it's so crowded when we get on that we don't even get seats. Then the house is a good twenty minute walk from the bus stop at the other end._

_By the time we finally get there Katie is whining about being tired and I feel bad that I couldn't carry her because I was already carrying stuff._

_Richard rolls his eyes at me once he opens the door and I explain why we're late; and then the whole trip turns out to be pointless because he insists on giving me a ride home and we have to take Katie with us because there's nobody to babysit._

_I like riding in Richard's truck because you can see over the tops of all the other cars and Katie likes it because there aren't any back seats, just one long bench seat in the front so she gets to ride next to me._

_We make small talk pretty much all the way home and Richard cracks a few jokes with Katie; but I find it hard to give anything better than one-word answers because I can't stop thinking about the fact that Santana is mad at me and how I'm not really sure exactly why or how I'm going to make it right._

_I mean, I_ do _know why she's mad; it's because of Sam, I just don't know why she's mad about it. I guess I just need to get her to explain some more, because even though I don't understand, there's not a doubt in my mind that she has a good reason to be upset._

_My heart jumps a little when we turn onto my street and I see my building up ahead, I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction, all-of-a-sudden, which is silly really because Santana and I live in the same direction._

" _Actually, could you drop me off at Santana's?" I ask, "You remember where it is, right?"_

_Richard's eyebrows knit together a little but he doesn't look at me. "Uh, sure," he replies and accelerates a little as we bypass my building._

_We pull up outside Santana's apartment block about half a minute later and I mumble a, "Thank you," to Richard. I turn to open the door but he reaches across Katie and puts his hand on my arm to stop me._

" _Britt," he says and studies my face for a moment, "are you… you know I just want you to be happy, right?" he stutters._

" _Um, yeah, sure," I reply, a little confused. I feel bad but I really just want him to let me go so that I can get inside and see Santana._

" _You know… you can tell me if you…" he sighs and shakes his head like he's frustrated then looks at me again with an exasperated smile. "Never mind, see you after school tomorrow, yeah?"_

" _Uh-huh," I nod, "bye, sweetie," I say to Katie and kiss the top of her head._

" _Bye, Britt-Britt," she replies and I hop out of the truck and slam the door behind me, shooting her a quick smile through the window before I bound up the path towards Santana's building._

_My tummy is trembling when I finally get to Santana's apartment; the elevator seemed to take forever but I still I haven't thought of what I'm going to say yet and I hesitate for a long time before I finally get the courage to knock on the door._

_When she answers she's wearing different clothes than the ones she was wearing when she came to my apartment earlier. It's one of those tight, black dresses she likes so much; I really like it when she wears them too, usually, but she's also in the middle of putting in a pair of really nice earrings and I feel like maybe I should have called first. She looks like she's going somewhere fancy._

" _Britt? What are you doing here?" she asks as she finishes fastening the backing on the second earring and then crosses her arms over her chest. She doesn't sound angry, she doesn't really sound_ anything _and it feels worse, somehow._

" _I… I thought we should talk," I mumble. "Are you going somewhere?"_

_Her shoulders slump and she lets out a sigh. "I guess I'm not anymore," she says and turns around and walks back into the apartment, leaving the door open behind her._

_I'm not sure if she wants me to follow her so I stay in the doorway and watch as she picks her phone up off of the coffee table and starts pressing buttons._

" _You don't have to cancel your plans," I tell her. I don't want her to do that; we can talk tomorrow, even if I would_ really _like to talk now._

" _Too late," she replies and sets her phone back down. She turns to face me and crosses her arms over her chest again. "Are you going to come in?" she asks, and I swear I see the beginning of a smile on her lips._

" _Oh, yeah," I say as I step inside and close the door behind me._

_We stare at each other for a few moments and my face starts getting really hot, so I decide to say something because I don't think Santana wants to. "I didn't know you were going out tonight," I say._

" _I wasn't," she replies, "but I got sick of sitting in here by myself feeling stupid so I called Kurt."_

_I feel myself automatically step a little closer to her when she says that because it makes me want to hug her, but I stop myself because I remember that she's mad at me. "Why did you feel stupid?" I ask._

_She shrugs her shoulders and her arms seem to get a little tighter around herself. I think she actually_ wants _a hug. "Because I_ acted _stupid," she replies._

_I don't know why she thinks that, but I don't want to ask. I feel like I'll be agreeing with her if I ask and I definitely don't think anything she's ever done is stupid. "Are you mad at me?" I ask instead. I do want to know the answer to that too._

" _No," she answers and lets her arms drop heavily to her sides, "no, I'm not mad at you, Britt."_

" _Okay," I nod and then look down at my foot as I scuff it back and forth across the fluffy carpet, "So… can I hug you?" I ask._

_When I look back up at her face she's smiling back at me but it looks like she's trying not to. "Yeah, of course you can," she says quietly and rolls her eyes._

_I grin as I take the last few steps towards her and close the space between us. I put my arms around her shoulders and hug her tightly and I grin even bigger when I feel her arms close around my waist._

" _I overreacted a little, didn't I?" she mumbles into my shoulder after a few moments._

 _I keep my arms around her shoulders as I draw back and look at her face. Her cheeks are a little flushed, like she's embarrassed and her eyes only meet mine in short bursts. "Of course not," I answer, "I just don't understand. Why were you so upset? I_ swear _I don't like Sam anymore."_

_She sighs and shakes her head but I'm glad she keeps her arms around my waist. "I dunno, everything's just happened so quickly, Britt, and I know that you loved Sam. I guess it's just a little hard to believe that you can go from loving him to loving me so fast. And I feel like you might just go back to him because it's easier and safer." She shrugs and then looks down at the floor. She looks embarrassed and I think maybe she didn't expect to say all of that, so I put my hand on her face and tilt it up so that she's looking at me again. I smile at her for a moment because I'm not sure how to make her feel better, I've told her so many times that I want her and not Sam and it's frustrating that I obviously can't seem to explain it right._

" _Me and Sam started drifting apart long before you came along," I tell her, "so, I don't know, maybe it seemed really fast for you, but it didn't really for me. It's weird; I know I didn't know you before but, I feel like I was waiting for you," I shrug. "That probably sounds stu-"_

_I'm cut off by Santana's lips against mine; it surprises me and I make an embarrassing, little squeaking sound before I let my eyes flutter closed. The kiss is kind of hard at first but then it gets gentler and I smile because I guess I must have said something right for a change._

_I feel her hands move to hold my face and then she slides them softly across my cheek and into my hair and rakes her nails across my scalp and the back of my neck._

_I love it so much when she does that; it feels like I'm getting a head massage and kisses at the same time and it somehow manages to be relaxing_ and _exciting. Santana must know how much I like it too because I always get so many goose bumps when she does it._

_When we stop kissing she rests our foreheads together and holds my face between her hands again. I really like it when she does that too, it always gives me this snuggly, safe feeling. "You always know exactly what to say," she whispers against my lips._

_I breathe out a laugh and shake my head and I can't help but think about how lucky I was to find the only person in the entire world who could possibly think that about me._

" _What?" she asks gently._

_I can hear the smile in her voice but instead of answering I just tilt my face so that I can kiss her again._

**Monday, May 28th** **2012**

It's funny, I've stayed at Santana's a _lot_ of times now; way more times than I can count over the past three months, but I'm still not used to it. The sun shining through the curtains always wakes me before her in the mornings - usually way earlier than I actually have to be up – and I think I would find it annoying if I didn't enjoy watching her sleep so much.

It also means I get to switch off her alarm and wake her up nicely with kisses, which has kind of become one of my favorite things to do, but I'm not sure if I should do that this morning; I don't know if she would like it as much as she usually does.

The last thing she said to me before we went to sleep is that she was mad at me.

It's just really hard not to do it when she's laying so close to me and she looks _so,_ so pretty. Maybe if I wake her up that way she'll forget about everything that happened last night and she'll just giggle and kiss me back the way she always does and then we'll cuddle until we have to start getting ready for work.

I know I always forget stuff that happened the day before when I first wake up, like when I first opened my eyes this morning I thought it was just another day waking up in Santana's apartment. Then I remembered that my Mom is back and I felt super happy and excited, and then remembering that Santana is mad at me made me feel a little less happy, but I was still pretty happy because at least she cuddled me before we went to sleep.

I decide to just do it because I can't _not_ do it. I rest on my elbow and hover over her and then use my free hand to gently move a piece of hair away from her face before leaning down and kissing her softly on the lips.

"Santana," I say as soft as I can and stroke her cheek with the backs of my knuckles, "it's morning."

She twitches and lets out a really cute, little groan but she doesn't quite wake up so I kiss her again, a little firmer than before. I feel the pull of her lips as she kisses me back a little this time and it makes me smile. "Wake up, sleepy-head," I say and then move to kiss her forehead, then both of her cheeks, then her nose and by the time I get to her lips again she's smiling too.

She kisses me back properly this time and I feel her hand move to hold onto my hip. "Good morning," I whisper as I pull away.

"Morning," she groans and arches her back in a stretch. When she falls back flat against the mattress she finally opens her eyes and blinks up at me sleepily. She's smiling at first but then it fades a little and I feel my heart in my mouth. "What time is it?" she mumbles.

I look up at the clock on her bedside table. "Six-thirty," I tell her, "we have time to cuddle."

She doesn't answer me, she just lies there for a moment and I feel my own smile fade. Then I have to move back because she starts sitting up slowly. She rubs at her eyes with her fists for a moment then looks at me with an apologetic smile. "I think I'm just gonna take a super long shower," she says.

She leans in to kiss me on the cheek before getting out of bed and disappearing into the bathroom and I know she definitely hasn't forgotten about last night because usually she would ask me to come shower with her if we had extra time to get ready like this.

I guess if I think about it, I didn't _really_ want her to forget, that wouldn't have been right. It would have been nice if she wasn't mad about it anymore though.

But I guess that wouldn't be right either.

/

I decide to go shower in the other bathroom while Santana is in hers. I try to take a really long time washing myself and then fixing my hair after but Santana still isn't finished by the time I am, so I go to the kitchen and make a pot of coffee.

I think about making breakfast too but I don't feel hungry right now and Santana never really eats breakfast, especially now that I pack lunches for her. She always says she's only hungry for coffee in the mornings.

I'm in the middle of pouring my second cup when I feel arms snake their way around my waist; I know it's Santana, obviously, but I didn't even hear her come in so it makes me jump and I spill a little bit of coffee on the counter.

I put the cup and the pot down and move to get a dish towel to mop it up but Santana presses me further into the counter with her body and stops me from moving. I feel her arms get tighter around my waist and then she nuzzles into me and starts kissing my neck.

I close my eyes and I can't stop myself from smiling. "I thought you were mad at me," I mumble.

"I am," she whispers and then her kisses on my neck get firmer and I feel her hips press harder into my butt.

I squirm a little and I'm not really sure what she's doing because we definitely don't have time to do _stuff_ now, but at the same time I really don't want her to stop. She does, though; she pulls away with a sigh and picks up the cup I got out for her and pours some coffee into it.

I pick up my own cup and take a sip from it and try my best to forget about the butterflies she just gave me, but it's kind of easier said than done. "You're going to tell your Mom later, right?" Santana asks.

I nod quickly. "Yeah, of course."

She nods back and sips from her cup. "Okay," she sighs, "then we're okay." She reaches for my free hand with hers and squeezes my fingers.

I smile back but then I get that heart-in-my-mouth feeling again because I'm not sure exactly what she means. Does she think I mean I'm going to tell my Mom about me and her? I know I said I wanted to tell my family but my Mom coming home has kind of thrown everything out of whack. I really don't think I can tell her yet, just thinking about it is making me nauseous.

"Yeah, I'll tell my Mom I don't love Sam anymore and I don't want her to help me get him back," I say and nod resolutely. I watch her face to try and gauge her reaction and when her eyebrows knit together I feel my heart skip a beat.

"Help you get him back? You didn't mention _that_ last night?" she says. She doesn't sound angry, though, at least. I thought I'd told her that part too, I guess I don't remember exactly what I said because all I can think about is what happened after.

"Uh, yeah, she said she wanted to help me get him back because she wanted to make stuff up to me," I shrug and look nervously down at the floor. "I'm sorry," I mumble.

I hear her huff out a breath and step a little closer to me and then she takes the coffee cup from my hand and places it on the counter along with hers. She pulls me into an unexpected hug then and I squeeze her back around her middle. "It's okay, just make sure you put her straight later, all right?" she says and I nod into the crook of her neck.

When she pulls away she kisses me on the forehead quickly before stepping back and picking up her cup again.

"Now if you can just imagine me saying that in a way that doesn't sound so bossy that'd be great…" she says and I breathe out a laugh.

"You didn't sound bossy," I tell her.

She shrugs and purses her lips for a moment before speaking again. "I feel like I'm telling you what to do," she says.

I smile and take a step towards her and put my hands on her hips, I notice my hands are a little shaky so I make a mental note not to finish my cup of coffee. "I think this is one of those times where it's okay for my girlfriend to tell me what to do because I'm being an idiot," I say and she grins and shakes her head.

"No, I get it, I do," she says quietly.

I lean forwards and kiss her instead of saying anything back because I want us to be finished talking about this now. She's smiling still when I pull away and she cocks her eyebrow at me. "You know, I really suck at being mad at you," she says and I giggle, "Is this what it's like for you all time?"

I feel my face scrunch up. "What d'you mean?"

She rolls her eyes. "Never mind, come on." She puts down her coffee cup and takes one of my hands from her hip before turning and leading me out of the kitchen.

We walk down the hall and I think she's going to take me into the living room but she turns into her bedroom instead. "Why are we going in here?" I ask.

She turns and drops down backwards onto the bed and pulls me down with her with a smirk on her face. I fall on top of her but I manage to catch myself with my hands on either side of her body.

"We're going to have our cuddles before work," she says as she scoots out from under me and up the bed.

She lies back on the pillows with her arms open and raises her eyebrows at me like she's wondering why I haven't started moving yet.

I crawl up the bed next to her and snuggle down so that I'm half on top of her and half on the mattress. It's my favorite way to cuddle with her and I feel a grin fall across my lips because this morning has turned out so much better than I expected it to.

/

"Miss Pierce?"

"Hmm?" I look up from my piece of paper to find Emily, one of the kindergarten students, standing next to the desk staring at me. She has her hands behind her back and keeps twisting from side to side without moving her feet.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Uh, just… writing stuff," I tell her and give her a smile. I'm actually doing an observation report on one of the other kids because Rachel thinks he's been acting out of character for the last couple of weeks, but I can't really tell Emily that.

"Why are you at Miss Berry's desk?"

I look around for Rachel but she's on the carpet on the other side of the room with a circle of kids around her. I think they're playing some kind of math game with building blocks.

"Because this is the only grown-up table," I tell her.

"You can use one of our tables," she offers and points to the table closest to us, "I'll let you sit in my chair."

I put my pen down because I think I'm done now anyway and lean back in my seat. "Nah, my butt's too big." I wink at her and she giggles.

"I'm gonna tell Miss Berry you said _butt_!" she says as she bounces up and down on the balls of her feet.

I let out a dramatic fake gasp. "You little sneak!"

She giggles again and then she leaves. I watch her as she tip-toes stealthily across the classroom, weaving in and out of the other kids until she gets to Rachel.

She has to duck her head down because Rachel is still sitting on the floor and then she whispers something in her ear. I see Rachel smile and shake her head and then points to something; I guess she must have told Emily to pick up some toys and put them away because that's what she starts doing next.

I shake my head to myself with a grin on my face and then look back down at my piece of paper. I rest my elbows on the desk either side of it and then put my head in my hands so I can read over what I've written. I should probably have done it on a laptop so that I know everything's spelled right, but I find it less boring this way.

I vaguely register the lunch bell ringing after I've been reading for a little while and then Rachel telling the kids to get ready for the lunch monitor. Another couple of minutes must pass after that because the next thing I know another piece of paper is being dropped on top of the one I'm reading from and when I look up the classroom is empty apart from me and Rachel.

She's looking down at me from in front of the desk with a triumphant smile on her face and when I look back at the piece of paper I notice it's actually an envelope with my name on it in swirly, silver font.

"Oh, is this my wedding invitation?" I ask as I pick it up. I saw her handing some out of her purse to some of the other teachers in the teacher's lounge this morning.

"Uh-huh," she replies.

"Okay, should I open it now?" I go to start opening it anyway but Rachel puts her hand on mine to stop me.

"No, put it in your purse and open it at home; I don't want you to lose it," she says.

"Oh, okay." I slip it into my purse and look back up at her again. "I'm finished with the report," I tell her.

"Oh, good, I can read it while I'm eating lunch," she tells me. She picks up the piece of paper from the desk and I watch her brow furrow as she looks over it. "You wrote it in pink…" It's not a question but she says it like a question anyway. I just shrug and she rolls her eyes as she tucks it into a folder and then puts it in her purse.

I stand up and sling my own purse on my shoulder because I figure I can go to lunch now but Rachel isn't done talking. "You have a plus-one, by the way," she says.

"Oh, cool," I nod because I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say; _I don't have anybody to bring, but thanks?_ I guess by the time she and Finn get married maybe Santana and I will be able to go together, that would be nice.

"Are you going to bring a date?" she asks.

"Like who?" I say as I start taking steps towards the door.

"I don't know; why don't you go with Rory? You could be _each other's_ plus-one."

I stop and turn to face her again but she holds up her hands defensively before I can say anything. "Okay, you're not interested, I get it," she says in mock exasperation.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"It's okay," she cuts me off, "maybe you'll meet somebody _at_ the wedding."

I just smile and nod because I'm not really sure how to answer that without lying in some way, and I don't want to lie to Rachel; I don't like that she keeps trying to get me to date people but I know she's only trying to be nice.

"See you after lunch," I say and I turn and walk out the door before she can talk any more.

I feel a little nervous when I'm walking to Santana's classroom; I know she's not mad at me anymore and our cuddles this morning were awesome, but I think she's still upset.

I think she'll be okay as soon as I tell my Mom that I don't want Sam back but this day seems to be going by so excruciatingly slowly. I just want to get it over with.

When I get to her classroom she's sitting on the edge of her desk filing her nails instead of sitting in her chair eating lunch like she usually is.

She looks up and smiles at me as I walk in. "Hey, could close the blind?" she asks.

"Sure," I reply. I turn and pull the blind down to cover the glass panel in the door before I walk over to her. "Why d'you want it closed?" I ask.

She smirks at me and drops the nail file behind her on the desk. "So that I can do this," she says slyly as she hooks her finger in my belt to pull me closer. She uses her other hand to wrap around the back of my neck and pulls my face towards hers before giving me a really long, slow kiss.

I smile when she pulls away again. "What was that for?" I mumble.

"I just missed you," she says, "today is going _so_ slowly."

I feel my smile get bigger. "I was just thinking that."

"Yeah?" she says as she slides her arms around my waist. I drop my bag behind her on the desk and then wrap my arms around her shoulders.

"Mm-hmm," I nod. "Oh, did you get your invite to Rachel's wedding?"

She rolls her eyes. "No. I doubt I'll be getting one of those," she says.

"Sure you will; she's giving them to everyone."

"Rachel hates me; she won't invite me to her wedding, Britt," she says, shaking her head with a grin on her face.

I roll my eyes at _her_ now. "You two are awful," I say.

"Uh-uh," she shakes her head again, " _She's_ awful, I'm awesome," she whispers.

I grin and shake my head and I feel Santana's arms tighten around my waist and make me move closer to her before she leans in and kisses me again. It's sweet at first and I keep on smiling while we kiss and let my hands move from her shoulders to tangle in her hair. I love how soft her hair always is; it feels just as shiny as it looks.

I open my mouth when I feel her tongue flick against my top lip and then she starts kissing me a little harder as she presses against the small of my back with her hands to pull me closer.

I feel her pull my bottom lip between her teeth then and I giggle, I can feel her smiling too for a moment and then she stops biting me and seems to swallow both my lips with her own.

I swear her lips were made for kissing.

It makes me press my body even tighter against hers and I feel her lean back a tiny bit as her hands slip under my blouse and grip at my skin. I feel my own fingers tighten in her hair as we start kissing faster and harder and I'm pretty sure neither of us are smiling anymore.

It's constantly in the back of my head as we kiss that we can't let it go any further than this; sometimes I can't help but get a little carried away when Santana kisses me this way and I find it really hard to stop.

But we can't do _stuff_ in here; that would be kind of gross.

Our kiss is getting really aggressive now and every time Santana pushes her tongue into my mouth I feel like my knees are going to give way. Her hands keep clutching tighter at my back and I'm not sure if it's because she's holding me up or just _because…_

I feel _so,_ so hot but all-of-a-sudden I hear the doorknob twist and then the door fling openand my body goes cold.

I jump away from Santana so fast, I don't think I've ever _moved_ that fast before, and pull down my blouse where it had ridden up a little. It's weird; when I heard the door open it sounded far away, like I was hearing it under water, but jumping away from Santana was like coming up for air and I can see and hear everything perfectly now.

Rachel stands in the doorway, looking between me and Santana with her lips slightly parted and her eyes wide. I don't dare look at Santana myself but I can hear her breathing, it's obvious we're _both_ out of breath and I can tell by the way Rachel is looking at us that she must have seen what we were doing.

If it's possible my heart is beating even quicker than when Santana and I were kissing and as Rachel steps towards us I feel like it might just explode.

I watch as she pulls an envelope out of her purse like the one she gave to me earlier. "I just wanted to give you this," she says to Santana and hands it to her. I think it's the quietest I've ever heard her speak.

She looks at me, then back at Santana, and then back at me again. "I'll… see you after lunch," she says and then she turns on her heels and leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind her.


	8. Scary things

"Fuck!"

Santana moves away from the desk and stomps over to the door; she doesn't do anything when she gets there, just slaps her palm to her forehead and stands in front of it. "Fuck, fuck fuck!" she half shouts, half whispers, "We are so stupid! We are _so_ fucking stupid!"

I take a few steps towards her. "Santana," I say gently. I try to put my hand on her shoulder but she jerks away from me so I pull it back to my side again, "It's okay."

"It's not okay!" she snaps, taking her hand away from her head and turning to face me. "It is _not_ okay; did you see the look on her face? She's gonna blab to everyone!"

"No, she won't," I tell her.

"Of course she will; it's Rachel!"

"Yeah, and she won't care, Santana, she has two gay Dads, remember? She was just looking at us that way 'cause she was surprised."

Santana's shoulders slump and she shakes her head before turning and stepping away from me. She squats down to pick up her wedding invitation that she dropped on the floor and then throws it carelessly on her desk before turning to face me again.

"Well, I hope you're right," she mutters and shrugs.

I don't say anything after that because I'm not really sure _what_ to say. I understand why Santana is panicking, I really do, somebody walking in on something so private like that is scary and embarrassing; but at the same time I'm kind of glad Rachel knows.

If it had been up to me Rachel probably would have been the first person I told, even before Tina, because I know for sure that she would have been supportive, even if she doesn't like Santana much. And I know that Tina has been supportive too and I'm glad she found out when she did, but Rachel wouldn't have been hurt, the way Tina was, that I didn't tell her sooner.

Rachel doesn't expect things from me the way Tina does; well, apart from my undivided attention when she talks but she expects that from everybody.

I step towards Santana and she leans her butt on the desk as I get closer; it makes her look like she's deflating, somehow. "I don't want people at work to know I'm gay," she mumbles.

I put my hands on her arms and start moving them up and down gently and it makes me smile when she puts her hands on my waist. "Well, you probably should've re-thought that blazer," I say.

I watch as she rolls her eyes and pinches her lips together tightly to try to bite back her smile. "Britt," she mutters and playfully slaps my arm as I giggle at her. "It's not funny," she whispers.

It would be a lot easier to believe that if she wasn't grinning like a dork but I decide to stop teasing her anyway; it's probably not the time for it. "I don't get why it bothers you so much; everybody else knows, like your friends and family and stuff," I shrug.

"Because if they know, then that's all I'll be to them," she replies, "once people find out, that's all they see anymore and I don't want that at work."

I'm not sure I completely agree with that but I don't argue; I know she probably knows a lot more than me about that sort of thing. "I just don't understand why you care so much what they think when you don't even want to be their friend," I tell her. She does speak to the other teachers more than she used to now, like she'll come in the teachers' lounge with me in the mornings to get coffee, but she mostly only talks about work stuff and she still won't eat lunch with everybody else.

"This is my career, Britt," she says. She pulls me a little closer by my waist so I let my arms slide over her shoulders. "It's important to me and I want to be taken seriously."

I nod and twist a piece of her hair around my finger. "Okay," I say, "I'll talk to Rachel and make sure she doesn't tell anybody." I'm pretty sure Rachel already won't tell anybody but I think Santana will feel better if I actually ask her not to.

"Thanks," she mumbles.

"They're nice though, you know?" I tell her, "You should _try_ being friends with them."

She rolls her eyes. "I'm good thanks, I already have friends."

"Oh right, so you've reached your quota?" I grin down at her and she giggles.

"Exactly."

She slides her arms all the way around my waist then and hugs me tightly. I smile and let my fingers thread through her hair and scratch gently at the back of her neck until she pulls away.

"Come on," I say as I step back a little and reach around her to grab my purse, "We should eat our lunch while we still have time."

She nods as she stands up and then slumps down in her desk chair. "Okay," she sighs.

/

The rest of the afternoon goes by so excruciatingly slowly that I actually check twice to make sure the classroom clock isn't broken.

Rachel doesn't say anything to me about what she saw, she's definitely _acting_ different, but she doesn't say anything.

I think she wants to say something while the kids are taking their afternoon nap but we can't really talk then because we have to be quiet. She works on something on her laptop while I quietly tidy the play area but every time I look at her I see her eyes quickly dart away from me and back to the screen.

By the time school ends I'm actually exhausted from trying to contain all the things I need to say and from having to wait to hear all the things I know Rachel will say.

I sit on the little couch at the back of the room after all the kids have gone and wait for Rachel while she finishes getting the classroom ready for tomorrow morning.

Just when I think she's going to finish and come and sit with me, she walks over to her desk instead and I feel myself sigh heavily.

I guess she isn't going to say anything.

I go to stand up but then she starts speaking from her desk without looking at me so I stop. "I really should've known," she says and then she stands upright and leans her butt on the desk so that she's facing me.

I just nod because I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say, and I don't really like that she's all the way on the other side of the classroom. I feel like this should be something we talk about quietly.

"I mean, I know Santana is…" she sighs, "You spend so much time together."

I nod again.

She pauses for a moment. "How long?" she asks.

"About three months," I mumble.

Her eyes bug out. " _Three months_? You certainly didn't waste any time."

I shrug.

"Please tell me she didn't overlap with Sam…" She looks stern now and suddenly it feels like I've done something wrong.

"No, not really," I tell her.

"Not _really?_ " She raises her eyebrows.

"Well, I dunno," I mumble; in all honesty I'm not sure if I cheated on Sam with her or not. We weren't actually broken up that day I went to Santana's apartment and we almost did sexy stuff, so I guess I sort of did.

It gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because I hadn't really thought about it that way until now. "It was after I caught Sam… y'know," I almost whisper and I'm surprised she actually hears me.

"Okay," she sighs. I know she probably doesn't know exactly what I mean; I didn't word it very clearly, but I think she's used to that. "So why didn't you tell me?" she asks quietly. It reminds me of when Tina asked me that same question; she seems upset that I didn't tell her and I didn't think she would.

"We weren't ready for people at work to know," I tell her.

She sighs again and steps away from her desk before crossing the classroom slowly and sitting tentatively next to me on the couch. I have to scoot over to make room for her because I was sitting in the middle and it's pretty small. "But I'm not just _people from work,_ " she says, "I'm your friend."

I nod at her. "Yeah, I know," I say quietly. I'm not really sure what to say about that because it was only because of Santana that I didn't tell Rachel, but I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming her. She had every right to not want Rachel to know. "But you know now," I shrug.

She nods. "Yeah, that isn't really the way I would have wanted to find out if I'd had the choice," she tells me with a tiny smirk.

I look away from her with a smile as my cheeks heat up and I feel a little better when I hear Rachel let out a quiet giggle. "Yeah, sorry about that," I mumble.

"You know, if you're so intent on keeping it a secret, fooling around at work probably isn't the best idea," she says. I shrug at her in response; she is right, I guess, but I don't think we were really _fooling around_ , we were just kissing.

"So that's why you didn't want me to set you up with Rory?" she asks.

"Mm-hmm," I nod and suck my lips into my mouth.

"You should have just _said_ something," she sighs and rolls her eyes.

"I couldn't," I mumble.

She studies my face for a moment and then lets out a heavy breath before speaking again. "Did Santana not want me to know?"

I look away from her face because I really don't want to answer that. I guess she must take my silence as a _yes_ because I feel her put her hand on my arm and then she says, "It's okay, I understand, we're not exactly the best of friends."

I look back at her and give her a shy smile; I'm glad she gets it without me having to tell her. "I wish you were," I say.

She nods. "Yeah, maybe I'll have to try a little harder, huh?"

"No." My answer is immediate and I shake my head. Rachel doesn't have to try harder at all; I know she doesn't like Santana much but she's always nice to her when she sees her. Plus she just invited her to her wedding. "You _do_ try. Santana doesn't make it easy for you, I know that."

She smiles at me like she's been waiting to hear me say that and it makes me wonder how much this has actually been bothering her. I do know that Rachel can't stand it when people don't like her; she's a huge people-pleaser, she's just not very good at it.

I make a mental note to talk to Santana about being nicer to her.

"So, you're okay with it? Me and Santana?" I mumble.

She sighs. "Brittany, are you happy?" she asks.

"Yeah," I nod and smile, "Yeah, I'm super happy."

"Then that's all that matters," she shrugs.

I smile even bigger even though I don't really agree when people say that; other people being happy matters too. But I'm super glad that she knows now and that she's okay with it and being so sweet.

"Thanks, Rach," I say and then she surprises me by pulling me into a hug without giving me one of her warnings first.

/

"Rachel said she won't tell anybody," I say.

Santana looks quickly away from the road and at my face before turning back again, I don't think she was expecting me to talk because we've been driving in silence since we left the school ten minutes ago.

"She did?"

"Uh-huh," I nod.

Rachel and I talked for probably another twenty minutes before she finally let me leave, she kept asking me stuff like if my family and friends knew and how Katie reacted when she found out. She looked at me like it was a stupid question when I asked her not to tell anybody else at work about it but I made her promise anyway.

I decided not to tell her about my Mom coming back yet; I thought that might be one bombshell too many for one day.

Staying back so long after school meant I didn't get to take Katie out to meet Richard but I guess it's okay, I saw her all weekend and a little at recess and I can talk to Richard after school tomorrow. I keep missing his phone calls but I'm guessing he's probably just calling because of stuff to do with my Mom anyway and, if I'm honest, I'd really like to avoid that conversation for as long as possible.

"Good," Santana replies, "I swear, if she breathes a word to anyone I'll-"

"Santana," I cut her off, "she won't."

"Well, I'm just saying, she hasn't exactly got a good track record. She can't keep her mouth shut about anything."

"How would you even _know_ that?" I mumble as I start tracing patterns over my pants leg with my pointer finger.

"Hey," I feel Santana poke me on the arm and when I look at her she's smirking at me with her eyebrows knitted together, "Whose side are you on?" she asks as she looks back at the road.

"I just wish you would give her a chance, that's all, it makes her upset, y'know?"

"What does?" Her brow stays furrowed but she's not smirking anymore.

"That you don't like her; she wants to be friends with you. Could you just try? _Please._ "

She sighs heavily and doesn't answer for a moment; she looks a little exasperated and I feel bad because I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. "I mean, you don't have to," I mumble and shrug.

"No," she breathes, "You're right, I'll try to take it down a notch, okay?"

I smile at her and she smiles back. "Thanks."

"You know I'm just kidding, right? When I say all those stupid things to her? I didn't know I was upsetting her."

Her forehead is creased with worry now so I reach across and take her hand over the center console. "Yeah, I know," I tell her.

We sit in silence again after that; I keep holding Santana's hand apart from when she has to change gears and she doesn't talk again until we're just a few minutes away from my building. "You're still gonna tell your Mom, right?" she asks.

I look over and smile at her even though she isn't looking at me. "Of course."

She nods like she already knew that was the answer then she gulps loudly and bites her lip. She looks nervous, all-of-a-sudden. "Today at lunch," she says gently, "That's the first time I've ever said it, you know? That I'm… _gay_."

I feel my eyebrows knit together because I don't really understand why she would suddenly say that or how it's even possible. "Really?"

"Uh-huh," she nods. "I mean, I guess I've said it inside my head and I've known for a long time that that's what I am, but I've never said it out loud before. I've never had to come out to anybody or anything; it was always done for me." She smiles like it's a joke but I don't smile back because suddenly I think I understand why she reacted the way she did when Rachel walked in on us; last time she was caught kissing a girl it didn't exactly work out well for her.

"And if it ever came up in conversation," she continues, "I would always just find some other way of saying it like; _I like girls_ or _I don't date men_ or something," she shrugs. She looks at me quickly and then back at the road again. "I know telling people is hard," she says.

"Are you telling me this because you want me to tell my Mom about us?" I ask her softly.

"I'm telling you this because I understand what it's like to be scared of saying something without really knowing why," she tells me without looking away from the road.

I nod and look down at my lap. "I'll do it if you want me to," I say, barely above whisper, "I'll tell her." I think maybe if I told myself I was doing it for Santana it might actually make it easier.

We pull onto my street then and Santana doesn't say anything until we've pulled over outside my building and I've unbuckled my seatbelt. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do that for me," she says. I don't respond because I feel like she's waiting to say something else and she does after a few moments. "Just… do what feels right," she tells me and gives me a little smile.

I just nod and lean over the center console to hug her and she hugs me back really tightly. "Are you going to come over later?" she mumbles into my shoulder.

"I'm not sure; I'll see how things go, I guess."

I feel her nod and then she pulls back a little before kissing me gently on the lips. "I'll call you if I can't, okay?" I tell her.

"Okay." She smiles and I reluctantly pull away from her and open the door.

I feel completely nauseous when I'm walking up the stairs even though I haven't even decided what I'm going to do yet. When I get to my apartment door my tummy is trembling even more than the first time Santana and I did _stuff_ and I have to take a couple of deep breaths before I put my key in the lock and open it.

My Mom is sitting on the couch when I walk in, watching TV and drinking coffee; she's just wearing sweats so I guess she hasn't been out today. She looks up and smiles at me. The place looks really tidy, not that it was _untidy_ before, but it looks spotless now. "Did you clean?" I ask as I close the door behind me.

"Yeah, I just thought I'd tidy up the place a little," she tells me.

"You didn't have to do that, Mom." I drop my purse on the coffee table and slump down next to her on the couch and she turns to face me.

"I got bored," she shrugs, "Do you want some coffee? I was gonna make some more." She moves to get up but I put my hand on her arm to stop her.

"Wait, I… I need to talk to you about something," I tell her. I would have waited and let her make some coffee first but I know if I don't do it now I'll lose my nerve.

"Oh, okay," she says as she relaxes back on the couch again.

"It's about Sam," I tell her.

She visibly perks up when I say that. "Oh right, about that, I thought maybe we should call his Mom first; she always l-"

"Mom," I cut her off and she stops and looks a little taken aback, "Sorry, I just… I don't wanna get back with Sam." My tummy trembles again really badly after I say it, but I'm glad I did. It feels like a weight has been lifted.

Her brow furrows a little. "Oh… I… I'm sorry; I thought it was what you wanted."

I nod. "Yeah, I know, but it's not."

"Britt, if this is because you think he won't want you back I-"

"It's not," I cut her off again and shake my head. "I… he's with somebody else now anyway," I tell her.

"What?" She reaches across and takes my hand then and it still feels a little weird, her doing things like that, she's never been a touchy feely kind of person. "That was fast."

"Not really," I shrug, "We broke up over three months ago."

Her eyes go wide. "Three months?"

"Yeah, it was just before you left."

Her mouth closes suddenly and she looks down at her lap. "Right." We're both quiet for a few moments before she speaks again. "Why?"

I swallow thickly and look away from her face. I was hoping she wouldn't ask that because I know I can't lie about it, but I really don't want to make her mad. "He was… seeing somebody else," I mumble.

When I look back at her, her eyes are wide again and she looks like she's about to say something but I stop her before she can. "It's okay," I say and hold my hands up defensively, "I'm over it."

She closes her mouth as I lower my hands and then she shakes her head like she can't believe what she just heard. " _Sam_ did that?"

I nod.

"But he was always such a sweetheart."

"Yeah," I shrug, "Well, he didn't mean to hurt anybody, sometimes things just happen. I don't think he planned it."

She rolls her eyes. "Is that what he told you?"

I shrug again. "No, but, I just know him."

She shakes her head at me. "Jeez, Britt, would you grow a pair? I bet you just let him off the hook, didn't you?"

She sounds mad and it makes me wince a little. "No… I broke up with him," I mumble.

She lets out a heavy sigh. "I just don't understand you sometimes, Brittany," she says, "It's like you _want_ everybody to walk all over you or something."

I think I shake my head a little without really meaning to but I don't disagree because she always gets really mad when I do that. She goes to stand up again but I panic and grab her arm like I did before. "Wait!" I blurt out.

"What?" she sighs as she sits back down.

"I… there was something else I wanted to tell you," I say. My voice trembles so badly when I say that and I haven't even told her the thing I want to tell her yet. I'm not sure what made me decide to do it; I don't feel ready at all, but Santana told me to do what feels right and I _know_ that this is the right thing to do.

"Well, spit it out, Britt," she tells me when I don't say anything for a few moments.

"R-right," I stutter, "well, it's just, you know my friend?"

Her eyebrows knit together. "Your friend?"

I nod. "Santana." My stomach churns violently as soon as I say her name and I slam my eyes shut because suddenly I feel like I might actually throw up.

"Britt?" Her voice sounds concerned now.

"I- I just have to go make a phone call and then I'll tell you, okay?" I stand up, probably a little too quickly, and it does nothing to calm my stomach.

Her forehead creases and she looks really confused now. "Um… okay," she replies tentatively.

I turn and walk towards the front door and it seems to take all my strength to pull it open. "I'm gonna make some more coffee," she calls out before I pull it shut behind me but I don't respond.

I make my way down the hallway with shaky legs and when I get to the stairs I drop down so that I'm sitting on the top step and slump sideways against the wall.

I close my eyes and keep them closed as I fish my phone blindly out of my pocket because they're really stinging and I feel like they might start watering at any moment. I take a few deep breaths before forcing myself to open them again and then I start scrolling through my contacts.

When I find the right name it takes me a full minute to psych myself up and press the _call_ button. It rings for what seems like a really long time and I'm about to give up when the dial tone suddenly clicks off and I hear a voice on the other end of the line.

" _Hello?"_

"Ryan?"

" _Hey, Britt-Britt, what's up?"_

"Are you busy?" I ask, "You took a long time to answer."

" _Oh yeah, sorry, I'm just driving home from the hospital, I had to pull over."_

"Oh, sorry, did you wanna go?" I squeeze my eyes shut again because I feel like I'm going to cry at the thought of him going now. I don't know what's wrong with me all-of-a-sudden.

" _No, no, it's fine, I'm glad you called actually."_

"You are?"

" _Yeah, Richard's been trying to call you and he asked me if I could too."_

"Is it about Mom?" I ask before he can say anything else.

" _Uh, yeah, how did you-"_

"She's staying with me," I cut him off.

" _What? Why?"_

"Because she had nowhere else to go." I hear him sigh on the other end of the line.

" _She has plenty of places to go, Britt; she could go to Nana's, she could go to Aunt-"_

"But she came to me." I hear him sigh again and we're silent for a moment before he says anything else.

" _How is she?"_ He grumbles.

"She's okay, but, I actually wanted to ask you about something else, if that's okay?" I hope he doesn't mind that because I know I would be dying to ask questions about our Mom if it was the other way around.

" _Uh… okay, sure,"_ he says.

I swallow thickly and I have to clench my tummy super tight to stop it from trembling so much. "Um, you know when you… came out to Mom?" I gulp. "W-what did you say?"

He's quiet, and for a few moments all I can hear is him breathing.

" _Is this about you and Santana?"_ he asks.

I feel a sob escape past my lips when he says that and I slap my hand to my mouth in shock because I didn't even realize I was close to crying.

I nod as tears start rolling down my cheeks and then I remember that he can't see me. "Y-yeah," I croak.

" _Britt-Britt,"_ he sighs, _"It's okay."_

"It's not." I sniffle and pinch my lips closed to try to keep my sobs in but it just makes my shoulders jerk up and down and my chest tighten uncomfortably.

" _She won't be mad, Britt, I promise."_

"I know, I just…" I clear my throat and wipe at my eyes with my sleeve, "I wanna do it I just don't think I can, b-but I can't do _this_ anymore."

" _Do what?"_ he asks gently.

"Keep s-secrets, they don't… _work_. They just get too big and then… and then everybody can just see them b-before you're ready to tell them anyway and it just doesn't work, does it?"

I clutch at the front of my shirt over my chest because it's starting to get really hard to breathe. I don't know how this happened, I was okay a moment ago but now I feel like I'm falling apart over something that I shouldn't be.

" _Oh, Britt,"_ I hear Ryan sigh again, _"I wish you'd waited to do this in person, I can't even hug you."_

"I'm okay," I tell him as I wipe at my eyes again; I know he probably won't believe me because I'm still sniffling and whimpering, "I think I just need to d-do it like ripping off a band-aid."

"Yeah," he agrees, _"that's exactly it; like ripping off a band-aid, and then you don't have to be scared anymore, sounds good, huh?"_

I giggle a little through my sobs at the way he says it and nod. "Yeah… sounds _really_ good."

" _Is Mom with you now?"_

"Yeah, I-I'm just outside my apartment, she's making coffee."

" _Okay, I gotta go now, Britt; the same traffic cop's just driven past me for the third time, I think he's gonna give me a ticket if I stay here."_

"Oh, okay," I say, and try to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

" _If you don't want to tell her today, you don't have to, all right? Just do it when you're ready, and I can even be with you when you do it if you want. Whatever you need, okay?"_

I smile through my tears. "Okay. Thank you."

" _You're welcome; I'll call you later, all right?"_

"Okay."

" _Bye, Britt-Britt, love you."_

"I love you too."

The line goes dead then and I just sit and stare at my phone for ages until everything else goes blurry and it's all I can see. I know I'm still crying but it's silent now, and my chest hurts a little less now that the sobs have stopped. I vaguely register somebody walking up the stairs after a little while. They stop and mumble something and then stand next to me for a few seconds but I just keep staring at my phone. They eventually give up and leave when I don't say anything; I think it was just one of my neighbors and as things gradually start to get less murky around me I start to feel bad for ignoring them, they were probably just asking me if I was okay.

I wait until my tears stop and the muscles in my tummy start to unknot themselves before I heave myself up off of the step and head back down the hallway to my apartment.


	9. Muffled

My wrist feels all tingly and weak as I turn the doorknob on my front door. It's that same feeling you get sometimes when you've been laughing really hard, like after somebody tickles you. I guess you can get it from crying lots too.

My knees wobble a little as I step over the threshold and it makes me glad that my Mom isn't in the room. I can hear her moving around in the kitchen, making more coffee like she said she was going to. She must have bought some while I was at Santana's or at work because I know she only likes the decaf stuff and I'm pretty sure I didn't have any of that.

The kitchen door is already ajar and I take a deep breath before I move carefully towards it and push it all the way open. My Mom has her back to me; she's pouring some coffee into a mug and she doesn't turn to face me even though I'm pretty sure she must have heard me come in. The kitchen door creaks pretty loudly.

I step towards the table and pull a chair out a little way so that I can sit down and wait for her to be done. I clasp my hands together on the table top but even when she's finished pouring her coffee she doesn't turn to look at me for a little while. The silence makes me squirm and in the end I think she must be able to feel my eyes boring into the back of her head because she snaps round as quickly as she can without spilling her drink.

I think she was mad about something because at first she has a scowl on her face, but her expression gets softer as soon as she looks at me.

"Have you been crying?" she asks.

_Shit._

I forgot about that; I should have washed my face before I came out here. I look down at my lap and don't answer and thankfully she doesn't ask again.

She perches tentatively on the chair opposite mine and I see her set her cup down on the table out of the corner of my eye.

"What's going on with you?" she asks, a little softer than before.

I shake my head and I feel my face getting tight, like I'm about to cry again. I bite the inside of my cheek and clench my stomach muscles until I'm sure the tears definitely aren't going to start coming out.

"Brittany… if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you."

I shake my head again. "I don't need help," I mumble, "I just don't want you to be mad at me."

I peer up at her just as her eyebrows knit together. " _Mad_ at you?" And then she smiles like it's the most ridiculous thing I could have said. "Britt, I don't think you have to worry about that right now."

Hearing her say that doesn't really put my mind at rest much; _mad_ is probably the wrong word. I should have said _disappointed_ or _upset._

She continues. "If you're not mad at me after what I've done then I don't really see how I can be mad at you for anything." She shrugs and gives me a little smile. "Try me."

I gulp and nod but when I still don't say anything she speaks again. "Is that about what you wanted to tell me?"

I nod.

"So tell me." She picks up her coffee cup and takes a sip.

I let out a heavy, shaky breath. "I… I'm… in love with someone." It comes out almost as a whisper and I hate it. I'm in love with the best person in the whole world and she loves me too; I should be shouting it from the rooftops.

She's quiet for a moment. "…Okay," she says hesitantly. Then some kind of realization seems to dawn on her because she lets out a chuckle and shakes her head. "Oh, Britt. I know I liked Sam a lot, but if you're with somebody else that's fine, I'm _glad_. Who is it? Do I know him?"

I feel a wave of nausea come over me as soon as she says _him_ and the tears come too quickly this time for me to bite them back. I look down at my hands and for some reason the only word that comes out of my mouth is, " _Mom_." It's choked and pathetic and I feel like I'm asking her for something but I'm not sure what.

"Britt?" she says, obviously concerned now as my body starts wracking with sobs.

I don't think she expects me to say anything back because before I know it she's out of her seat and crouching beside mine, pulling me into a hug.

I let my arms close around her shoulders, even though I'm a little surprised, and completely collapse into her. I bury my face in her neck as I sob; she smells like a mixture of coffee and cigarettes and lavender. I don't think there's a name for the scent they make when they're combined like that that, but I've always just thought of it as _home_.

"Hey, _shhh_ ," she whispers as she rubs her hands gently up and down my back.

"I's Sn-t-na," I whimper.

"What was that, Honey?" she asks gently.

"San-ta-na," I repeat in what I hope is a clearer voice than before.

I feel her start pulling away from me and it makes me tighten my grip around her shoulders but it doesn't make a difference; she still manages to draw back and it makes me feel so cold that I want to beg her not to let go of me.

"Katie's teacher? What about her?"

I move my eyes to meet hers and it only takes her a second to figure it out. I see the flash of recognition cross her face as her eyebrows go from being scrunched tightly together to almost at her hairline.

"Oh…"

"I'm sorry," I whimper, although I don't know why. Something about the way she's looking at me makes me feel like I need to apologize.

She stands up slowly and silently and I let my hands slip off her shoulders and fall limply into my lap as fresh tears roll down my cheeks. I wipe them away with my sleeve and take deep breaths because there's no way I'm going to be able to explain everything if I'm crying like this.

"I don't understand," she says flatly as she sits back down opposite me again. "You're not…" she shakes her head. "I don't understand."

"I just… love her," I mumble and sniffle as I wipe more tears away, "and s-she loves m-me too."

She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs heavily. "Right… okay."

We're silent for a moment and then she stands up abruptly; it surprises me a little because she's only just sat down. "Where are you going?" I sob as she sets her coffee cup down on the counter and then steps past me towards the door.

She stops. "I dunno, for a walk or something," she replies.

I feel my body try to curl in on itself as I clench my tummy to stop myself from crying harder. "Are you mad at me?"

She shakes her head. "No, I'm just... I don't get it, that's all. How you can just suddenly…" she sighs. "I'm not mad, okay? I just... need to clear my head."

I shake my head, although I don't think it's to say _no_ exactly. I just really don't want her to go, why would she need to get away from me if she's not mad?

She steps closer then and puts her hand on my shoulder and I have to try really hard not to close my eyes. "Brittany, are you sure you're not just getting yourself… mixed up?" she asks gently.

I feel my eyebrows scrunch together. "What?"

She sighs. "…Nothing… Forget it. I'll be back later, okay?" She squeezes my shoulder before turning and walking out of the room and I hear the front door close a few seconds later.

I barely wait until I've stopped crying before I call Santana, the way I usually would wait if I've been crying, but I just can't seem to stop myself. Maybe it's because, even though I'm upset, I do actually have good news for her, I guess. I did it. I told my Mom about us. I feel like that should make everything else okay somehow.

Except it really doesn't feel that way at the moment.

I don't even know if there's anything to _make_ okay anyway; my Mom didn't take it badly, exactly. I wish she would've stayed long enough to tell me how she felt but maybe she doesn't know yet, maybe that's why she needed time alone.

I close my eyes and try to steady myself while the phone is ringing; when Santana answers I take a deep breath before we start saying anything.

" _Hey, Britt._ "

"Hi." I actually surprise myself with how normal I sound.

" _Is everything okay?"_

"Yeah, um." I clear my throat. "D'you wanna come over?"

She hesitates. " _Uh, sure, but isn't your Mom there?"_

"She just went out."

" _Oh, okay. Well, I'll be right over, I guess."_

"Okay, bye."

She's quiet for a moment. _"Um, yeah, bye."_

When she hangs up I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I know I was kind of abrupt but if that conversation had gone on any longer I know she would have figured out that something was wrong.

I make my way to bathroom so that I can clean the mascara tracks off of my face. I even wash my eyes with cold water to try to make them less red and puffy but it doesn't work as well as I would have hoped.

They still look kind of swollen when Santana knocks on the door and I think it's the first time since I've known her that I haven't been glad that she lives so close. I really should have waited and called after I washed my face but I just couldn't stand the thought of being on my own any longer than I had to.

When I answer the door I can't help but smile because she's wearing a super tight tee shirt and jeans instead of her work clothes which means she'd probably changed into her pajamas as soon as she got home and then threw on the first thing she could find when I called her.

"Hey," she says as she steps forwards to peck me on the lips.

"Hey."

"Is everything okay? You sounded a little weird on the phone."

"Uh-huh." I close the door behind us. "I just need to tell you something." I smile at her so that she knows it's nothing bad and then I gesture for her to follow me out to the kitchen.

"You couldn't tell me over the phone?" She smirks as she sits at the kitchen table.

"I wanted to tell you in person," I shrug. I empty out the coffee pot and start making some more because I know that Santana doesn't like decaf. I decide to just tell her right away because she looked nervous when she got here and I know it's probably because she's wondering if I told my Mom about Sam. I'm sure it's taking every bit of willpower she has not to just ask me. "I told my Mom," I say.

"About Sam?"

I finish getting the coffeemaker set up and then grab two mugs down from the shelf. "About everything," I tell her as I set them down on the counter. I really have no reason to still be facing away from her now but I can't bring myself to turn around. I'm not really sure why because I was looking forward to telling her this, it's a good thing, and I know how happy it'll make her. _Why can't I look at her?_

" _Everything_?" I think I hear her stand up but I'm not sure. "You mean about us?"

"Uh-huh," I nod.

"Britt…" she says shakily then trails off. The next thing I know her arms are wrapping around my waist and she's pressing up against my back. "I can't believe you did that," she mumbles into my shoulder. "What did she say? Was she okay with it?"

I nod again. "I uh, I think so. She went for a walk. I think she was surprised, but, she wasn't mad or anything, so..." I know my voice is trembling like crazy so I stop there because I really don't want Santana to pick up on it if she hasn't already. Hopefully if she does she'll think it's just nerves. I'm sure most people must get shaky and nervous when they have to tell their parents scary stuff like that.

"Did she say that? That she wasn't mad?"

"Yeah."

I feel her hug me tighter and nuzzle into my neck. "That's amazing, Britt. I'm so proud of you."

I smile a little at that. "You are?"

"Of course," she whispers. It tickles my skin and I shiver a little. "I didn't expect… that was just… really brave of you."

I breathe out a laugh and shake my head because I doubt she would think that if she saw the way I was blubbering when I did it. "I had to call Ryan first. I was a total scardy-cat."

I think I feel her shrug. "You can't be brave unless you're scared," she tells me.

I feel her lips against my neck then and it makes me forget whatever I was going to say next, she has this way of clogging up my brain like that. The way she lets her mouth drift across my skin and give me soft, open-mouthed kisses at random intervals makes goose bumps break out all over me. I can't help but let my head fall back against her shoulder as she sucks my skin into her mouth and she seems to take it as a sign that she should keep going.

I feel my hands fall limp against my sides from the counter as my eyes drift closed. I love how being close to Santana like this seems to make everything else seem so muffled and distant, especially bad things. Maybe if we keep doing this I can stop worrying about my Mom and what she's thinking and what she's going to say to me when she gets home, just for a little while. Maybe we can just block it all out.

I think Santana must be thinking the same thing as me, although probably not for the same reasons, because her kisses on my neck start getting harder and her hands move under my shirt and begin tickling up my body.

I let out a faint gasp when she slides them over my boobs and squeezes over the material of my bra. Suddenly my heartbeat seems like it's everywhere; I can feel the blood pounding in my head and my chest and between my legs and before I can really think about it I let my hands drift to my belt buckle and begin unfastening it. It comes apart easily but I fumble a little with the button and zipper because my hands seem to be getting progressively shakier the more frantic her kisses get.

When my pants are finally open I reach up under my shirt and put my hand on top of Santana's where it's still resting on my boob. I slide it down slowly over my tummy but when it reaches my waistband she stops me suddenly. I feel her lips move against my neck as she breathlessly whispers, "Britt, I don't think we sh-"

" _Please_ ," I interrupt as I try and fail to push her hand further down. I'm not sure when this got so urgent and desperate but I feel like if she doesn't start touching me soon I might explode.

She gulps and hesitates for a moment before her hand slowly continues its path downwards and dips beneath the elastic of my underwear. I can feel how wet and sticky I am down there as soon as she touches me and I think I would be embarrassed if I wasn't so eager for her fingers to start moving. When they do I have to grip the counter in front of me with both hands to steady myself.

She carries on squeezing and kneading at my chest with her a free hand and then she starts kissing my neck again. It's a lot rougher than before; I think she's using more teeth than lips and it makes my skin burn with excitement and need.

My hands tighten on the counter of their own accord as her fingers get firmer between my legs and I want to tell her to go a little slower because I can feel myself building up way faster than I want to, but whenever I open my mouth the only sounds that come out are breathless, high-pitched whimpers which seem to just make her movements get rougher and more aggressive.

When I come it hits me so suddenly that my whole body jerks violently forwards, I think out of shock. Santana pulls me back firmly against her body with the hand she still has over my chest and holds me there while my muscles tense and contract with each wave of pleasure.

When I finally relax again I gasp and breathe heavily as I rest most of my weight against her. Her kisses get much more gentle against my neck then, like she's trying to soothe all the places she bit me, and both of her hands move back to my stomach before wrapping around my waist and holding me in a tight hug.

Once the post-sexy haze has cleared and my brain starts working properly again I suddenly feel heat rush to my face. I can't believe I did that. _Did I just use her?_ I feel my bottom lip start trembling like I'm going to cry and I'm not sure if it's because I feel embarrassed and guilty about how forward I just was or because now there's nothing to block out all the things I was feeling before we did that.

I turn in her arms so that I can apologize before I start _actually_ crying. "I-I'm sorry," I stutter. I swallow thickly and can't even bring myself to look her in the eye.

"What? Why?" She presses her body even closer to mine and rests our foreheads together. "Please, don't be."

"I shouldn't have done that," I mumble. "I-"

"Britt," she cuts me off, "it's okay," she whispers as her lips move closer to mine. "I liked it."

She kisses me then before I can say anything else and I don't try to resist. It's pointless trying not to kiss her back when she kisses me anyway, it feels too nice. I move my hands up to her face and then bury them in her hair as her tongue pushes into my mouth. I whimper a little and suddenly it seems like the perfect solution, if I can make her feel good too it'll cancel out what I did.

It seems like that's what she wants anyway.

After a few moments I start pushing her backwards without breaking the kiss, we stumble a little but we don't stop until I've shoved her up against the kitchen table. I let my hands slide down out of her hair and then I push hard against her shoulders until she lays back.

I quickly crawl on top of her but before I connect our lips again I can't help but notice the way she's looking up at me, her chest heaving and her eyes wide. I can't tell if she looks more confused or turned on.

Before I can ask her if she's okay she reaches up and wraps her hand around the back of my neck, pulls my face down to hers and kisses me fiercely.

She grips tightly at my hip with her other hand and she moans into my mouth as our tongues push and wrestle against each other. I eventually have to pull away because I can't breathe, but I still make sure to keep my lips on her skin for as long as possible; I slide them across her cheek before kissing roughly down her neck to the top of her tee shirt and then back up again before pulling away completely.

I stand shakily at the foot of the table and it shocks me how much cooler I feel now that I'm not pressed up against her burning hot skin. Her legs are still dangling off the edge of the table and I run my hands over her thighs before reaching for the top of her jeans and fumbling with the button. It takes a few moments to unsnap it and get the zipper down and once I do I pull them down her legs until I get stuck at her ankles because she still has her shoes on. I manage to prise them off clumsily and drop them on the floor behind me before ripping her jeans off the rest of the way. I decide to ley my own pants fall down completely before kicking them away under the table because they kept slipping anyway.

I drop to my knees then and hook my fingers into the waistband of Santana's underwear. She lifts her butt off the table so that I can peel them off too and once I've discarded them I pull her legs up and drape them over my shoulders and wrap my arms around her thighs to keep them in place.

She mumbles something in Spanish as her hands grip firmly at the edge of the table on either side of her hips and it makes me smile. It's nice knowing that sometimes I can have the same effect on her as she has on me.

I place a few open-mouthed kisses on the inside of her thigh while she squirms impatiently above me, before pushing my lips firmly against her center.

The breathless moan she lets out makes my heart race like a humming bird's.

I kiss softly over her for a few moments before sliding my lips upwards and sucking gently on that spot at the top as her thighs twitch and tighten around my neck.

I suck harder and harder the more frequent her whimpers get until she moves one of her hands to the back of my head and her fingers tangle in my hair and I know that she wants me to start doing something different.

She lets out a long moan as I flatten my tongue against her and slide it downwards and when I push it inside her, her fingers tighten painfully in my hair.

" _Fuck, Britt,_ " she breathes. I have to slam my eyes shut and clench my tummy because it always gives me way too many butterflies when she says my name like that.

Her hips keep canting upwards as I thrust my tongue in and out of her and I have to move my hands up to her stomach to try to hold her still, and then she's just squirming beneath my hands.

Her breathless moans turn into frantic panting after a little while and even though my jaw is starting to ache it makes me move my tongue harder and faster inside of her until I feel her stomach muscles tense up against my hands and her heels dig hard into my back.

I feel her body arch up off of the table and she goes silent for a few seconds before her legs go limp and heavy against my shoulders and she lets out a loud, stuttered gasp.

She whimpers a little as her tummy muscles relax and I place a few last gentle kisses against her before I pull away and slump down against the table leg.

Just like before it's like emerging from a drowsy cloud; suddenly everything seems too loud and too close even though the only sound in the room is Santana's heavy breathing.

"Oh my God, Britt. That was… where did that come from?"

I can hear the smile in her voice but instead of making me happy and maybe a little shy like it usually would I feel tears start pricking at my eyes again.

"Mm-hmm," I mumble, even though I don't think she was really expecting me to say anything back.

I hear the table creak as she sits up slides off of it and then I hear her fumbling around behind me for a moment. I don't turn to look at her but I see her kneel beside me on the kitchen floor out of the corner of my eye before she puts a hand on my shoulder.

"We should totally do stuff like that mo-"

She stops talking suddenly and then I feel her hands on my face. It makes me close my eyes.

"Britt?" She pulls my face round and even though I really don't want her to see me cry I don't have the energy to resist. "Britt, what's wrong?"

I feel tears start rolling down my cheeks and over her hands and when I open my eyes I find I can't look at her, at least not her face. She looks so worried and I hate that I've ruined this, she was so happy before, so I look down at her lap instead. She has her underwear back on now; that must have been what she was doing before she knelt down beside me.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"What is it?" she asks as she wipes away my tears with her thumbs.

I shrug. "I don't think she's happy about it."

She's quiet for a moment and then I hear her sigh. "Your Mom?" she asks softly.

I nod.

"About us?"

"Yeah."

"But… you said she wasn't mad."

I nod again. "Yeah I know." I sniffle. "But it just seemed like she was really disappointed."

She sighs again. "Oh, Britt," she says and then she pulls me towards her and into a hug. I close my arms around her shoulders and bury my face in her neck as she rubs her hands up and down my back. It's eerily similar physically to the hug my Mom gave me earlier, but in all the other ways it feels completely different. I think it's just because I fit better here.

"I thought it was the right thing to do," I mumble, "but I don't know now." I move my hand up to wipe at my eyes because I feel bad for making her tee shirt wet.

"What d'you mean?" she says softly into my hair.

"I dunno, do you think, maybe… it's selfish?"

" _Selfish_?"

"Yeah." I nod against her shoulder. "I mean, why did I even have to tell her? Just so that I feel better and I don't have to keep secrets or be scared anymore? What's in it for her? Nothing…" I regret saying those words almost as soon as they leave my mouth because I know right away that I don't mean them. They're the kinds of words you say when you're upset but you're trying to sound like you're something else.

I grip tightly at the back of her shirt again as my shoulders shake with sobs and I can feel her shaking her head.

"You told her because things like this always come out eventually, whether you want them to or not. Isn't it better for both of you that she found out this way?" She kisses the top of my head when she finishes speaking and it makes me close my eyes.

I just nod.

She pulls back then and takes my face in her hands again, sweeping her thumbs across my cheeks to wipe away more tears. "Do you want me to stay with you until she gets back?" she asks gently. "Maybe we can talk to her together?"

I sniffle and nod even though I know I should probably say _no_. I don't want my Mom to feel like we're ambushing her but at the same time I don't think I could stand being here without Santana while I wait for her to come home.

"Okay," she whispers, and then she smiles sadly at me before leaning forwards and giving me a sweet, gentle kiss.

She stands up slowly afterwards and extends both of her hands down towards me with a tiny smirk tugging at her lips. "So, I'm thinking the conversation will probably go better if we're both wearing pants…"

I giggle a little through my tears and put my hands in hers so that she can pull me up. "Agreed."

She goes to move away then, probably to find her jeans, but before she can I tighten my grip on her hands and pull her into another tight hug. It makes the world seem muffled and far away again, and just for a minute it's almost easy to believe that she's the only thing that matters.


	10. Monday's Blue

**Friday, March 9th** **2012**

" _I've never been on a date with a girl before," I mumble dumbly. I don't know why I say it - Santana already knows that._

_She stops about an inch away from my lips and pulls back to look at me. Her thumbs rub circles into my hipbones and I gulp loudly because it's hard to keep a clear head when she's so very close like this._

" _You have now," she says gently, a small smile tugging at her lips._

" _Yeah." I nod in agreement. "I really liked it, we should go on more dates, you look really pretty in your dress." That's an understatement, really. A_ huge _understatement._

_She breathes out a laugh and looks down at the floor for a moment. "You look pretty in yours too."_

" _Thanks," I murmur, "you didn't think it was lame, just dinner and a movie?" I wish I could have planned something more exciting, but I was just so pumped about Santana agreeing to go on a proper date with me that I didn't think about what we would actually be doing until it was too late._

" _Of course not," she replies then darts in to kiss my cheek quickly, "You know how I feel about Breadstix."_

_I smile at that. "Yeah, I think you might love Breadstix more than me."_

_She scrunches her face and holds her hand up between us with a tiny gap between her thumb and pointer finger, "little bit," she mouths and I gasp and playfully slap her shoulder. She giggles and snakes her arms around my waist so that her hands are squished between my body and the wall behind me._

" _But really," she says, "I think dinner and a movie is pretty traditional for a first date. Don't worry so much."_

 _I nod at her before something occurs to me. "I didn't think traditional was really our_ thing _," I say. I'm pretty sure up until now we've done everything backwards, or at least in the wrong order._

_She just shrugs and leans in to kiss me but then I think of something else I wanted to say to her. "Oh, and did you have to pick such a scary movie? I'm never gonna sleep tonight now."_

_She pulls away from me again and sighs heavily with a smile on her face just as the elevator comes to a smooth stop. The doors open up onto Santana's floor. She grabs me by the hand and smirks over her shoulder as she pulls me out into the hallway. "I have my reasons," she teases._

_We move swiftly along the hall towards Santana's apartment. I mostly just move fast because she's pulling me along and I'm not really sure why she's in such a hurry._

_It becomes a little clearer as soon as we're inside because she presses me up against the door with her hand just below my throat and sucks my bottom lip between hers before I've even had a chance to set my purse down. It falls silently – or maybe I just couldn't hear it over my heart pounding in my ears – from my hand as my eyes drift closed._

_I grip tightly at the back of her jacket as she pushes her tongue into my mouth but I can't seem to make my hands do anything more than that. My mouth is barely keeping up with hers and I can feel the muscles in my tummy tightening. I really wasn't expecting anything like this._

_She runs her hands up over my shoulders and helps me shrug off my jacket before pausing to take off her own. Then she takes me by the hand and leads me across the room._

_I'm not sure what to make of all this; I can feel my chest getting tighter and tighter as we approach the couch because I think I know what she wants to happen now. We've only done this twice before and that was almost two weeks ago and for some reason I'm more nervous now than I was the first time._

_I can feel my belly and my legs trembling as she sits me down and then climbs on top of me so that her knees are either side of my thighs. "You okay?" she whispers._

_I just nod with wide eyes because I don't think I know how to explain my apprehension, there doesn't seem to be a real reason for it. It's not like I haven't wanted to do things like this with her the last couple of weeks, and I think she's wanted to too, but even when I stayed over we somehow just never got past kissing and cuddling. Maybe we were both just too scared the make the first move after everything that had happened._

_She kisses me again and it's not as aggressive as before, just fast and demanding, like she knows exactly what she wants and where we're going. My hands drift to her bare thighs and clutch tightly at her skin because it's hard not to get caught up in it, even if I still feel a little shaky._

_I feel my body heat up and my pulse beat between my legs when she pushes her tongue through my lips and rubs it against mine. It makes me feel a little more relaxed, somehow, that my body is finally reacting the way it should be to her kisses._

_She begins clumsily unbuttoning the front of my dress, but only to just below my boobs, before sliding her hands inside the material and over my chest and shoulders. She makes our kiss so, so deep at the same time that she seems to swallow my entire mouth with hers. It makes my body arch into her and a breathed moan vibrate past my lips and through hers as she gropes at my skin._

_I gasp for breath as her lips leave mine and as she kisses roughly over my neck I can feel my heart pounding against my rib cage. My hips involuntarily thrust upwards into hers and when I feel her lips curve into a smile against my skin I shake my head. I shake my head because I don't know why my body is acting one way when I feel like it should be acting another._

_Part of me just wants to push her away and make her stop, but the other part of me thinks that's the stupidest idea ever. I want her to touch me and slide her hand into my underwear and push her fingers inside me. I want her to kiss me down there too, I want all of it. I can feel my panties sticking to me and the insides of my thighs sliding together and I want her to do something about it._

_I'm panicking; this is exactly how I feel when I'm panicking. I'm way too hot and my thoughts are going too fast for me to keep up with them._

_I feel her move her hand away from my shoulder and without any warning she slides it under my dress and cups me over the top of my underwear. I let out a quiet, high-pitched grunt and my stomach muscles tighten and curl inwards as she begins massaging._

" _W-wa-it," I stutter out as she sucks hard at my neck. Her lips go still and so does her hand. "I just… can we… um-" I gulp and squeeze my eyes even tighter shut as I try to think of the right words._

_Santana pulls away from me, her lips, her hands and her body. She still stays straddling my lap but it doesn't stop me feeling really cold now that she's not pressed up against me. "D'you wanna stop?" she asks through shallow breaths._

" _I don't know," I breathe out. I open my eyes to look at her. If she wasn't breathing so heavily and looking all tousled and sexy she'd probably look like a deer blinking into the headlights. I squeeze her thighs gently._

_She sighs heavily and looks down. "I know you're… confused," she mumbles. "If this isn't what you want… I under-"_

" _No," I cut her off and sit forwards so that I'm close to her again. I lift one of her hands with both of mine and press it firmly against my chest. "D'you think my heart would be beating like that if I didn't want you?" She gives me a shaky smile and rests her forehead against mine. "I already told you I'm not confused about you, remember?" I tell her._

_She breathes out a silent laugh. "Then what is it?" she whispers._

_I shake my head gently because I still don't think I'm entirely sure how to explain. "I don't know what I'm doing," I whisper back. "I feel like if we're going fast like that I'm just gonna mess up or something. I'm not good at it yet like you are. And, you know, I don't expect you to like… teach me or anything. But I'll get better, I promise." I tell her._

_She lets out a quiet giggle, although I'm not sure why, before pulling her hand away from mine and wrapping both of her arms around my neck. "Britt, trust me, you have nothing to worry about."_

_I shake my head again. "I wanna make you feel good," I mumble, "I just need us to go slow so I can think and I won't be all clumsy and stupid."_

_Santana sighs and waits a few moments before she says anything. "You know… this is new for me too," she whispers sweetly. I scrunch my eyebrows together but I think she's too close to see my face. "I mean, it's different with you. This is just what I_ do, _but you're not…" She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "I'll try to go slower, okay?"_

_She puts her hand gently on my cheek after that and I just smile at her instead of asking her to elaborate because she seems a little flustered._

" _Okay."_

**Monday, May 28th** **2012**

"Almost done," Santana says gently. I keep my eyes closed as she finishes wiping away the smeared mascara from under them with a balled up piece of wet tissue. It only takes her a couple more minutes.

I thank her and let my eyes drift open when she's done and she smiles and takes my hands in hers. "You're welcome," she tells me as she rubs her thumbs over my knuckles. It makes me want to close my eyes again and think about how lucky I am to have found somebody who's so patient with me.

Being around her is almost never anything more than it is soothing.

"D'you know when your Mom's coming home?" she asks me.

I shake my head. "No, she didn't say where she was going."

Santana sighs. "Okay, d'you wanna watch TV or something until she comes back?"

"Okay." I nod and smile at her.

She leads me out of the bathroom by my hand and guides me over to the couch. The TV is already on because I guess my Mom was watching it before I came home. I have no idea what we're watching but neither of us bothers to change the channel.

"It smells kinda smokey in here," Santana says as she rests her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess my Mom smoked," I reply.

She pulls away from me quickly so that she can look at my face. "Does she know Katie stays here sometimes?"

I shrug. "I guess not, but she always smoked around the house and in the car anyway so I don't think it would make a difference."

"What?" Santana's eyebrows knit together. "This is your home, Britt. You can ask her not to smoke in here if you want. Do you want Katie breathing in that stuff?"

I shift a little and my face starts heating up. "No, of course not," I mumble. Of course I don't want that, but my Mom always gets mad when I bring it up and I don't want to make her feel guilty if she can't help it. Plus, I don't exactly want to bring that up to my Mom now on top of everything else.

"Well, you should tell her," she says.

"Yeah," I agree because it seems easier and start playing with the hem of my shirt. It's uncomfortably quiet for a few moments after that.

"Sorry," Santana huffs as she rests her head on my shoulder again, "It's just a pet peeve, I guess."

"It's okay, you're right," I murmur.

"I think I get it from my Mom," she tells me quietly, "she _hates_ smoking."

I nod and we're silent for a few moments. I suddenly realize how tired I am, it's been a really long day, my eyes are just starting to drift closed when Santana speaks again.

"I feel like I'm clutching at straws sometimes, trying to find all these stupid little things we have in common," she says.

I find her hand wedged between us and pull it onto my lap before linking my fingers with hers. She hasn't spoken about her Mom much since her parents went back to Florida and I want her to know she can. I know it bothers her a lot.

"I remember this one time when I was little," she continues, "she caught the maid smoking in the house. She went completely crazy, fired her _and_ got her fired from the agency." She shakes her head.

"You had a maid?" I don't know why that's the thing that sticks out to me, maybe I'm just not that surprised that her Mom could be so mean to somebody.

"M-hmm." She pauses for a moment. "I know what you're thinking."

"You do?" I smile. That would be so cool.

"Yeah… poor little rich girl with Mommy issues."

My brow furrows because that isn't what I was thinking at all. "I dunno, I don't really get why people always say that money can't buy happiness but then when somebody rich has a problem somehow it doesn't count 'cause they have money. Like, make up your minds, ya know?"

Santana breathes out a laugh but doesn't say anything, just squeezes my hand tighter.

It's almost dark by the time my Mom walks through the front door. Santana and I are still watching TV and she looks a little taken aback at first, but she quickly composes herself as Santana _subtly_ puts a little distance between us on the couch.

My Mom is still in her sweats but with a cool leather jacket on over the top now. She was wearing super nice clothes when she first came back last night too. I guess that guy she went to Canada with must've bought her lots of stuff.

She crosses the room without saying anything and takes a seat in the armchair before setting a six-pack of beer – that I only just noticed she was carrying – on the coffee table. She wordlessly hands a bottle each to me and Santana before taking one for herself and it strikes me as a little odd because I don't think I've ever seen my Mom drink beer before.

It suddenly occurs to me that maybe she got them for me. I do find it easier to talk about hard things after I've had a drink, I think most people do. It both warms my heart that she thought to do that for me and makes me feel slightly nauseous at the same time.

Santana gives me a brief, nervous smile before twisting the cap off her beer and taking a sip. The silence between the three of us feels so thick and heavy and I don't know which one of us is supposed to say something first.

I clear my throat. "Um, where did you go?" I ask.

My Mom shrugs. "Just for a walk and then to the store," she says between sips of beer. I nod.

We're silent again for what seems like far too long after that. I keep taking thick gulps and can't bring myself to drink any of my beer. Eventually my Mom lets out a heavy sigh and turns to Santana.

"I just don't get how you talked her into this," she says. She shakes her head and looks down at her feet.

"I'm… sorr-y?" Santana's voice cracks a little and she moves almost imperceptibly closer to me.

"Brittany's impressionable," my Mom replies.

 _Impressionable?_ I remember her saying that exact same thing to one of my teachers once; I don't understand why she would be saying it now. "Mom…" I breathe out but she ignores me.

"And I'm sure you're a nice girl," she continues. I hear Santana gulp beside me, "but don't you think maybe you're taking advantage?"

"W-what? I…" Santana stutters and my Mom cuts her off.

"Brittany's not…" She lets out a heavy sigh and turns her attention towards me, "you're _not_ like Ryan."

"Mom," I say shakily. I look away from her and feel tears stinging at my eyes but I push them down, all the way as far as they can go. "It's not… Santana's fault. Please don't blame her." I really want to take Santana's hand but something tells me that's not a good idea right now.

"Well you weren't this way before she came along," she retorts

"…I was," I mumble, barely above a whisper. For a moment I wonder if it was loud enough for her to hear.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks.

"Um," I gulp, "I-"

"Is this because you're jealous?" She cuts me off before I can really say anything.

My brow furrows, she's asking me too many questions too quickly. I don't think I've even answered one properly yet. "Huh?"

"Of Ryan? You're jealous of him so you're trying to be more like him or something, is that it? I won't be mad, okay? If that's what it is… we can figure it out, Britt."

I see Santana shake her head of the corner of my eye. "No. I... I've always… liked g-girls," I stutter and take a shaky breath in. "I just didn't say anything 'cause I didn't wanna upset you, and I was with Sam before so I didn't think it mattered… b-but… I'm with Santana now." I take Santana's hand and swallow down my nausea. She squeezes back super tight.

I hear my Mom let out a heavy breath but I can't bring myself to look at her again. After a few moments she speaks, "Could you leave us alone please?" It's almost polite, the way she asks it, but I really don't want Santana to go.

I see her nod out of the corner of my eye before placing her beer bottle on the coffee table. I do the same with my own as she stands and makes her way over to the front door and picks up her purse. She shoots me a worried glance over her shoulder as she hesitantly leaves and I try my best to give her a reassuring smile as she pulls the door closed behind her.

I'm not sure how long I stare at the door after she leaves, I feel completely naked without her sitting next to me right now, but my Mom startles me into looking at her again by talking. "Do you not like the beer? I wasn't sure which one to get."

"Uh…" I shake my head and clear my throat, "no, it's fine. I'm just not thirsty, I guess."

She nods and places her own half-empty beer bottle on the coffee table then she sighs heavily. "This is my fault, isn't it? I mean… _both_ of you?"

"What? N-"

She cuts me off before I can finish. "I know I haven't exactly been the best Mom, but… I've always loved you kids. You know that, right?"

She looks close to tears and it makes my own throat tighten. I swallow the feeling back down. "Yeah," I nod, "of course." It comes out cracked and broken. I want to tell her she shouldn't think things like that. I don't think there's anything in the world that could make me think she isn't the best Mom ever, but I don't think that many words would come out of my mouth right now.

She shakes her head and looks away from me. "Does she… make you happy?"

I nod even though she's not looking at me. " _Really_ happy."

She sighs. "Well that's something, I guess." She picks up her beer and takes a swig before setting it back down again.

"Um, Mom?" I say quietly.

She looks at me and says, "Yeah?" And I begin brushing invisible dirt from my pants because I don't know why I have this sudden urge to ask. It makes me feel jittery.

"Did you really think I was jealous of Ryan?"

She shrugs and purses her lips. "I dunno. I can see how you _could_ be."

I nod and look down at my lap. "Why…" I have to gulp and swallow down my apprehension before I can get the question out. "Why did you leave Katie with me? Why not with Ryan or somebody else?"

She's quiet, and for a moment it looks like she's considering not answering, but she does. "I didn't know you weren't going to be home that day, that was just lucky. I thought I'd have to convince you and I knew you were the only person who'd believe the vacation story."

I feel my chest get tight and my lower lip start quivering as soon as the words leave her mouth. It makes it super hard to breathe. "So, it's because you think I'm… stupid?" I manage to get out.

"No… Brittany," she sighs, "that's not what I said. You just… believe people when they tell you things. And you're too nice to call them out on their shit. I mean, why do you think I'm here now? D'you think _Ryan_ would've taken me in?"

I watch tears start falling into my lap and I wipe at my eyes to make them stop. My cheeks feel like they're on fire and suddenly I feel _so,_ so stupid for ever thinking she was here because she actually _wanted_ to be here.

She didn't choose me at all. _Why did I even think that?_

"Britt? What's wrong?" my Mom asks, concerned.

"Nothing," I reply as calmly as I can. I stand up so quickly it gives me head rush before heading towards the bathroom, "I'll be right back," I tell her.

I close the door a little too hard behind me but it's not because I'm angry, I don't know _what_ I am. My shoulders jerk up and down as I stand with my back to the door and try to contain my sobs. I know she'll be able to hear me if I cry properly and I know this is a ridiculous thing to be crying about.

I move over to the sink and splash some cold water on my face as I even my breathing out. I try to think of what I'm going to say to my Mom when I go back out there to distract myself but come up with nothing. It makes me wish Santana was still here because she always knows what to say.

I wish I'd brought my phone in here so that I could at least text her and ask if she'sokay. My Mom probably upset her too.

The longer I wait the harder it seems to be to force myself to leave the bathroom and the more the sad, tight feeling in my chest starts to feel an awful lot like something else. It makes my face hot again.

I think maybe the reason I can't think of anything to say to my Mom is because I don't _want_ to say anything to her. For the first time in a long time, maybe _ever_ , I just really don't want to be around her. I want to walk out of the bathroom and out of my front door and just keep walking until I get to Santana's.

Actually, I think I just want my Mom to be _gone_ when I open the bathroom door, that would be easier. I don't want her to be in my apartment. I can't remember the last time I was around her and I actually felt anything good. And I don't blame her for that; or myself really. I don't think anybody is to blame.

Sometimes the things that seem like they should be easy are the hardest, maybe because you don't expect them to be hard. I know I never expected just being in the same room as my Mom to be as hard as it is, and she probably didn't either.

I have no idea when it _got_ so hard.

When I've calmed down a little I dry my face off on a hand towel and take a few deep, steadying breaths before I open the bathroom door and step out into the living room.


	11. Velvet Ropes

My Mom is still sitting on the couch when I walk back out into the living room. She's opening another beer and I want to tell her to just drink mine since I don't want it, but I don't. Instead I step past her and move towards the kitchen.

"I'm gonna make some tea," I tell her, "d'you want any?"

"No thanks, Honey," I hear her call out from behind me. I don't say anything back.

I straighten the kitchen table up – it was still a little crooked from mine and Santana's little kitchen adventure earlier – before filling a pot with water and setting it on the stove. I move automatically, like I'm not even thinking about it.

I hear my Mom step out into the kitchen a few moments later but I don't turn to face her right away. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say or how I'm supposed to look at her right now.

"Are you okay?" she asks tentatively.

I turn and nod. I even try to give her a little smile but I'm not sure it works. "Are you hungry?" I ask as I play with the hem of my top, "Should I make dinner?"

"No, I'm good. I ate a sandwich right before you got home. But you should make something for yourself." She folds her arms tightly over her chest but doesn't make any move to step out of the kitchen doorway or make herself more comfortable. She looks how I feel, how _everything_ feels, tense and unsteady.

"I'm not really hungry." I shrug. "Maybe later." She nods in response and looks down at her feet.

We're silent while the water boils behind me and then suddenly my Mom's entire demeanor seems to change in an instant. She lets out a heavy sigh and her arms fall limp against her sides and her shoulders slouch. As she takes a seat in one of the chairs and folds her hands together on top of the table, she looks like she's given up on something. Looking at her makes my eyes feel like they're going to cry again.

"I don't want things to be like this with us, Britt," she tells me. I nod at her and move to rest my butt against the counter as she continues, "I feel like I've completely fucked everything up with you."

"You haven't." My answer is immediate even though I'm not sure exactly what she means.

She shakes her head. "Look, if you wanna be with that girl… fine. There's nothing I can do about that, and… I know it's not your fault. But everything else..."

She looks like she doesn't know how to put what she's thinking into words and I know _exactly_ how that feels, so I take the boiling water off the stove and set it on the counter before slowly moving towards the table and taking a seat opposite her.

"What?" I ask quietly.

Her chest seems to deflate before she speaks. "I always wanted a daughter who I could be best friends with… but, I don't even know how to talk to you, Brittany."

I nod and look down at my hands in my lap. "I don't know how to talk to you either," I mumble.

"Why are you like this? Is it because of something I did? Did I screw you up?"

It's gentle and sad, the way she asks it, but I feel my eyebrows knit together because I'm not sure what she's talking about. She said me being with Santana was _fine_. "Um… what d'you mean?"

She gestures towards me with her hand like it should be obvious. " _This._ Nothing gets in and nothing gets out with you, you're just…" She lets out a sigh and shakes her head. "Never mind," she breathes.

I don't think I've ever been more disappointed to hear those words before, and I've heard them a _lot_. I really thought she was about to explain something to me that _needed_ to be explained. I could feel my heart beating faster just thinking about it, and as she gets up and steps away from the table it feels like my heart is trying to burst out of my chest and chase after her.

"D'you want me to take the air mattress tonight?" she asks me from the doorway.

"Huh? Um…" I'm a little taken aback by how _normal_ she's being again all of a sudden and I shake my head to clear the fog. "No, it's okay. You can take my bed."

She nods. "Okay, thanks." Then her brow furrows. "Why _is_ there an air mattress on the floor by your bed?"

"Oh, uh, Katie stayed over this weekend," I tell her.

My Mom mouths an, "Oh," and looks down at the floor. The room is silent again suddenly and I kind of wish I'd left the water boiling. At least that would be making some sound, I feel like if I breathe it'll be too loud.

"That's why I came back, you know?" My Mom says, and then shifts her weight awkwardly from one foot to the other. "The plan was once we were settled we'd bring Katie up to live with us too. But then we _were_ settled and every time I brought it up, Peter would change the subject. Eventually he just admitted that he'd changed his mind and he wanted it to just be us, but I couldn't do that. So I came back." She shrugs and crosses her arms tightly over her chest again.

"Oh… I'm sorry," I mumble and I'm not sure why. I mean, I _am_ sorry that things didn't work out the way my Mom wanted them to; I want her to be happy, but I'm definitely _not_ sorry that she didn't come back and take Katie to Canada. That would have been awful.

"It is what it is," she sighs. "Just out of curiosity, how'd Rich manage to keep the house? I was already behind on the mortgage payments before I even left."

I shrug at her. "He got a big loan from the bank. And he said something about kissing someone's butt, but I'm not sure who's."

She just nods and goes to step out of the kitchen and I want so badly to call her back. I want to get the conversation back to what we were talking about before; I can feel my heart hammering in my chest because of it. I want to know what she thinks about me, it seemed like she was just about to tell me and then she got up and started talking about other stuff.

I suddenly feel like all these answers that I've wanted for the longest time are slipping away from me like I'm trying to catch water with my hands.

/

It's so hot. I don't remember it being this hot before, I feel like I'm burning up and suffocating. The air feels thicker somehow; maybe that's why it's so warm. I go to roll over but I can't, something is covering me and I try to kick it off but my feet get tangled like I'm kicking against reeds in a pond.

" _Brittany! Brittany!"_

That's the second time I've heard somebody calling my name. It's my Mom's voice, but I can't see her. She's called my name like that so many times before. It's the same way she always calls me in the morning time because she's alwaysmad about something in the mornings. Maybe I forgot to feed Lord Tubbington the night before, or I left my shoes in the hallway again, or something else. There's _always_ something.

If I don't answer I know she's going to come in my room and be really mad. I hate waking up in the mornings because I never know what I've done wrong right away.

"Brittany!"

I sit bolt upright and breathe heavily into the dark room. My heart is jackhammering and I move my hand to clutch at my tee shirt. It's wet; I think I'm sweaty. I look around me and it startles me a little when I notice that I'm on the floor and somebody else is sleeping in my bed.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I remember that it's just my Mom. I can't see her face properly because it's dark but her breathing is slow and even and I'm pretty sure she's asleep.

I must have just imagined her calling my name.

I lie back down and close my eyes but I know I'm not going to be able to sleep, however tired I am. I want to talk to my Mom again. I want to get her to finish what she was going to say before she changed the subject. I wanted to ask her before we went to bed too but I couldn't find the right words, so we just watched TV in silence for an hour or so before my Mom told me she was sleepy. It took me a little while to fall asleep after I laid down.

And now I'm awake again. I sit up and throw the covers off me because I just can't get my brain to shut off.

_Nothing gets in and nothing gets out with you._

I don't understand what she meant by that and it keeps playing over and over again in my head. I hardly ever understand what she means but I _should_ understand that. At least it feels like I should.

I tip-toe over to the front door and slip on my jacket and a pair of gym shoes as I steal glances back at my Mom to make sure she hasn't woken up.

I stuff my cell phone in one pocket, so that I can keep track of the time, and my keys in the other before slipping out of the front door and edging it shut behind me as quietly as I can.

I pull my jacket tighter around me as soon as I get downstairs and out on the street. The cold seems to seep right through my clothes and it's probably because I didn't even bother changing out of my pajamas. It's noisy too, like I expected, the traffic never really stops around here.

My feet carry me away from my building without my brain really telling them to and by the time I've realized where I'm going I'm already halfway there.

It's twenty minutes later when I'm walking up a steep, gravel road that my phone buzzes in my pocket for the first time. I ignore it because I know it has to be my Mom and I have no clue how to explain what I'm doing.

I don't even _know_ what I'm doing.

At the top of the road there's a small stone wall that overlooks most of Lima, and that's where I sit. It's one of my favorite places, mostly because Santana and I come here for picnics sometimes. One time we even brought Katie. It was a lot warmer then because it was during the day.

I have no idea why I'm here now, but I'm glad I am, even though it's probably crazy and I'm going to be super tired for work tomorrow. All I can hear are crickets and sometimes the breeze whooshing through the long grass in front of me. I feel like I can breathe properly for the first time in almost two days.

I pick at my fingernails and swing my legs as I ignore my phone for the second time… and then the third and fourth. I do feel bad for it, it's just talking to my Mom hasn't really been working out so well today, and I doubt she's going to put my mind at rest in the middle of the night over the phone.

We both even said that we don't know how to talk to each other. I don't know if it's the cold or the thought of this never getting better because of that fact that's making me feel so jittery.

I'm not sure how long I sit there and stare at nothing. The lights from the town begin to blur and I'm starting to feel like I'm in a trance when I hear a car engine and the gravel crunching on the road behind me.

I don't turn to look but the car seems to stop a few yards away before the engine cuts out. Whoever it is slams the door shut pretty hard as they step out and they leave the headlights on as I hear them move quickly towards me.

I'm starting to feel a little edgy because I really don't want to engage some stranger in conversation right now. Plus, it's dark and late and I'm alone in the middle of nowhere. What if it's someone bad?

 _No._ They're probably just going to ask me to leave. Maybe I'm not allowed to be here at night.

"Britt?"

My heart leaps up into my throat when I hear her voice and finally I feel like I can move again. My head snaps round and I see a flustered Santana stomping towards me wearing pajamas and a jacket just like I am.

"What are you doing out here? Are you okay? I was worried." She puts her hand on my shoulder when she's close enough. She's all wide-eyed and out of breath and I gulp because I really didn't mean to make anyone worry.

"I'm okay," I tell her, "I just had to get out of my apartment for a little while. How did you know where I was?"

"Your Mom called me and said you were gone and I figured you'd be here… well, I drove around for forty-five minutes looking for you and trying to call you, _then_ I figured you'd be here." She sighs and shakes her head.

"Crap," I mumble, "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."

She just regards me silently for a few moments with pursed lips before her body relaxes. She rolls her eyes. "It's fine. I'm just glad you're okay. C'mon." She reaches for my hand. "Let's get outta here."

I pull my hand away and shake my head. "You can go back, I'm gonna stay here," I tell her quietly.

"Britt," she sighs, "we have to work tomorrow. We should go home and go to bed."

I look down at my hands and shrug my shoulders. "I won't be able to sleep anyway. I just wanna stay here for a little while, I like it here."

She's quiet and then I hear her shoes scuff against the ground behind me, like she's fidgeting. I think for a moment she's going to leave. "Well… can I sit with you?" she asks.

My heart flutters at that. I smile and turn my face towards her to give her a little nod. When she climbs over and sits beside me on the wall she immediately puts her arm around me and pulls me close so that I can rest my head on her shoulder.

I'm suddenly very glad she found me.

"You're a crazy woman," she mumbles and I let out a quiet giggle. I watch as she wriggles her cell phone out of her jacket pocket with her other hand and begins pressing buttons.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Letting your Mom know you're okay," she answers.

"Oh… right. How did she even get your number to call you?"

I feel her shrug as she puts her phone away again. "I dunno, I guess she found one of my business cards in your apartment."

I can't stop the chuckle that comes out of my mouth and I feel Santana breathe out a laugh against the top of my head. "What?"

"I just always think it's funny that you have business cards. Dork," I tease.

Santana giggles a little. "Hey, they were a super lame gift from my uncle, okay? Besides, they come in handy sometimes," she tells me.

"Okay." I stop laughing but the grin lingers on my face.

When we've been quiet for a little while Santana speaks again, but this time she isn't quite so relaxed. Her voice sounds tight and strained and it makes me want to hug her.

"I know this probably isn't the best time, but I kind of need to tell you something," she says.

"Okay." I snuggle further into her shoulder.

"It's not a big deal or anything. I only didn't say anything before 'cause I didn't want you to worry. And it's _not_ anything to worry about, but… my parents are selling the condo."

I feel my eyebrows knit together. "Huh?"

"My apartment – they're selling it."

"…Oh. How come?" I ask.

She shrugs. "I think it was my Mom's idea, remember at your friend's party when she called me?"

I nod against her shoulder.

"She told me then. I guess I can't blame them. They only use it like, once a year, tops. They could just stay in a hotel," she says.

"But where are you gonna live?"

"Well, I can stay there until they sell it. But I don't know if that's enough time to save up a deposit for a new place," she tells me.

"But you're gonna stay with me until you save up enough, right?"

"Well… I didn't wanna just assume."

"You can assume," I respond immediately. I think I'd be more upset if she _didn't_ assume.

Santana breathes out a laugh. "Okay, thank you."

"It'll be fun."

She's quiet for a moment and then I feel her take my hand with her free one. I smile as she runs her thumb over the back of it. "What happened with your Mom?" she asks gently.

I shrug and then shake my head. "I dunno, we talked a little after you left," I tell her, "I think she's okay with me and you… sort of."

Santana nods. "…Okay."

"It's all right," I whisper and turn my face into her shoulder. I don't want to tell her about all the other things that my Mom and I said, at least not right now. I feel like I might cry if I do and I _really_ don't want to cry.

"Why don't I believe you?" she whispers back, but she doesn't push me to say anything else.

We're silent for a long time after that. I look at the stars for a little while because they're so much clearer out here than in town, but then I let my eyes drift closed because I'm pretty tired and Santana's breathing is kind of hypnotizing. It's _so,_ so quiet, I feel like we could be the only two people in the world. I actually surprise myself a little when I do finally speak again.

"I've always thought she was beautiful – my Mom." It comes out really quiet. I feel rude drowning out the crickets somehow; it's so peaceful here. I'm not really sure why I say it anyway, but I don't mind that I did. Santana's arm tightens around me a little.

"But scary-beautiful. If that's a thing," I continue, "Like, I just always liked to watch her doing random stuff, especially when I was little. But at the same time being around her was always really… _overpowering_. She's like a hurricane… or maybe that painting with the guy screaming with his hands on his face…"

"The Scream?" she hushes.

"Yeah," I nod a little, "The Scream. Like, it's beautiful in its own way and people wanna look at it 'cause it stands out, ya'know? So they're drawn to it. But then it's kind of tragic because you know the guy must be screaming for a reason. You know something's wrong, you just don't know what. So you try to get closer because you think maybe if you're closer you'll see something that you didn't see before. But there's this velvet rope around the painting and you're not allowed past, except there are other people going past… Maybe they have VIP tickets to the museum or they have a deal with the security guard or something. So then everybody who's allowed past the velvet rope suddenly knows something you don't. They get to understand." I gulp and shake my head because I know I've gone off on a tangent and she's probably lost. "I think Ryan's allowed past the velvet rope," I finish.

Santana sighs and turns her face to place a lingering kiss on my temple before facing forwards again. "You do like speaking in metaphors, don't you?"

I smile at that. "Sorry," I almost-whisper.

"Don't be," she says with a lazy shake of her head, "I like it."

"Thanks," I mumble.

We're quiet for a few moments and then Santana lets out a heavy breath, I feel it against the top of my head. "You know, if it makes you feel better I think everybody has their own velvet rope," she says.

I nod because I guess that makes sense.

"But you're always allowed inside mine," she tells me.

I feel a grin fall across my lips and I snuggle further into her shoulder. "I'm not sure if that sounded really sweet or really dirty," I say.

She lets out a quiet giggle. "Either is fine by me." She clears her throat; I guess it was getting scratchy because we're speaking so quietly. "You ready to head back yet? I'm kinda falling asleep here," she says.

"Okay, but if you're falling asleep maybe you shouldn't drive?"

"Right… yeah. Do you wanna drive?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I'm sleepy too. I might run over a cat or something."

Santana sighs and then pulls away from me. She looks back at her car and squints a little because the headlights are still on. "I guess we could sleep in the car and then drive home really early in the morning. I think I still have a blanket in the trunk from one of our picnics."

I smile because camping out in the car actually sounds pretty fun. "Okay."

I follow Santana over to her car and then I stand back and watch her as she grabs the blanket out of the trunk and then arranges the passenger seat in the car so that it's reclined all the way back. I swear I could watch her do anything, and not in the same way as I could watch my Mom do anything when I was little – that would be weird – but just because of the way it makes me feel; like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I think I've thought that about her before. I might have even _said_ it to her.

She crawls into the passenger seat and scoots over so that she's right on the edge on her side, then pats the space next to her. "C'mon," she says with a cheeky smile.

I climb in next to her and it's a really tight squeeze. We both have to face each other on our sides and squish really close together before Santana pulls the blanket up over us and leans over me to pull the door closed.

"Well this is cosy," she mutters.

"Yeah, look how pressed up against you I have to be... it's awful," I reply as I try to bite back my smile. I feel her suddenly pinch at my ribs and I squirm and giggle and bat her hand away. "S-stop!" I squeak, and after a few seconds she does.

"Dork," she whispers as she moves her hand up to rest against my cheek. I go to call her one back but before I can she fits her lips over mine and kisses me. I feel my eyes drift closed and my hand move from my side to her waist.

It's only short and gentle but it's enough to make me smile like an idiot when she pulls away. She smiles back at me as her thumb strokes over my cheek and as much as I want to keep smiling I can't help but notice the dark circles under her eyes now that we're face to face.

I suddenly feel very bad again for making her worry and come out here to find me. "I'm sorry for keeping you up," I whisper.

"Don't be, it's okay," she replies.

"Well I am." I give her a half shrug.

She keeps looking at me for a few seconds with a tiny smile on her face, the kind that's mostly in her eyes and you probably wouldn't notice unless you were really close. She doesn't close her eyes even though I'm kind of expecting her to; she looks tired and she _said_ she's tired.

"Santana?" I say.

"Mm?"

"You're happy, right?"

Her brow furrows and she clears her throat before asking, "What d'you mean?"

"Well, just like… in general, and with us. Are you happy?" I feel like if she just says _yes_ it'll be one less thing to worry about. Just something that's good – making her happy, it's all I could ask for really.

"Of course." She nods gently. "I mean, I know things aren't perfect, that's not possible. But I'm happy with you and I like my life right now."

I smile and let out a relieved breath. "That's good."

"What about you?" she asks.

I nod at her. "Yeah… I am. Especially when I'm with you."

I'm happy when I'm with Katie too, or hanging out with Tina, or even at work. Lots of stuff really, but mostly with Santana. I think she already knows that.

She smiles at me and leans in to place a kiss on my forehead before pulling back again. "Then I think things are going to be okay," she tells me.


	12. Perfect

**Tuesday, May 29th** **2012**

"You still look a little tired, are you tired?" I ask Santana as I pour out my fourth cup of coffee. I go to pour some more in her mug too but she slides it away from me before I can.

"Yeah but if I have any more coffee my heart might explode."

"Okay." I nod.

"Maybe you should make that your last cup too, you're shaking." She giggles a little and shakes her head.

"Right." I nod again. "I'm sorry you didn't get much sleep last night."

Her smile softens and she just shrugs at me. She still has dark circles around her eyes and it makes me feel really bad for keeping her up all night. We can't have got more than a couple of hours sleep in her cramped car and it felt like I'd only just closed my eyes when the alarm on Santana's phone went off and we had to drive home.

I managed to unknot my stiff muscles with a hot shower once we got back but I still feel really sleepy even after all the coffee. I swear, when I was in college I used to stay awake for entire weekends at a time and now I can't even make it one night without feeling awful.

I guess I really am getting older.

"You've made my kitchen smell like the Lima Bean," says Santana as she stands and goes to put her mug in the sink.

"Sorry," I mumble, "but at least the Lima Bean smells good." I give her a little smile and she smiles back as she leans against the counter.

"How are you feeling?" she asks. It catches me off guard a little because she looks a lot more tired than I feel.

"I'm okay," I respond.

She studies my face for a moment with pursed lips. "Do you wanna call your Mom and let her know you're all right?"

I feel my eyebrows knit together and I quickly shake my head. "No. You told her I was okay last night, right?"

"Yeah," she nods, "of course."

"So I don't need to call her…?" I will call her if Santana thinks I should, but I _really_ don't want to. I know she's probably going to be mad at me for sneaking out last night.

"Not if you don't want to." She pushes away from the counter and moves towards me. I think she's going to sit in one of the chairs at the kitchen table again like me, but instead she sits _on_ the table right in front of me. "Are you going to talk to her later?" she asks gently. She tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear as she asks and it makes me smile even though I really don't like the question.

"About what?"

She sighs as she pulls her hand back into her lap. "Well, I dunno… _stuff_. There are things you need to say to her, right?"

I shrug and look down at Santana's knees. "I already tried and it didn't work. I don't know how to talk to her."

"Britt," she lets out a heavy breath and reaches for my hand. I lift it up so she can take it, "I don't wanna… _assume_ stuff or anything, but, when I was there yesterday… it just - it doesn't seem like your Mom really listens to you. I think you've gotta make her listen."

I shake my head. "If you don't say anything, people assume you don't have anything to say." I shrug. I can't look at Santana's face because I don't like disagreeing with her, but I don't want her to blame my Mom for how things are between us. It's not her fault that whenever I'm with her my heartbeat seems to drown out my thoughts and makes me too afraid to say anything.

"You don't have any trouble talking to me," Santana says softly as she squeezes my hand tighter.

"Mm-hm," I agree. That is true.

"So maybe you could, I dunno… figure out what you wanna say and then pretend like you're just talking to me or something."

I let myself look at her again and I can't help but smile. She comes up with the sweetest ideas. "I guess that could work," I say, even though I'm not so sure.

She slides off the table then with a cute smug smile and sits on my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I let my hands play with the bottom of her shirt. "I get it, you know?" she says, her expression turning more serious, "I suck at talking to people who aren't you too."

I shake my head at that. "That's not true, you're awesome at talking to people. You're super funny and you always know what to say."

She sighs and rolls her eyes. "Okay," she drags out the word, "then I don't _like_ talking to people who aren't you. I'm just saying, you make things… easy, I guess. Whenever I talk to other people now I just can't stop thinking about what an idiot they are compared to you."

I breathe out a laugh and feel my cheeks start heating up. It makes me bury my face against Santana's shoulder. "C'mon," I mumble, "what about your friends?"

"Hmm…" I feel the sound vibrating through her chest and I know that she's being cute and jokey now. "They're still idiots, but I can be around them without wanting to punch them in the face so that's a step up from most people."

I draw back as I breathe out a laugh. "You'd never punch anybody in the face."

Her eyebrows shoot up and she pulls a little further away from me. "Hey, I've put a few bitches in their place in my time, okay?"

I snort out a laugh. "I bet you have."

She smirks at me and leans forwards. "I'm a total badass and don't you forget it," she mumbles.

I go to say something back but before I can she gently kisses my smile away. When she pulls back she smirks at me again and pinches at my ribs until I squirm and giggle. I bat her hands away and she laughs too.

"C'mon, we're gonna be late." She squeezes my shoulder and grins at me as she stands up.

"Ung," I groan, "I'm too tired to go to work."

Santana pauses in the kitchen doorway and shoots a look over her shoulder that says _don't you dare start complaining,_ so I suck my lips into my mouth and nod.

/

"So, how are you and Santana?"

I pause momentarily and roll my eyes before sliding the basket of scrap paper I'm holding into its cubby and turning to face Rachel. She's leaning on a table right behind me with her arms folded over chest and looking at me expectantly.

"Exactly the same as yesterday, Rach."

I know she's been dying to ask me about it all day but I've managed to avoid being alone with her until now. It's strange to think she only found out about us yesterday, it seems like much longer ago. I search around for something else to tidy so that we won't have to continue this conversation, but there's nothing left.

"So… she's okay with me knowing?" she asks tentatively as I step past her move towards her desk. I pick up my purse from behind it and swing it over my shoulder.

"Yeah, of course." I guess that's _sort of_ true.

I start making my way towards the door without really expecting to make it out into the hall just yet, and Rachel quickly justifies that assumption.

"Brittany, can I ask you a question?"

I pause and swivel on my heels to face her. She's still leaning on the same table with her eyes fixed firmly on my face. "Yeah, sure," I tell her.

"Did Kurt know about the two of you?" she asks.

My brow furrows. "Um… yeah."

She nods and looks down at her hands as she plays with the bottom of her sweater. I take a couple of small steps towards her because she suddenly looks kind of sad. "Why?" I ask.

She gives a small shrug. "I just thought he would've told me something like that."

I feel my forehead crease even more. It's not exactly Kurt's secret to tell. "Well… he knew Santana didn't want people to know," I tell her.

"Yeah, I know, but me and Kurt tell each other things." She huffs and looks up at me again.

"Okay, but he's known Santana a long time, Rach. They're best friends. That's important."

I kind of regret saying that as soon as the words leave my mouth. Rachel's eyes narrow and her lips press together in a tight line for a moment before she responds. "Well Kurt and I will be practically related once I marry Finn. Is _that_ not important?"

I bristle at her tone. I don't understand why she's making such a big deal out of this all of a sudden. "Well, yeah, of course. But-"

"I mean, did Finn know too?" she interrupts, "Was I the only one who wasn't in on this?"

I sigh. "Rachel, please don't take it so personally. We didn't want _anybody_ at work to know, I already told you that yesterday," I tell her as calmly as I can manage.

She rolls her eyes. "Oh _please._ Nobody is going to care about you and Santana dating each other, Brittany."

"D'you guys wanna talk a little louder? I don't think they can hear you out in the schoolyard…"

Both of our heads whip round to find Santana standing in the doorway. She moves towards me once she's finished speaking but she doesn't take her eyes off Rachel. She looks really mad.

"C'mon, Britt," she mumbles as she tugs at my elbow and pulls me towards the classroom door. I manage once last glance back at Rachel – whose skin looks about two shades lighter than it did a moment ago – before I'm dragged out into the hallway.

Santana lets go of my arm and marches towards the school's exit and if my legs weren't longer than hers I'd probably have to jog to keep up. "I'm sorry," manage to get out between shallow breaths.

She shakes her head immediately. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." It would be a lot easier to believe that if she wasn't scowling so badly.

She doesn't say anything else until we're in the parking lot and safely inside her car. She reaches for my hand across the center console right away and squeezes tightly. "God, she is such a fucking harpee," she hisses as she stares through the windshield.

"She was just upset," I tell her, "she thinks everyone's keeping secrets from her."

"Yeah, well somebody should tell her not everythingis about _her_."

I shrug softly. "Were we really that loud?"

I see a small, reluctant smile tug at her lips. She shakes her head. " _She_ was. I could hear her all the way down the hall."

"Crap," I mumble, "I'm really sorry."

Santana shakes her head again. "Stop saying you're sorry." She takes a deep, calming breath, "Your Step-Dad wants you to call him, by the way."

 _Crap._ I keep forgetting to call him back. He must have tried to call me at least five or six times over the last couple of days. "Right, is it about my Mom?"

She shrugs. "He just asked if I could get you to call him when he came to pick Katie up."

"Okay."

Santana sighs and lets go of my hand. When I look at her face again she's got her head tilted back against the seat and her eyes closed. "Did you tell Rachel your Mom's back? You know, since she's obviously entitled to know every little detail about your life," she asks.

I shake my head even though she's not looking at me. "No. I haven't even told Tina yet." My heart jolts when I think about that, Tina's going to flip out when I tell her I'm letting my Mom stay with me.

Santana just nods and goes quiet for a moment. I don't know what to say to her, I'm pretty sure nobody else heard Rachel and I talking, but I don't know that for sure.

"God, what a shitty day."

"Mm-hm," I nod.

"How d'you feel about retail therapy?" she murmurs suddenly.

I feel my eyebrows knit together because that's the last thing I expected her to say right now. "You wanna go shopping?"

She opens her eyes and tilts her face to look at me before nodding. "Or maybe just browsing. I should probably start saving my money." She winks at me and it makes me smile.

"Okay, if that's what you wanna do." I'm suddenly pretty excited that I won't have to go home and face my Mom right away. Plus, I've liked going shopping a whole lot more since I met Santana, I used to hate it but she makes it fun. I think doing _anything_ with someone who really enjoys it makes it a hundred times more fun.

Santana seems to perk up a little as she fastens her seatbelt and twists her key in the ignition before we pull out of the parking lot.

/

Once we get to the mall we decide to go to the food court before we start _browsing_ because we spent ten minutes debating about which shop to go to first and still couldn't choose one.

"I told you you wouldn't eat all that." Santana smirks at me from behind her coffee cup.

I look down at my half-finished meatball sub. I guess my eyes were bigger than my belly but I swear I was super hungry when I ordered it. "I'll finish it," I tell her as I pick it up again. I hear my stomach grumbling at me as I take another bite and force it down.

"Britt," Santana giggles, "I'm just kidding, you're gonna make yourself puke."

I nod and groan as I drop it back down on my plate and Santana keeps giggling.

" _Silly,_ " Santana mumbles under her breath before taking a sip of coffee. She smiles softly at me as I wash down that last bite with my chocolate milk. "Hey, Britt?" she says after a moment.

"Mm?"

"I was thinking about the whole staying with you thing… maybe I should make other arrangements," she says.

"What? How come?" I feel my face scrunch up.

"Well, it's not that I don't wanna stay with you or anything. It's just, we don't know how much longer your Mom's going to be with you, right? She might still be there by the time I have to move out. So I think I should have a back-up plan, that's all."

I reluctantly nod; that does make sense. My apartment isn't even big enough for just me and my Mom. "Okay."

"Okay," she echoes and then gives me a sweet smile. "Have you thought any more about what I said this morning about talking to your Mom?" she asks me.

I take another sip of my chocolate milk before answering. "Yeah," I reply, "I was thinking maybe I shouldn't bother."

Her forehead creases. "What d'you mean?"

I shrug. "Just that… I don't think we're ever going to get anywhere by talking. Maybe I should just learn to be okay with that, you know? Maybe it _is_ okay that we're just… indifferent."

She presses her lips together in a tight line and reaches across the table to take my hand. "Look, I can't speak for your Mom, Britt, but I don't think you _are_ indifferent. That's why it feels so shitty, because it's important to you."

I just shrug again because I can't think of anything worse than that being true. When I don't say anything back for a little while Santana keeps talking, "But hey, if that's what you wanna do, I understand," she says.

I try to smile at her. "It's working for you, right? You've seemed happier since your parents went back home."

She shrugs and avoids my eyes for a moment. "It's not the same, Britt. My Mom lives in Florida and we've never been close. It doesn't really affect my life and I don't think I care as much as you do."

I don't think that's true, I think she gets more upset about it than she lets on – if she didn't, she wouldn't agree to all the weird stuff her Mom asks her to do - but I know she'd hate it if I brought it up right now in the middle of the Lima Valley Mall food court, so I don't say anything.

"Hey." She squeezes my hand and when I look at her there's a sly grin tugging at her lips. "I think I know how to cheer you up," she says.

I smile a genuine smile at her this time and shake my head. "You don't need to cheer me up. I'm with you… here in the food court, drinking chocolate milk. I'm totally cheerful."

She breathes out a laugh. "Okay, but can I try anyway?"

I nod. "Sure."

"Okay, well… are you still planning on visiting your Dad when school's over?"

"Uh." I rub at my forehead with my free hand. She kind of took me by surprise with that question, I haven't really thought about it since my Mom came back. I definitely still want to do it though. "Yeah," I answer.

"And," she drags the word out, "did you still want me to come with you?"

My eyebrows shoot up and I can't help the grin that takes over my face. "Do you _wanna_ come with me?"

She giggles a little. "Yeah, if the offer still stands."

I can't stop myself from bouncing up and down in my seat a couple of times. "Of course it does!"

Santana giggles even louder and I can see her starting to blush a little. "See, I cheered you up," she says.

I shake my head. "Nope, I was already happy and now I'm even happier."

She rests her cheek on her free hand and her elbow on the table and looks at me bashfully for a moment. "You're a dork," she mumbles.

"Uh-uh, no way," I reply, "I drive around in a flashy car, well, it's _your_ flashy car but that's okay, and Kurt's teaching me how to drink martinis, _and_ I have the hottest girlfriend in the world. That's the opposite of a dork. I'm like… James Bond."

That is true; I do feel a _little_ like James Bond, especially when she lets me drive her car because sometimes I drive on the wrong side of the road like a British person by accident. Or when we take showers together – that's _totally_ Bond.

Santana snorts a laugh. "Well I guess I can't argue with that." She rolls her eyes at me and I relax back in my seat, triumphant.

/

"You _seriously_ don't like the Beach Boys?"

Santana shrugs at me as I place the CD back on the shelf. "They're just way too cheerful," she replies.

I grimace. "If you say so."

She pulls me over a couple of feet to the 'C' section and begins thumbing through Cypress Hill LPs. "This is more like it," she mumbles.

I smile at the side of her face as she picks out a CD and inspects the cover art. I'm glad we decided to come in here – not that I didn't enjoy following Santana around pretty much every clothing store in the complex – I can't remember the last time I actually bought music from a store instead of downloading it, but I like looking at the album covers.

"Hey, what about this?" She stretches a little further to her right and grabs another CD off the shelf before handing it to me.

The cover picture is of a blonde man in handcuffs and Alice Cooper makeup, making obscene gestures with his hands. Apparently his name is Daddy X. "Romantic," I mumble.

"Right?" she giggles as I hand it back to her.

"Britt?"

Santana's head snaps round and my heart jolts at the familiar voice. I turn and it sinks inside my chest as I see Puck marching towards me, a dopey grin plastered on his face.

I should have known this would happen again at some point.

He drags a mortified-looking Quinn with him as he approaches but the nausea really sets in when I notice who's behind them. Sam stands sheepishly next to Mercedes, his hand clasped in hers and both of them looking anywhere but in my direction.

Thankfully they stay where they are instead of following Puck and Quinn.

"C'mere, you!" Puck bellows as he pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. It's brief and when he pulls away he holds me at arm's length for a moment. "I feel like I haven't seen you in years. How are you?" he asks, his smile not fading.

"Um… uh," I clear my throat and shake my head quickly to clear it. My ears are throbbing in time with my heartbeat and I think I'm feeling second-hand embarrassment for Sam; I don't think I've ever seen his face look so red. "I'm good… thanks. You?"

Puck launches into a long-winded answer and I just nod and smile even though his words aren't really going in. I can see Santana hovering beside me out of the corner of my eye and I really want to look at her, but I can't bring myself to do it.

"Hey, we were about to head down to Shooters for drinks, why don't you come?"

Those words, as well as Quinn's reaction, catch my attention again. She ducks her head close to Puck's and mutters a stern, "Noah!" through gritted teeth, but he practically swats her away.

"Look, it's fine. It's all water under the bridge. Right, Sammy?" He throws the last couple of words over his shoulder in Sam and Mercedes' direction but doesn't wait for a response.

"Actually," Santana chimes in to my surprise, "We have somewhere to be, so we really have to go. "C'mon, Britt," she says. She puts a hand between my shoulder blades and begins guiding me firmly out of the store.

I only get a chance to see Puck's flabbergasted expression before they're all out of sight. Once we're out the door Santana moves her hand from my back to my bicep and pulls me along wordlessly, through the clusters of people and all the way out of the mall.

I don't think to ask her what we're doing until we get to the parking lot and by then it's pretty obvious that she wants to go home. I guess that's why she doesn't answer.

I slide into the car first and flinch a bit when Santana closes the driver's side door a little harder than I expect her to. When she doesn't move I find myself staring at the side of her face. Her forehead is creased and her lips are pressed together in a tight line as she stares out of the car at nothing.

It suddenly feels stifling and uncomfortable. I gulp loudly. "Do you want me to drive?" I ask, a little quieter than I mean to. I don't understand why she hasn't started the car yet.

"You let go of my hand," she says flatly without looking at me.

I feel my eyebrows knit together. "Huh?" I say dumbly. She turns to look at me but her expression doesn't change. It makes me squirm and want to shift further away from her.

"When you saw them, you let go of my hand." Her voice trembles a little, like she's having trouble containing how mad she is. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket then and I sigh at the bad timing. I wriggle it out and my eyebrows knit together when I see Quinn's name flashing across the screen. I don't dwell on it for long and quickly press the _ignore_ button because I'm very much preoccupied with Santana right now.

"I-I'm sorry," I stutter. I honestly don't even remember doing that; I was just so surprised to see them all.

"Why?" she asks. "Is it because _he_ was there?"

"Who, Sam? No." I shake my head frantically. "I didn't mean to," I tell her.

"Right, so it was an _accident?_ " she spits, "God, after all the shit you gave me at the aquarium the other day about me not holding your hand in public."

I swallow thickly. I didn't mean to make her feel like she _has_ to hold my hand when I said that stuff, I just wanted her to know how much it means to me when she does, and that I don't want her to be afraid to do it. "You don't have to hold my hand," I mumble as I look down and start nervously toying with the fabric of my pants.

"I know I don't _have_ to," she retorts, "I was trying to make a fucking effort, and you just threw it back in my face! D'you know how long I had to psych myself up to take your hand in the first place? This isn't easy for me, Brittany. I'm trying to be better for you!"

She takes a shaky breath and looks away from me when she's finished and I don't say anything for a few moments because suddenly it doesn't feel like we're just talking about hand-holding anymore. I'm pretty sure most of that just spilled out of her without her permission.

"Santana," I say as softly as I can manage, "How can you be better if you're already perfect?"

She rolls her eyes. "Britt-"

"No," I cut her off, "look, I know that's not really possible, no-one can be perfect. But to me you are, okay? You don't have to _try,_ or change anything, because I don't expect anything from you. And I know you don't expect anything from me either. I think _that's_ why it's easy for us to be around each other, like you said this morning, remember?"

A whimper escapes past her lips and it seems to burst whatever was damming her tears before. She doesn't cry properly, just a few quiet sobs, but watching her still makes my chest ache. I lean forwards and wrap my arms around her. She resists at first but after a moment she sinks into me and lets me hug her. I feel her hands clutch at my shirt and it makes me hug her tighter.

"We're such cry-babies," I whisper in her ear and she lets out a gurgled chuckle.

"Yeah," she sniffles.

"What d'you want me to do?" I ask her. "Do you want me to drive us home? Or we can go somewhere else if you want."

"I don't know," she replies, "I'm sorry."

"That's okay. We can just stay here for a while if you want." She nods against my shoulder and I run my hands softly up and down her back.

"I'm sorry I let go of your hand. I promise I didn't mean to," I tell her.

She sighs and I feel it against my neck. "I believe you, but you're gonna make that up to me, okay?"

I breathe out a laugh because I'm pretty sure she's only being half serious, not that I'm not completely okay with _making it up to her._ Whatever that might entail.

"Okay."


	13. If I Was Brave

**Saturday, March 24th** **2012**

_I've already been showered, dressed and made-up for fifteen minutes when Santana calls me into her bedroom and asks me for my opinion on what she should wear tonight. She spent the best part of the last half an hour curling her hair, and then another half an hour before that applying her make-up. I'm not sure how it could possibly take her so long when she already looks so beautiful without it; I think maybe she just enjoys getting ready more than I do and likes to take her time._

" _I've got it narrowed down to two," she tells me, holding up a pair of dresses by their hangers, one in each hand, as I drop down on the edge of her bed._

_I'm a little distracted by the fact that she's just standing in front of me in her underwear, but I manage to point to the one in her left hand: a flimsy-looking, pale pink number with spaghetti straps. She hardly ever wears light colors like that, but I like it when she does. "I like that one," I tell her._

_She nods in agreement and drapes the rejected dress – black, of course, she always has to have a black option – over the back of the plush armchair next to her dresser._

" _It's just a bar we're going to, right?" I ask her as she slips the pink dress over her head._

" _Uh-huh," she grunts a little with effort as she shimmies into the fabric, "but it's a nice bar. Most of the guys wear suits and the girls wear cocktail dresses and stuff." She moves to inspect herself in the full-length mirror._

 _I look down at my own dress, suddenly self-conscious. "Is_ my _dress okay?" I ask her. It's my favorite, the blue one with the sequins on the bottom that my Dad sent me, although I mostly just wore it tonight because Santana says she likes me in blue. She actually offered to let me borrow one of her dresses since her collection is a lot more extensive than mine, but I knew they would come up short on me so I told her_ no thanks _._

" _Of course, you look really pretty," she replies, making eye contact with me through the mirror. "Can you zip me up?"_

_I push myself up off of the bed and pad across the hardwood towards her. I gently brush her hair over one shoulder and I can't help but press my lips to the back of her neck before I pull the zipper all the way up._

_She turns to me when I'm done and smiles as she drapes her arms over my shoulders. Her smile really is the prettiest thing ever, it makes me want to kiss her so badly, but I refrain from doing so because I don't want to ruin her lipstick._

" _You look nervous," she hushes, "why?"_

_I just shrug at her in response. I didn't really notice I was nervous until she said it, but I guess I am a little._

" _Don't worry, it'll be fine," she says, twirling a piece of my hair around her finger, "you already know Kurt and you've met Blaine. And Amy and Sebastian will be far too busy making fun of me to pay much attention to you anyway." She winks at me and smiles again before pulling away. I turn and watch her with a furrowed brow as she steps past me and walks towards her bedside table where she'd obviously already laid out a selection of earrings before I got in here. She deliberates for a moment before picking out a pair of silver hoops._

" _Why would they be making fun of you?" I ask her._

_She moves back to the mirror to put her earrings in. She has her back to me but I watch her face in the reflection as she rolls her eyes. "Oh, they've been making fun of me since the first day I met you and wouldn't shut up about you over dinner."_

_I blush a little when she says that but it's nothing compared to the way Santana blushes. I like that sometimes she forgets herself around me and lets things like that slip. I like it because I know it means she feels comfortable._

" _Amy's the one you dated, right?" I change the subject because I don't want her to feel embarrassed._

" _Mm-hm," she nods and turns to me once she's fastened the second earring in place. She links her fingers with mine and swings our joined hands between us._

" _It won't be awkward, will it?" I ask. The last thing I want is to make this evening uncomfortable for anyone._

_She shakes her head. "No, not at all. That's ancient history, Britt, I told you. It lasted like, three weeks when I was home from college one summer."_

_I nod. She's told me that before but it's still reassuring to hear._

" _Besides," she steps closer to me with a smirk on her face, "she's not really my type… I like blondes," she whispers the last part and closes the space between us, pressing her lips ever-so-gently to mine. I feel tingles more than actual contact, I think she was trying to not ruin our makeup. I grin at her as she pulls away, even though my own insecurity wasn't really what I was worried about when I asked._

_If there's one thing in my life I feel secure about right now, it's my relationship with Santana._

_She smiles back at me but then quickly composes herself with a deep, huffed out breath. "We should call the cab, Kurt always bitches when I'm late," she says_

_I nod at her and let her pull me out of the room by our still-linked hands._

_/_

_Forty-five minutes later our taxi pulls up outside a cocktail bar called Monty's. I try to pay the fare but Santana beats me to it and when I argue she just tells me I can buy her a drink once we're inside._

_It only takes about five minutes after walking through the door for me to realize how unwarranted my concerns about Amy were. She greets me like an old friend and insists I sit next to her at the table the four of them have already procured. She seems excited to meet me and it makes me excited too. I was a little excited anyway because I've never been to a bar this fancy before._

_Santana sits on my other side and Kurt, Blaine and Sebastian sit opposite us. Kurt immediately begins quizzing Santana about her dress, which he apparently hasn't seen before. He tells her she looks angelic and then he yelps because, I guess, Santana must have kicked him under the table._

_The waitress takes our drinks orders a few minutes later and then Kurt, Blaine and Santana launch into a discussion about Kurt being Rachel and Finn's official wedding planner now and how Santana thinks he's wasting a perfect opportunity for sabotage. Sebastian doesn't contribute much to the conversation besides the odd, off-hand comment, but his constant, unwavering smile as he watches the others talk puts me at ease in a way that I wasn't expecting._

" _You've turned her into a complete pansy, you know?" Amy says, just loud enough for me to hear right after our drinks have arrived. It takes me by surprise a little because it's the first thing she's said to me since she greeted me when we arrived._

_I turn to her once I'm sure the others are too engaged in their conversation again to be listening. "What d'you mean?" I ask._

_She shrugs and runs her fingers through her shoulder-length red hair before answering. I notice for the first time that she looks a little like she could be that lady from the X-files' daughter or younger sister or something, but I quickly shake that thought from my head because the title sequence from that show used to give me nightmares when I was little._

" _She's just… different. I dunno," she responds. Her hazel eyes study me for a moment and then her face breaks into a smile, as if she changed her mind about what she was going to say, "She's a lot more fun to be around, that's for sure." She says that part deliberately louder than the rest and I see Santana's head snap round out of the corner of my eye._

" _Yeah, 'cause you're always_ super _fun to be around," she quips back, "Especially when you do that thing where you correct peoples' grammar. Have I ever told you how much everybody loves it when you do that? Seriously, Britt, she's a hoot."_

_Amy rolls her eyes and I giggle and look down at my drink. Once Santana turns away again and I'm sure she's not still listening I look back at Amy. "I always think she's fun to be around," I tell her._

_She rolls her eyes again. "Please stop, you're gonna make me puke."_

_/_

**Wednesday, May 30th** **2012**

I wake up to the feel of something tickling across my chest. I feel my face scrunch up a little and I clear my scratchy throat as I crack my eyes open. Santana's room comes slowly into focus, the sunlight pouring in through the gauzy curtains, and I suddenly realize it's her hair that's tickling me as she kisses down my neck.

I feel a lazy smile tug at my lips. "What're you doing?" I mumble groggily.

"Waking you up with kisses," she answers. I feel her lips move against my skin as she talks, "I like it when you do that to me."

I can see why she would; this really is a very nice way to wake up. The _best_ way to wake up.

"You never wake up before me." I bring my fists up to rub at my eyes as her kisses trail from my neck to my shoulder.

"I had to pee," she says.

"Hot."

She giggles and finally pulls her lips away from my skin. She leans on one elbow and looks down at me as her other hand strokes up and down my arm.

"You're in a better mood this morning," I say as I squeeze my eyes shut and arch my back in a stretch. When I look at her again, she looks a little sheepish.

"I feel better this morning," she says, "I was being stupid yesterday. I overreacted."

I shake my head and pull her down on top of me so that we can cuddle properly. I feel her silently giggle against my chest. "No you didn't," I tell her. After the little incident in her car she didn't even bring any of it up again. She _was_ super quiet all evening and if she hadn't asked me to stay over I probably would've assumed she wanted me to go home, but she definitely didn't overreact.

I texted my Mom to tell her I wouldn't be coming home after Santana asked me to stay, but she didn't text back. So I guess I can look forward to her being mad at me later.

Santana and I are quiet for a few moments. I let my eyes drift closed with a sleepy smile on my face as I slip the hand I have on Santana's hip under her tank top and begin tracing lazy circles over her skin.

I'm pretty sure these mornings I have with her are my favorite thing ever.

"Hey, Britt?" she murmurs quietly.

"Mm."

"I've been meaning to ask you, what did your brother say when you told him about us?" Her breath hits my skin as she talks and she starts fiddling with the material at the front of my sleep shirt.

I feel my smile fade but I still don't open my eyes. I'm far too relaxed. "What d'you mean?"

"Well, you said you called him, right? Just before you told your Mom. What did he say?" she asks.

"Oh, well I didn't really have to tell him," I reply, "he already knew. I think he's known for a while. I mean, it sort of always seemed like he did."

Her hand goes still and just rests on my tummy. "You knew he knew?"

I smile again because the way she said that sounded funny. "Yeah, like, whenever he called or we hung out he would ask me how you were. He doesn't ask me how my other friends are, except maybe Tina sometimes. He always used to ask how Sam was too before we broke up."

I feel her nod against my chest. "So, you're okay with him knowing?"

"Mm-hm, I like it when he asks about you 'cause I like talking about you."

She lifts her head up then and I open my eyes to find her looking down at me with a cocked eyebrow. "Is that so?" she mutters under her breath. I can't help the grin the pulls at my lips as I nod at her.

Just when I'm expecting her to say something playfully snarky, she instead slides her leg over my stomach so that she's straddling my hips, with her hands planted either side of my head. My body immediately reacts to her warmth and proximity and my hands go to her waist.

She glances briefly at the clock on her bedside table before leaning down and burying her face in the crook of my neck. I tilt my head back to give her more room and close my eyes as she begins pressing kisses there.

It makes me squirm when she rests more of her weight against me and I feel her boobs push into mine. My hands slip under her tank top and swim over her warm back and I shudder and grip at her shoulders when she bites down gently at my pulse point. "You know, we still have like, a half hour before we have to get up," she whispers against my skin. She moves her hips against me as she speaks and I let out a shaky sigh.

"So, you wanna go back to sleep?"

She giggles into my neck and I smile because it tickles.

"Not exactly what I had in mind."

/

The first thing Rachel does when I find her in the teachers' lounge once we get to work is apologize for yesterday. The second thing she does is ask me if she can give me a hug.

I, of course, tell her, "yes," and then watch Santana over her shoulder as she rolls her eyes and pours herself a cup of coffee. She doesn't hug me for long, probably because there are other teachers around, and when she lets go she apologizes to Santana too.

She just mutters a, "Whatever," into her coffee cup and then Rachel leaves us alone to go sit with Emma and Will on one of the couches.

The day is a lot more relaxed and comfortable than I was anticipating after that, probably due to Rachel's apology. It's the first day this week that actually feels like just a _normal_ day at work. She gives me a banana at recess as usual and talks my ear off about her wedding.

It's refreshing.

When school's over Rachel even tells me that she'll clean up and that I can go early and I jump at the offer. I head straight for the schoolyard because I know that Santana will be out there with the kids who are still waiting to be picked up.

When I get outside I find that the only kid left waiting from Santana's class is Katie. She squeals my name as soon as she spots me and lets go of Santana's hand to run in my direction. She throws herself into my arms when she reaches me and I groan with effort as I lift her up.

"God, you're getting heavy," I tell her as I carry her back towards Santana.

"Well, I'm almost a teenager," she tells me, matter-of-factly.

I snort. "Not quite, squirt."

Santana smiles at me as we approach her and when I've put Katie down I lean towards her to peck her on the cheek. I stop abruptly when her eyes widen and then quickly pull away from her again when I remember where we are.

"Sorry," I mumble, shaking my head at my own stupidity.

"It's okay." It comes out fast and quiet and she quickly rubs my shoulder as she says it.

I'm happy for the distraction when Katie spots Richard walking across the playground towards us and takes off towards him the same way she did with me a moment ago. He picks her up too and carries her towards us.

"I'm not late, am I?" he says to Santana with a furrowed brow when he's close enough.

"No, no," she shakes her head, "I think everybody else must've been early today.

He nods at her. "That's good." Then he turns to me. "I've been trying to call you for days, Britt," he says, frowning.

I give him a sheepish smile. "Sorry, I kept forgetting to call you back."

He rolls his eyes and sets Katie down again. "Why don't you go play on the jungle gym for a minute?" he says to her.

She scowls up at him. "Why?"

"Just for a minute, Honey."

She hesitates for a moment and then huffs and turns around. I watch her as she walks slowly at first and then breaks into a jog when she spots another couple of kids playing on the jungle gym too.

"You're letting your mother stay with you?" My attention snaps back to Richard when he speaks.

"Um, yeah. How did you-"

"Ryan told me," he cuts me off, "Why are you letting her stay with you, Britt? That's not your responsibility."

I shrug at him. "I don't think she had anywhere else to go."

He huffs out a breath. "That's not your problem."

I just shrug again and don't say anything. I'm pretty sure anyone in my family not having a place to go is my problem.

He sighs. "She can come home."

I see Santana's head snap up out of the corner of my eye but I don't look at her. "I thought you didn't want her home…" I say.

"Well, I don't want _you_ feeling like you have to take care of her. That's not fair. So she can come home, okay?" he replies.

I look down and scuff my shoe back and forth across the floor. I decide not to argue and tell him I never felt like I _had_ to do anything, because I know this is the right thing to do and all that stuff doesn't matter anymore. "I think Katie would like that," I mumble.

"About that," he says, stepping a little closer to me to make our conversation more discreet, "Katie doesn't know she's back yet. I'd really like a chance to talk to her before she sees your Mom again."

I nod at him and I'm about to tell him that he can just pick my Mom up tomorrow if he wants and if it's okay with her, when Santana pipes up.

"We could just go pick her up when we're done here and bring her over to your place in my car if you want. That'll give you like, a couple hours alone with Katie," she says.

Richard looks over at the jungle gym for a moment and then back at Santana as he rubs at his temple with his hand. "Are you sure that's okay?" he asks.

She nods. "Of course, it's fine." I can tell she was _trying_ to sound chirpy when she said that.

"Okay, well that'd be great," he replies. "That okay with you, Britt?"

"Mm-hm," I nod. I guess it does sound like the best solution.

"Okay, well I'll see you in a couple hours, then. Just make sure she knows she's sleeping on the couch." He pulls me into a quick hug when he's finished talking and then pats Santana on the shoulder before leaving.

"You didn't have to offer to do that," I say, turning to Santana once he's gone.

She shrugs. "I wanted to."

I smile at her and she smiles back. "Well, thanks... I think she'd prefer to ride with us than Richard anyway."

She rolls her eyes at me. "I'm not doing it for her, Britt, I'm doing it for you. You need her out of your apartment."

I'm a little taken aback by the blunt way she says it but before I get a chance to reply she turns on her heels and heads back towards the school's main entrance. I stay still for a few moments before I shake my head to clear it and follow her inside.

/

I call my Mom while we're driving home to let her know what's going on. She sounds a little subdued when she first answers but then happier once I tell her that she can go back to her own house now. I think she's really been missing Katie. If she was mad at me about not coming home last night or sneaking out the night before, she doesn't mention it.

"You'll still see her and stuff," Santana says gently after I hang up, "Like, you'll still get a chance to talk to her if you want to."

I smile at her even though she's got her eyes on the road. "It's okay, I told you, I don't mind leaving things the way they are," I tell her.

She sighs. "Yeah, but I think you do."

I just shrug in response and she's quiet for a few moments.

"Sorry," she says quietly, "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I just…" she huffs out a breath, "there's never enough time, you know? To do all the things you wanna do and fix all the things you wanna fix. So if you have the chance to make something right, you should take it."

I nod and look down at my hands as I pick at my nails.

"I just don't want you to look back one day and regret not trying, Britt. It's just the worst feeling ever, regretting stuff, 'cause there's nothing at all you can do about it."

We come to a stop at a red light then and I use the momentary break to take Santana's hand across the center console. "Do you regret leaving things the way you did with your Mom?" I ask.

"No," her answer is immediate and she shakes her head, "I mean, maybe a little, but it's mostly other stuff. I dunno."

"What kind of stuff?"

She takes her hand away from mine as the light turns green and waves it dismissively as we start moving again. "Nothing. It's not the point anyway."

I nod. "Okay." I'm not going to force her to talk about it if she doesn't want to. I do wish she would trust me a little more though. "You don't like my Mom much, do you?" I say instead. Santana's eyebrows scrunch together but she keeps staring forwards and doesn't answer. "I mean, just 'cause of what you said about not doing this for her."

She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't like the way she treats you, and I _really_ don't like the way she spoke to me the other day. But that doesn't mean I don't like _her_ , I barely know her."

I nod again. "Did she upset you when she said that stuff?"

Santana's quiet for a moment before she answers. "No, she just pissed me off. What she said was really fucking… _ignorant_." She shakes her head.

I don't say anything else after that and neither does Santana. I just try my hardest to ignore the way my heart rattles and thumps erratically against my rib cage at her words as we keep on driving.

/

My Mom is already packed and ready to go once we get to my apartment. She hugs me when I first get inside and it's so surreal that I don't really register it until it's over.

I put it down to her being excited about seeing Katie.

She only has one suitcase with her and she carries it downstairs herself, even after I offer to take it for her. Santana puts it in the trunk when we get to her car and I slide into the back seat so that my Mom can sit in the front.

The journey is uncomfortably quiet after that, almost silent in fact, apart from an awkwardly mumbled, "Thank you," from my Mom to Santana when we're about halfway there. Santana puts on the radio after that but it doesn't do much to ease the tension.

I feel a pressure around my chest ease off when we finally pull up outside Richard's house. Santana and my Mom get out of the car first and by the time I manage to heave myself out of the back seat and onto the street, Katie is flinging the front door open and tearing down the path towards the sidewalk practically screeching, "Mommy, Mommy!" at the top of her lungs. Richard trails reluctantly behind her.

I stand by the car and I can't help but grin as my Mom wraps Katie in a tight hug. They both look so happy. "I've missed you, baby girl," I hear my Mum mumble into Katie's hair.

Santana comes and stands next to me once she's got my Mom's suitcase out of the trunk, but she doesn't say anything.

My Mom hesitantly pulls away from Katie – who's already badgering her about what presents she brought back from her vacation - after a couple of minutes and stands up to face Richard. They both look at each other awkwardly for a moment before Richard asks, "Did you have luggage or anything?"

"Oh," my Mom suddenly seems to remember me and Santana standing behind her, "Right here." She goes to take the suitcase from Santana but before she can Katie barges past her and takes it instead.

"I'll take it in the house for you, Mommy," she chirps.

Santana giggles quietly as Katie prises the suitcase handle from her hands and begins dragging it behind her up the garden path.

Once she's safely inside the house, Richard shakes his head with a small smile on his face and turns to Santana. "I've been meaning to tell you how much I like your car," he says, obviously trying to put off the inevitable confrontation with my Mom.

Santana breathes out a laugh and scuffs her foot back and forth across the floor. "Thanks," she says.

"S C four-thirty, right?" He steps past us and moves to the front of the car, trailing his fingers over the bonnet.

"Uh-huh," Santana nods and follows him and they begin nattering to each other about, I guess, car stuff.

I turn back to my Mom and I'm surprised to find that she's already looking at me, her arms folded tightly across her chest and her lips pressed together in a thin, tight line. She looks on edge.

"Hey, Mom, can I talk to you for a second?" My heart beats faster just at those words and I gulp down my apprehension.

"Sure," she shrugs.

I put my hand on her arm and lead her a tiny bit further away from Santana and Richard, so that we're just out of earshot.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Um, well," I ring my hands together, "I think you should apologize to Santana."

She raises her eyebrows but other than that her expression doesn't change. "Excuse me?"

I clear my throat to stop my voice from shaking so much. "The other day, when we were talking, you weren't very nice to her. You should say sorry."

She doesn't say anything for a moment and I'm forced to look down at my feet because of how hot her gaze was making me feel. I only notice her stepping closer to me because I hear her feet scuff against the ground. "Look, Brittany," she says it quietly but I can tell by the way her voice sounds that she has her teeth gritted, "I'm really grateful for everything you've done for me the past few days, _more_ than grateful, but I am still your Mother, and I will _not_ let my own child talk to me that way. Not now, not ever. Do you understand me?"

I don't say anything because I don't think I do understand. I can feel my face burning and I'm not sure if it's because I'm embarrassed or because I'm so mad that she's not listening to me. This is important. _Santana_ is important.

She turns to walk away when I don't respond and I instinctively put my hand on her arm to stop her. I can feel _both_ of my hands shaking as she turns to face me again.

"No," I say, not nearly as forceful as I want, but still louder than before, "I want you to apologize to my girlfriend for being rude to her."

Her eyes get wider but it doesn't really register because suddenly I notice that Richard and Santana have stopped talking. When I look at them they're already staring back at us.

I let my hand drop from my Mom's arm back to my side and I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in my ears. Richard looks more embarrassed on my behalf than surprised but Santana has turned a sickly shade of gray.

I gulp loudly but before anybody gets a chance to say anything Katie comes bounding back out of the house. "D'you have any more bags, Mommy?" she calls out.

My Mom huffs out a breath and finally walks away from me so that she can meet Katie halfway. "No, Honey. Just the one."

"Okay," Katie replies as my Mom scoops her up into another hug.

Richard clears his throat loudly then and begins making his way back towards the house, "We should get back inside, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner," he calls over his shoulder.

My Mom doesn't respond but follows him silently, still carrying Katie. Richard stops by the front door and lets them go inside first before turning back to me and Santana.

"Thanks, girls. I really appreciate the help," he says through a pressed smile. Santana nods and I don't do anything and then Richard turns and walks into the house, closing the door softly behind him.

I'm not sure how long we stand there in silence after that, but it probably seems like longer than it is. I stare down at my feet because I can't bring myself to look at Santana. I can't believe I just embarrassed us both in front of my family like that. I really didn't mean for anybody else to hear.

I reflexively look up when I hear Santana's shoes shuffling across the ground towards me. She doesn't look anywhere near as pale as she did a moment ago, and I'm pretty sure there's an almost-smile tugging at her lips. It reduces my anxiety tenfold.

She wordlessly holds out her hand, her smile growing a little, and I take it without hesitating and let her lead me back to her car.

I slide into passenger side and close the door behind me while Santana locks the trunk again. She joins me after a few moments, slumping down in the driver's seat and not making any move to start the engine just yet. I'm expecting her to say something about what I did, maybe tell me that I shouldn't have done it or I should have chosen my words more carefully or something. But instead of doing any of those things, she starts laughing, softly at first but then harder and with her eyes closed.

Her smile is so big that it makes her dimples sink into her cheeks. It makes me smile too but I don't laugh like she is, I'm far too confused to do that.

"Why are you laughing?" I ask her.

She takes a couple of deep breaths and tries to compose herself before answering, wiping away a few stray tears carefully from the corners of her eyes. "I just can't believe you picked that exact moment to start standing up to your Mom," she answers, her smiling starting to fade a little.

I look down at my hands and start picking at my nails. "Sorry," I mumble.

"No," she reaches across and prises my hands apart so that she can hold the one closest to her. "Please don't be sorry, I'm really proud of you for doing that," she says.

I feel a little smile pulling at my lips at that. "Really?" I look at her and she nods. Her smile is much softer now.

"Yeah," she replies, "It felt really good actually, having you stick up for me."

I sigh. "I should've done it sooner," I tell her.

She shakes her head and pulls her hand away from mine so that she can put it on my cheek. It makes me lean closer to her. "That's not who you are, Britt. And that's okay. I like how gentle you are."

I smile and turn my face so that I can kiss her palm. Santana strokes her thumb across my cheek quickly and then pulls her hand away from me so that she can start the car, shooting me one last sweet smile before we pull away from the curb.

We've been driving for a good few minutes in comfortable silence when my phone suddenly buzzes in my pocket and shakes me out of the peaceful daze I'd fallen into. I wriggle it out and my brow furrows when I see that I have a text message from Quinn. All of a sudden I remember the missed call from her yesterday and I quickly open the message to find out what she wants.

_Hey. I know this is kinda out of the blue, but do you maybe wana get lunch this Saturday? Just the two of us. We can catch up and stuff. Let me know – Quinn x_

I read it over and over, not quite taking in the words, until Santana breaks my concentration.

"Who's that?" she asks.

I really do consider telling her for a moment, but then I realize that if I do, she'll want to know what my answer is going to be and I really have no idea yet. I don't have a clue why Quinn would suddenly want to go to lunch with me now when we haven't spoken in months. Plus, the last thing I want to do is ruin Santana's good mood, she's seemed so happy since we got back in the car.

I back out of the message and slide the phone back into my pocket, making a mental note to myself to tell Santana the truth as soon as I know what I'm going to do.

"It's nobody," I reply.


	14. Things That Just Won't Change

**Saturday, June 2nd** **2012**

I'm not sure if it's because I'm anxious about my lunch date with Quinn, or because Santana has been acting a little strangely for the past few days, but for the first time since I've known her, I really don't feel comfortable in her apartment.

I'm actually looking forward to leaving.

She hasn't said a word to me this morning apart from when we first woke up and she told me she was going to take a shower. I was half expecting her to ask me to come with her – she usually does when we have time – but no such luck, so I showered and got ready in the bathroom that was mine and Katie's when we were staying here.

Santana grumbles a, "Thanks," at me as I set a mug of coffee down in front of her and join her at the kitchen table, and then we fall back into the same stagnant silence as before for a few moments. It makes me fidget and shuffle uncomfortably in my seat, which in turn seems to aggravate Santana because she frowns at me.

"What's wrong?" she asks. She sounds impatient and I just shrug at her because I don't want to lie and say _nothing_ , but I also don't actually know what's wrong. I thought _she_ might know.

Her face softens a little. "You know don't _have_ to go for this lunch with Quinn, right?"

I nod at her. "Yeah, I know."

She lets out a heavy sigh before taking a sip of coffee and gulping it down hard. "So… you're going because you _want_ to go?"

I shrug again. "Yeah, I guess. We were sort of friends once." In all honesty, I only really said yes because I didn't want to be rude. Not that I don't like Quinn, we really _were_ friends once and she's never been anything but sweet to me, but we were never very good at having conversations with each other. I don't really understand why she's asked to meet up with me just so that we can talk when it was always so difficult for us, but I guess we'll have our food to distract us if things get awkward.

"That doesn't mean you have to see her now," Santana mutters under her breath.

She looks away from me and takes another sip of coffee and I feel my brow furrow. I must have asked her at least fifty times since Wednesday evening – when I first told her about Quinn's text – if she was okay with this, and every time she said _yes_.

I would cancel in a heartbeat if she said she didn't want me to go, and I know she knows that. I know she and Quinn have _history,_ for lack of a better word.

I feel like I'm missing something that should be obvious.

"If you don't want me to go-"

"I told you, it's fine," she cuts me off.

I gulp and nod. I'm really not used to her directing that tone at me, it's usually reserved for Rachel or the waiting staff at Breadstix or anybody who happens to look at her the wrong way during her special lady-time of the month.

"You're going for pizza with Kurt and Blaine anyway, right?"

"Mm-hm." She gives a curt nod and I nod back.

"Are you going to Marcelo's?"

"Yeah," she replies without looking at me, and then she gets up, still holding her mug of coffee, walks away from the table and dumps the contents into the sink. I feel my eyebrows knit together.

"You should've said if you didn't want it," I tell her. I try to smile when she turns around but the way she's still frowning at me makes me suck my lips into my mouth instead.

"Well you gave it to me without asking," she retorts. I nod at her because I guess that is true.

"Okay."

The room is quiet again for a few moments before Santana moves tentatively back towards the table. She huffs out a breath as she drops back down into her chair and then folds her hands tightly together on the table top. I don't think I've ever seen her look so tense and it makes me want to go and put my arms around her and squeeze her until she loosens up.

"I just don't get why she suddenly wants to hang out now. You haven't seen each other in months, it's stupid," she says suddenly.

I lift my shoulders up and down in a shrug. "I think she just wants to catch up. That's what she said."

"No." She shakes her head but doesn't elaborate.

"What?" I ask gently.

She lets out a heavy sigh. "There's a reason. She's Quinn Fabray – there's always a fucking reason."

It's almost resigned, the way she says it. She looks as if she's ready to either curl into a ball or explode and take the entire world down with her and just watching her makes my chest ache a little. I slide my hand across the table and put it in hers and she squeezes back instantly.

"I'm gonna call her and cancel, okay?" I tell her.

I go to stand up but Santana's grip on my hand tightens and she pulls me back down into my seat. "No," she says firmly. "I told you, I don't care if you go."

I swallow thickly and mumble out an, "Okay," because if that isn't what's wrong I really have no clue what is. My legs bob up and down nervously under the table as Santana slips her hand out of mine and stands up again.

"What time is she picking you up?" she asks as she leans against the kitchen counter and crosses her arms tightly over her chest.

"She said around twelve, but she's picking me up from my building so I should probably go now, I guess," I answer.

Santana nods. "Are you coming back here after?" She refuses to meet my eyes as she says it which I'm pretty sure either means she really _wants_ me to come back here after, or she really _doesn't_.

I kind of wish I knew which.

"I should probably go home, I need to buy food and clean and stuff," I tell her. She keeps looking down at her feet and doesn't say anything back. "But I could come over later tonight if you wanted?"

She looks up at me and gives me a small smile. "If you want to," she says.

I stand up then and my chair scrapes across the floor as I push it underneath the table. I walk over to Santana and lean in to kiss her on the cheek when I'm close enough. "I'll see you later then?" I say.

"Okay," she mumbles back. I go to turn and walk away but Santana's fingers close around my wrist and she stops me. "Britt…" Her brow furrows and she tenses up.

"Yeah?" I prompt her when she doesn't continue.

"Just…" She waits a few moments and I hear her gulp, "Don't forget your phone," she finishes.

I'm about eighty-five per cent sure that isn't what she wanted to say, but I smile and nod at her anyway. "It's already in my purse," I tell her.

"Okay." She smiles at me but it's strained.

I tell her, "Goodbye," one more time and then I leave her in the kitchen.

/

I spot Quinn's fancy red car right away as I round the corner onto my street. I pick up my pace and quickly check my watch to make sure I'm not late, even though I know I'm not.

When I get to the car I tap on the passenger side window and Quinn waves me inside without looking up from her phone. She's wearing a cream, floral sundress with a mustard cardigan over the top and I'm not sure if it's new or old. I've always thought that if I ever looked inside Quinn's closet it would just be row after row of the same outfit.

As soon as I get in her perfume hits me like a freight train and sends my mind reeling. I suddenly get a vivid mental image in my head of after-work drinks with her and Puck and Sam, or hanging out at mine or Puck's apartment on Saturday afternoons.

I shake my head to clear it because memories like that always give me an unpleasant gnawing sensation in my stomach.

"You weren't waiting long, were you?" I ask.

She shakes her head and then slips her phone into the holder on the dashboard. "No, you're right on time," she says. She gives me a quick, tight-lipped smile before turning her key in the ignition which I take as my cue to fasten my seatbelt.

"I've made reservations at Breadstix," she says as we pull away from the curb.

"Cool," I reply. It actually makes me a little uneasy that we're going to Breadstix for lunch. It's kind of pricey and if I'm going to spend every scrap of extra money I have on going out for a meal, I'd rather I was doing it with Santana.

We make small talk for most of the drive over. Well, Quinn does, but it's still more conversation than we usually have. She asks me how I am and if I'm still working at the school and if Katie is doing okay and for the most part I just give her the shortest answers possible and ask her similar questions back. It's not that I don't _want_ to talk to her or anything; I've just never really felt that comfortable around Quinn. She actually makes me feel a sort of diluted version of what I feel when I'm with my Mom and I never know what's okay to say to her.

"Here we are," she huffs out as we pull into the Bredstix parking lot. "Have you ever been to Breadstix before?" she asks.

"Mm-hm," I nod and then feel my eyebrows scrunch together. She must have forgotten…

"Right." I see her shake her head out of the corner of my eye, "Puck and I ran into you in here that time."

"Yeah," I say quietly. I guess she _hasn't_ forgotten.

"You were with Santana," she states. She parks the car and switches off the engine and then I can feel her looking at me as I unfasten my seatbelt. I look back at her but only for a moment because her gaze makes me squirm in my seat. I swear she could freeze time with that look.

When Quinn wants the world to pay attention, it does.

We get a window seat once we're inside the restaurant, which I'm glad for. I like being able to see outside. The waitress hands us our menus – although I already know I'm getting a garden salad – and takes our drinks orders before leaving us alone.

I watch Quinn as she looks over her menu in silence for a few minutes until the waitress comes back with our drinks and asks us what we want to eat. She takes our menus from us after we've ordered and I take a big gulp of my coke – half wishing there was something a little stronger in it – right after she leaves.

"Are you sure you just want a salad?" Quinn asks me.

"Uh-huh," I nod at her.

She clicks her tongue before taking an experimental sip of her Shirley Temple and setting it back down on the table. "Well, you're missing out. The ravioli here is really good."

I shrug my shoulders and smile. "I like salad."

We sit in silence for a few moments after that, and I'm _really_ glad we got a window seat. I like watching the people bustling around outside. It distracts me from thinking about Santana and how uncomfortable this morning was. I really want to call her but I know she's probably out with Kurt and Blaine by now, plus it would probably be a little rude on my part to make a phone call while I'm having lunch with somebody.

Quinn's eyes dart quickly away from me when I turn back to her. I think she was looking at me. "How's Sam?" I blurt out. I'm not sure why I ask it right then, I guess I _was_ planning to ask at some point. It would feel good, somehow, knowing that Sam's happy. Since I'm so happy with Santana.

She looks a little surprised that I asked, but she gives me a pressed smile and answers nonetheless. "He's good. That gym finally hired him." She rolls her eyes.

"Really?" I grin and feel calmness wash over me, "He's been wanting to work there forever."

"Mm-hm." She nods and takes another sip of her drink. "And he's still dating Mercedes, but you probably guessed that."

Something about the way she says it makes it makes me hesitate for a moment before I respond. I wasn't sure what Santana meant earlier when she said that there's always a reason with Quinn, but the words she just said sounded deliberate, somehow. Even though I know they couldn't be really, since I'm the one who brought Sam up in the first place.

I nod at her. "Yeah I figured."

"You know, I thought it was pretty shitty, what he did to you," she says. Her gaze makes me want to look away again, but I don't.

"It's okay," I shrug. I honestly haven't thought about it in a while, even when I saw Sam the other day, it's not what came into my head.

She raises her eyebrows at me. "If you say so," she says, "but if Puck ever did that to me there'd be hell to pay."

I shrug at her again and sip at my coke.

"I can totally understand why someone might do something a little crazy if that happened to them, though," she continues. "I mean, when it happened to my Aunt, she swore off men for good. Although I don't think she stuck to it for long."

I feel my heart rate pick up in my chest a little and I have to gulp down my mouthful of coke hard. "…Okay," I mumble.

She goes quiet for a moment and looks down at her drink as she swirls her straw around in the glass. My heart seems to beat quicker with each passing second.

"You know, Santana and I were pretty close once," she says, looking back up at me, and I get a momentary break from how uncomfortable I feel in favor of confusion because that isn't exactly how Santana tells it. "There are probably a lot of things you don't know about her."

I open my mouth to say something back but she cuts me off before I can.

"You were holding hands," she states.

My mouth slams shut and I feel my face get really, really hot. I bob my head up and down tentatively. "We're… together," I tell her. My chest squeezes as soon as I say it.

She nods. "I figured."

"Did the others see us holding hands?" I can't help but ask it, mostly because I don't want Sam to think I did anything behind his back with Santana while we were still together. I would hate for him to think I lied about anything.

"I don't think so," she answers, "If they did, they haven't mentioned it to me."

I let out a relieved breath. "Do they know you're having lunch with me now?"

"Just Puck, but it's not a secret, is it?"

I shake my head. "No, I just wondered."

She nods and then sighs heavily. "Look, I'm not going to pry, Brittany. I'll admit, I'm a little confused as to why you're dating a girl, but that's neither here nor there. It's the girl you've chosen to date that's the problem."

I feel my brow furrow. "P-problem?" I stutter. I shake my head because I really wasn't expecting her to say anything like that. At least not so quickly.

"I know she's probably told you her side of things already, but I just… I think you deserve to know what she's really like. People like Santana use people like you as doormats, Brittany. I know that's probably not what you wanna hear, but it would've been wrong for me not to warn you."

I look down at my hands as I wring them on the table top. I don't understand what she's talking about; _she's_ the one who did bad stuff to Santana in high school, not the other way around.

And it's not like I was going to bring it up or anything, they were just kids when that happened. Everyone does stupid stuff when they're kids.

"Santana told me-"

"That I _outed_ her?" she cuts me off and I give her a tentative nod. "Hm, bet she left out the part where she outed me first, huh?"

I feel my eyes go wide and when I open my mouth to speak, my throat seems to close up around the words. "Uh…" is all I manage to get out.

Quinn is quick to wave her hand dismissively and shake her head. "No, not like that," she says, and then looks around us as if to make sure nobody is listening. She huffs out a breath before almost whispering, "I got pregnant, sophomore year."

I try not to look surprised, but I don't think it works because Quinn rolls her eyes at me. "I know - not my finest hour," she mumbles. "Anyway, Santana's Mom took me to the clinic to get it… taken care of. There's no way my parents would've allowed me to do that, I didn't know who else to turn to. Santana was supposed to be my friend."

"Okay," I nod reluctantly, "So… Santana told people?"

"She told _everyone_. The other girls on the squad, our cheer coach. She didn't actually _tell_ my parents but it got back to them. All because she wanted to be head fucking cheerleader. She's ridiculous. I had sex _once,_ " she whispers that part through gritted teeth, "and I got knocked up. She slept with every guy on the damn football team and never had so much as a scare." She shakes her head and I look down at my drink.

"I don't know why you're telling me this," I mumble.

She sighs and when I look back at her, her expression has softened a little. "I told you, I would've felt guilty if I didn't at least _try_ to warn you. She's not a nice person, Britt. She'll do anything to get what she wants. Fucking people over is just a means to an end for her."

I shake my head. I _know_ that isn't true. "You were really young. She made a mistake. And you did bad stuff to her too." It comes out quieter than I mean for it to.

She rolls her eyes again. "Look, I never meant for that to get so out of hand. I still think what she did was worse, she _meant_ for everybody to find out. I only told a couple of people and it just spread."

I shrug and start wringing my hands again. "I don't think she's mad anymore, maybe you should stop being mad too. Being mad doesn't feel good."

"I'm not mad, Brittany. Frankly, I have more important things to worry about than shit Santana Lopez did to me in high school. I just wanted you to know the truth."

I nod at her, because I guess it's sweet of her to care. "Okay," I mumble.

The waitress chooses that moment to bring us our food and the little bubble we were in while we were talking seems to burst. Quinn smiles sweetly and thanks her as she sets a bowl of ravioli and my salad down on the table in front of us.

I'm half expecting Quinn to pick up the conversation again once she leaves, but instead, she picks up her fork without looking at me and starts eating.

So I do the same.

/

"So, did you wanna do this again?" Quinn turns to me after we pull up outside my building.

She didn't bring up any of the stuff about Santana again after our food came, and I was more than glad. She actually acted bizarrely normal, making more small talk and asking if I wanted dessert when we were finished eating. I of course said _no_ , so we split the bill and left.

I just shrug at her in response to her question because in all honesty, I really don't want to see her again. Santana would probably have an aneurysm if I did.

"I'd just really like it if we could be friends," she says.

I look at her and smile genuinely. Quinn really is one of the sweetest people I've ever known. She's just so aggressive about it I think it's hard to see sometimes.

"Me too," I reply, and feel a pang of guilt because I don't know how I'm supposed to be friends with someone I have no intention of seeing again.

When I get out of the car I stand on the sidewalk and wave at her as she pulls away. Once the car is out of sight I turn and look up at my apartment building for approximately five seconds before deciding to go to Santana's instead.

Cleaning and grocery shopping be damned.

When I get to her building the doors are locked and the lobby is dark, I guess the security guard went home early, so I have to press the buzzer. She takes a little while to answer and I wonder briefly if she might still be out with Kurt and Blaine, but then her voice comes over the intercom and I smile.

" _Hello?"_

"Hey, it's me," I say.

" _Oh… uh, I thought you were going home after lunch_."

I shrug even though she can't see me. "I wanted to see you now," I tell her.

She pauses for a moment. " _Okay, I'll buzz you in. My door's unlocked_."

She clicks off and I push the heavy glass door open when I hear the buzzer. An old man I've seen here a couple of times before steps out of the elevator as soon as I step into the lobby and I roll my eyes because if he was a few seconds earlier I wouldn't have had to disturb Santana at all.

He holds the elevator door for me and I walk faster so I as not to keep him waiting. "Thanks," I mumble as we pass each other.

Santana's front door is unlocked when I get there, just like she said, so I let myself in. I'm surprised to find the living room dingy and silent when I step inside. There's only one window in there so if the lights aren't turned on, it's pretty dark, whatever time of day it is.

"Santana?" I call out, but she doesn't answer.

I close the door behind me and move towards her bedroom to see if she's in there, but she's not. After checking her bathroom and one of the spare rooms, I eventually find her in the kitchen, standing by the counter but otherwise not doing anything.

I'd probably think she's been there for a while if I knew she didn't have to go into the living room to buzz me in. She plays with her hands nervously, as if she doesn't know what to do with them.

"I thought you might still be with Kurt and Blaine," I say, because I can't think of anything else to talk about.

"I didn't go," she murmurs, and then finally looks up at me.

Her expression makes my heart feel wrung out and stomped on. I don't think I've ever been surer than in this moment that she is the most misunderstood person in the entire world.

And I've never been gladder that we met.

I cross the kitchen and close the space between us a little faster than I mean to, before putting my hands on either side of her face and kissing her, hard. She lets out a surprised whimper and then I feel her hands clutch at my waist.

It doesn't go on for too long, but it's enough to make me a little out of breath. When I pull away I let my thumbs move in gentle circles over her cheeks.

After a couple of moments of nothing she gives me a sad, strained smile. "Is that your way of saying you still love me even after all the shit you probably found out about me today?" she asks.

I shake my head. "No, I just love you, and I like giving people I love kisses."

Her face crumples painfully as soon as the words leave my mouth and the next thing I know her arms are tightening around my waist and she's burying her face in the crook of my neck. Her shoulders jerk up and down as she begins sobbing and my chest gets tight just at the sound of it.

If the other day in her car was a trickle, this is a waterfall.

I bury one of my hands in her hair and use the other to rub soothing circles over her upper back. "Hey, what's wrong?" I ask as gently as I can.

I feel her shake her head frantically. "I th-thought…" is all she manages to get out in between sobs. Her fingers dig in tightly at the small of my back.

"It's okay," I whisper into her hair. Maybe I should have said more after I kissed her, I should have made sure she knows that I don't care about anything anyone else says about her.

Quinn meant well but she was wrong. I know that.

Santana takes a couple of deep, shaky breaths. I feel it against my neck and I know that she's trying to calm herself down. I want to tell her not to.

She sniffles a few times and when she speaks her voice is a little more even. "W-when you look at me, Britt, you don't s-see what other people see." Her voices wavers and she lets out another broken sob that makes my chest ache. "That's why you love me and n-nobody else does. And… I just… thought she was going to ruin it."

Her words make me squeeze her tighter, mostly because she feels like she'll fall apart if I don't. "Lots of people love you. Please don't think things like that."

She shakes her head. "Not like you do."

I don't say anything else, because I don't know _what_ to say. I just hold her up and let her finish crying into my shirt and when she finally does I pull back and hold her face in my hands again. I wipe away as many tears as I can with just my thumbs but there are too many, and I'm going to need a tissue to clean the away the mascara on her face.

I'm about to tell her that but she leans forwards and kisses me before I can. It's not as hard as I kissed her before; it's gentle and sweet and I sigh and let my eyes close as her tongue pushes through my lips and dips into my mouth.

I feel her hands move from my waist and up over my chest before settling on my shoulders and then she pulls back. "Lie down," she says before I get a chance to get over how dizzy her kiss made me.

"Huh?"

"Please, Britt," she rubs her hands soothingly over my shoulders and bites at her bottom lip, I think to stop it from shaking so bad, "Just lie down."

I do it. I think I'd do anything she asks me to do.

I sit down on the lino floor on my butt and then lay back as soon as Santana follows me. She crawls up my body until we're face to face and then she leans on one hand while the other gently cups my cheek.

Her thumb strokes over my skin and it makes me want to close my eyes, but I don't, because I want to look at her more. Looking at her like this feels good, even though it's really sad at the same time. She's so well put together usually and I like that I'm probably the only person who gets to see her this way.

"You look beautiful." I don't mean to say it, but I don't mind that I did. Her eyes smile but her lips don't.

"I'm sure I look a mess," she whispers. I don't disagree with her out loud because I know she already knows I am in my head.

She leans down then, excruciatingly slowly, and just when I think she's going to kiss my lips her face moves upwards and I watch her lips disappear past my eyes. She places a lingering kiss on my forehead and then pulls back slowly again. Her thumb continues to rub softly over my cheek and suddenly she looks nervous instead of sad.

"I… I don't think I can give you what you want, Britt."

I feel my brow furrow. "What d'you think I want?"

She just shakes her head instead of answering and then her body shifts a little. She lays down, half beside me and half on top of me and rests her head on my chest as her arm snakes over my stomach. My arms wrap around her shoulders instinctively.

"You know we're on the kitchen floor, right?" I hush after a few moments.

"Uh-huh." I feel her nod.

"I've never lied down on a kitchen floor before."

She breathes a laugh. "Just kitchen tables then?" she mumbles. I grin at that.

"Actually, I think you were the one lying on the kitchen table."

She giggles audibly this time. "Good point." I can hear her voice is still a little croaky from crying.

We lapse into silence after that. I can't help but feel like we're just lying here because we don't know what else to do, but that's okay. I'm used to not knowing what to do, and things always seem to work out all right anyway.

I let my eyes drift closed and hug Santana as tightly as I can without squeezing all the air out of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to keep you up to date. I feel like I've come to a bit of a roadblock with this story, so there will be a time-jump at the start of the next chapter. Not a big one, maybe 2 or 3 weeks, just to get things moving again. There are only about 6 chapters left to go, including the epilogue (although this is a very rough guess, it could be more or less) so we're coming into the home stretch. Thanks so much to everyone for sticking with this story for so long, I appreciate it so much. Especially reading your reviews. Until next time! :)


	15. Your Own Private Nebraska

**Saturday, June 23rd** **2012**

" _Fuck_ ," Santana breathes as her hand slams palm-down into the center of my chest, effectively pinning me to the mattress. I let my fingers run over her sweat-sticky torso as she moves the juncture of her legs harder against mine, and as her undulations get more frantic I press one hand to her belly while the other holds onto her waist to keep her steady.

I feel the muscles in her tummy tighten under my palm and then her already-closed eyes seem to squeeze even tighter shut. Her breathless moans come to a sudden stop and her fingers dig tightly into the skin between my boobs as her body goes rigid on top of mine. She pulls her bottom lip so hard between her teeth that for a moment I'm worried she's going to tear it, before finally, with a loud gasp, her body goes slack.

She falls forward and collapses on top of me, our damp skin pressing together and her heartbeat hammering against my chest. She breathes heavily into the crook of my neck as I wrap my arms around her and press a kiss to the top of her clammy head, a lazy, satisfied grin plastered on my face.

I think that's my favorite way to have sweet lady-kisses with her. I like that we both get to feel good together and we have our hands free to _touch_ whatever we want and I get to look at her body and her face the whole time, even if she doesn't like looking back.

Once Santana has caught her breath again she lifts her body away from mine and pecks me sweetly on the cheek before disentangling our legs and rolling away from me. I groan at her as she sits up and swings her legs over the edge of the bed before bending down to pick up her discarded sleep shirt off the floor.

"Nooo… I want cuddles," I whine, sliding my hand across the mattress towards her, but not quite reaching.

She pulls the shirt over her head and then leans back on one hand and smiles at me over her shoulder. "We need to get ready, sweetie," she says.

I shake my head and pout as she pushes herself up off the bed. "Pleeease, just five minutes."

She turns to face me as she stretches her arms out in front of her body. "Our plane is leaving in four hours and I haven't even finished packing yet," she tells me. She stops stretching and just looks down at me for a moment.

"You never wanna cuddle anymore," I mumble, half hoping she doesn't hear me. It is true though - I can't remember the exact last time we had cuddles after doing sexy stuff, I just know it's been weeks.

She swallows loudly before giving me a tight-lipped smile. "I'm gonna take a shower," she says as she pats me quickly on the thigh. I follow her with my eyes as she rounds the edge of the bed and moves away from me towards the bathroom, and even the fact that her shirt is too short to completely cover her butt doesn't bring me as much joy as it usually would.

/

Tina drives us to the airport in her new giant car that she hates. She offered to take us as soon as I told her last week that I was going to visit my Dad because, in her words, she's tired of being _useless_. I think that's just Tina-speak for her being bored and missing college and work. Not that I can blame her, I think being pregnant is one of those things that must be really easy and really hard at the same time. It must be confusing and lonely to feel that way. I would probably miss having stuff to distract me too.

"So, are you guys gonna tell your Dad about… stuff?" Tina asks as we drive along the interstate. She glances first at me, then at Santana in the back seat through the rear-view mirror before looking back at the road.

"That's the plan," I tell her and she nods.

"D'you think he'll be okay with it?"

I look back at Santana before I answer to give her a reassuring smile. She was worried about that too. "I think he will," I say.

"Well, you'd better not chicken out," Tina says, smirking, "Now you've _replaced_ me as your Nebraska buddy, you have to make it worthwhile."

I roll my eyes. "You came with me _once_ and all you did was complain about the smell. Don't act like you're hurt."

Her smile grows a little and she looks in the rear-view mirror again. "Yeah, just a heads up, Santana. The whole place smells like horse shit. You're gonna have a wonderful time."

I hear Santana giggle but she doesn't say anything back.

"It's a ranch. Animals poop," I say, shrugging my shoulders. I've never really thought the smell was that bad anyway, it just smells of hay and cows. But Tina did like to complain about things when we were younger; I think we were fourteen the year she came with me. It was the first time my Dad decided Ryan and I should start bringing a friend with us when we came to visit so that we didn't get bored while he was working.

She refused to come with me again after that one time and my next visit wasn't until I was seventeen, so I took Sam. I'm pretty sure it's the only time he and my Dad met. After that we just saw him when _he_ could visit _us_ because it was easier and cheaper, but it was only ever for a couple of days at a time. I remember the last time he was here was on my brother's nineteenth birthday, almost three years ago. I'm not sure if it seems like more time or less time has passed since then.

"You're doing that leg thing." Tina breaks my train of thought.

"Oh." I look down at my legs and stop jerking them up and down. "Sorry."

"Are you nervous?" she asks.

I shake my head. "No… I dunno. I was just thinking about… time, and stuff."

I see her nod out of the corner of my eye but she doesn't say anything for a moment. I kind of want to look back at Santana but for some reason I don't. "He's gonna be pleased to see you, Britt," Tina says.

I bob my head up and down. "Yeah."

"I mean it," she continues, "It's different with family. You could probably not see him for ten years and you'd still be able to just pick up where you left off." She glances at me quickly to smile.

I feel something next to my face suddenly and then I realize it's Santana because she kisses me on the cheek. "Listen to your friend, she's talking sense," she says as she rests her chin on my shoulder over the back of the seat. Tina giggles and I smile because she put on a funny voice to say it, then I reach up and poke her gently in the forehead.

"Put your seatbelt back on, Danger Mouse," I say. She bites me on the shoulder through my clothes, and I squirm because it tickles, before she settles back in her seat again.

I look over at Tina just in time to see her rolling her eyes as she bites back a smile.

/

We pull into the airport parking lot and Santana jumps out of the car almost right away, leaving Tina and I alone for a moment. I go to open my door but Tina puts a hand on my arm and stops me.

"Are you still nervous?" she asks.

I shake my head and say, "Nope." She raises her eyebrows at me and I know she knows that's not completely true. I can't help the smile that tugs at my lips. "I'm fine, I promise," I tell her.

She sighs. "If you say so."

We climb out of the car and head round to the back where Santana is standing by the trunk with her arms folded over her chest. "Sorry. You have to unlock it manually," Tina mumbles as she fits her key into the lock. Once it's open she tries to reach for the single suitcase Santana and I brought - it took a _lot_ ofconvincing this morning for me to get her to cut down the amount of clothes she was bringing so that we could share – but I bat her hands away.

"No lifting heavy stuff, fatty," I tease as I heave the suitcase out of the trunk myself. I set it on the ground as Tina closes the trunk back up and then turns to face me.

"So, I'm picking you up here on Thursday at two?"

I nod. "If that's okay."

She rolls her eyes. "It's fine." I pull her into a hug then and give her a deliberately sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Britt. Gross!" she whines. I giggle as I pull away before bending down to quickly kiss her swollen belly over the top of her maternity blouse too.

"Bye, baby Chang," I say. Tina bats me playfully on the head as I stand upright again.

She and Santana exchange goodbyes and Tina asks me to say hi to my Dad for her before getting back in her car and starting the engine. I lift the suitcase back off the floor with a groan as she drives away and Santana and I start making our way towards airport's entrance.

"I like Tina, she's cute," Santana says suddenly. I look at her and raise my eyebrows and she rolls her eyes at me. "Not like _that_ ," she counters.

"Well… Tina _does_ think you're hot-"

"Rightfully so," she chimes in quickly.

I nod in agreement. "Rightfully so… Maybe I should keep a closer eye on you two."

She smiles at the ground bashfully but doesn't say anything for a moment. I see a blush start creeping its way up her cheeks and it makes me grin. She's so adorable when she's embarrassed, _especially_ when she's trying to hide it. When she finally looks back at me she rolls her eyes again.

"Oh, shut up," she mutters.

/

Three hours later we find ourselves standing outside a tiny, single runway airport staring out over a deserted highway, and past that, a seemingly endless field of corn.

"Well, I'll never refer to _Lima_ as Bumfuck, Nowhere again," says Santana.

She and I both shield our eyes from the sun as we watch the road for any signs of life. One car comes and goes without slowing down but other than that the place is pretty empty.

"What does your Dad's car look like?" she asks.

"Um, well he just has trucks, but they might be different from when I was last here. I think one of the ranch hands is picking us up, anyway. I hope it's Tom," I tell her.

"Right. Why Tom?"

I take my hand away from my head and turn to look at her. "'Cause if it's not Tom it'll be Gus, and he's… well, you'll see when you meet him."

She sucks her lips into her mouth for a moment and nods. "That's… reassuring," she mumbles.

"It's okay. If anyone can handle Gus, it's you." Gus is tough but Santana is the toughest person I've ever met. She smiles smugly after I've said it and I can't help darting in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

We decide to lay our suitcase out on the dirty ground so that we can sit on it while we wait, and it can't be more than ten minutes later that a battered, gray ford pick-up truck comes roaring down the highway towards us.

We both stand as it pulls off the road and onto the dusty path in front of us before grinding to a halt. A decrepit old man with thin hair and a bristly, white moustache climbs out and slams the door unceremoniously behind him.

He brushes his hands up and down his dirty checkered shirt a couple of times and then hooks his thumbs into the suspenders that are holding up his slacks as he moves towards us.

"We got Gus," I whisper to Santana but she doesn't respond. She bends down to pick up the suitcase but before she can, Gus speeds up and slaps her hand away, taking the handle himself.

"I'll take it," he grouches.

We follow him over to the truck where he shakily heaves the suitcase into the back before turning to face us again. He appraises me for a second, his wrinkles sinking even deeper into his face, and if he wasn't so thin he might look like one of those dogs that has too much skin.

"Which one are you?" he barks at me, his voice somehow managing to be frail and intimidating at the same time.

My brow furrows. "Huh? Um, I'm… Brittany." I want to ask Santana if I missed something but I feel like looking away from Gus might be a bad idea right now.

"I never could tell the difference between you and your sister."

I let myself glance briefly at Santana but she's looking down at the ground. "Uh… I don't have a sister." Not one that he's met anyway.

"You _are_ Robert's kid, right?" he says.

I nod.

"There was another one before, and it weren't _her_." He looks towards Santana for a moment and narrows his eyes.

"That was Ryan, my brother," I tell him. He doesn't say anything back so I continue, "Ryan's a boy…"

"Hm," Gus grunts, "well he threw like a fuckin' girl." He turns away from us then and opens the driver's side door. "You gettin' in, or what?"

I look at Santana once he's inside the truck with the door closed and she seems to be biting back a smile, so I don't say anything.

There's no back seat in Gus' truck, just one long bench seat in the front. I climb in first so that Santana doesn't have to sit directly next to him, and then Gus turns the truck around and takes off back down the highway, probably a little too fast considering we don't have any seatbelts.

None of us say much until we come to a busy – well, busy for _here_ \- intersection about half an hour later. For such a reckless driver Gus suddenly seems to lose all his nerve and misses more than one break in the traffic where he could have easily driven on. Eventually the car behind us starts honking its horn and Gus turns a deep shade of red.

"Don't honk your horn at me, ya little assholes!" he yells as he shoves his hand out of the open window to – I _think_ – flip them off.

Whoever is driving the car behind us seems to run out of patience at that and they suddenly pull out onto the wrong side of the road come tearing past us. The car is full of teenagers – or maybe they're a little older than that - and they yell rude things out of the window at Gus as they pass. It seems to spur him on more than anything though, and all of a sudden we're hurtling across the intersection too. I hear the sound of tyres screeching somewhere outside the truck but I don't look to see where it's coming from. I feel Santana's fingers close around my wrist and I use my other hand to grip at the seat next to my leg.

Gus slows down again after a few minutes and I don't ask him if he was actually _trying_ to chase the other car. I think I'd rather not know.

"Damn fuckin' hoodlums," he mutters. "They oughta send 'em all to that place. Where is it? Where they're having the war."

"Um… Afghanistan?" I offer tentatively.

"Hm," he grunts, "Afghanistan. They should send 'em all there. When I was their age I was fightin' in Korea and it never did me no harm. Taught me some respect."

I nod in agreement because it just seems easier.

Ten minutes later we pass a familiar sign that reads: _Welcome to Bloomfield, Population -1,128_. It makes my tummy flood with nerves at how close I am to my Dad now, and a further fifteen minutes after that we're driving slowly down the bumpy dirt road that leads up to the ranch.

We pull up outside the stables where all of my Dad's trucks are parked and when I get out I smile because I realize that I recognize one of them. Santana comes and stands next to me - looking a little paler than she did before we got in the truck - as Gus hefts our suitcase out of the back again and dumps it on the ground.

He doesn't look at me, but regards Santana for a moment with narrowed eyes, the same way he did when he picked us up from the airport. "What are you, anyway?" he grumbles.

Santana steps almost imperceptibly closer to me. "W-what?"

"Honduran?" He just says that, and nothing else, like it's enough.

"I'm American," Santana retorts.

He keeps looking at her for a moment and then grunts out a, "Hm," before turning and walking towards the stables and disappearing inside. A tall, muscular man with light brown hair steps out a moment later and grins as wide as his face as soon as he spots us. He picks up his pace as he walks towards me and Santana.

"Britt-Britt!" He pulls me into a hug as soon as he's close enough then holds me at arm's length. "Look at you, all grown up."

"Hey, Tom," I say, and then I just smile bashfully because I don't really know what else to say back. He still looks the same as he did the last time I saw him, but maybe with a few more lines on his face, and I don't think it'd have the same effect if I told him _he_ looks older too.

"You must be Santana," Tom says, letting go of me and extending his hand towards her. She puts her hand in his and he gives it a firm shake. "Nice to meet you," he says before turning back to me. "Your Dad's still at the farmers market so he told me to get you settled in, is that okay?"

I nod and smile at him, even though I'm a little disappointed my Dad isn't here already. "Sure," I say. "Why's he at the farmers market?"

Tom rolls his eyes playfully. "He wants to cook a special dinner for your first night here, so he's gone in search of the perfect steak."

I breathe out a laugh. "He didn't have to do that," I say.

"Yeah, I know, but you know what he's like. He's invited me and Laura too so we'll be there," he tells me cheerfully, "but we might have to leave early 'cause she gets a little nauseous in the evenings."

My eyebrows knit together. "How come?"

"She's pregnant, didn't your Dad tell you?"

I shake my head. "Didn't you guys just have a baby?"

He chuckles at that and then fishes his wallet out of his back pocket. "Nope," he says as he opens it up and holds it out for me to look at, "Molly's almost three now." He taps at the clear plastic section inside the wallet with his pointer finger. There's a picture inside of him with Laura and their little girl, sitting on some grass.

"Cute," I say as he flips it shut and stuffs the wallet back in his pocket. "Will Molly be at dinner too?" I ask. I've never met her but I remember my Dad telling us about her being born the last time he came to visit. I guess three years does make sense.

"Nah," he shakes his head, "Laura's sister's gonna babysit."

I nod. "Okay."

"Here, lemme take that, honey," he suddenly says to Santana, taking our suitcase off of her. She must have picked it up while we were talking.

After that we follow Tom along the long path that leads past the stables and up to the house. "That's Henry," I say to Santana, pointing towards the sleeping Kangal in the sheep pen as we pass it, "my Dad's dog. He keeps the sheep safe from coyotes."

Santana smiles at me. "Why is he called _Henry_?"

I shrug at her. "My Dad let me and my brother name him when we were kids and that's the only one we could agree on."

She giggles a little. "Where are the cows? I thought you said there were cows here…"

"They're over the other side, I'll show you later," I tell her and she nods, "how's the smell? Tina was exaggerating, right?" I give her a sneaky smile because I know it does smell _kind_ of funky around here.

"It's... tolerable," she says, and nudges me playfully with her elbow.

Tom opens the front door for us when we get up to the old wooden ranch house and lets me and Santana walk in first before closing the door. The living room looks almost exactly how it did the last time I was here, with the same old red couch and matching armchair and the same round, wooden coffee table. The surfaces are still lined with ornaments and trinkets that my Dad's collected over the years as well as some random things that my brother and I made when we were little. He even has the same TV set that he's had for as long as I can remember.

We follow Tom up the narrow staircase and when we're about halfway up he calls over his shoulder, "'fraid you're both gonna have to sleep in your room, Britt. I hope you girls don't mind sharing a bed."

I hear Santana snort behind me and I flush red. Luckily I don't think Tom heard her. "That's okay," I reply.

We get to the top of the stairs and Tom stops and turns to us before going into my room. "It's just Ryan's room is more like a _storage_ room now, and the spare room doesn't have a bed anymore," he says.

I shrug and smile at him. "It's fine, we don't mind."

"Well it was either this or one of you had to share with Gus." He winks at me and then turns to open the door to my room. He sets the suitcase down at the foot of the bed once we're inside and then looks around him quietly for a moment before moving back towards the door again. "I'm sorry I couldn't come pick ya up myself, by the way, I just can't leave Gus here on his own. I hope it wasn't too harrowing."

I shrug and exchange a knowing smile with Santana and Tom just chuckles at us. "Okay, I gotta get back to work so I'll leave you to get settled. Your Dad shouldn't be gone too much longer," he says.

"Okay. We'll see you at dinner, right?"

"M-hm." He shoots a warm smile at me over his shoulder as he leaves the room and pulls the door closed behind him.

"Where should we put our stuff?" Santana asks me as soon as he's gone.

I turn and take in my surroundings for the first time and suddenly it's clear why she sounded a little confused when she asked that. A double bed, a bedside table and a lamp are the only things in the room. I _swear_ I had a dresser before.

I look towards the built in closet on the opposite side of the room, but I know there isn't really space to hang clothes in there. It's just shelves.

"I guess we could put them on the shelves in there," I say, pointing towards it.

She immediately sets her purse down on the floor and rounds the edge of the bed before yanking the closet door open. A dusty old box that must have been leaning up against the inside of the door falls out and clatters to the floor, forcing Santana to dodge out of its way with a tiny yelp.

The lid comes off as it hits the ground and as the contents spill out I feel my face light up with a grin. "They're still here!" I'm not sure why I'm so excited, I guess it's just nice to know that there are still some places here that are mine and secret.

Santana stoops down and picks up one of the many big, floppy hats that were inside the box and examines it with a furrowed brow. "Why is there a box full of ladies' hats in here?" she asks.

I set my purse down too and take it from her when I'm close enough and then crouch down to scoop the rest of them back into the box. "My Dad must've never found them," I tell her, "he hires a cleaning lady so I guess it makes sense. He doesn't really have any reason to come in here." I stand up and cradle the box in one arm while I use the other hand to put the lid back on.

"Yeah, but what are they _for_?" she asks.

I reach up and tuck the box as far back as I can on the top shelf before shooting her a sneaky smile. "I'll show you later," I tell her.

Her brow only furrows further.

After we've managed to squeeze everything in the closet onto one shelf, we open up our suitcase and re-fold our clothes – I got a little impatient while I was packing and just stuffed everything inside. Santana seems a little mad about the mess but she doesn't say anything – before stacking them neatly on the remaining shelves.

When we're done I drag her over to the window because I've always thought the view was really pretty. "The cows are over there," I tell her, pointing out over the field almost directly at the back of the house. She nods in response. "And that's where Gus lives." I point towards the converted barn behind the stables.

"I'll avoid going anywhere near there, then," she mumbles. I turn to face her and she does the same.

"He didn't upset you, did he?"

She shakes her head and smiles. "No, it's fine. He's just a cranky old bastard. Kinda reminds me of my Abuelo."

"Good." I take her hand and rub my thumb over the back of it.

"Where does Tom live?" she asks.

"In a house with his family," I tell her.

She nods. "What did he mean when he said he couldn't leave Gus on his own?"

I shrug. "Nothing, he's just old. He can't really do that many of the jobs around here anymore. I think he mostly just feeds the cows and stuff."

"Why does your Dad keep him on if he can't do his job properly?" she asks, her eyebrows knitting together.

"He's been here a really long time, since before my Dad even took over. I don't think he has the heart to let him go. He wouldn't even have anywhere to live," I tell her.

She smiles and says, "That's nice of him," and I shrug at her. "It's the kind of thing _you_ would do," she mutters as she leans closer to me and kisses me on the cheek. I smile at that and then Santana tugs on my hand and begins leading me over to the bed.

She sits on it first and bounces up and down a couple of times before scooting back. "Wow, this bed's almost as lumpy as yours back home," she says, reaching her hands out towards me.

I climb on too and Santana pulls me on top of her and into a hug as soon as I'm close enough. I giggle as I snuggle up against her chest. "Nobody will come in here, right?" she asks. I shake my head, _no_.

"Good," she mumbles. "Are you nervous about seeing your Dad?"

I shake my head and nuzzle further into her. "Nope, I'm excited. I've really missed him," I say. Her arms get a little tighter around me and I know it's because she knows I'm not being 100 percent truthful. I _have_ missed my Dad, a lot actually, but three years is a long time to go without seeing somebody. I can probably count on one hand the number of phone calls we've had in that time, and one of those was to organize this trip. It's hard not to be a _little_ nervous.

"When are we gonna tell him about us?" she asks gently.

"At dinner," I answer, and then pause for a moment, "or… maybe tomorrow at breakfast if Tom's gonna be there tonight."

"Okay," she says, "you should just do it whenever you're ready."

She kisses my forehead and I smile and try not to let myself get confused again about how she can be so _very,_ very cuddly sometimes and others it seems like she doesn't want me near her at all. I want to ask her what the difference is because I can't figure it out.

I think I _will_ ask her. I just need to figure out how to do it first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a bit of a filler chapter, I just didn't want it to be like, 'Oh, they're in Nebraska now btw' if that makes sense. Apologies if it was boring though! :)


	16. Cow Disneyland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone was concerned that I was going to write the Nebraskans as hicks. That's definitely not my intention and I'm sorry if it came across that way! Gus is the way he is because he's old, not Nebraskan. Hope you like the chapter :)

"You smell good," I mumble against Santana's chest. My voice sounds loud, somehow, and I think it's because neither of us has said anything in a while. I guess we're both a little tired from our journey.

"You always say that," she replies, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

"'Cause you always do."

I feel her breathe out a laugh against the top of my head, and then she takes a breath like she's about to speak but before she can my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. Santana giggles because I guess she can feel it against her leg and I smile as I squeeze the phone out of my shorts.

"Sorry," I tell her as I bring it up in front my face and open the text message I just received. I feel my smile fade, but I'm not sure why.

_Mom: Have fun at your dad's :)_

"Who is it?" Santana asks after a few moments.

"Um," I clear my throat, "my Mom," I say, and hold the phone up so that she can see the message.

I feel Santana shift under me and then she pulls back so that she can look at my face. All I notice is how soft her eyes are, probably for the millionth time. "Is that the first time she's talked to you since she went home?" she asks.

I nod at her and then she goes back to hugging me the way she was before. "I don't know how she knows I'm here," I almost-whisper. I guess Katie or Ryan must have told her. Santana doesn't say anything back because it was probably obvious that I wasn't _really_ asking.

_Thanks. Love you mom_

I text her back and then close my eyes as I hold the phone to my chest. I don't know when sending my Mom a stupid little text message became so nerve wracking , I know she's been mad at me since I asked her to say sorry to Santana, but her texting me now is definitely a good thing. Even if I'm not sure what's changed.

My phone vibrates again a moment later and I fumble with the buttons in my haste to see what she's said.

_Mom: I love you too honey x_

I feel the pressure around my chest ease off after reading it and a relieved smile falls across my lips. I slide the phone back into my pocket and settle back down on top of Santana.

"Everything okay?" she asks.

I nod. "She said she loves me," I tell her.

I feel her kiss the top of my head and then she starts running her fingers through my hair. "Well, I guess that's a start," she says gently.

I'm not sure exactly what she means but I say, "M-hm," anyway as my eyes drift closed because the way she's playing with my hair is making me feel really relaxed. "I'm really glad you're here," I mumble, "I can't wait to show you everything."

She breathes a laugh. "Yeah?"

I nod. "M-hm. Tom will probably let us ride the horses if we want, he let me and Ryan when we were kids. And we can go to the water hole. Oh! And there's this really cool movie theatre where they have couches instead of normal seats and they let you take in your own candy without getting mad. We should go there."

Santana lets out a quiet giggle. "Well, it's good to know there's still stuff to do even when you're totally cut off from civilization," she says.

I grin and pinch at her side. I like it when she's all cute and cheeky. "There _is_ a town here, ya'know. It's not like we're in the desert or something."

"It's hot enough to be the desert," she grumbles and I pinch at her side again until, this time, she squeals and bats my hand away. "Stop tickling me!" she giggles.

"It's June. It's hot in Ohio too. You're as bad as Tina."

"Well maybe Tina had a point," she retorts.

I shake my head. "Nope, you're just a couple of complainers."

She giggles and kisses my head again. "Hey, Britt?"

"Mm?"

"Did you remember to put my jewellery box under the bed before we left?" she asks. I feel my heart do a little flip in my chest at that and I suck my lips into my mouth instead of answering. For a moment I consider tickling her again as a distraction. Santana lets out a heavy sigh, "Britt," she whines, "I asked you to do _one_ thing."

"I'm really sorry." I lift myself up a little so that I can look at her. "I was about to do it but then I remembered I had to call my neighbor about feeding Lord Tubbington and I just forgot."

She rolls her eyes and presses her lips together in a tight line. "Great," she mutters.

"I'm sorry," I repeat. I trail my pointer finger over her face and around her jaw to try to make her smile but it doesn't work. "Was it really that important?" I ask.

She grabs my wrist and stills my hand. "Well, _yeah_ ," she answers, "If I have to have strangers snooping around my apartment while I'm gone, I don't want anything valuable on display."

I kiss her on the cheek. "I doubt any of the snooty rich people who are thinking of buying your apartment are gonna be there casing the joint," I tell her. I see a tiny smile starting to tug at her lips, but she doesn't say anything back. "Can't you call Mrs Greenberg and ask her to do it when she feeds Lizard?" I ask.

Santana huffs out a breath. "I guess."

"Okay," I smile down at her, "Soo… you can stop being mad at me now?"

She rolls her eyes and smiles back reluctantly. Suddenly I feel her fingers digging into my sides and I squeal because it tickles. I try to squirm away from her as I start uncontrollably laughing and Santana uses my momentary weakness to roll me onto my back and pin me to the bed with my hands above my head. She grins down at me as I catch my breath.

"When am I _ever_ able to stay mad at you for more than five minutes, huh?" she asks.

I shrug at her as a smile pulls at my lips. Something about her pinning me down and being this close renders me ever-so-slightly speechless and makes my heartbeat throb in my ears. Santana raises her eyebrows as her grin turns into a smirk and I know then that my blush must be showing.

Just as she leans down to kiss me I hear the front door slam shut downstairs. It makes the floor quake a little and Santana pauses a couple of inches away from my lips.

" _Brittany?"_ My Dad's voice rings out through the house and my stomach starts doing flip-flops.

"My Dad's here," I state, somewhat in a daze.

Santana lifts herself off me as I sit up and then joins me as I stand shakily on the bedroom floor. I start brushing invisible dirt from my clothes as my Dad calls for me again.

" _Britt? Tom said you were unpacking, you still in your room?"_

I move towards the bedroom door and open it. "Yeah, we're here. I'll be right down!" I call out. My voice trembles a little and when I turn to face Santana again she's already looking back at me with a sympathetic pout.

She starts rubbing her hand up and down my arm. "It's all right, Britt," she tells me.

I nod at her. "Yeah, I know. Do I look okay?" I'm not sure why I ask, my Dad isn't going to care what I look like.

"You look fine," she replies, giving me a reassuring smile.

I lead her out into the hallway, holding her hand right up to the stairs and then she walks down behind me. We find my Dad in the kitchen and I stop abruptly, causing Santana to bump into my back, when I see that he's not alone.

At first I'm not sure who the woman setting groceries down on the counter is, but when she turns around I immediately recognize her as Laura, Tom's wife. I've only met her a few times before but she was always super nice, just like Tom. When were kids she once drove me and Ryan all the way into the city to take us to the zoo there.

She smiles as soon as she spots Santana and I standing in the doorway. "Brittany, look at you," she says sweetly as she moves toward us. She looks older than she did the last time I saw her, but I guess that's to be expected, and her hair is shorter. And I can't help but notice that her belly is still flat, I guess she can't have been pregnant for long.

Laura pulls me into a hug, and that's when I see my Dad's face for the first time since I got here – for the first time in almost three years – over her shoulder. He doesn't say anything, just stands there watching us with a small, calm smile on his face, like he's waiting for his turn. I want it to be his turn now.

Laura finally lets me go and after pinching my cheek and telling me how pretty I look, she steps past me towards Santana. "You must be Santana," she says, and pulls her into a hug too. I feel kind of bad because I know Santana probably feels a little uncomfortable, but I decide to leave them to get acquainted by themselves so that I can say hi to my Dad.

His smile grows a little as I slowly round the kitchen table and move closer to him and then once I'm just a couple of feet away I stop. "Hey, Britt-Britt," he mumbles. He _always_ mumbles.

"Hey, Dad," I reply, taking in his appearance - the way the crow's feet around his eyes seem to have sunk a little deeper into his skin, and how his curly hair is a little thinner with almost as much gray as blonde now.

I close the space between us and press the side of my face to his chest as my arms circle around his waist. I feel his arms wrap around me a moment later and even though the hug is a little stiff and his shirt smells like a strange mix of hay and pipe tobacco, it feels really nice.

He smiles down at me again when I pull back. "I hope you're hungry," he says and I breathe out a laugh.

"Starving," I reply. Suddenly it occurs to me that Santana and I haven't eaten since breakfast. "D'you need help with dinner?" I ask.

"Nuh-uh, that's what I'm here for!" Laura chimes in. I turn to look at her as she moves away from the doorway towards us and she ruffles my hair she comes past, making me grin. "You girls go relax in the TV room and let us take care of it," she says as she leans against one of the kitchen counters.

I look back at my Dad and just as I do he surprises me by taking my face in his big, rough hands before leaning down and pressing a kiss to my forehead. It's a little more affection than I'm used to from him, and his thick stubble scratches a bit, but it makes me smile anyway.

"I'll call you when it's ready," he says, just loud enough for me to hear.

I nod at him. "Okay. Um, Dad… this is Santana," I tell him, even though he's probably already figured that out. But I couldn't leave the kitchen without introducing her; it's the thing I've been looking forward to the most.

We both look towards the doorway and my Dad nods his head at her. "Hi, Santana," he says.

"Hi," she says back timidly. She looks a little flushed, like she's blushing, so I decide to put her out of her misery and take her away from all these new people for a little while.

"D'you wanna go in the living room?" I ask her and she nods emphatically.

/

I sit on the old red couch and Santana looks around at some of the hundreds of photographs that line the walls and surfaces of the room before joining me. She brings with her a framed picture from the mantelpiece of me, Ryan and our Dad sitting on a picnic blanket in one of the fields out back that looks like it was taken at least fifteen or sixteen years ago. I guess my Mom must have been taking the picture because it would have been before my parents broke up.

Santana drops down next to me and scoots up so that we're shoulder to shoulder. "You look just like Katie," she says quietly, stroking her thumb over the little miniature version of me in the picture.

I smile. "People always say that," I tell her.

"How old were you guys there?" she asks.

"I think I was seven so Ryan would've been five or six."

She looks at the picture quietly for another moment and then leans forward and sets it down on the coffee table in front of us. She has to shove a couple of empty glasses out of the way to make room. "I thought you said your Dad hires a cleaning lady," she teases.

"He does. Well…" I pause for a moment, I guess I don't know that for sure anymore, "He used to. She only comes like, once a week anyway. That's plenty of time to make a mess."

Santana nods as she rests her head against my shoulder. It makes me want to close my eyes because I'm still a little tired. "Your Dad's… tall," she mutters and I giggle a little.

"Where d'you think I get it from?"

She breathes a laugh. "Good point," she says, "He's really quiet too."

I nod and feel my cheek rubbing against the top of her head. "He's kinda shy."

"Like you," she states.

"I guess, but I think I'm only shy at first. He's shy always and with everyone," I tell her, "I think that's why he likes to keep to himself." I feel my eyebrows scrunch together after I've said it; I probably shouldn't just assume that's the reason. Maybe he keeps to himself because all the things he enjoys are things you can do on your own. Sometimes that's easier. And it's not like I've ever asked him.

"Has he ever remarried?" she asks.

I shake my head, "No. He's had a few girlfriends but they never really lasted long."

"How come?"

I half shrug with the shoulder she's not leaning on. "I dunno. He works a lot, I guess."

"That sucks," she says.

"Yeah, it's hard to make money from a ranch, but I don't think he'd do it if he didn't enjoy it. He loves this place."

She nods. "Do you ever wish your parents were still together?" she asks.

I shrug again and pull her hand into my lap. I turn it over and start tracing patterns into her palm with my pointer finger before I answer. "I dunno. I used to, like, a _lot_. But I think they're happier apart."

"So you don't wish you lived here instead of Lima?"

I shake my head. "I like it here, but if we'd never moved to Lima I wouldn't have met any of my friends, or Tina, or _you_. And Katie might not even exist." I stop talking quickly because I don't like thinking about that.

"That's true," she giggles. "Hey," she says like she's just remembered something, "Is Gus coming to dinner too?"

I smile at that, mostly because I'm glad for the change of subject. It's not that I don't like talking to her and answering her questions or anything, I love it actually, I just don't like thinking about _what ifs_. They frazzle my brain. "I'm sure he's invited but that doesn't mean he'll come," I answer, "Why, d'you miss him already?"

She pokes me in the tummy and it makes me giggle. " _No_ , I was just wondering. Dork."

" _You're_ a dork," I mutter, even though I don't mean it even the tiniest little bit.

/

Gus _does_ come to dinner. We're in my Dad's kitchen setting the table with Laura when he traipses through the door behind Tom. I notice Santana sneakily move a little closer to me but I don't say anything.

Five minutes later my Dad proudly serves up dinner for the five of us, plus himself, as we sit at the dining table. He lets Santana choose which wine we drink as Laura sets plates of salad and vegetables and potatoes down in the middle of the table and I'm pretty sure it's the fanciest dinner I've ever had in this house.

"I hope you girls like your steak well done," Tom says from across the table.

Laura nudges him in the ribs after he's said it and he chuckles. "There's nothing wrong with my cooking," she mutters. I smile politely because I guess it's just some private joke they have.

"Three potatoes?" Gus grunts, indignant at the other end of the table.

"There's more right in front of you, Gus," My Dad tells him as Tom slides the bowl of potatoes closer so that he can reach. "Has uh… Tom told you the good news?" my Dad asks, subtly gesturing towards Laura with his fork.

I nod and look at Laura and she grins back at me. "Yeah, congratulations," I say.

"Thanks, honey," she replies.

"You're still really small," I tell her, "my friend Tina's pregnant and she looks like a snake who swallowed a watermelon," I say. I hear Santana snort beside me and Laura and Tom giggle.

"How far along is she?" Laura asks.

"She'll be twenty-seven weeks tomorrow," I reply.

Laura smiles. "You know the exact dates?"

I shrug at her. "Well, her boyfriend works a lot so I go with her to most of her doctors appointments. He got to go to the one where they found out it was a boy though so that was good."

Laura's smile turns into a grin and she opens her mouth to say something but my Dad speaks before she can. "Tina's your friend who came here with you that time, right?" he mumbles and I nod in response. "She's pregnant?"

"Yep." I nod again.

"And her boyfriend's not marrying her?"

I feel my brow furrow. "Um, well… it's not like _that_ ," I tell him, "They just have a lot going on right now, they probably haven't thought about it."

"So they're gonna get married after the baby's here?" He spears a couple of green beans with his fork and shoves them into his mouth after he's asked.

"Uh… I'm not sure. Maybe."

He nods and looks down at his plate again. "Well, I hope Sam knows if he ever tried to pull anything like that with you I'd kick his ass," he mutters.

I see Santana pause momentarily out of the corner of my eye before she resumes cutting up her steak. "Uh, Sam and I broke up, Dad," I tell him. It actually didn't even occur to me that he would think we were still together but I'm not sure why that is. I guess I've just been preoccupied with the thought of telling him about me and Santana.

"Oh." He looks at me for a moment with a furrowed brow before going back to his dinner. "Sorry, I can't keep up with you kids," he says and I shrug.

We all eat our dinner quietly for a few moments after that, with only the sound of cutlery scraping against plates preventing total silence before my Dad looks up at me again with a sigh. "Are you… okay and stuff?" he asks gently.

I smile and nod at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. It was months ago."

He nods back at me and goes back to his dinner but it still feels a little tense. I start to wonder if I should have called and told him before, I don't want him to think I keep stuff from him, but he's never been very easy to talk to on the phone. Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself. I guess that's why we don't do it much.

"Hey," Tom pipes up after ten minutes or so of no talking, either deliberately trying to break the tension or not picking up on it at all, "I've just thought, we've got a newbie with us," he says, smirking. He winks at me as he sets his knife and fork down and then stands up, rounding the table and patting me on the shoulder as he moves past Santana and me. I feel my stomach plummet because I think I know what's coming.

Laura rolls her eyes. "Tom," she says reproachfully but he waves his hand dismissively over his shoulder as he exits the kitchen.

Santana turns to me with her brow furrowed. "What's going on?" she asks under her breath.

"Nothing," I answer, "he's not really gonna make her do it, is he, Dad?" I ask him.

A small, playful smile pulls at his lips but he doesn't look up from his dinner. "It _is_ tradition," he shrugs.

"Dad!" I whine, but he just chuckles quietly to himself.

"You don't really have to do it, honey," Laura says to Santana.

Santana huffs out an exasperated breath and puts her knife and fork down on her plate. "Do _what?_ " She aims it at me more than Laura and I squeeze her knee under the table.

"It's just a tequila shot with a worm," I tell her, "they make every new person who stays at the ranch do it," I explain.

Her face contorts in disgust. "I have to eat a _worm_?"

I shake my head. "You don't have to," I tell her. I squeeze her knee tighter because she looks completely uncomfortable and in all honesty I'm kind of mortified that this is happening.

"But we'll make ya sleep outside if you don't," Tom chuckles as he comes striding back into the room carrying a tray that holds two shot glasses and two lime wedges. He sets it down in front of us before returning to his seat and I feel my eyebrows knit together.

"I have to do one, too?" I ask.

"This is the first time you've been here since you turned twenty-one," Tom smirks and shrugs.

"I did one when I was seventeen," I remind him, cringing at the memory.

Santana picks up the shot closest to her and lifts it up so that she can inspect the little creature wriggling around inside the glass. "Where did you get the worm?" she asks, wrinkling her nose.

"We use 'em as bait when we go fishing," Tom answers.

Suddenly Gus, who'd been scoffing his dinner down mostly in silence until now, speaks up. "Shouldn't you be used to drinkin' tequila, anyway?" he grouches at Santana. I see her roll her eyes but she doesn't answer.

"Santana isn't Mexican," I tell him.

He shakes his head. "Right, she's _American_ ," he retorts.

"Pipe down, Gus," says my Dad, and Gus slumps back in his seat.

"I don't think I can do it," Santana says regretfully, placing the glass back down on the tray.

"That's _fine_ , honey," Laura replies, nudging Tom hard with her elbow.

I notice Santana starting to fidget uncomfortably as she wrings her hands together so I tap her on the shoulder. "I'll do it if you do it," I tell her.

She shakes her head. "It's gross, Britt," she mumbles.

I suddenly get a sneaky idea and I grin as I lean closer to her so that I can whisper in her ear. " _Sam did it_ ," I tell her. She raises her eyebrows at me as I pull away and I shrug at her.

I watch her as she purses her lips for a moment and then picks up the glass again and I know in that moment that I'm going to pay later for saying that.

But at least it worked.

"You're doing it too," she tells me and I hear my Dad chuckle at us as I pick up my own glass.

"On three?" I ask and she nods. "Okay, one… two… three!"

We both bring our glasses to our lips at the same time and tip them up, downing the disgusting liquid. I pinch my nose as soon as I feel the worm slide into my mouth and bite down on it a couple of times before pretty much swallowing it whole.

"Woo!" Tom cheers and claps his hands.

"Lime," I gasp, slamming the empty glass down onto the table. I pick up both slices from the tray and hand one to Santana before biting down on my own.

"Ugh," Santana groans after a few moments as we drop our lime wedges back on the tray. My Dad slaps me playfully on the back and then Santana, to my surprise, giggles a little.

"You probably should've waited 'til you'd finished your dinner, Britt," Tom chuckles. I look down at my half-eaten meal and then at everybody else's empty plates with a frown. I always was a slow eater.

"Right," I say, "Sorry, Dad, I don't think I can eat the rest," I tell him, suddenly feeling a little queasy.

He looks like he's about to say something but Gus cuts him off. "I'll finish hers," he grunts.

My Dad shrugs at me so I pass my plate to Santana who then passes it on to Gus. "Well, I think we can officially welcome you to Bell Ranch now, Santana," my Dad says with bashful smile.

Santana smiles back a little and rolls her eyes. "Thanks," she mumbles.

I'm worried for a moment that she might actually be mad at me for what I said about Sam and being sneaky, but then she slides her hand into mine under the table and squeezes. When my Dad gets up and starts stacking the plates on top of one another she nudges my shoulder gently with hers and smiles in a way that I know is meant only for me.

/

"It's fucking freezing out here, Britt!" Santana hisses at me.

"Yeah, it's really hot during the day and really cold at night, kinda like the desert," I tell her.

"I thought you said this _wasn't_ the desert," she mutters. I hear her stumble a little behind me then and she grabs onto the back of my shirt. "Dammit, I can't see a fucking thing!"

"Don't worry, we're almost there," I tell her. As we approach the cow pen Santana lets go of me and I set the box I'm holding down on the ground before moving towards the fence so that I can switch on the floodlight. "Better?" I ask.

"Won't that wake somebody up?"

I shake my head. "My Dad's room's on the other side of the house and Gus could sleep through an earthquake," I tell her.

I open the gate to the pen and let her inside before picking the box back up and following her. I lock the gate again once we're in and turn to find Santana practically cowering behind me.

"They won't like, stampede or anything, will they?"

I giggle at that. "They barely move," I tell her as I crouch down and open up the box. I hand Santana a pile of hats and then take the rest for myself.

"This is stupid, won't they just fall off?" she asks.

"They all have ribbons, you've gotta tie them on," I explain. "C'mon." I shove most of the hats I'm holding under one arm and leave one in my free hand. I reach up and place it on the head of the first cow I come to, who holds perfectly still as I tie the ribbon in a bow under his chin, then I give him a well-deserved pat on the back when I'm done before moving onto the next one.

I see Santana following my lead on the other side of the pen and I smile to myself. "Use the smaller ones for the calves or they won't be able to see," I tell her.

"Right," she mumbles.

When we're finished I let Santana out of the pen in front of me again before locking it behind us. We drop the couple of leftover hats we had between us back in the box and then I lean on the wooden fence with my chin resting on my arms. Santana does the same beside me.

"Okay, they do look prettier," she admits.

I breathe out a laugh. "Gus'll freak in the morning. Consider this your revenge," I tell her and she giggles.

"Was he always like that? Gus?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I think he was always grouchy, but he got worse after he lost his wife. That's what my Dad says, anyway," I tell her.

"Oh… what happened?"

"She used to live with him, in the old barn, but then she got sick and she died. It was a long time ago, before I was born," I explain.

"That's really sad," she says gently and I nod.

"Yeah. He's got my Dad now though, and Tom and Laura. They're like a family so he'll never be alone."

"How long has Tom worked for your Dad?" she asks.

"About twenty years," I tell her, "my Dad hired him right out of high school."

She looks at me and raises her eyebrows. "That's a long time."

"M-hm, I don't think my Dad really likes change."

She smiles at that and then looks back out at the cows again. She nods her head forward. "Are they all for… you know…?"

I nod because I know what she's asking. "The slaughterhouse, yeah. A few of them are for breeding, though," I say and she pouts sadly. "When I was little, whenever a cow _disappeared_ my parents told me they'd gone to live at Cow Disneyland where humans aren't allowed to visit."

She grins and turns her face so that her cheek is resting on her arm and she can look at me. She looks really adorable like that. "How long did you believe that for?" she asks.

I shrug. "'til I was about fifteen," I say and she giggles really loud. "I'm not even kidding," I mumble, smiling to myself.

"I believe you," she says, then she stops leaning on the fence and steps a little closer to me, her grin turning into a soft smile. "Hey, d'you think they'd tattle on us if I kissed you now?" she asks softly.

I feel my cheeks heat up and I smile down at the ground. "No, cows are pretty good secret-keepers," I tell her.

"Good to know," she whispers as she closes the space between us. She puts one hand one my hip, pulling our bodies flush together, and uses the other to cup my cheek and tilt my face so that I'm looking at her again.

And then she kisses me.


	17. Here Comes the Sun Part I

**Sunday, June 24th** **2012**

I can hear somebody laughing when I wake up. It immediately makes me smile because I know that it's Santana and I crack my eyes open slowly so that I can find out what's so funny. I sit up a little and lean back on my elbows. Santana is standing by the window in her sexy short pajamas, peaking through a tiny opening in the curtain that she's made with her fingers, and giggling to herself.

"Why are you laughing?" I ask her, my voice thick and groggy from sleep. She startles a little but her smile doesn't waver as she turns to face me.

"Good, you're awake," she says, "C'mere." She beckons me over with her hand before turning away from me again.

I sit up with a groan and throw the comforter off of me. The rickety old bed creaks under my weight as I push myself up off it.

Santana keeps her hands on the curtains but lifts one arm so that I can pass underneath as I approach her. She keeps both of her arms wrapped around me from behind so that she can hold the curtains open a sliver and I can't help but lean back into her a little when she places a kiss on the back of my neck.

"The cows," she says gently as she rests her chin on my shoulder.

I peak through the gap and look down at the field where the cows are kept to find Gus furiously de-hatting them. He keeps stopping periodically to yell and wave his arms at Tom and my Dad, who are standing just outside the pen in their cool cowboy hats. I can't hear anything any of them are saying but I can tell that they're both laughing and I feel the giggle that was about to escape my own lips suddenly die in my throat. I didn't want everybody to laugh at him.

"Maybe we shouldn't have done that," I mumble.

"Why? It's funny," Santana retorts, "I thought you said you've done it before?"

"Yeah… I have, but he never got _this_ mad. He would just yell a little and then hide the hats under the couch in the barn. What if he has a heart attack or something?"

Santana drops her hands from the curtains and hugs me tightly around the shoulders. "Don't be silly. Tom and your Dad are laughing. It's fine."

"I guess," I agree, even though that's probably the worst part.

/

Once I've showered I change into my swimsuit – a faded blue bikini that I bought especially for the trip – and throw on a pair of short overalls over the top. I tell Santana to make sure she puts her swimsuit on under her clothes too without telling her why before I leave her to shower and head downstairs.

I'm surprised to find my Dad in the kitchen cooking breakfast when I get down there. I thought he was still outside, working, and the bacon smell that filled the house must have been from before me and Santana woke up.

His hat is on the table and I pick it up and put it on my head as I sit sideways on one of the chairs. My Dad smiles at me from in front of the stove.

"Like when you were little," he mumbles. I nod in agreement, remembering all the times when Ryan and I were kids and we would borrow Tom's and my Dad's hats and play cowboys and cowboys… because there were no Indians.

I watch my Dad quietly for a moment as he expertly flips over a piece of French toast with his spatula. "Where's Santana?" he asks.

"In the shower," I tell him.

He nods. "She'll eat a Sunday breakfast, right?"

I smile at him. "Of course," I reply. I don't bother telling him that she'll probably try to force me to go on a five mile run with her after, just to work it off.

"Ya know, I always thought it was your brother," my Dad says.

My brow furrows. "Huh?"

"The hats on the cattle. I thought it was Ryan who did that." He shoots me a sneaky smile.

"He used to help," I tell him, "Was Gus okay?"

He chuckles at that. "Yeah, he'll be fine. I wouldn't advise doing it again though." He's still smiling so I know he's not being completely serious and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"I won't," I promise.

"Did your friend help you?"

I nod, even though he's not looking at me. "Yeah," I reply. We're quiet for a moment, with only the sound of the food sizzling in the frying pan stopping it from being silent, then I huff out a breath. "Um… Dad?"

"Mm?"

I swallow thickly and try to ignore the way my heart is suddenly pounding in my chest. I'd planned to do this with Santana in the room but I think I need to do it before I get a chance to chicken out. And, in all honesty, I don't want her to be here if he takes it badly. What if he blames her like my Mom did?

"I kind of… wanted to talk to you about that," I say.

"About what, Honey?" he mumbles.

"Santana… you said she's my friend, but… she's not." I clear my throat because that wasn't the exact way I wanted to say it.

My Dad's brow furrows but he doesn't look up from the frying pan. "…Okay," he says, clearly waiting for me to elaborate.

"She's, um… my g-girlfriend. Like a real girlfriend… not a girl who's a friend…" I gulp and feel my breaths get shallow. My Dad doesn't look at me or say anything for what seems like a really long time and my chest seems to get tighter with each passing second. I start to wonder if I should say something more, but I wouldn't know what.

He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before he actually speaks. "That's fine," he says gently and without looking up, "How many eggs d'you want?"

My lungs fill with air the same way they would if I'd just been let out of a really tight bear hug. "Um… uh, one p-please," I answer, my voice barely above a whisper. I'm not sure why he's asking that now but I'm definitely not complaining. It's nice, just for _once_ , that someone isn't making me talk about it and my relationship with Santana doesn't feel like it's inside a goldfish bowl.

I let him finish cooking without saying anything else. It feels bizarrely normal.

Santana joins us just as my Dad starts serving up breakfast. I help him set out four platefuls of food as well as sides of French toast and a pitcher of orange juice while Santana puts out the knives and forks.

Gus strolls in a few minutes later, directing a scathing look at me but not saying anything as he slumps down in his chair. My Dad squeezes my shoulder as he moves past me to get to his seat and it makes me smile.

"Tom's nephews are coming by later to help us move the cattle into the other pasture. You remember Ryder and Brody, right Britt?" My Dad says before digging into the mountain of food on his plate.

I pause to think for a moment and shake my head when I decide that I don't. "I don't think so," I respond.

"Sure ya do," he mumbles through a mouthful of bacon, "you and your brother used to play with Ryder when you were little, and I paid Brody ten bucks to keep an eye on you while I worked," he tells me. It jogs my memory a little.

"Is Ryder the one who broke his arm that time?" I ask. It's hazy, but I do remember a little boy falling off the back of a stationary truck out in one of the pastures, and then me and Ryan having to stay with Laura while Tom took him to the hospital.

"Yep," my Dad replies and I nod.

"Do they know what they're doing?" I ask.

He chuckles at that. "Sure, they helped us with the cattle drive last year."

I feel my face scrunch up in confusion. "You had a cattle drive?"

"M-hm," he nods and takes a gulp of his drink before setting the glass back down again. "It was just a tourist thing. Not a real one."

I raise my eyebrows at him. "Since when were you running a Dude Ranch?" I ask. Gus lets out a sound – the first he's made since he sat down to breakfast – that sounds like a cross between a grunt and a cough, but what I actually think might have been a laugh.

My Dad playfully slaps the side of my head. "Watch your mouth," he mumbles without looking away from his food and I grin down at my plate.

/

"Which one is it?" Santana asks.

"The red one," I tell her.

She pulls the passenger side door open on my Dad's old, red truck and I dump the big canvas bag I've filled with picnic stuff on the middle seat before Santana places her purse on top.

"Wow. Seatbelts," she mutters once we're inside and I'm turning the key in the ignition. It takes two attempts before the truck turns over and Santana raises her eyebrows playfully at me.

I'm about to pull out onto the dirt road that'll take us away from the ranch when Santana puts her hand on my arm and makes me look at her. "Are you sure you don't wanna stay here?" she asks.

My eyebrows knit together. "Yeah. Why?"

She shrugs. "Well, you're supposed to be visiting your Dad and you've barely spent any time with him since we got here," she says.

"He can't just stop work 'cause I'm here," I explain, "At least I get to see him a little."

She slumps back in her seat and shrugs again. "Okay," she says, sounding unconvinced.

We've just made it out of the ranch's grounds and onto a highway flanked on one side by a cornfield and on the other, by an empty pasture when she speaks again. "You gonna tell me where we're going now?" she asks.

"The Water Hole," I reply.

"Sounds… nice," she says flatly.

"It is," I tell her, glancing away from the road to give her a smile, "and nobody ever goes there, so it'll be just us."

"Why does nobody go there if it's so nice?" she asks.

I don't look at her but I can't help the smile that tugs at my lips. "You'll see," I tell her.

/

"So, this is why you left your shoes in the truck…" Santana says as we stare out over the wet, muddy river bed in front of us.

"I told you to leave yours too," I mumble. My brow furrows because it's actually a lot wider and muddier than I remember it being.

"Is this the only way to get there?" she asks. I nod without looking at her. "And _that's_ why nobody else goes there?"

I nod again.

"Where's all the water?" she says, "We could've just used a boat."

I giggle because it's cute when gets all flustered and starts rambling. "There hasn't been water in it for as long as I can remember," I tell her. "C'mon." I begin moving forwards but Santana puts her hand on my arm and stops me.

"Are you crazy? I'm _not_ crossing that." She scrunches her face up in disgust.

"It's worth it, I promise," I tell her.

She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm sorry, Britt. No way."

I huff out a breath and move towards her, holding out the picnic bag I packed. She takes it hesitantly and raises her eyebrows at me, but before she gets a chance to ask what I'm doing, I put one arm around her shoulders and the other across the backs of knees and scoop her up so that I'm cradling her against my chest. She squeals and throws her arms around my neck, the canvas bag thudding against my back as she does so.

"Oh my God. What are you doing?" she giggles. I silently start walking forwards instead of answering and her grip tightens around my neck as realization seems to dawn on her. "Brittany, don't you fucking dare!" she warns, but I ignore her.

She squeals again as I step off the dry, stony path and into the mud. I sink into it up to my ankles and cringe as I feel it seep between my toes. This is a lot less fun than I remember it being. My whole body jerks with each step because the mud doesn't seem to like letting go of my feet and by the time I'm halfway across, my thighs and my arms are really starting to ache.

"It's like quicksand," I mumble.

"Brittany, if you drop me, I swear to God…" She doesn't finish her sentence and I smile and kiss the side of her head.

"I won't," I reassure her.

It takes a good five minutes to get to the other side. I set Santana down on dry land again and she glares at me and slaps me on the arm. "I can't believe you did that," she mutters.

"Well, you could've walked," I retort.

"It's gross. Look at your feet!" She screws her nose up and I look down at myself. From about midway down my shins to the tips of my toes are pretty much brown and I shrug as I look back at her.

"It'll wash off in the lake," I tell her. I walk past her and head down what's left of the footpath through this part of the forest and Santana falls into step beside me a moment later.

"How much farther?" she whines.

"Ten minutes, tops," I answer, and she huffs out a breath beside me.

/

Half an hour later we come to the clearing that overlooks the Water Hole. My heart squeezes inside my chest a little as I take in the view because I haven't come here in such a long time and it really is one of my favorite places in the world. I know haven't actually _been_ to a lot of places but I'm completely sure it would still be near the top of the list, even if I had. And now it's even better because Santana has been here too.

I watch the tension finally drain out of her body when she realizes that we don't have to walk anymore. I'm actually pretty glad we're here too; walking when it's this hot is not fun.

"It's really pretty, Britt." She gives me a small smile as I set the picnic bag down on the grassy bank at the side of the lake. I pull out a blanket and lay it down on the ground, flattening out the creases with my hands.

"D'you wanna swim or eat first?" I ask her.

She shrugs. "I don't mind."

"I don't think you're supposed to swim after you eat," I tell her, "maybe we should swim first?"

She smiles sweetly instead of answering and steps towards me as I stand upright again. "You look adorable," she almost whispers. I smile bashfully as her hands go to the straps on my overalls and I feel my heart rate pick up as she trails her fingers down them slowly, the backs of her knuckles brushing against my skin and her smile becoming more of a smirk. It surprises me a little when she unclips them and lets them fall from my body and into a puddle around my ankles. I kick them away from my feet as she backs away from me again, and the way she looks at my body makes my cheeks get warm.

She undresses quickly, kicking off her sneakers and pealing her shorts and tank top from her ever-so-slightly sweaty body. Her bikini is flimsy and red and I try not to stare as I hold my hand out towards her. She takes it quickly and lets me lead her to the water.

It's cold - colder than I remember it, but it feels good. I hold Santana's hand until I'm submerged up to my chest before turning to face her again. The water is a little higher on her, almost up to her neck, and her hair looks like pretty, black lace as it floats and fans out in front of her.

"It won't get much deeper than this, right?" she asks, sounding apprehensive. "I'm not that good of a swimmer."

I pull her closer to me by her waist before I answer. "It's okay, you can touch the floor with your feet everywhere," I tell her.

I think she's about to say something back but before she can I wrap my arms and legs around her and dunk as both under the water. I only hold her under for a second and she pushes against my chest with her hands as we resurface.

"You asshole!" she splutters. I giggle and rub at my eyes and open them just as a wave of water hits me in the face.

Santana laughs and lunges towards me then but misses. I lean back and splash her with my feet as I kick away from her and towards the rocks at the far end of the lake and she follows me with a sneaky smile on her face, the kind that makes my tummy do flip flops. I reach the rocks a good few seconds before her because she's a slow swimmer and wait for her to catch up. She doesn't try to splash me again as she approaches.

"Have I ever told you, you look really good in blue?" she mumbles once she's close enough. She _has_ told me that, but I don't say anything back as she presses her body into mine, forcing me gently against the wall of rocks behind me. Her skin feels especially warm in the cold water.

She leans forward and kisses me without warning and my hands automatically go to her waist. Her lips are wet and cold and slippery, but they still feel _so,_ so soft and they slide easily over mine. She uses her hands to brush my hair back where it sticks to my face and when she pushes her tongue into my mouth I feel my knees buckle beneath me. Santana pins me tighter between her body and the rocks and I think it's the only thing keeping me upright.

My fingers dig tightly into her back as her mouth becomes frantic against mine, all teeth and tongue, and suddenly I don't feel like we're kissing anymore. I'm being kissed by her. I let out a soft, muffled grunt, " _mmph,"_ when she slides her hand down my chest and squeezes roughly at my boob. It makes my skin hot, it feels like it should be hot enough to warm up the water around us, and I find myself having to pinch my thighs together as my toes curl into the ground.

My eyes shoot open as it suddenly dawns on me where this is headed. It's not that I don't want to – I think I want to more than anything. It's taking every bit of willpower I have not to grab her hand and push it under the waistband of my bikini bottoms so that she can touch me – but I don't want it to be the same way it always seems to be now. I don't want to do sexy stuff and then have her go all quiet and refuse to hug me. It makes my chest ache, just thinking about it.

I pull my lips away from hers with a wet smack and Santana lets out a gasp. I push her away gently – I try to smile so that it seems playful - and slip out from between her and the rocks. I'm breathing heavily and I think she is too.

"What the hell, Britt?" she pants. I don't look at her face as she says it. I push myself onto my front and swim back towards the bank and I think I can hear her following me, but I'm not sure.

The sun warms me immediately when I get out of the water – a different kind of warm - and I collapse down onto our picnic blanket, stretched out on my back. It's hot, almost _too_ hot, until Santana approaches and stands over me with her feet either side of my hips, momentarily blocking out the sun. She drops to her knees and plants her hands either side of my head and smirks down at me.

"This is how it feels to be bacon," I mumble. Santana's brow furrows and her smirk disappears. "'Cause it's really hot," I clarify.

She breathes a laugh. "Right," she whispers. Then she huffs out a breath and rolls away from me so that she's on her back too.

I cuddle into her side, resting my head on her chest and running my hand over her tummy. Her skin is wet but it feels good and I can't help but press kisses to whatever parts of her I can reach.

"It _is_ too hot," she mutters, "we should've stayed in the water."

"Hmm…" I hum in agreement, "I guess I could blow on you if you want?" I tease.

Santana giggles a little at that. "If I remember rightly, that didn't do much to cool me off the last time," she argues.

I lift my head and lean on my elbow so I can look down at her. She blushes a little and as she rolls her eyes and looks away from me, it's obvious she regrets saying that, at least a little bit. "I was just trying to help," I say. I grin as she looks at me again.

"I'm so sure," she mutters.

"Why else would I have done it?" I give her a sloppy cheek kiss after I've asked.

"Umm… 'cause you were trying to get in my pants?" she answers, raising her eyebrows at me.

I gasp and playfully slap her shoulder. "I was not," I mutter. I don't _think_ that was the reason anyway. I guess it could have been, or maybe I just went crazy for a couple of minutes and didn't know what I wanted. I don't think it matters anymore, I haven't really thought about it in a while.

Santana puts her hand on my cheek and smiles gently before whispering, "I really wanted to kiss you that day."

My heart jolts a little at that and I swallow thickly – I think it's the most intimate thing she's said to me in a while. I suddenly feel dizzy in the best possible way. "R-really?" I stutter.

Her smile grows and she nods. "Yeah... I would've done it too, if you hadn't looked so terrified."

I feel my cheeks flush red. "I did?" I ask softly. I guess I was a _little_ scared, on top of a whole bunch of other things.

"M-hm," she nods again, "I couldn't figure out if you wanted to run away, puke, or take off my clothes."

I giggle at that and so does she. "I don't think I knew either," I tell her, smiling.

She shrugs, the backs of her shoulders ruffling up the picnic blanket a little. "Well, we got there eventually," she says.

I smile but I can't bring myself to agree with her, not right now. Her thumb starts stroking over the skin just in front of my ear and it makes me close my eyes and let out a sigh. "Santana?" I say.

"Mm?"

I hesitate for a moment, and I keep my eyes closed because it's easier. "What's going on?" I ask. Her thumb stops moving and when I look at her, her eyebrows are knitted together. "You've been… different," I tell her, barely above a whisper. She looks away from me without answering and my heart rate picks up.

We stay that way for a few moments before she sits up, forcing me to move too. She crosses her legs, Indian style, and I do the same so that I'm facing her side. I don't want her to feel like she has to talk – even if I am desperate for her to – but if she does I figure it'll be easier for her if she doesn't have to look right at me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I mumble. She pulls my hand into her lap and looks down at it as she plays with my fingers.

"Of course not," she says, shaking her head. She's quiet again for a few moments and I just wait. "I'm sorry," she breathes.

I shake my head. "You don't have to be sorry," I tell her, "I just want you to be happy and it doesn't seem like you are." I bite my bottom lip.

"It's not that," she whispers, and then she lets out a heavy breath, "I know I'm fucking awful at dealing with things. I just… freak out and then act like a jerk. I don't mean to."

I lean forwards and rest my chin on her shoulder. I can't help but feel a little happy because I honestly thought getting her to talk would be much harder than this. "What are you freaking out about?" I ask.

She shakes her head again. "I dunno, _everything._ The Quinn thing… I don't know." She drops my hand and starts playing with her own fingers instead.

"You're upset about what she said?" That doesn't seem to make any sense; I already told her I didn't care about the stuff Quinn told me.

"No… I mean, she made it worse, I guess, but I'm just waiting for you to realize I'm not as great as you think I am." She shrugs like it doesn't matter.

Something seems to click inside my head when she says that, and suddenly I feel so dumb and guilty for not realizing before. It makes my chest ache. She thinks I'm going to find something that I don't like and leave. She thinks that's what people do.

"That won't happen," I tell her. I wish, just for a moment, that she could read my mind. I don't ever want her to think things like that.

"You don't know that," she says, "You can't promise me things won't change. No one can." She turns her head further away from me and I sigh as I tilt my face and rest my cheek against her shoulder.

"Okay," I breathe, "Then can't we just enjoy how we feel about each other now? You make me really happy and I think I make you happy too when you stop thinking so much," I say. Her muscles seem to relax a little - I feel her soften, but not completely.

I lift my head away from her shoulder when she shifts a little under my cheek. She turns her face so that she's looking at me – I can't help but notice how dark and watery her eyes look - and then she leans forward and rests our foreheads together. We stay that way for long moments, just quietly breathing the same air, and then I see Santana biting her lip.

"You're right," she whispers. It's so quiet I barely hear it. I'm about to ask her what exactly she means but before I can she speaks again. "Lie down," she says gently.

I only hesitate for a split second before I comply without asking questions. I'm pretty sure I would do anything she asked me to do right now. Actually, I'm pretty sure I would _always_ do anything she asked me to do.

She crawls on top of my body with her legs either side of me and sits on my hips, just below my belly button. "Brittany," she says, a tiny, shy smile tugging at her lips. It makes me smile too, "Are you _sure_ nobody else will come down here?" she asks.

I feel my smile get wider and I shake my head. "Nobody else is stupid enough to wade through all that mud," I tell her.

She breathes a laugh and then nods before lifting her hand to pull at the string that holds up her bikini top. It comes loose and my eyes go wide as she peels the wet material away from her body and drops it beside her.

"What're you doing?" I ask, breathless.

She leans forwards with her hands either side of my head and lowers her face towards mine. She's so close, I almost feel her lips move as she speaks, "What I should've been doing this whole time," she whispers, and then she closes the space between us and takes my bottom lip between hers.

It's a soft kiss. I feel her hand move to touch my cheek as my eyes drift closed and it makes me feel like I'm melting. After a few moments she slides her lips over my opposite cheek and my breath shakes a little as she starts tugging at my bikini top string. It comes undone easily but she pulls away from me and I have to arch my back so that she can reach behind me and take it off.

She stays sitting up, still straddling my hips, and keeps her eyes on mine as she puts her hands on my shoulders. She moves them slowly over my body, down past my collar bones and over my breasts until they're on my tummy. I feel my muscles twitch beneath her fingers as they brush over my skin and I can't remember a time something so gentle and sweet made my heart thud so erratically inside my chest.

Her little smile is the prettiest thing ever, timid but determined. She takes my hand with hers and brings it up to her face, kissing my wrist sweetly, and then she lowers her body back down on top of mine. Where our boobs and our tummies press together is electric; it makes my inner thighs tingle, and her movements are easy as her damp skin slides over mine. She kisses me everywhere: first my neck and then down both of my arms, my hands, my tummy, that spot she likes at the top of my ribs and the little divot by my hipbone. My eyes almost roll back in my head, just from how… _pleasant_ it is. She asks if she can take off my bottoms and I nod emphatically.

I lift my butt and then my legs as she peels them from me and then she crawls back up my body. She presses sweet, open-mouthed kisses over my chest, her lips squishing into the soft skin of my breast and then she begins running her tongue slowly around my nipple. I gasp as the muscles in my tummy tighten and when she sucks it into her mouth I feel my back arch and I can't help the way my hand moves to clutch at her wet hair.

She does that until I'm panting before she finally lets go with a wet smack and kisses her way back to my lips. I pull her by the back of her head into a deep kiss, our lips bruising together, and when I push my tongue through her lips, she lets out a breathed moan into my mouth.

As we kiss I feel her knees pushing against the insides of my thighs, forcing them further apart, but it doesn't really register, what she's doing, until her hand moves between our bodies and I feel her fingers touching me. I gasp against her lips and I realize for the first time just how wet I am. I think the way Santana smiles against my lips would embarrass me if she wasn't making me feel so good.

She keeps her forehead pressed to mine and makes circles on that spot at the top that makes me see stars.

I grip tightly at the backs of her shoulders as her fingers move firmly downwards and when she pushes two fingers inside me I feel my back arch up off of the blanket. " _Fuhh,_ " I moan.

Santana buries her face against my shoulder as she starts up a rhythm, pressing her fingers in and out of me, softly at first and then gradually firmer and quicker. Her whole body rocks with her movements, her skin sliding over mine, and I'm not sure if the wetness is from the lake or from sweat now. Her breathing is really heavy and raspy, almost like panting, and I like the way it sounds. It makes me want to stop making any noises so that I can hear her better but I can't. I whimper with almost every thrust and when I feel myself getting tighter around her fingers, she starts rubbing against the outside with her thumb.

Suddenly my whole body seizes up. I feel my fingernails dig into her skin a lot harder than I mean to and all my muscles tense and contract with each wave of pleasure. I bite down hard on my bottom lip, but a strangled moan still gets out as my body jerksand surges against hers and then finally relaxes. I collapse, exhausted, flat on the blanket, my eyes closed and my breathing heavy. I whimper when Santana pulls her fingers out of me and then I feel her kissing me again: sweet little fairy kisses over my neck and my cheeks.

I open my eyes when she puts her hand on my face. She's smiling gently down at me and I try to smile back but it's lazy, I can barely keep my eyes open. "I love you," she whispers, and then she takes my bottom lip softly between hers.

"I love you, too," I mumble when she pulls away again. I can still feel my heart thumping wildly inside my chest and I feel like it should have at least started to slow down by now. My whole body is shaking too. I think it's because I've had dreams like this before, except in my dreams we weren't by a lake, we were on a bed, and one time in a giant's castle. It's a little surreal that it's actually happening.

I feel her hand on top of mine then, and she slides it down between our bodies and slips it beneath the wet material of her bikini bottoms. She's hot and slippery and she presses the side of her face against mine as I begin moving my fingers against her. It doesn't take long for her to fall apart. I know she's coming when I feel her hand squeezing at my shoulder and she presses her lips hard against my cheek, stifling her moan.

She goes limp on top of me and I wrap my arms tightly around her, holding her close as she breathes heavy breaths into my neck.

"Britt…" she pants, but doesn't say anything else.

"It's okay," I mumble, although I'm not completely sure why.

She burrows her face into my chest. "It's just… hard," she whispers, still sounding breathless. It pulls me, much quicker than usual, out of my post-sexy times daze. "…when I feel like you're gonna stop loving me," she finishes.

The way she says it makes me hug her tighter. "I won't," I tell her.

"You promise?"

I nod and reach down with my hand, linking my pinky finger with her hers and holding it tightly. " _Pinky_ promise," I say. I think I feel her breathe out a laugh.

"What's a pinky promise?" she asks.

"Just something I do with Katie," I answer, "You can't break a pinky promise 'cause if you do a racoon will die or something."

She full-on giggles at that, even though she's still out of breath, and it makes me grin. "A _racoon_?"

"Uh-huh," I nod, "Or maybe a fairy, I can't remember."

"Right," she says. She takes her hand away from mine and snakes her arms under my body then, so that they're pinned between my back and the picnic blanket, and I let my eyes drift closed. It's too hot to be hugging weather, really, but I don't think either of us minds.

We don't say anything else after that, but for once, I don't feel like we need to.

/

When we head back to the truck I carry Santana across the mud again, but this time on my back. I thought it would be easier because I'd be able to see where I was going but the picnic bag keeps thumping into my stomach and I nearly drop her twice from jerking my feet out of the ground.

It takes almost twenty minutes for us to get across.

We parked the truck earlier at the side of the road just outside the edge of the forest. "D'you want me to drive?" Santana asks as we approach it.

"Sure." I fish the keys out of the bag and throw them to her and she catches them against her chest.

"Won't your Dad be mad about you getting in his truck all muddy?" she asks as I slide into the passenger seat and pull the door closed behind me.

I shake my head. "Nah, it's mostly dry now. Besides, he knew where we were going when I asked to borrow it." I shrug and she nods.

We sit there quietly for a few moments but she doesn't make any move to start the engine. I'm about to ask her if she's okay but she lets out a heavy sigh before I can. "I need to tell you something," she says flatly.

"Okay," I nod, "Actually, so do I," I tell her. I was planning on telling her down by the lake but I got a little distracted.

"Oh…" she turns her face to look at me, "Then, you go first," she says.

"Okay," I smile and reach across the seat between us for her hand and she squeezes my fingers tightly. "I told my Dad about us," I say.

Her eyebrows shoot up. "What? When? What did he say?" she splutters.

I grin at her. "This morning, before you came down for breakfast. He said it's fine."

She shakes her head for a moment in disbelief. "I don't… but… he was acting so normal…"

I shrug. "I guess he doesn't think it's a big deal," I tell her. She gulps and looks away from me and we're quiet again for a few moments. "What was yours?" I ask.

"Huh?" She looks a little dumbstruck.

"You had something to tell me too," I prompt her.

"Oh… right." She shakes her head as if to clear it, and then lets go of my hand to pull her purse out from underneath the picnic bag that sits between us. I'm not sure why she needs her purse and my legs bob up and down in anticipation as she begins rooting through it. A few moments later she pulls out a creased manila envelope, "I've been carrying this around in my purse for almost two months," she says, holding it out for me to take. I do so tentatively.

My brow furrows when I see that it's addressed to me, at my apartment back in Lima, and also that it's clearly been opened and resealed. "How'd you get this?" I ask.

She sighs. "I wanted it to be a surprise, like it would just show up at your door one day and you'd open it and be all happy and stuff. But then I was at your apartment the day it came and I guess I chickened out. I put it in my purse when you weren't looking." She shoves her hands between her knees and looks a little sheepish, so I give her a small smile.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Just open it."

I nod and tear into it like a child opening a birthday present, ripping out the letter that's inside as soon as it's visible. It's a few pages thick but the first page is the only one I need to read. My eyebrows knit tighter and tighter together the more it goes on until I'm forced to look back at Santana again.

"It says I got into Lima City College," I mumble, confused. Santana smiles bashfully and just nods. "I don't understand," I say, looking back at the letter in my lap, "I didn't apply."

"Yeah. I… kind of applied for you," she says quietly. "I _may_ have had to forge your signature a few times, I hope that's okay." I see her lean towards me out of the corner of my eye and she taps the page with her pointer finger. "Look, they're giving you second-year entry. I know it's not Miller or Ohio State or anything, but you can still get your teaching degree and your license and stuff," she tells me.

I nod but don't reply as she slumps back in her seat. I feel my heart squeezing inside my chest and I'm not sure what to say, I can't believe she thought to do this for me.

"I mean… if you _want_ to," she says timidly.

I look at her again then, and try to snap myself out of my daze. "I do want to," I say, "but… I can't." I have to force the words out because I'm pretty sure this is one of the nicest things anybody has ever done for me and I don't want her to think I'm not grateful. "It's just… money and stuff. And I wouldn't have anywhere to live if I stopped working, it's not like I can move back in with my Mom," I tell her.

She nods and looks down at her lap. "I know, I did think of that, but… I might have a solution." She has a sneaky smile on her face and it makes me smile too, even though she's not looking at me. "I mean, I know tuition is expensive, and you'd have to take out a loan for that, and I totally get it if you don't want to. But, I think I can help you with the other stuff…"

I feel my brow furrow. "What d'you mean?" Is she talking about _money?_ There's no way I'd ever take money from her, she knows that.

"Well, you know how I'm gonna stay with you until I can get a new apartment?"

"Uh-huh," I nod.

"Okay… well, what if I… _stayed_ staying with you?" she says. When she looks at me, it looks like she's forcing her eyes to meet mine.

I swallow thickly. "You mean like… living together?"

She nods and a small smile tugs at her lips. "Yeah, like living together," she says. I huff out a breath and look back down at my letter. I want to say _yes_ , more than anything, but this seems like the kind of thing you shouldn't answer right away. It feels big. When I don't say anything, Santana keeps talking, "I know we'll be poor as fuck, and I might have to sell my car, but we could totally live on what I make teaching, and then you could just focus on college. That's what you want, right?"

I nod without looking at her because I can't think of anything I want more - going back to college like I'd always planned, _and_ getting to be with Santana all the time, that's a dream come true. "Yeah, it _is_ , but I can't ask you to make that kind of commitment. You'd pretty much be supporting me for three years…"

"So?" she retorts, "You're not asking, I'm _offering_. It's what I want to do."

We're quiet again for a moment. I really don't want to ask her, especially after earlier, but I know I have to. "But what if it doesn't work out?" I mumble.

She looks away from me and shrugs. "We won't know unless we try," she says, "and it's not like I'd just abandon you if it didn't." She huffs out a breath and I feel my ears burn. That's not what I meant at all.

"I know that," I say gently, but she doesn't say anything back. "Can... I think about it?" I ask tentatively.

She doesn't say anything for a few moments, but then her shoulders slump and she finally looks at me with a little smile. "Of course," she says.

I breathe a sigh of relief and smile back at her. I watch her as she fastens her seatbelt and turns the key in the ignition. She glances at me with gentle eyes one last time before we pull out onto the road and head back to the ranch.


	18. Here Comes the Sun Part II

**Saturday, April 28th** **2012**

_A peaceful smile tugs at my lips as I press my ear to Santana's chest. Her heart rate is starting to slow a little now but her skin is still clammy. She'll want to take a shower soon, but until then there's still that little trace of what we just did on her and it always makes me inexplicably happy. I love these mornings._

_I reach down and tug the comforter lazily back up our bodies so that we're covered up to our waists and then Santana wraps her arms around me, her fingers trailing gently up and down my arm. I'll never understand how something so small can feel like absolute bliss._

" _Did I tell you my parents are coming to visit in a couple weeks?" Santana murmurs._

" _Nope," I whisper back as my eyes drift closed. I would definitely remember her telling me something like that._

" _I want them to meet you," she says._

_My peaceful smile grows a little. "Okay."_

" _Okay?" Her fingers still against my arm, "So, you wouldn't mind?"_

 _I try to shake my head, but then I remember that my cheek is pressed against her chest. "I'd really like it," I mumble. The thought of meeting her Mom and Dad is a little nerve-wracking, but the fact that she_ wants _me to meet them at all makes me feel stupidly happy._

_Her body relaxes a little. "Okay. Good," she says gently._

" _Yeah," I whisper back._

_/_

**Sunday, June 24th** **2012**

The drive back to the ranch is mostly silent, save for the rumbling of the truck's engine and the radio which I _think_ is playing music beneath the static. The signal out here never was very good.

We pull off the highway and onto the dirt road that'll take us up to the ranch and it can't be more than a couple of minutes later that Santana's brow furrows. "What's going on?" she mumbles.

I let my gaze move away from the side of her face for the first time since we started driving to look out of the windshield. A little way up ahead is a small cluster of people: my Dad and Tom and two younger guys whom I don't recognize. My Dad and Tom are hunched over beside one of the boys while the other watches them with his arms folded over his chest. As we get closer I can just make out what looks like a disbelieving grin on his face.

My Dad looks up and shoots me a quick smile as we slow to a stop a few feet away. "Be right back," I tell Santana as I swing the passenger's side door open and hop out. The men all look up at me as I approach, the younger-looking of the two new guys wincing. The pained expression doesn't leave his face as he looks away from me again and back down at the ground.

"Ryder's got his foot stuck in the cattle grid," my Dad mumbles before I get a chance to ask him what they're doing.

"Oh," I say back, mostly because I'm not really sure how to respond. I barely remember Ryder so I don't really know what the appropriate thing to say would be.

The older-looking guy, whose muscles I can practically see bursting through his denim shirt, giggles and shakes his head, much to Ryder's chagrin.

"Brody bet me ten bucks I couldn't fit my foot down there," Ryder mumbles sheepishly.

I smile at that. "I got my toe stuck in the plug-hole in the bathtub once," I tell him, "and this one time my friend, Puck, got his head stuck in a fence when he was drunk and fire-fighters had to come cut him out."

Ryder's face breaks into a pained smile. "Good to know," he says quietly.

" _I'm_ Brody, by the way," the other guy pipes up and I nod even though I had already figured that out by myself. He looks me up and down with his arms still folded and smirks as his gaze falls to my feet. I feel myself flush red when I realize he must be looking at my muddy legs. "I used to babysit you when we were kids," he says.

" _Actually,_ " Ryder chimes in, "he used to give us half the money your Dad gave him for babysitting so that we wouldn't tattle when he went to the arcade instead of watching us."

My Dad's eyebrows knit together and he gives Brody a reproachful look. Tom chuckles as Brody cowers a little under his gaze and I decide to change the subject quickly. "D'you need any help, Dad?" I ask, turning my attention back to him.

He shakes his head. "Gus just went to get a hacksaw, we should be able to cut him out," he says, and Ryder audibly gulps. "You okay going back round the other way?" he asks me.

"Sure," I answer. I'm about to turn and walk back to the truck but Brody speaks up again and I stop.

"Who's your friend?" he asks, pointedly nodding his head forwards.

I turn the top part of my body briefly to look at Santana through the windshield and then back at Brody again. "My friend… uh… Santana," I tell him. It comes out quietly and I can't bring myself to look at my Dad. I feel even less comfortable than I usually do, calling her my _friend_ in front of someone who knows she's not.

Brody's smile widens. "You guys should come out with me and Ryder later if he gets outta here with both feet intact. There's this bar in town we go to," he says.

I nod. "Yeah, sure," I reply.

I look at Ryder one last time and he smiles at me, before I mumble a _goodbye_ to my Dad and Tom and head back towards the truck.

I stroll round to the driver's side door and pull it open and Santana scrunches her forehead at me. "We have to go round the other way," I tell her, "You want me to drive?"

"'Kay," she nods and hops out so we can switch places.

There's not enough room to turn around so I have to back up all the way back to the highway. "D'you know where you're going?" Santana asks once we're back on the road again. I must look as confused as I feel.

"Kind of," I reply, "It's been a while."

"You're not gonna get us lost, are you?" she mutters, only half playfully.

I shake my head. "Of course not," I tell her, even though I'm not completely sure it's true.

"What was going on back there?" she asks.

"Oh… Ryder got his foot stuck in the cattle grid."

"… _Right_ ," she says slowly.

I don't say anything back to her after that, mostly because I'm concentrating, and I manage to find the other entrance to the ranch with relative ease around ten minutes later. Santana jumps out of the truck to open and close the gate for me and then we have to drive across one of the pastures, but I know it's okay because there are already tire tracks in the grass.

We pull up outside the stables and I switch the engine off, plunging us into silence. Neither of us makes any move to get out.

I look down at the picnic bag sitting between us. I can't see it but my acceptance letter is inside; I put it in there while Santana was driving. I really want to talk about it some more, but I don't think there's anything else we can say until I have an answer for her, and then I look up at Santana and all I want is to kiss her. Not just a normal kiss, I want to kiss her everywhere, slowly and carefully, the same way she did to me earlier. I want her to know how much I love her, because obviously I haven't been _saying_ it right.

"Maybe you should read my diary," I mumble.

Santana's eyebrows knit together and she looks at me for the first time since we stopped. "Huh?"

"Then it'd be you were reading my mind," I explain, "I know I'm not good at saying stuff, but I write about you in there all the time and it's always good-"

"Britt," she sighs and then looks away from me, "It's okay… I know you love me. This is _my_ problem."

I nod, even though I don't really agree with that, and look down at my hands. "Do you need me to say it more?" I ask, my voice quiet and a little shaky. Conversations like this make me nervous because I feel like I'm not going to understand something right or I'm just going to accidentally say something that makes it worse.

I see her shake her head out of the corner of my eye and then she reaches over and takes my hand with hers. "No," she says gently, "you say it more than I do."

I turn my face so that I'm looking at her again and lean my cheek against the head rest. "Then what?" I whisper, "I'll do anything."

She smiles sweetly at me. "I know you would. If I wasn't such an idiot I think that'd be all I need to know."

I just smile back at her because I'm not sure I know exactly what she means by that. After a few moments, Santana takes a deep breath and rolls her eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips. "What was farm boy saying to you earlier?" she asks.

"He wants us to go for drinks with him and Ryder later," I tell her, "Is that okay?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I guess."

"I need a shower," I mumble. Santana giggles a little and it makes my heart flutter.

"You do," she agrees.

I get an idea and feel a sneaky smile tug at my lips as I look up at her through my eyelashes. "Wanna help me?" I ask.

She blushes a little but smiles too. "I'm sure you can manage by yourself," she says. I fake pout and she rolls her eyes. "Britt, c'mon! Someone could walk in."

My pout turns back into a smile. "I know," I say, drawing the word out, "I was kidding."

Santana breathes a laugh and then her thumb starts moving over the back of my hand. She looks like she's still blushing a little. "Earlier, back at the lake… that was what you wanted, right?" she asks, barely above a whisper.

I nod at her. "Of course. More than anything. I mean… only if it's what you wanted?" I hope we're both talking about the same thing.

She smiles a little. "It was… _is_."

I let out a relieved breath. "That's good," I whisper.

"Yeah."

We're quiet again for a few moments and then Santana smiles again. Her grip on my hand tightens as she leans over the picnic bag towards me and then she kisses me softly before I can ask her what she's doing.

I let my eyes drift closed as I move my hand to press my palm against her cheek and I can't help but smile against her lips.

/

After I've showered, Santana and I decide to go outside to watch the others work. They've freed Ryder by the time we get out there and we sit on the stone wall at the edge of the pasture as they herd the cattle into the field on their horses.

When they're done, Brody and Ryder start moving bales of hay from the back of a pick-up into the new pasture, and after a while I start feeling a little uncomfortable with the way Brody keeps smirking over at Santana and pausing to whisper things to Ryder with his eyes still on her. It's not like I blame him or anything, but it kind of makes me wish I could take her hand and squeeze it so that everyone knows she's with me.

My Dad lets them finish just before sunset and the first thing they do is make their way over to us, their grins wide and their shirts clinging to their sweaty bodies.

"Still up for drinks?" Brody asks once they're close enough. "Your Dad said it's okay."

I nod and tell him, " _Sure,"_ and he gestures for us to follow him back to their truck. It only has one long bench seat, kind of like Gus' truck, so Santana, Ryder and I have to squeeze up really close together while Brody drives.

The drive into town only takes around twenty minutes and it's almost dark when we pull up outside a dive bar called _Blue's._ I've seen it before but I've never been inside.

Santana and I both get carded by the bartender but he seems to know Brody and Ryder so they don't. Brody orders our drinks for us and tells the two of us to find some seats so we do. My shoes stick to the wooden floor as we walk and I try to ignore the way the other patrons are staring at us.

I guess they're not used to new people coming in here.

Santana eventually takes my hand and pulls me over to a small, circular table in the far corner. We're not exactly obscured from view but it's slightly more comfortable.

"Okay, one drink and we're leaving," she mutters.

"We can't be rude," I tell her and she just huffs in response.

Brody and Ryder join us a few minutes later, setting our drinks down in front of us, a rum and coke for Santana and a gin and tonic for me, before sitting down themselves.

"Sorry. They'll stop staring soon," Ryder tells us before taking a sip of his coke. I guess he's designated driver.

I nod and smile at him. "It's okay."

"You're probably the first women under sixty who've come in here in years," says Brody.

I just nod and smile down at my glass and the four of us are quiet for a few moments. "Hey, how's Ryan?" Ryder asks. I look up at him and he's looking back at me with a dopey grin that makes it impossible for me not to smile too.

"He's good," I tell him, "he's at nursing school now."

Ryder nods and then Brody speaks. "Nursing school? He's gonna be a guy nurse?" he asks. I nod and Brody raises his eyebrows as he takes a swig of beer. I'm not sure exactly what that expression means but I try not to dwell on it.

"Hey, remember that time aunt Laura made us go to Sunday school?" Ryder asks, "And the three of us stuffed Ryan inside that piano?"

I snort as the memory comes flooding back to me and I hear Santana giggle beside me. "You put your brother inside a piano?" she asks, disbelieving.

"He was the smallest," I tell her, shrugging.

"Right. Of course," she mumbles. I know she's teasing so I playfully nudge her shoulder with mine.

The conversation flows a little easier after that, and the rest of the people in the bar _do_ stop staring eventually, like Ryder said they would. I drink all my drinks slowly because I don't really want to get drunk, and I think Santana is doing the same thing, but Brody somehow manages to get through eight beers in the time it takes Santana and I to drink three.

Every time he comes back from the bar Brody seems to edge his seat a little further around the table and closer to Santana and it makes my chest feel tight and the backs of my eyes sting. I kind of want to push him off his stupid chair.

He leans close to her, I think to whisper something in her ear, and I notice Santana suddenly go stiff beside me. She reaches under the table, then I see her forcefully pushing Brody's hand into his own lap and I realize he must have had it on her leg.

"Look," she hisses, "I'm not single, and I'm _not_ interested."

I feel my face heat up as the words leave her mouth and Ryder looks awkwardly down at his drink on my other side. Brody's grin only seems to get wider and he leans towards Santana again.

"Well, is your boyfriend here? 'Cause I won't tell if you won't," he slurs. I can tell he wouldn't be talking that way if he hadn't had so much to drink and I'm not sure if I really hate him or if I feel bad for him. He's probably going to be super embarrassed about this tomorrow.

" _No_ , but my _girlfriend_ is sitting right next to me, and if you touch me again I will rip your fucking balls off," Santana tells him through gritted teeth.

Brody's face falls like deadweight but before I get a chance to take in what Santana just told him she's standing up and yanking me out of my seat.

"C'mon, hurry up," she huffs. I stumble backwards a little but Santana holds me up and then the rest of the people in the bar go back to staring at us as she tugs me towards the door.

"Wait! How are you gonna get home?" Ryder calls out. I pause and turn to look him, half out of his seat with an expression of genuine concern written on his face, before Santana pulls forcefully at my arm again.

"We'll walk," she mutters, probably not loud enough for him to hear, as she tugs me out of the door. It's still really warm outside, even though it's dark, and it's kind of a relief.

"Asshole!" she hisses, still pulling me along down the empty street.

"He's just drunk," I tell her, "he didn't mean it."

"He's a fucking brat, who's probably not used to girls actually saying _no_ to him," she argues.

"Okay," I agree, "but maybe we should go back inside."

She stops abruptly and turns to look at me, dropping my hand. "What?" she snaps.

"We need them to take us home," I tell her.

Her shoulders slump and she sighs. "We can walk. It's not that far, right?"

"No, but I'm not sure I know the way," I explain.

Santana opens her mouth to say something back, but before she can there's a commotion behind us. I turn to see Brody burst out of the door of the bar, followed closely by Ryder who I think is trying to stop him. "Hey, ladies. Where ya goin'?" he calls out.

I feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach as he comes closer, even though he's smiling. He brushes past me and puts his hands on both of Santana's shoulders, pushing her backwards a couple of steps. "C'mon," he slurs, "You're not a dyke, look at you."

Santana's eyes go wide as Ryder tugs Brody backwards by his shirt. "C'mon, man. Leave 'em alone," he says as he tries to pull him away from her.

I'm not sure why I do it, it's just the only thing I can think of to make him stop touching her, and he _needs_ to stop touching her. I squeeze my body in between Brody and Santana and wrap myself tightly around her.

"What're you doing?" she gasps. I can feel her trying to push me away as the boys scuffle behind me but it only makes me hold onto her tighter. "Britt, let go!" she protests.

I suddenly feel something thump against my back, hard, and it knocks the wind out of me but I still don't let go of her.

"Fuckin'… bitch!" Brody grunts. His voice sounds further away now and I allow myself a glance behind us to find Ryder dragging Brody away from us backwards by his arms. He doesn't seem to be struggling so much anymore.

"I'm so sorry," Ryder calls out. Neither of us says anything back and a few seconds later they both disappear back inside the bar.

I loosen my grip on Santana and take a step back. "Are you okay?" It comes out like a whisper even though I don't mean for it to.

"Yeah. Are _you_ okay?" she asks, her expression softening. She moves her hand to cup my face and when her thumb rubs over my cheek I realize for the first time that I'm crying. I start wiping frantically at my face with my hands. "Did he hurt you?" she prompts.

"I dunno. I think he just hit my back," I tell her.

Her bottom lip pokes out and she wraps her fingers around my wrists to stop my hands moving. "You want me to take a look?" she asks.

I shake my head. "No. I'm okay."

She sighs and then looks around us with a kind of hopeless expression on her face. "Is there any way we can get a cab round here?" she asks.

"I don't know any numbers," I tell her, "but I think I know where the office is. We could walk there?"

She shrugs at me. "Will it be easier than trying to walk back to the ranch?"

"Probably not," I answer. I step away from her and take my cell phone out of my pocket. "It's only ten. I could call my Dad and ask him to pick us up."

"Will he be mad?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Okay," she says.

I call my Dad and he agrees to come get us without asking questions, much to my relief. I'd really rather not have to explain what just happened and why we need a ride. When I hang up, Santana's eyes are glued to me and her expression is gentle and concerned.

"He said he'd probably be a half hour," I tell her.

She nods and steps closer to me, then she moves her hands up to wrap around the back of my neck and I feel her thumbs stroking over my skin. "You're all shaky," she whispers.

I shrug my shoulders. "I just thought he was gonna hurt you," I mumble.

"But he didn't," she answers.

I nod slowly. "And he called you…" I don't finish because I know she'll know what I mean.

Santana sighs and rests her forehead against mine, closing her eyes. "It wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last," she says.

"That doesn't make it okay."

She shrugs. "It's not worth getting upset over."

Instead of answering, I wrap my arms around her waist and move my head so that it's resting on her shoulder. Mostly because I think it's easier right now to not say anything and just believe she's right.

/

**Monday, June 25th** **2012**

I wake up before Santana. I can tell it's early because it's not that hot yet, but still late enough that I know my Dad will already be outside working and we're alone in the house. Santana has her arm slung over my stomach and her face buried in my neck and I have to be really careful as I slide away from her and out of the bed, so as not to wake her.

I keep peeking back at her as I edge the bedroom door open and I breathe a sigh of relief as I slip out into the hallway and make my way toward the bathroom.

I think I've almost forgotten about what happened at the bar until I step into the shower and under the stream of water. Suddenly the top of my back stings and I remember getting hit there last night.

When I'm done washing I inspect it in the bathroom mirror as best I can. There's a deep, red bruise about the size of my fist starting to form between my shoulder blades and I inwardly curse the fact that I'm probably going to have to spend the rest of the summer wearing tee shirts to cover it.

Santana is still asleep when I go back into my room so I decide to get dressed and leave her in bed while I go downstairs. The kitchen is empty when I get down there and I suddenly realize I'm not very hungry at all. I debate making coffee for a moment before deciding not to, and then I head outside. Maybe my Dad will let me watch him work again for a little while.

I come across Tom first. He's in the new cow pasture, breaking up bales of hay with a pitchfork so I head towards him. I lean on the fence and he falters in his work a little when he notices me, only looking up for a second before continuing what he's doing in silence.

"Have you seen my Dad?" I ask him. He shakes his head, but still doesn't look at me. "Can you tell him I'm looking for him if you do see him?" I ask.

He's quiet again for a moment before answering. "Maybe you should leave him alone," he mumbles.

I feel my eyebrows knit together. "Huh?"

Tom huffs out a heavy breath and then stabs his pitchfork hard into the ground and leans on the handle. "I talked to Brody," he says, and I feel my heart leap up into my throat. "Your brother's queer too, right?" he asks flatly.

I feel my chest get tight because Tom has never spoken to me like that before. He's the most cheerful person I've ever met. I gulp and nod my head. "I guess," I almost whisper.

He nods and looks down at his feet. "Look, I ain't got a problem with it. What people get up to on their own time is their own business, but your Dad don't need the stress. You should never've told him."

My mouth opens and closes a couple of times but nothing comes out. I don't think I understand; _I'm making my Dad stressed_?

"Look, Brittany, I got work to do. I dunno where your Dad is." He yanks the fork back out of the ground and turns away from me, heading towards the far side of the pasture where there are more bales of hay.

I stay where I am for a second, frozen solid, before I push away from the fence and take a couple of steps backward. I let out a surprised squeal when my back comes into contact with something warm and I spin on my heels until I come face-to-face with Gus.

"How long were you standing there?" I gasp, suddenly very concerned about how much he heard.

"Robert told me to come help Tom," he mumbles.

"Right," I say back, willing my heartbeat to slow down a little. That wasn't really what I asked.

Gus looks me up and down for a moment, chewing the inside of his cheek and making me feel slightly uncomfortable under his scrutiny. "No one'd make their life harder for 'emselves on purpose," he grouches. I feel my brow furrow but I don't say anything back. "I told that to your Daddy when all this happened before," he finishes.

I feel the pressure around my chest release a little and I can't help but smile at him, even if I'm not completely sure what he means. _Is he talking about Ryan?_

After a few quiet moments, Gus clears his throat and speaks again. "So… You gonna move outta my damn way, or what?" he grumbles.

I look behind me quickly and notice that I'm standing in front of the gate to the pasture. "Oh… right," I mumble as I step to the side to let him through.

"Hm," Gus grunts and then mutters something under his breath as he brushes past me.

I turn and watch him pass through the gate and then lock it behind himself, and then I keep watching him a while longer as he strolls across the field towards Tom. It takes him a good couple of minutes to get there and I start to feel a little awkward staring at them, so I turn on my heels and head towards the stables to look for my Dad some more.

When he's not in there either I decide to give up and go find somewhere cool to sit. It's really starting to get hot now and I can't imagine Santana and I will be going swimming today to cool off.

I head for the now empty pasture behind the house and sit with my back against the short wall there. There's a little bit of shade and it's nicer than being in the sun, and after a little while, leaning against the hard stone doesn't hurt the bruise on my back anymore.

After a few minutes I fish my phone out of my pocket and begin scrolling through my contacts. I hover over Tina's number briefly, then I scroll back to Santana and contemplate calling her for a moment, but I don't want to wake her up if she's still asleep.

In the end I put the phone down on the grass next to me instead of calling anybody, then tilt my head back against the wall and close my eyes and try to keep my mind off of the things Tom said to me. He was wrong, I know that. And Gus was right.

It all seems kind of backwards.

The humidity makes me drowsy and it's not long before my brain starts feeling fuzzy and dark like I've stuffed my head inside a hot raincloud. I think I must doze off for a little while because the next thing I'm aware of is something brushing softly over my cheek. I open my eyes to find Santana crouching in front of me, smiling gently with her hand cupping my face.

"I've been looking for you," she says softly.

"Sorry, I thought you were still asleep," I tell her, my voice slightly groggy.

She shrugs and keeps smiling and then she moves forwards and crawls over my body, laying on top of me and resting her head on my shoulder. She starts placing sweet, gentle kisses over my neck and below my ear and it makes me hum in contentment. It's something she does sometimes when we have lazy Sundays in her apartment. She'll lie on top of me on the couch and give me soft kisses that make my skin tingle and occasionally she'll stop to whisper something in my ear that I don't understand. Sometimes things sound better that way.

"I like this," I whisper. I feel her lips smile against my skin.

"Me too," she says.

"Santana?" I murmur.

"Mm?"

"I wanna do it. What you said yesterday. I wanna do that with you."

Her lips go still again, and then she pulls her face swiftly away from me. I open my eyes to find her looking back at me like a deer blinking into the headlights. "Really?" she says. "Are you sure?"

I nod and tuck a piece of her hair that had fallen forward behind her ear. "I am," I tell her.

"I thought you'd need more time to think about it," she says, her eyes still wide.

I shrug my shoulders. "We've done everything else at warp speed. Why should this be any different?"

Her face breaks into a smile at that. "You're not worried that we're rushing into things?"

"Maybe," I answer, "But I waited six years with Sam and look where that got me." I think I know now why relationships don't come with manuals; and it's because no two are the same.

Santana's smile falters a little. "But this is what you want, right?" she says.

I nod slowly up at her. "So much," I whisper.

Her body seems to relax finally, and she leans forward and rests our foreheads together. "We're gonna live together," she whispers back.

I grin and nod again and then Santana rests her weight back on top of me, burying her face in the crook of my neck. "I'm so glad you said yes," she murmurs.

I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly. "Me too," I reply.

Thinking about it, I don't see how there was ever really any chance of me saying anything else, because I always belonged everywhere and nowhere until I met her. She's just… right. I might still be drifting if we'd never found each other. And I think she might be too.

As she burrows further into me I'm completely content, knowing that we're both in the right place now.


	19. Epilogue

**Three Months Later…**

I blink my eyes four times in rapid succession, but it doesn't quite have the desired effect - my laptop screen still looks blurry. I look down at the open textbook on the bed beside me and that looks kind of blurry too, so I close my eyes and begin massaging my temple with my fingers. I consider switching positions for a little while, just for a change, but lying on my belly has always been my favorite way to work ever since high school and I think if I moved now it would break my concentration, somehow.

I open my sore eyes and I'm about to start typing again when I hear Santana's key in the door. I'm a little confused at first because I'm pretty sure it's too early for her to be home, but when I look at the clock on my computer I realize I must just have lost track of time.

"Hey," she mumbles. She looks a little tired but she still smiles softly at me as she closes the front door behind her. She drops her purse on the floor and makes her way towards the bed and I feel my smile grow bigger and bigger the closer she gets.

"How was work?" I ask as she drops down beside me on the mattress.

She barely mumbles a, " _Fine_ ," in response before she's pushing at my shoulder and rolling me onto my back. I giggle a little as she playfully crawls on top of me but my smile disappears as soon as I feel her lips on mine. It's a deep, melting kiss that makes my whole body warm and tingly. It makes me gasp a little against her lips as she pulls away and smiles down at me.

"What was that for?" I ask, slightly breathless.

Santana shrugs a little. "I just had one of those days at work where I really wished you were still there," she says quietly. "Rachel will not shut the fuck up about the wedding, it's driving me crazy."

I smile at that. "She's just excited," I tell her.

"Hmm," she cocks her eyebrow sceptically and then changes the subject. "Anyways… _you,_ " she bops me on the nose and I scrunch my face up, "are still in the same position you were in when I left this morning. Have you been doing this all day?" She vaguely gestures towards the open laptop and sprawled out textbook.

"I really wanna finish this assignment," I tell her.

"Britt," she sighs, "You've gotta take a break _sometimes._ Have you even eaten today?"

I pause for a moment before answering because I'm honestly not sure if I have or not. "I can't remember," I tell her.

She rolls her eyes at me and then she reaches over and closes my laptop. "Well, we're gonna go see a movie. So go change out of your pajamas." She says it like an order.

"I can't," I groan.

"Yes," she gives me a quick, sloppy cheek kiss, "You can. D'you really think anybody else uses their study days to do _assignments_?" she asks, "'Cause when I was in college I'm pretty sure we just used them to sleep and eat junk food."

I shrug and look away from her face. "But I have to work harder than other people or I'll mess up. I'm not good with school stuff," I tell her.

"Okay," she breathes, "but burning yourself out in the first few weeks isn't the answer. You need to pace yourself. You've got another three years of this, Britt."

I let myself look back at her because I know she's right. "Okay," I mumble. I guess finishing my assignment over the weekend wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

"Okay, so come see a movie with me?"

I nod and rub at my eyes with my fists. "Sure, but just let me rest my eyes for a minute," I tell her.

She giggles a little and I hear the smile in her voice when she says, "Okay."

We're quiet for a few moments after that, and I feel something tickling gently over my face. I think it's Santana's hand and it makes me smile. "Hey," she says, "I know something that'll make you smile."

"I'm already smiling," I mumble.

"Yeah, but a _big_ smile," she responds. "Your Dad called me today. He wants to pay for us to fly out to the ranch for your birthday."

My smiles turns into a grin; I guess she was right. "He does?"

"M-hm," she mumbles.

My eyebrows knit together but I still can't stop grinning. "Wait. Why'd he call _you_?" I ask.

"Well, he said he wanted it to be a surprise," she answers.

I open my eyes and look up at her then, still smiling. "But you just told me…"

She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I'm kind of an asshole like that."

I giggle at the way she says it.

"Anyway," she continues, "I just wanted to make sure that's what you _wanna_ do. We can do something with just us if you'd prefer. Or we could have a party."

I shake my head and begin twirling a strand of her hair around my finger. "I wanna see my Dad," I tell her. "You'll come with me?"

"Of course," she whispers.

I think she's about to lean down and kiss me again when my phone buzzes loudly on the bedside table behind my head. Santana sighs heavily as she reaches for it and then passes it to me. I hold the phone in front of my face and I feel my heart leap up into my throat and my eyes bug out of their sockets when I read the text message I just received.

"Shit," I mumble, a smile spreading across my lips.

"What?"

I turn the phone around so that she can see the message. "It's happening," I tell her.

" _Shit_ ," she echoes my earlier sentiment. She rolls off me and I'm quick to sit up and push myself up off of the bed.

I'm a little unsteady on my feet at first until I feel Santana's hand on my lower back. "What should I… uh… do?" I mumble. I know I'm stuttering like an idiot and wasting time. We've had this planned out for months but now that it's actually happening I feel like everything's fallen out of my head.

"Getting dressed would be a start," Santana says gently.

I nod. "Right. Dressed."

/

Santana takes one hand off of the steering wheel and places it on my knee. "I wish you wouldn't do that while I'm driving," she says without looking away from the road.

"Huh? Do what?"

"That thing where you bob your legs up and down. It's really distracting," she says.

"Oh, sorry," I tell her.

She squeezes my knee quickly before taking her hand away. "Hey, did I tell you Kurt's Dad's found us a car?"

"He has?" I ask. I know she's just talking about this to distract me from being nervous and it makes me want to give her a bear hug.

"M-hm - a Honda Civic. He said he needs to do a little work on it before we can buy it but he's gonna give us a really good deal."

I shrug and look out of my window. "I still feel bad that you're selling your car," I tell her, "You know you don't have to, right?"

"Yeah, I know, but I'd be stupid _not_ to. D'you know how much money I'm gonna get for it?"

I know it's a rhetorical question so I just shrug again. "But you love this car," I mumble.

"I'm gonna love the new one more," she argues.

I look at her with my eyebrows raised. "Really? An old Honda Civic?"

" _Our_ old Honda Civic," she corrects. She glances away from the road for a moment to smile at me and it makes my heart flutter. I guess she's right, everything is _ours_ now, and it makes me happier than I thought possible. _Our_ apartment. _Our_ car.

We arrive at the hospital around ten minutes later. It takes us longer than I'd like to get parked and this time Santana doesn't say anything about my nervous legs. We find the right department relatively quickly since I've had to go here a lot lately.

We practically jog up to the desk with the young nurse sitting behind it. It takes her a good few seconds to look away from her computer screen and pay attention to us and I almost, _almost_ clear my throat.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"Yeah, um, I'm here to see Tina Cohen-Chang. She's having a baby." My voice shakes a little as I speak.

"Okay," she huffs, more to herself than to me. She goes back to her computer and types some stuff before speaking again. "Yeah, she's in delivery room three. If you'd like to take a seat in the waiting area." She gives me a tight-lipped smile as she brushes her dark brown bangs out of her eyes, but I don't move.

"W-what?" I stutter, my eyebrows knitting together, "That can't be right. They only texted me like a half hour ago." I fish my phone frantically out of my pocket and open up the message Mike sent me earlier.

_Mike: Hospital. Tina. Baby._

I'm definitely not getting myself confused. "How can she be in the delivery room already?" I ask.

The nurse just shrugs at me and gestures towards her computer screen. "That's what it says here," she tells me. I must look as flustered as I feel because some of the other nurses behind the desk are looking at me now, and I know there are people behind us that want to get to the desk too, but I can't bring myself to care.

"But I'm supposed to be in there," I tell her, "Me and her Mom and her boyfriend. She had a birthing plan and everything."

The nurse fidgets uncomfortably in her seat for a moment. "What's your name?" she asks.

"Brittany Pierce," I tell her.

She huffs out a breath and then reluctantly stands up. "I'll go find somebody who knows what's going on," she tells me with another pressed smile.

She turns and walks away and I stay standing where I am for a moment before I feel Santana tugging at my arm. "C'mon, sweetie," she says, just loud enough for me to hear. She pulls me away from the desk so that we're no longer obstructing the people behind us and tucks us into a corner so that we're a little more out of the way.

It can't be more than five minutes later that I hear a woman's voice calling my name. "Brittany Pierce?"

I hold my hand up and an older, friendlier-looking nurse approaches Santana and me, holding a clipboard. "You're Brittany?" she asks with a warm smile that immediately relaxes me a little.

"Uh-huh," I nod.

"I'm sorry about the confusion," she says, "I'm afraid there's been a change of plan. We've had to induce labor so it's not going to be possible for you to be in the room with her _during_ the birth."

I feel my heart sink at that but the nurse keeps smiling. "So, she's in labor right now?" I ask.

She nods. "That's right."

I feel Santana slip her hand into mine before she speaks. "So, why can't Brittany just go in there now?" she asks.

The nurse hesitates for a moment and shifts her weight from one foot to the other. I feel my chest get tight as her smile fades a little. "There's been a complication," she says. I swallow thickly and nod. "It's called Placental abruption and it _can_ be serious if it's not treated quickly."

I close my eyes against the sudden onset of nausea I feel. Someone puts their hand on my shoulder and when I open my eyes again I'm surprised to find that it's the nurse instead of Santana.

"Please don't panic," she says, firmly but gently, "The father did everything right. He brought her in as soon as she started complaining about the abdominal pain and we were able to make a diagnosis almost right away."

I nod at her and take a couple of deep breaths. "So, she's going to be okay? And the baby?"

The nurse looks like she wants to nod and tell me yes, but she doesn't, not quite. "The mother was in some distress, but she and the baby are both stable now. She's giving birth naturally which is _always_ preferable to a C-section, and she was only a few days away from her due date anyway. Given the circumstances, I'd say things couldn't be going any better."

It's not quite a _yes_ , but I think it's the closest thing she can give me and I'm more than grateful. "So, what should I do now?" I ask her.

"Well," she huffs out a breath and smiles warmly at me again, "You're more than welcome to wait here, but it could be a while. If you wanna go home and wait, we can have somebody call you when she's ready for visitors," she tells me.

My answer is immediate. "I wanna wait here," I say.

Her smile grows at that. "I thought you might," she says, then she points towards the far end of the hallway we're standing in, "The waiting area is just around that corner," she says, looking between me and Santana.

We both thank her before she walks away again and then Santana begins pulling me in the direction the nurse was pointing. As we round the corner I see two rows of seats, back to back, only half of which are occupied. I spot Tina's Mom sitting at the far end of the row almost right away but she doesn't notice us until we've almost reached her.

"Brittany!" she gasps, standing up and pulling me into a tight hug.

"I thought you'd be in there with her," I mumble against her shoulder.

She steps away from me and sits down again, pulling me into the seat next to her. Santana sits on my other side. "They said only one person could be in there with her and she chose Mike," she tells me. I offer her a sympathetic smile. I don't think I've ever seen her look so pale and wrung out.

"Where are Mike's parents?" I ask.

"They're not here," she tells me, "I'm supposed to call them when it's okay for the baby to have visitors."

I just nod because I'm not sure what else to say. We sit in silence for a long time after that; I rest my head on Santana's shoulder as I alternate between watching the doctors and nurses bustling around and watching the sun set outside the window. By the time Tina's Mom speaks again, it's dark outside.

"I need to go home and feed the dog," she says, I think more to herself than to either of us.

When she doesn't say anything else for a few moments, Santana leans forward and says, "I could do that for you, if you wanna stay here."

Tina's Mom startles a little, like she wasn't expecting anybody to answer, then smiles. "That's okay, Honey. I think I need to get out of here for a little while or I'm gonna go insane."

Santana just nods and slumps back in her seat. "You'll call me if anything happens?" Tina's Mom asks me as she slings her purse over her shoulder and stands.

"Of course," I tell her. She bends down to kiss me on the cheek and then gives Santana a small wave before leaving.

"D'you want anything?" Santana asks once she's gone, "Like, something to eat? I could go to the gift shop."

I shake my head before resting it on her shoulder again. I am actually pretty hungry, but I'm worried that if I eat I might just throw it all back up. "No thank you," I tell her. "Are _you_ hungry?"

She shakes her head too. "Not really."

"We could go to the gift shop anyway," I say, "I wanted to get something for Tina."

"Yeah? You wanna go now?" she asks.

"I do… But what if somebody comes to find us while we're gone?"

She's quiet for a moment, and then she squeezes my knee. "I can wait here while you go get something for Tina. If that's what you want?"

I lift my head away from her shoulder so that I can look at her. "You wouldn't mind?"

She smiles and reaches up to cup my cheek for a moment, moving her thumb over my skin. "Of course not," she says gently. I can't stop myself from staring at her for a few seconds before I get up and leave her sitting there.

I try to be quick, but I end up getting lost on the way to the gift shop. In the end I have to ask an orderly named Matt where it is, but he turns out to be really nice and takes me there himself. He comes in with me because he wants to get a drink and I've probably been staring at the selection of Beanie Babies for a good five minutes when I see him come and stand next to me out of the corner of my eye. I look at him as he unscrews the cap on his Mountain Dew and he gives me a lopsided smile.

"Whatcha looking for?" he asks.

I shrug and look back at the Beanie Babies. "My friend's having a baby. I wanted to get her something," I tell him.

"Teddy bear?" he asks.

I shake my head. "She got tonnes of those at her baby shower."

"A onesie?"

I look at him again and smile. "Same," I say.

"Okay," he draws out the word and pivots on his heels as he looks slowly – but exaggeratedly – around the shop. "How 'bout flowers?" he asks, pointing towards the selection they carry.

I shake my head again. "She's allergic," I say, before what's behind the flowers catches my eye. "But I think she'd like balloons," I tell him.

He grins as he moves towards them. "Pink or blue?" he asks.

"Blue," I answer. He nods and picks out a bunch of blue, helium-filled balloons. They're all tied together with a weight at the bottom of their ribbons so that they don't float way. He bows his head as he hands them to me and it makes me giggle.

"Thanks," I tell him.

"No problem." He gives me another goofy grin before I step up to the counter, then I watch him move towards the exit. "Tell your friend _congratulations,"_ he calls out over his shoulder as he leaves.

"You're paying for that drink, Matt!" the girl behind the counter yells after him, but I'm pretty sure he didn't hear her. Her name tag says _Marley_ and she smiles sweetly as she turns her attention towards me. "Is that everything?" she asks.

"Uh-huh," I nod. I pay Marley for my balloons and then I leave.

/

Santana startles a little as I slump down in the seat next to her. I think she might have been falling asleep and I feel a little bad for waking her up. She smiles at me as I let the balloons rest in front of my seat. "They're pretty," she mumbles.

"M-hm," I agree as I lay my head on her shoulder again.

Neither of us says anything else after that. I don't think there's anything _to_ say and I know we're both tired and uncomfortable. It feels like we've been here for hours, in fact, we probably _have_.

Eventually my eyes begin feeling heavy. The noise and people around us start to seem really far away and I'm glad for it, just looking at them was making my heart beat quicker. I fall in and out of a fitful sleep for the next few hours.

Some time later, I wake up to somebody shaking my shoulder and calling my name gently. I squint my eyes open to find an incredibly tired-looking Mike peering down at me, his eyes red-raw and his face full of stubble. Santana stirs beside me and I sit up properly.

"Mike? Is everything okay?" I ask as I rub at my eyes.

He smiles at me and nods. "They're both okay," he says in a groggy voice, "She's asking for you."

My brain starts feeling less fuzzy and I feel Santana squeeze at my hand. "The baby's here?" I feel my heart squeeze inside my chest.

Mike's gentle smile turns into a grin. "Uh-huh," he nods, "I'm a Daddy."

I can't help but grin back at that. I push myself up out of my chair with more vigor than I feel capable of and pull Mike into a hug. He squeezes back around my waist really tight. "Congratulations," I whisper in his ear.

"Thanks," he mumbles. He's still grinning when he pulls away. "C'mon, I'll take you to see her," he says.

I reach back automatically to take Santana's hand but she shakes her head at me. I can't help but notice how adorable she looks; her eye makeup is all smudged and she has creases on her face where she was sleeping against the top of my head. "I should probably wait here," she says.

"Well, I was gonna go grab some coffee in the cafeteria," says Mike, "You wanna come with?"

Santana smiles and nods. "Sure," she answers.

"So, did Tina's Mom go home?" Mike asks as we walk.

"Uh-huh," I respond, "I think she's expecting a phone call."

"Right," he sighs, "I'll get on that."

I shoot him a sympathetic smile because he looks exhausted and I know calling all his and Tina's relatives to let them know the good news is probably the last thing he wants to do right now.

Mike stops as we get to a set of gray double doors. "She's right in there," he tells me. There's squirty hand-sanitizer dispenser next to one door so I quickly rub some on my hands before Santana gives me the bunch of balloons I bought earlier. I roll my eyes at myself for almost forgetting them.

"Thanks," I mumble.

"We'll be in the cafeteria when you get out," Mike tells me with a smile. Santana kisses me on the cheek and then I watch them walk away. I don't turn back towards the double doors until they're out of sight and then I take a couple of deep breaths before I push them open.

There are two beds in the room, but the one Tina isn't in is empty. There's a nurse looking at the machine next to Tina's bed with a clipboard but after a few moments she leaves, brushing past me with a smile.

"Are you gonna come over here, or what?" Tina asks without looking away from the little bundle of blankets in her arms. Her voice is weaker than I've ever heard it and I'm not sure I like it.

I notice how exhausted she looks as I approach the bed. Mike looked pretty good in comparison. She's covered in dried sweat and even though her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail, it still looks greasy. Her skin is blotchy and pale too, she looks really sick, and I have to keep telling myself in my head that it's normal.

"What time is it?" she asks. The question throws me a little, it doesn't really seem important right now, but I pull my phone out of my pocket regardless.

"Almost five am," I answer.

"Have you been up all night?" she asks, still without looking up.

"Pretty much. Have you?"

She finally looks at me when I say that and rolls her eyes, so I give her a cheeky smile back. "Come sit with us," she says softly.

I set the balloons down by the head of the bed and move forwards but then I hesitate. "Am I allowed?" I ask.

She nods. "Sure. Mike was doing it."

That puts my mind at rest a little so I gently climb onto the bed next to her. Tina immediately rests her tired head on my shoulder and for the first time I have a clear view of the baby that's inside the bundle of blankets. I think he's sleeping because he's not crying or stirring. He obviously hasn't been cleaned fully yet either because his thick mop of black hair is all matted and stuck to his head.

"He's beautiful," I whisper, "Are you both okay?"

She nods gently. "Yeah. They wanna keep me in for a few days 'cause they're worried about clotting or something, but we're both fine." Her voice cracks a little as she speaks and I feel bad, asking her questions, but I can't help myself. I want to know everything.

"D'you have a name yet?" I ask.

"Uh-huh. He's James Michael Chang. But we're gonna call him Jamie," she tells me.

I smile at that. "That's cute," I mumble.

"Mike's parents wanna have him baptized and all that stuff," she says, "You'll be godmother, right?"

I can't help but grin. "Really?"

"Yeah," she nods, "it'll be you and Mike's brother. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is," I whisper.

Tina sighs. "That's good."

Her head seems to get heavier on my shoulder after that, so I rest my head on top of hers and stare down at Jamie with a content smile on my face.

"Britt-Britt?" Tina whispers after a few moments.

"Mm?"

"I'm really happy," she murmurs. I think she's falling asleep.

I smile and turn my face so that I can kiss the top of her head. "Good," I whisper.

We're quiet again after that and my eyes start feeling heavy after a little while, so I let them drift closed. I don't mean to fall asleep again but the next thing I'm aware of is somebody's hand on my shoulder.

I startle a little as I wake up to Mike's face for the second time today. "We're being kicked out," he whispers, a playful smile on his face.

I look over and see a nurse scooping baby Jamie out of a sleeping Tina's arms. "Where's he going?" I mumble.

"They've gotta clean him properly," Mike tells me. "C'mon," he helps me climb off the bed, "They said Tina needs to rest," he says, "Santana's outside."

He grins at me. He looks all sleepy-happy and it makes me smile too. "Can you tell Tina I said _bye_? _"_ I ask him and he nods. "And I'll come back later?"

"Sure," he answers. He gives me another hug and I leave the room.

Santana is just outside the door and she gives me a warm, gentle smile. She looks a lot more awake than she did when I left her. "C'mon, sleepyhead," she says, "Let's get you home."

She puts her arm around my shoulders and begins guiding me along the hallway. "Are you okay to drive?" I ask her.

"Yeah, I've had coffee," she answers.

It's light when we get outside and it surprises me a little. I guess it shouldn't really, it feels like we've been in the hospital forever. I slump down in the passenger seat of Santana's car once we find it in the parking lot and she puts the key in the ignition but doesn't start the engine. She turns so that she's practically sideways in her seat and grins at me. It makes me grin back even though I'm not sure what she's so happy about.

"Mike's gonna propose to Tina," she tells me.

I feel my eyes bug out. "What, today?"

"When she's feeling better," she says.

"Wow," I whisper. "She's gonna be really happy." Even happier than she is already. I smile just at the thought.

"Were they okay? Tina and the baby?" Santana asks.

"Uh-huh," I nod, "He's adorable. They've called him Jamie," I tell her.

"Yeah, Mike told me."

I nod and we're quiet for a few moments. Santana reaches across and puts her hand on my cheek and I turn so that it's squished softly between the car seat and my face.

"Hey," she says gently, probably inaudibly if we weren't in such close proximity, "Would you marry me?"

I feel my heart skip a beat as soon as the words are out of her mouth and my shock must clearly show on my face because Santana is quick to shake her head.

"No, no. Not like that. I'm not… ya know… asking you right now, or anything." She gulps as a blush starts creeping up her cheeks. "I just mean like... _one day_ … d'you think you'll marry me?"

I see her shoulders relax when I smile again. I'm not sure how to answer with words so I just nod gently at her. If she ever asked me to marry her I'm pretty sure I'd have to be completely crazy to refuse; she _is_ the best person in the world. I'd probably be so happy that I'd have to tackle-hug her and give her kisses until she was sick of it.

"Good," Santana sighs. She turns away from me again and switches the engine on. Then she buckles her seatbelt and stares out over the parking lot for a moment before repeating herself.

"That's good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it actually is over now :') thanks again to everyone for reading and reviewing, especially those who took the time to review every chapter. You are my favourites :D I will be writing another story so again, feel free to put me on author alert. The new story won't be anything to do with this. I'm done with this 'verse now. Byebye! :)


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